on March 28, 2004
After having reviewed the rules themselves, there seems to be a common thread: Play hard to get, but throw him a bone every once in a while to keep him hooked. In the field of psychology, they call this variable reinforcement, and it is very effective at reinforcing behavior.
And this is exactly what the Rules does: it reinforces male behavior. But what behavior is that? It reinforces WEAK, NEEDY, and SUPPLICANT behavior! Make the men jump through hoops while remaining emotionally aloof, and eventually you will have your pick of unconditionally devoted men to settle down with.
For instance: The "Don't return his calls" rule. For me, if I don't get a return call after the second message, this girl, no matter how special, will be nexted (as the rules girls put it). I have women who WILL call me back, and those are the ones I'll be seeing. If I wasn't good with women and had all my eggs in one basket, then maybe I would keep chasing after that elusive female. I've seen that behavior in guy friends who are bad with women.
In summary, the rules WILL lead to dating success if you previously had none, especially in the case of women with very low self-esteem, which is whom the book seems tailored to. However, with the rules you will be weeding out all the confident, sexy, and strong men in favor of weak, insecure, and needy ones. But those that you do have left will love you until the end of time. Essentially, you forego the chances of getting men that many women want in favor of the guarantee of getting men that few women want. Can you handle that trade-off?
on June 29, 2004
Try them. They work, and the results will speak for themselves.
I remember my Mother, Grandmothers and Aunts explaining the same "Rules" to us when we were children. For example: Most of the girls I knew were told never to accept a date unless the guy asked you out at least 3 days in advance. Why? Because, being too readily or easily available made you look like you had no self-respect and were desperate. It was an embarassment. And...the boy who asked you out on such short notice was also suspect. Why? Because it often was interpreted to mean he couldn't find anyone else, and you were the last resort! Or he felt you were not that much a "hot commodity" and he could afford to wait to the last minute. Not exactly flatteringh, huh?
It's interesting that conventional wisdom like this, is now published in book form and turned into a bestseller. Why? Because, a lot of women have not been taught any of this conventional wisdom. As a result, they have been wearing their hearts on their sleeve. They have made themselves too available, too forthcoming, too desperate. As a result they are getting very, very hurt.
"The Rules" are NOT about manipulating men, either. They are about having self-respect, self-esteem and having an independent life of your own.
"The Rules" should be required reading for every female over the age of 13.
on June 27, 2004
I thought this book was very eye opening. As an attractive and educated woman dating in Manhattan I have to admit I was too nice and often hurt. The Rules state to smile more, look your best, find your own activities and get your own life. I'm not saying that I didn't have that, but as I got involved with a man I would start to let my life slip as I tried to get more involved with his. This book has taught me how to put myself first (don't always say yes) and I have found that is a more attractive quality to men.
It's normal for us ladies to like a guy and wish for them to call us and think about them all the time. But by focusing more on yourself (as The Rules suggest) you spend more time doing your thing and not worrying about whether he will call.
This book teaches you to keep the hunt going. Once men (not all but a lot of them) realize that you are always around and that you are always available they really do begin to get a little bored. The woman that is mysterious unfortunately holds their interest. This book also teaches you NOT to put out more than what you receive so you won't get hurt.
I was the nice girl...always available, willing to reschedule my plans to accommodate. It was hard changing my ways and I'm still trying. Sometimes I do want to call and it kills me not to but the book is right...when they call YOU the conversation is a lot better and when they realize you are pulling back they spring forward.
This is not a book of games, just advice my mother/grandmother didn't teach me. Some of it is old and I wish they would update it (they mention turn your ringer off or not to answer your beeper but we all have cell phones now which makes screening calls harder) but for the most part if you are a good girl, too nice and accommodating and feel like you are/were being taken for granted this is a must read.
I also suggest, "Why men love bitches" which goes more into detail about these rules.
on May 26, 2003
Here is a wacky book that assumes love relation is about practicing rules of manipulation. It encourages (women) to pretend what they are not to get men to marry them. Amid dozens of near stupid* (see notation below) and odd rules, two authors presented a lot of illogical reasoning to convince readers that all men need this sort of manipulation to be happy with their women. Over and over the authors emphasized it is not manipulating your men but actually helping them... your relatinship becomes miserable when breaking the Rules....if the Rules screw up your emotional life, do not consult with your therapists....On the contrary, two self-claimed-expert authors advertised their consultation fee on their web site for $200 initial fee plus $75 per 45-minute session afterwards or discounted package: $800 per 6 x 45-minute sessions and $1000 per 8 x 45-minute sessions...Wow, easy money from readers who swallowed the poison.
This book is so strangely influential to the dating scene that I had to leave this review to have my opinion heard. In relationship, you get what you pay for. To each his/her own kind. There are certain men enjoy playing hunting games. There are certain men who can't identify or resist manipulation. There are certain men who only want what they can't get. These men who would most likely comply with the Rules are suggested to be the Mr. Right. The book makes effort to assure its readers that these are the right men for the "Rules Girls". What about the rest of regular types of men who are busy and matured enough not to play games and just want to find nice women to get married with? They probably won't survive or give a dame about complying with the Rules. From men's point of view: there is a boundary between women's playing hard-to-get games and being rude or plain stupid. It's likely that women who play The Rules cut themselves off from those Mr. Right who prefer not to marrying to irrational spouses.
