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The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development [Hardcover]

Richard Weissbourd

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Book Description

March 13 2009

A wake-up call for a national crisis in parenting--and a deeply helpful book for those who want to see their own behaviors as parents with the greatest possible clarity. Harvard psychologist RichardWeissbourd argues incisively that parents—not peers, not television—are the primary shapers of their children’s moral lives. And yet, it is parents’ lack of self-awareness and confused priorities that are dangerously undermining children’s development.
Through the author’s own original field research, including hundreds of rich, revealing conversations with children, parents, teachers, and coaches, a surprising picture emerges.
Parents’ intense focus on their children’s happiness is turning many children into self-involved, fragile conformists.The suddenly widespread desire of parents to be closer to their children—a heartening trend in many ways—often undercuts kids’morality.Our fixation with being great parents—and our need for our children to reflect that greatness—can actually make them feel ashamed for failing to measure up. Finally, parents’ interactions with coaches and teachers—and coaches’ and teachers’ interactions with children—are critical arenas for nurturing, or eroding, children’s moral lives.
Weissbourd’s ultimately compassionate message—based on compelling new research—is that the intense, crisis-filled, and profoundly joyous process of raising a child can be a powerful force for our own moral development.


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 256 pages
  • Publisher: Mariner Books; None edition (March 13 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0618626174
  • ISBN-13: 978-0618626175
  • Product Dimensions: 2.1 x 15.2 x 21.6 cm
  • Shipping Weight: 340 g
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #640,849 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Product Description

About the Author

Richard Weissbourd is a child and family psychologist on the faculty of Harvard�s School of Education and Kennedy School of Government. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, Boston Globe, and Chicago Tribune. Weissbourd is the author of The Vulnerable Child, recently named by the American School Board Journal as one of the top ten educational books of all time.

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.7 out of 5 stars  22 reviews
33 of 34 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderful, meddling book July 10 2009
By Nancy French - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover|Verified Purchase
Think Britney Spears, peer pressure, and Twitter are making modern kids sullen, detached, and generally rotten? Think again. Richard Weissbourd's book about modern parenting trends places the responsibility for kids' moral well-being squarely where it belongs -- on the parents. In his book, The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development, the lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education talks about popular parenting techniques such as being "positive parents," focusing on self-esteem, and praising our kids excessively.

And the shock is? He's against these things.

Weissbourd's countercultural parenting advice suggests that parents' intense focus on their children's happiness actually makes kids less happy, that excessive praise stunts character development, and that "over-parenting" can turn children into "fragile conformists. Additionally, he challenges the "self-esteem" craze -- the belief that if parents bolster their kids' sense of self, they'll invariably turn out to be good people. This is the first time in history that people have succumbed to this backwards idea about morality and explains that bullies, delinquents, and gang leaders often have the highest self-esteem.

I was fully prepared to read his book to figure out why other people's kids were throwing popcorn in the movie theater, but every chapter challenged my own parenting.

It's a meddlesome book, in other words. One you should definitely pick up.
34 of 39 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Helping parents, coaches, teachers & children be more moral June 4 2009
By John L Murphy - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover
It's easy to sum up this work as previous reviewers have; harder to delve into the details in "soundbite" format for this forum. I'll try to give a more comprehensive overview of each chapter to provide needed detail for readers to make up their minds about this book's relevance to their own moral challenges as encountered by parents, children, teachers, and coaches. Being a decent, respectful, compassionate person today seems harder than ever in a "big-box" culture demanding it all now.

Weissbourd surveyed students, and had students conduct surveys of their peers, and gathered what he finds is an alternative argument to those who demand tougher moral accountability without dismantling the self-esteem and self-important folderol that in the wake of the 1960s-70s pop psychology movement has invaded classrooms, Little League, parent-teacher conferences, and the insanely inflated competition for elite college admissions. Weissbourd advises a less strained, more balanced attitude that allows kids to fail more, to grow up without demanding parents, and to learn morality from how parents and other authority figures model it themselves-- no easy task.

Chapter 1 deals with "Helping Children Manage Destructive Emotions." Shame and self-hatred often emerge from over-coddling children to the extent they cannot form their own values. Chapter 2 "Promoting Happiness and Morality" urges parents that both can be attained, and that true satisfaction need not come from an Ivy League matriculation. Again, parents gain blame here for pushing kids to succeed despite the cost to their psyches at the degrees, possessions, and egotism that earlier generations never could have had, or failed to achieve.

"The Real Danger in the Achievement Craze," chapter 3 warns, is that depression, especially in adolescent girls, can result. Chapter 4 is self-explanatory, full of cases that demonstrate "When Being Close to Children Backfires." I found Chapter 5 my favorite, "Moral Adults, Moral Children," even if the attention paid to how middle-aged adults can find their morality eroding or increasing as time goes on was far too brief for such a valuable topic that could have merited a book in itself.

Chapter 6 examines how schools can assist children better in their moral cognition and demonstration of empathy; chapter 7 studies this in how parents can learn when to step up and when to hang back when it comes to sports, coaches, and their children's fellow teammates and opponents. Weissbourd's own experiences here enliven this chapter considerably, and I sense this may be an under-explored area for psychologists as well as parents and coaches themselves worthy of much more attention given the ratcheting-up of competition in much of America.

