The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work [Paperback]

This is in most respects an excellent book, and certainly a very useful one. Real is an excellent writer, and has thought through couple's issues in a smart way, refreshingly different than many who have preceded him. He takes his good points almost too far at times, which -- in addition to some annoying self-hype -- is my reservation.

In both this book, and in his prior "How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women" (also excellent, similarly challenging) Real faces head-on the reality that many women come into couples work with fierce anger, maddeningly frustrated with trying to achieve true emotional intimacy - Real says `relational intimacy' - with their man. His premise is that many women's responsibilities and aspirations have grown as part of the women's movement and their resulting, empowered roles, during decades when many men's roles and expectations have progressed less dramatically. As difficult as the tone of the anger and complaint, Real suggests the substance of women's satisfaction is right-on. He makes a good case for this, which will provide some much needed vindication for women readers.

This book -- like its predecessor -- is full of composite examples of couples-therapy sessions where the woman's attitude sounds in complaint and anger. As a guy, this anger feels withering. The man presented in these composite examples typically sounds clueless, mystified, and deeply hurt by his mate's harsh anger. Both the anger and the instinctive male response are sincere, and is true to my own experience trying to get help in couples therapy. So initially, I have found Real's analysis very alienating. His prototypical woman may often come off like a nag, and has that special knack of shaming while complaining. This both infuriates and, more deeply, frightens us men. Aarrgghh.

It is at this point, I believe, where I and other men typically recoil and turn away from facing women's needs, and their own fears, as Real's approach requires. Fortunately, after initially putting his book down in my own anger, something inside led me to pick it up again.

In Real's analysis, entitlement - often unconscious and almost always unacknowledged -- is at the root of the typical man's side of the relationship problems. We of the boomer and earlier generations were raised to quietly sit back in much that happens in the home, letting things take care of themselves. In reality, things don't really taking care of themselves; women are taking the care of the home. As men, our toughest work is traditionally as breadwinner outside the home. Once home, perhaps enlightened some by the women's movement, we may do chores and help with the kids. But we may also quietly avoid the challenging work of true relational intimacy with our woman. The man often sees no problem, or no rational issue.

The man remains clueless, according to Real, partly by being silent. We may think, "what's the problem: I am nice and thoughtful, even sending flowers. I don't rage or abuse., etc...." Her anger seems mystifying. But the nub may be in the silence and disengagement, and in the urgent - even if silent - avoidance of shame. Having much earlier studied and written about male depression ("I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression"), Real understands that men's issues are often driven by shame, where women's are often driven by fear. (That distinction is worth reflecting upon more generally!)

Because women are most heavily tasked with maintaining relationship, and have traditionally often been dependent on the man for economic and child-rearing reasons, women's fears are usually first expressed circumspectly, on eggshells, rather than angrily or "naggingly." A woman may attempt a host of careful, often fearful strategies for reaching for relational intimacy. The fierce anger arises gradually -- as more delicate strategies maddeningly fail. The ferocity feels like poison to the man, and is typically counterproductive.

This book coaches us through techniques to address the resulting anguish and deadlock. Real presents examples and exercises that gently but deftly lead both woman and man through the territory I'm describing, including approaches by which women can bring their man over to considering confrontation with the deeper feelings that keep him at a distance.

Real's approach is much needed, and this book not only explains unflinchingly, but suggests ways out of the deadlock. There have been important contributions along the way - e.g., Harville Hendrix' Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. And there are libraries full of hyped up, supposed love-life panaceas. This fellow has a smart, tough set of insights, with ideas for finding our way out of the wilderness of too many current relationships.

Caveat: Promotion of the book smacks a bit of hype. (This includes, for example, much of the book descriptions above.) Surprisingly - given the value of his analysis - the author writes with some self-promoting hyperbole - suggesting he is a virtual savior, rather than a man with some excellent advice. A wise reader can pretty easily ignore some of his self-flattering comments, which is well worth doing.

More concerning, he sometimes 'sloganeers' about "21st century women and 20th century men," when he could do better to speak of changes in roles and expectations. He uses such demeaning labels and phrasings more here than in his prior work, and it is counterproductive.

Thus, Real's approach can prove problematic in the actual couple's therapy setting. Some less-skilled therapists -- "Terry Real disciples" -- may encourage the 'more evolved' woman to vent at length before welcoming the 'less evolved' man's voice. Real sometimes reads like a scold, and a partner scolded in therapy will likely reject the work on a fundamental level.

However legitimate the woman's complaint, venting about one's partner in couple's therapy can be as destructive as venting elsewhere. Worse yet, firmly establishing that he is indeed a "less evolved" person will profoundly undermine him, and thus destroy the therapy. Unless the goal is to end what the therapist judges to be a hopelessly bad partnership -- by simply giving an unhappy partner the voice and setting in which to leave -- mutuality of commitment is essential to couple's work. A key challenge for making Real's techniques work is to proceed without 'shaming' either partner.

This is not just another self-help book that will give you more tips and good ideas that you won't be able to implement. This is the book that will take you right to the core of what creates struggle in marriages and relationships, and help you fix yours step by step. The work this book lays out is not easy, but will lead you to happy relationship, as I can personally attest.

I am making this book required reading for all my clients and am planning to use it as workbook to help them put their relationships and marriages back on the right track. Get it, study it and you will see what I mean.

Many of us come into life without any tools in our toolbox. Why? Our parents had very few tools to pass on to us. This book is full of tools and ways to keep your relationship honest and alive. I have read all of the author's other books and this one is just as good. I keep them all around for reference when I haven't loaned them out to a friend in need.

Highly recommended read...

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