The Second Family: Dealing with Peer Power, Pop Culture, the Wall of Silence -- and Other Challenges of Raising Today's Teens [Paperback]

Many aspects of this book could be describing when I was a teenager back in the 1960s. Dr. Taffel has a good ear for understanding how teens interact with one another.

Part of the growing up process is to begin to identify more with your friends than with your family, particularly if you are having a lot of conflict with your family. Along with the friends comes the popular teen culture of what is cool. Although the specifics of "cool" will constantly change, it is a way to feel like you fit in. That point connects to Dr. Taffel's more profound point. Teenagers are looking for comfort. This is both physical and emotional comfort.

Many parents fear the teen culture, assuming that behind each pierced body part can be found the core of a drug dealer, a temper, and miscreant. In fact, your teen's friends are probably a lot like your teen in attitude and focus. They may dress and act differently, but they have enough common ground to be comfortable with each other. More importantly, teens place a high reliance on being there for each other, being trustworthy, and keeping their word. In the family, a sense of being wronged can get in the way of behaving in that manner.

The problem today is that busy parents and teens spend little time talking about their reactions to what's happening to and around them. On the other hand, teens talk about it endlessly. The teen influence is going to win, unless the parents recast their attention and focus.

The best part of the book can be found in a series of practical suggestions for helping your teen earn your trust, how to work with your spouse and the school to support your teen, and how to be an effective part of your teen's life by showing genuine interest in your teen and her or his activities and concerns.

My main complaint about the book is that the title is very misleading. Most people will think the book is about step families. The subtitle is also misleading. It suggests that teens are directly concerned with challenging their families. Actually, the families, teens, and school can all work together in very harmonious ways. They often do, even when not coordinating with one another. Two good related books that will help you understand this one are Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! and The Truth Will Set You Free.

After you finish this book, try to remember how your parents misunderstood the influence that your friends had on you. Where might you be making the same mistake now?

Encourage others to learn from experience, without taking on more risk than they can handle!

The Second Family gave me "spine" as a parent and has opened avenues for working with schools and other parents to offset so much of what is troubling about some of the "second families" our kids are curious about or are already involved in.