Love Lesson From Twilight #4,267: "Love" turns all guys into controlling jerks who don't do anything except compete to see whose dingdong is bigger.
Sadly that's most of what's going on in "Twilight: Eclipse." It's the best of the series thus far, mainly because some underdeveloped characters get some backstory and there are some interesting action scenes... but the movie is smothered in a thick coating of phlegmlike teen angst, whining and bickering. It gets to the point where you WISH the bad guys would arrive.
In summary: Edward (Robert Pattinson) is pestering Bella (Kristen Stewart) to marry him. Bella doesn't want to because (boohoo) her parents are divorced and marriage is dead to her, but she DOES want to become a vampire. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) wants Bella to dump Edward and be with him instead.
Meanwhile, the evil Victoria is raising an army of newborn vampires to come to Forks and kill Bella. Yes, seriously -- she raised an entire army to kill ONE bland human teenager. Not the Cullens, or the people of Forks. Just Bella. And since the entire universe revolves around Bella, both the werewolves and the Cullens are desperate to protect her. So they overcome centuries of mutual hatred and join forces to protect her.
I will admit it: "Twilight Eclipse" is easily the best movie in this series... which is like saying that a pinch is less unpleasant than a poke in the eye. Amazingly, there are actually some taut, fast-paced scenes here, as well as some creepy eerie scenes involving the newborn army (like their too-briefly glimpsed mayhem in Seattle).
Too bad that isn't what the plot is REALLY about. Instead, we're battered with a bad teen soap opera -- lots of heavy breathing, kissing, whining, and romantic estrangements that last about two minutes. The dialogue is painfully vapid ("You love him." "I love you more." "I know"), and the director seems to be desperately trying to come up with some kind of plot other than Edward and Jacob being emo jerks.
Kristen Stewart gives her usual one-note performance -- dead eyes, masklike face and a monotone voice. And the insipid Bella just drifts through the movie, more of a living MacGuffin than a heroine. It's hard to see why not one but TWO boys would be ready to die for a boring girl who just sits there breathing through her large front teeth.
Robert Pattinson is pretty obviously just here for for his paycheck, while Taylor Lautner gives it his best effort. Unfortunately his character has turned into a controlling jerk to rival Edward, and the two male leads have more sexual chemistry with each other (the tent scene) than with the leaden Stewart. In fact, the only decent character development is given to Jasper and Rosalie, and seeing their backstories (especially Rosalie's bloodthirsty bride rampage) makes them richer and more intriguing than our bland protagonists.
"Twilight Eclipse" is the best movie of the Twilight series.... which isn't saying much. It has some good moments, but those are smothered by all the teen soapiness.