The last chapters cover "Cultivating Mature Idealism in Young People" that also recognizes the dangers of trying to change the world too much too soon for young people pushed into community service programs, and "Key Moral Strengths of Children Across Race and Culture" looks at immigrant children mainly from Asian and Latino backgrounds as well as a thoughtful look at African American expectations and child-raising techniques that differ, often in positive and affirming ways little appreciated, from the majority culture. While the decline with Americanization and assimilation in values, respect for authority, and scholastic achievement earn coverage in the chapter, again this topic deserved more concentration, given the impact of immigrants upon nearly every school district in urban and suburban areas today, as well as many rural areas formerly little exposed to such changes.

In conclusion, Weissbourd suggests three types of "moral communities": to bring in the often absent fathers, to help parents support each other, and to allow parenting to become more shared among peers to promote feedback and widen the availability of optional strategies for dealing with discipline, vulnerabilities, and to encourage openness while respecting the need for children as they grow to find their own way that may diverge from the parental expectations.

My wife found a "New Yorker" mention of Weissbourd's work and read it; she encouraged me to do the same. I review a lot of books for Amazon, but this is the first parenting one; this is outside my usual range or interests. Therefore, I found the contents intriguing, but often the points I wanted more depth on were raised, considered for a page or a paragraph, and then the author went on to other subjects. For instance, an observation on how many parents in a secular age lack therefore religious backup or accessible models in making or enforcing morality for themselves and their families deserved elaboration.

Weissbourd's efficiently summarizing his previous research and that of his colleagues, as the well-documented endnotes demonstrate. But, there may have been a reliance on assembling material already published into book form that may account for the uneven concentration given what were for me essential topics deserving more coverage than the two-hundred pages of readable if brisk text can offer.

He tallies up the problems of cheating, selfishness, and abdication by many parents and children of moral responsibilities in a misguided push to succeed at all costs. Growing wealth allows many to indulge themselves more. "The pursuit of happiness" expectation promised in the Declaration of Independence mixes toxically with our self-interest directed in the wrong direction as far as others' welfare is concerned. Too many of us obsess over our satisfactions and avoid any involvement in what dissatisfies us or what cannot live up to our unrealistic, bull-headed, and selfish expectations. Weissbourd provides a way out of a culture of excess and envy; perhaps few parents will read this, but it's a valuable, if often underelaborated, handbook of observations that offer constructive criticism of how parenting, acquisition, and trophies have all spoiled this generation of incessant wannabee overachievers young and not-so-young.
27 of 35 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Book On Parenting In Years.... March 8 2009
By Eugene H. Pool - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover
This book is a wise and compassionate guide to raising moral, happy, and competent children. No parent should be without it. In a calm, reassuring manner, Weissbourd, an experienced psychologist, shows us all how to love our children effectively and well, even if that means, at times, holding back. As a parent of two, a lifetime educator, and a former administrator at a demanding independent school (one of the several kinds of schools where Weissbourd did his research), I recommend this book most enthusiastically. It will give you valuable insights into both yourself and your children. It will help you make growing up together the rich, rewarding experience it should and can be.
--Eugene Pool
8 of 9 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars well-intentioned parents can still fail May 14 2009
By an apt word - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover
I caught Weissbourd's NPR interview with Terry Gross and was intrigued enough to get the book. Although Weissbourd hooked me with his sage advice to parents, he gave me an unexpected insight into my own childhood. He says, "It's less the severity or duration of parents' destructive moods than how children understand them" that is the problem. Among the destructive moods discussed is depression, and he tells Matt's story: "I used to think my mother just hated being my mother, that she wanted to be doing something else. Now I'm looking back over all those years and seeing them differently and I'm feeling a lot better. I'm seeing that all that anger was coming from something inside of her head. She was depressed. It was about HER. It didn't have anything to do with me." As can be typical of hurting children, both Matt and I told stories that reflected poorly on ourselves and reflected even more poorly on the truth.
Get the book for more than a mini psychoanalysis, however. Weissbourd knows how to turn a phrase. Here are a couple: ...the million paper cuts an adolescent can inflict...and wading into the muck of ourselves. He's got his finger on a contemporary problem. Parents are trying too hard to be their kids' friends and don't think often enough of how they can influence their kids to be moral human beings. They may be morally underdeveloped themselves. Parents can emphasize their kids' happiness and self esteem over against their kids' ability to empathize with others and contribute within the greater community. Parents can pile on the pressure by giving global praise (you're terrific, that's great, etc). But who better than a kid can spot hypocrisy in a parent? (No, I'm not putting any pressure on you to go to Yale, but here's the tutor's phone number and I expect you to meet with her every day this week.)
Have you run into this term yet? dimpie (doting indulgent modern parents) Or this? Krispie or teacup: fragile dependent student who unravels away from home. Get the book. It's highly readable and insightful.
16 of 23 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars great book March 18 2009
By Thomas Davey - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover
Richard Weissbourd's new book continues the challenging and incisive inquiry into child development he began in his first book, The Vulnerable Child. Thoughtfully and persuasively, he sheds a prismatic look into the ways parents and other adults can facilitate the development of a moral curiosity and integrity in children and adolescents. His view is far ranging and at the same time close to the bone. With a keen and fresh observational eye buttressed by elegant and discerning prose, Weissbourd pulls the reader into the compelling story of how children construct a moral compass through their everyday interactions with the adults in their lives. And in doing so, he reminds us that we all have a major stake in the outcome. This is a wonderful book, and would be well suited to both an academic and general audience.

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