It is a pity that some pretty women whom I was originally attracted to or had crush on still played the Rules and turned me off eventually. What they did not realize was: "The more they played the Rules, the more they revealed their low self-esteem and under-developped intellect and the less attractive they became to me". The Rules just does not work for a guy like me who only wants to find a loving and compatible spouse to marry with.... In a way, I should be glad about this book because it kept me from falling for those attrative women who were pitiful enough to buy in those stupid rules and stubborn enough to believe it was good for them. I may not marry the most intelligent woman but I really want my children genetically smarter than these rules.
Note: Do not answer to a baby's crying for hunger until the fourth time. What's the emotional similarity between a man's calling for a woman's affection and a baby's crying for hunger? Both are needy desires. All men were once babies. Human desire wears out gradually when passion is not properly returned. The stomach digests itself in long-lasting starvation and will no longer accept regular food without proper treatment. But, according to the Rules, this baby will love you more if you don't feed him often and no more than once every four cries. Is there any word other than stupid* to call this? It is a pity that this book draws many followers from the ignorant.
on April 10, 2003
At the first glance, I thought this was a book of dry humor on dating. Later, the shallowness in this book turned my stomach inside out when I read it over in the book store. Although I didn't buy this book, it helped me reach a decision. That is, I would never date any passive and unable-to-think-for-themselves "Rules Girls", regardless their physical attaction. In the past, before I even knew about this book, I had turned down two pretty women who first played hard to get games and then got backfired by their own games. Why? Different spiritual species do not mate due to incompatible spiritual DNA's.
"The Rules" are derived from a set of narrow views about men. It became popular becasue it somehow strokes a target woman group's wounded ego. What type of woman readers would buy a book to dictate or fix their dating lives? Well, the answer is obvious so I'd rather keep it to myself for the reading courtesy. The publication of The Rules is one of those getting rich schemes by manipulating people's feelings and selling them false sense of security. Yes, the Rules will help some insecure or sleazy women to reconstruct their self esteem in dating. But, mostly, it screens out a great deal of quality admirers and leaves you with those desperate but safe men. By saying 'safe', I meant 'less marketable and desirable'.
Unfortunately, not every man would react to the Rules positively in real life, especially those sensitive, intelligent and quality ones. Ask yourself this question, "Will a highly demanded and intelligent single man waste his time and put up with the garbage in the Rules in order to prove his persistant and genuine LOVE for you WHEN HE BARELY KNOWS YOU? In a fantasy little world, you may like to think so...........oh, yes, he REALLY LOVES me, he still wants me even after I treated him like a dog..........okay, knock, knock, time for the reality check, =R=O=A=D= =T=O= =T=H=E= =T=R=U=T=H => The more desirable and intelligent a man is, the better other available opportunities he's got to go after. If he's been sincere, he would have got hurt by now and turned away to prevent getting more hurt by your inconsiderate rules. You rules have just screened out a good catch. On the other hand, if he's a player, he would stick around while womanizing the other girls behind your back, because he knew your predictable dating schedule well. He could probably book up a couple of Rules Girls to kill time with. Or, the worst kind, your rules just scooped up the obssesive kind of men who can't think for themselves objectively and who are really desperate, i.e. Stalkers + The Rules = Restraining Orders.
I wonder, after all those feminism movements, why would some women sacrifice their intuitions by playing a set of stiff rules? Don't both sexes enjoy the spontaneity in romance? Don't you respect your own liking and choice in men? Where are woman's rights and individuality promoted in this book that is supposed to better women's personal lives? It is better to think for yourself with common sense than following the Rules. Be decisive, spontaneous and careful with each other in dating. If the relationship does not work out at best, learn from it and move on for a better man. Nothing turns a sincere man off faster than knowing she was playing games to manipulate his feelings - - - this is true, unless he is a spineless pushover or pretentious player. In that case, he will not be a REAL MAN who would stand what is the right thing to do in adverse situation and protect you justly.
Oh, before I forgot, the Rules intentionally brainwashes you to neglect the No. 1 truth, "MEN ARE FLESH AND HAVE FEELINGS TOO". Don't let the authors fool you. Don't waste money and time on this book. Use that $5.99 I saved for you to buy yourself a chocolate delight and ice cream. My treat!
on February 18, 2004
If you follow the advice in this book, the person you end up with could only think of you as the best thing since sliced bread. But chances are that you're not, and therefore the person who thinks you are is a spineless sycophant. Those who believe a relationship should be built on mutual respect will skip this book or burn it, and those secure in their own imperfections won't bother with the charade of pomposity it prescribes. Be real.
on October 21, 2011
The Rules are not just behaviours designed to attract and keep a man. Far from it. The Rules are about respecting yourself, being optimistic about your love life and never ever letting a man play with your heart or use you for sex.
