The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace Paperback – Jan 8 2001
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Self-proclaimed "feminist and former shrew" Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound intimacy in one's marriage. Building on the gender stereotypes defined by bestselling author John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus), Doyle seeks to heal the overworked, underappreciated wife who snarls at her mate's every thought or action. Her message to these smart, self-sufficient types: check the nitpicking, the unsolicited opinions, and--egads!--the finances at the marital door (although she says it's still okay to wield control at work). Many women will find such advice archaic and offensive; some will simply laugh off this credential-free anachronism when they receive the book as a bridal-shower gag gift. Still others, identifying with Doyle's profile of a controlling wife, will be curious enough to dabble in her proposed art of "surrendering."
According to Doyle, the wife who chooses to surrender must learn to take care of herself first, overcome the desire to have more power, and abandon the myth of equality. Delving into the personal tales and sisterly advice shared within each chapter's pages, surrendering wives will further note the need to master unsavory phrases like "I can't," and "Whatever you think"--tough to swallow for a generation of women who value their own opinions. While she fully acknowledges that a few bills will go unpaid and a few deadlines or freeway exits will occasionally be missed, she also insists that surrendered wives will encounter less worry and fear, more money, and better sex. Hey, "Whatever you think...." --Liane Thomas
From Publishers Weekly
A natural for audio, Doyle is perky, enthusiastic, friendly and confiding as she shares her secrets for a happy marriage. Her main point is that when she criticized, nagged and tried to control her husband, the marriage suffered; but when she "surrendered," letting him do things his way and make decisions for the family, he rose to the occasion, becoming a responsible and loving husband and making her feel protected and cared for. Doyle's "one size fits all" approach is not likely to fit everyone; indeed, it's hard to imagine any wife (or husband, for that matter) feeling emotionally satisfied in a marriage where every one of the husband's suggestions is met with a demure "Whatever you think best, dear." Doyle's insistence that the husband should control all aspects of the family's finances is also likely to raise a few eyebrows. But such extremism aside, Doyle makes some worthwhile points. Nagging and criticizing are not conducive to marital harmony, and treating a man like an incompetent child turns the wife into his mother which isn't likely to make either party happy. Doyle also points out that wives need to take time to care for themselves (going to lunch with friends, getting facials or whatever activities they enjoy), instead of constantly martyring themselves to the needs of others. Based on the Fireside paperback.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.--This text refers to the Audio Cassette edition. See all Product Description
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Top Customer Reviews
I have seen many of the sort of controlling women that the book is aimed at: the ones who micromanage their husbands and are never happy with them. The message is that if your husband is not good enough, leave. If he is one of the good guys, he wants to do the right thing if you will get off his back and give him some room.
Every chapter is full of helpful comments and insight to help make this work.
It is not about turning yourself into a doormat, at all. There are chapters on setting limits, communicating your needs, etc.
The almost violent reaction of some of the reviewers suggests that the author has hit a nerve. I think some of the reviewers see themselves well described in the book - like the author who describes herself as a feminist and former shrew. Some obviously never even read it, preferring to assume they knew what it would say.
Not prefect but worth a read. I bought it as a joke and then didn't read it for a long time because the title is so corny. Glad I did. If you take the message broadly there are messages for men too. Treat your wife with respect and do the right thing, work toward intimacy.
I love the author's candid writing style, and it would be a great read for any woman whose marriage is less-than-thriving, especially if they can talk through it with a trusted female friend.
Even though I am not completely through the book yet, I am so happy with the impact that it has had on my relationship that I can give it 5 stars without having finished it. For all of you women that have given this book one star - do you and your husband a favor - read the book again. With an open mind. Your relationships can't be that perfect if you found a need to buy the book to begin with. So read the book again - and really WORK towards those positive changes that you were searching for in your relationship.
Women have power in psychology...they can abuse it and become passive aggressive, or they can put it to good use. We can make men better, we can make them stronger, just by being listeners, just by being their cheering squad. And in my experience, (brothers, father, husband, friends), men will usually return the favor double. Men are really nicer than women, or at least less complex.
Ms. Doyle isn't saying that we shouldn't communicate with our husbands, she is saying quite the opposite. She says that we should make our desires known...but that we shouldn't say, "Do this, Do that"--instead we should say "I would like..." (This includes, "I would like a job", "I would like a 401K", & "I would like to try my hand at investing", so don't sweat the whole "household slave" argument being touted by the books detractors) Really, most men want to make their wives happy (or their mother, sister, daughter, or even the women down the hall who is a bit dumpy and past middle age but whom treats them with kindness & respect), and when they're not ordered they will try really, really, hard. (If you don't have these type of men in your life, you should really find out why you're picking the loosers).
As a wife you wield tremendous power...women tend to have more than one "deep" relationship (which is why we "bounce back") more easily after divorce. Our husbands have, well, us--and guys they occasionally drink with. Do you see how vulnerable that makes them? This book is about not abusing our power, but instead about using it to get a very strong, happy, helpmate and true partner.
Most recent customer reviews
If you're buying this because r/RedPillWomen recommended it then you're on the right track.Published 7 months ago by SK
I never ever write reviews but by far one of the best books I have ever read about solving issues within marriage, would recommend to anyone in a relationship, getting married, and... Read morePublished 9 months ago by Nazan
Controversial though it may seem, this book provides practical ways in which to improve your marriage and regain that lost intimacy. The author's advice really does work!Published on Oct. 1 2010 by Roxy
I am very thankful for this book[search the book name in Wikipedia, then there see the video "60 Minutes Australia: Under the thumb"], and for all ladies who like it, Don't ever... Read morePublished on June 29 2009 by HappyMenWomen6023
I always hated those smug happy couples. You know the ones. But then I met my husband, and a lot of things changed for me. Read morePublished on June 15 2004
I liked a lot of what this book had to offer. There were things that just wouldn't work in a lot of relationships though, so you really have to just take what feels right for... Read morePublished on April 29 2004 by Anya
This book sucks! If you are a wife who has controlled, criticized, belittled, and dismissed your husband into nothingness, this book might be for you. Read morePublished on Jan. 17 2004 by Beth F.
I felt a little sketchy about this book because of what the title implies, boy I was glad I purchased this book dispite my inital attitude! Read morePublished on Jan. 9 2004