The Playbook: Suit up. Score chicks. Be awesome. [Paperback]

INTRODUCTION

First of all, thanks for purchasing this book! Now, if you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re either too pathetic to pick up girls on your own, or you’re looking for some creative ideas to spice up your repertoire—but my money’s on “too pathetic to pick up girls on your own.”

You stumble up to a woman and stammer in a rehearsed yet cracking voice, “Can I get your number?” Your trembling hands are stuffed in your pockets in a futile attempt to look cool. You’re dressed like an overgrown eighth grader. You’re a little out of shape. Geez, buddy, you’re kind of a mess, huh? Ooh, I bet you smell too.

The good news is you’re not alone, Ted. There are millions of unattractive chumps just like you all over the place who apparently never want to sleep with a woman. But all of that is going to change because now, with the help of The Playbook, you’ll be able to approach any beautiful woman you want and trick her into sleeping with you. How? By giving you self-confidence and proving that you really are somebody who matters (even though you’re not).

Again, sincerely, thanks for purchasing this book.

© 2010 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

WHAT IS THE PLAYBOOK?

The Playbook provides a plenitude of plays to profit the persistent player. Contained within these pages are every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or ever hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. Now, in an act of selfless charity, I’m passing this treasure of pleasure on to you as an easy-to-follow guide.

Included in this collection are more than seventy-five schemes that are guaranteed to attract all kinds of women, no matter how sorrowful your social skills are. Best of all, most of the plays require no experience and little to no preparation, so you have almost everything you need to get started right away. Almost: 83% of the plays will necessitate at least a few yards of aluminum foil, so before you get cracking you’d be wise to buy in bulk at your local big-box store or discount warehouse retailer.

With so many other pickup programs available on the market today, you might be wondering what makes The Playbook unique. First of all, I created this program, so you know it’s gonna be awesome. Second, I’ve slept with enough hotties to overbook a commercial airliner (several of them on a commercial airliner, what up?) and only once had to wear eyeliner and a goofy hat to do it … and that was only because this chick had been in a coma since 1983 and pretending to be Boy George was such an obvious layup.

Last, and most important, other seduction methods preach “social dynamics” in which you insult women in an attempt to attract them. I find that approach both demeaning and offensive. Rather than degrade women, The Playbook centers on the profound, positive, and personal changes you can make to trick hot sluts into sleeping with you.

HOW DOES THE PLAYBOOK WORK?

The plays in this book are scientifically calibrated to excite the female sex nodes enough to make her actually consider having sex with a stranger. This strategy flies in the face of conventional wisdom, because for countless millennia men were led to believe that women were not interested in casual sex. We were told their libido had been replaced with the urge to have children, make dinner, and discover the planet’s cutest handbag. But recent evidence suggests that women enjoy sex almost as much as finding a Christian Dior clutch in white croc at 30% off.

Now, thanks to science, we can generate a clearer picture of what women are looking for in a sexual partner. After years of in-depth field research (very in-depth), I’ve discovered that women are sexually aroused by four primary factors:

1. Money

2. Fame

3. Vulnerability

4. Emotional and spiritual fulfillment

Obviously, number four is right out the window. Seducing a woman by satisfying her on an emotional level is difficult, time-consuming, and quite frankly, unrewarding.

Therefore The Playbook focuses on transforming you into someone who reflects some or all of those first three qualities. If you’re wondering why you have to change who you are, consider this: is a woman more likely to sleep with a loser like you or an underwater bomb diffuser who grew up in an orphanage? It’s just science.

Using all this information, here’s a composite sketch of what women might consider the most sexually attractive man ever.

Don’t worry, The Playbook will never ask you to dress up like this bozo. You’ll be asked to dress up like a fireman or a football player but never at the same time.

HOW TO USE THE PLAYBOOK

As you flip through The Playbook you’ll notice that each play is presented in an easy-to-follow recipe format. This is done so that even a chump like you has a shot at glory. Immediately following the title of the play is a profile box that presents the following quick reference information:

1. Success Rate— the likelihood of “completing” the play

2. Attracts—the type of chick the play is designed to ensnare

3. Requirements—the props and/or special talents you’ll need

4. Prep Time—how much time you need to invest in the play

5. Bummers—potential negatives to running the play, other than “might totally fail”

Following the profile box are the numbered steps for each play. Simply follow them word for word with absolutely no deviation and you’ll get laid. Maybe.

Now, before you flip to a page and start trying out plays on random chicks, there are three things you need to consider.

LOCATION. LOCATION. LOCATION.

While most plays can be performed at a party or in your local bar, I recommend you workshop these plays elsewhere when you’re just getting your feet wet—if you have any hope of getting other areas wet. Beta-testing a play in a foreign environment safeguards you from any emotional damage, physical harm, or heaven forbid, your bros giving you crap for striking out.

MAD PROPS

Some of the plays entail wardrobe elements or other accessories that might not be readily available about the home. Therefore it’s a good idea to establish a relationship with a local party or costume shop owner. A good one will let you sample their wares at little to no cost if you promise to promptly return them. As a show of appreciation and good faith you should take extra care not to damage the costume, even as you’re climbing out the window of a girl you just duped into sleeping with you. It’s called integrity.

SKILL LEVEL

Some of the plays require a considerable amount of game while others entail almost no effort whatsoever … like The Michael Jordan or The Saudi Prince. The Playbook presents plays in increasing order of difficulty so that you can take baby steps on your way to baby-making steps™. This is done for safety. If you tried to run an advanced play like The Land Mine Whisperer without the proper experience, you could wind up seriously hurting your chances of getting laid. It’s important to identify your skill level before getting started. That’s why I’ve included the following ASS Test, or Aptitudinal Seduction Skills Test.

ASS TEST
(APTITUDINAL SEDUCTION SKILLS TEST)

Answer the following five questions and then use the secret decoder table to determine your player level.

1. What’s the first thing you say to a chick?

   A. “I’m awesome.”

   B. “Hi. How are you?”

   C. “Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

2. When you go out, you usually wear

   A. a suit. Duh.

   B. a shirt with a collar, designer denim, dressy shoes—nothing too fancy.

   C. Cheetos-stained jeans, sandals, and a hysterically ironic screen-print T-shirt.

3. A woman’s coming over to your place. You

   A. quickly usher the chick from last night off the premises.

   B. scramble to clean up the place and hide any porn.

   C. ask your parents to seriously respect the No Trespassing sign on your door this time.

4. How many ladies have you been with?

   A. please.

   B. I’d rather not say.

   C. probably, like, a million.

5. In the above picture, you are most likely

   A. chatting up that fine illustration of a chick.

   B. sitting with your bros debating which ladies to approach and how—a process that will continue until last call, when you skulk home sad and alone.

   C. not pictured. You were going to go out with your bros but got caught up in an epic World of Warcraft PvP with some kid in Korea … and you totally would have pwned that noob with just a Vindicator’s Brand (Mongoose enchant) if the server hadn’t crashed.

PLAYER LEVEL

Give yourself 5 points for every A, 3 points for every B, and 1 point for every C.

23–25	Don Juan
16–22	Don Johnson
10–15	Don King
5–9	Don Knotts

THE HISTORY OF THE PLAYBOOK

While the collection of plays presented here hails from the incomparable mind of Barney Stinson, it is by no means a new endeavor. In fact, devising schemes to seduce women has been man’s primary occupation since before the dawn of history. The proof exists in prehist...