It's such a cliché, but you actually learn how important the rules are when you break them and get your heart broken. When I first read the rules, I was following them religiously and I had met several men that were crazy about me. I really liked one of these men and I started dating him. In the beginning, it was great and I was following the rules. However, a few weeks later, I had broken several important rules (I slept with him too soon, I revealed too much too soon, I was too available, I would do little things for him, etc.). Then, he broke up with me, saying that things weren't really the same anymore. I was devastated.
Well, I learned my lesson. Men want a challenge and respect something way more if they have to work hard to get it. I will never break another rule again.
P.S. Another really good book that I highly recommend (which is consistent and complementary to The Rules) is Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov. Amazing book, much like The Rules.
on April 22, 2007
All I have to say is that I find it humorous that so many men are against the practices in this book, and say they would rather be with the women who love and give too much, and yet - they always end up falling for the ones who have that certain "je ne sais quoi" quality about them. Now ladies my question for you is this: are you more willing to hear a man's words or listen to his actions? Because I can guarantee you that they don't say and do the same thing..
Read this book and follow it to the letter if you want to have first of all, respect for yourself, and second of all (yes this is second!) - a good man who will be your partner. I used to be one of those doormat "nice" girls with men, but I've learned painfully through my mistakes, and by following the guidelines in this book, men don't even have the opportunity to walk all over me, I simply don't let them! And you know what? EVERYONE, including the guys are better off for that. You truly do teach people how to let them treat you.
on December 8, 2003
I can't believe I actually read this lame book. It is about playing safe and hard to get to screen your admirers. A big problem about these rules is: when a woman is interested in a man she likes, she will lose him by playing these rules. It is rude not returning phone calls. It is socially inept acting disinterested to someone you like. All these negative qualities will steer away YOUR Mr. Right. Sure, this book taught you to move on because he was never meant to be. Wrong! The fact is these rules don't work on some guys and you blew up a chance with YOUR Mr. Right.
The book implies you keep playing these rules and one day some Mr. Right (probably a low-self-esteemed one) who loves you regardless will be sharing your bed. Learn to live with him and hopefully you might grow to love him and let RULES sequels show you how to keep him. I say this is a pathetic marriage advice selectively given to some readers who can barely find mates. For women who ever experienced on love-at-the-first-sight and chemistry in relationship, this book is not for you. Attaction and romance are beyond the scope of this book. It is a shame to end up with someone you have to grow to love or learn to keep. To love and being loved in return is the best thing in life. You should trust your guts feelings and marry someone you like.
on August 11, 2003
Hey, I'm not dissing "The Rules" entirely. About 1% of the book I agree with: the part where they advise not to jump in the sack with your date on the first day or few first months. That's it. The rest is just dumb, like I said in the title of this review. Don't approach a guy? Don't talk to him first? Don't ask him to dance? Never go Dutch on a date? Never be heftier than other girls? Don't call him? Bull!!! Today women have rights and they should be able to take the elephant by the tusks and ask a man (or boy, depending on your age) to dance or call him or approach him or ask him out on a nice fun date.
As for the "hefty" thing, that really ticks me to Saturn! Hefty is just as beautiful as thin and thin is just as beautiful as hefty. I am sick and tired of of Hollywood saying "thin" is THE only beauty! I'm also sick of people saying "hefty" is more REAL than thin. They're both REAL and both belong to different types of women and men. Everyone is equally beautiful, no matter what people say. NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING HOOLYWOOD SAYS! If a guy doesn't like you because of your weight, he's an ... and doesn't deserve you. Good guys, the real guys that you will spend the rest of your life with, will look beyond you body--no matter what it looks like--and will gaze for the real person in your very soul. I threw the book across the bedroom in absolute rage when I read "Remember, overweight is not the rules." What I would've written is "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." If you see a person and think "jeez, they're ugly," you are wrong. If you get to know the person--really get to KNOW them--and see that they are a gorgeous person on the inside, you will start to see their body that way, as well.
"The Rules" is extinguishing a very important part of a relationship: joint particapation. If you always make him pay for lunch and dinner and movie tickets and zoo admission and always end a call first because you have "other things to do" and make him search for pen and paper when he asks for your phone number, you're not building a relationship or creating more tension, you are telling him you could care less about him. A relationship is about giving a little and taking a little and if you are always running away and not answering his messages, you are not in a relationship, you are in something entirely different: a wild goose chase.
As for the whole "Rules" concept, this what I have to say... Acting a "certain way" to manipulate a man into marrying you is completely sick. Men are not animals that need to be trained and whipped once a week, they are human beings with souls and minds of their own. Most men are pretty decent and will respect your ways if he likes you for WHO YOU ARE, not some mumbo-jumbo "WAY" to "GET" a man. Of course, they're are those women-hating ... in overalls. Don't bother with them, the sickos. The small and gist of this review: "The Rules" is completely dumb and will throw 10000000000000% more ... on your love life than sunshine.
My one motto I go by when it comes to guys: Be yourself, not someone else, don't follow some mumbo-jumbo "RULES" set out for you by women who have no idea what dating is all about, and if he doesn't like you for who you are and who you always meant to be...he's an ....