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The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends Paperback – Sep 3 2003


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Frequently Bought Together

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends + How to Make & Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges + Social Rules for Kids: The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 352 pages
  • Publisher: Little, Brown and Company; 1 edition (Sept. 3 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0316917303
  • ISBN-13: 978-0316917308
  • Product Dimensions: 14 x 2.2 x 21 cm
  • Shipping Weight: 318 g
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #123,822 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

Elman, director of the Summit Center for Learning in Summit, N.J., and Kennedy-Moore, a Westfield, N.J., psychotherapist, offer a detailed examination of the different ways children interact with their peers. Often, otherwise bright and "normal" children behave in ways that cause other children, family members and teachers to label them as disruptive, unhappy or troublesome. There are nine types of children, according to the authors, including the "short-fused," "little adult," "born leader" and "different drummer." Parents will immediately be able to identify their child from the detailed descriptions included. For example, "Short-Fused Children may appear to be strong, but inside they feel vulnerable. These children are extremely sensitive. They often believe that the whole world is against them. Because they feel threatened, they respond angrily, instinctively fighting to protect themselves." As they explain the various types of behaviors, the authors depict a number of scenarios to show the difficulties children can have relating to others. The challenge for the parents is to help their children learn "the Unwritten Rules" so they have fewer problems and form happier, more productive relationships. The authors provide specific sentences that both parents and children can use to change these destructive behavior patterns, but some parents will probably hope for even more specific do's and don'ts. Given that other childrearing tomes rarely cover this topic, this book is a welcome addition to the parenting library.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.


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By A Customer on March 27 2005
Format: Paperback
This book will help many a shy adult as well as people of all ages with Asperger's Syndrome. This book is an excellent navigational tool in decoding the Tacit Social Codes & Rules. Asperger's Syndrome, which is in the autism spectrum includes a lack of intuitive knowledge of these Social Codes & Rules and their accompanying skills. This book reaches people on the spectrum on the cognitive level and helps many to compensate cognitively for what is lacked intuitively.
I like the way it empowers parents and educators to realize that not everybody can just approach a peer and make an instant friend. Relying on tired cliches such as constant reassurance at best or criticism/blame at worst, the book acts as a "how to" in order to improve social skills. No promises are made and encouragement is given instead. Had this book existed when I was a child, much sorrow and shame might have been avoided. Compassion is the tone of the book and I cannot recommend it highly enough.
If I could give this book a higher rating, I would cheerfully do so.
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By A Customer on Sept. 15 2003
Format: Paperback
I was relieved to find concrete explanations and helpful strategies in this book. Those of us with kids who just don't seem to form the right relationships, can benefit from the real world application of the authors' knowledge. I have already tried some of the ideas for learning games and subtle suggestions , to good effect. It feels good to take some action to help my child fit in without feeling like I am interfering.
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By A Customer on Sept. 15 2003
Format: Paperback
I loved this book! Its so gentle yet practical. I have two boys and the ideas in the book were helpful for both of them. I also recognized some of the issues I struggled with as a child. The advice in the book was even helpful to me!
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 37 reviews
88 of 88 people found the following review helpful
A Godsend and Ideal For All Ages March 27 2005
By BeatleBangs1964 - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback
This book will help many a shy adult as well as people of all ages with Asperger's Syndrome. This book is an excellent navigational tool in decoding the Tacit Social Codes & Rules. Asperger's Syndrome, which is in the autism spectrum includes a lack of intuitive knowledge of these Social Codes & Rules and their accompanying skills. This book reaches people on the spectrum on the cognitive level and helps many to compensate cognitively for what is lacked intuitively.

I like the way it empowers parents and educators to realize that not everybody can just approach a peer and make an instant friend. Instead of relying on tired cliches such as constant reassurance at best or criticism/blame at worst, this book acts as a "how to" guide in order to improve social skills. No promises are made and encouragement is given instead. Had this book existed when I was a child, much sorrow and shame might have been avoided. Compassion is the tone of the book and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

If I could give this book a higher rating, I would cheerfully do so.
103 of 104 people found the following review helpful
Wish my parents had this when I was a kid Aug. 9 2005
By Jennifer Merrill - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback
As a shy child who had troubles making friends, this book would have been enormously helpful. I bought it because I realized my daughter was having the same problems I used to have, and I felt helpless to know what to tell her to help her. I didn't want her to suffer as I had, but I wasn't exactly qualified to tell another person how to make friends! I am so glad I got this book. It is full of practical, detailed advice on what you can do to teach your child social skills. I'm finding it useful too! I would recommend it whole-heartedly to anyone who is in the same situation I was in.
37 of 39 people found the following review helpful
required reading July 30 2005
By Pen - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This book has an eye-catching title, but really the title suggests just a small portion of what this book provides. A real look at how to really raise children with different emotional needs, treating them like individuals and people - and offering concrete and specific suggestions and techniques, not the usual cliche drivel. Every parent or future parent should receive a copy of this book. Not a bad resource for non-parents too.
41 of 44 people found the following review helpful
A Grateful Mental Health Counselor... Nov. 6 2003
By A Customer - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback
This book is an absolute must for parents AND teachers who want to guide children through the mastering of essential social skills for building friendships. The all inclusive presentation of means and methods for knowing and implementing The Unwritten Rules will spare many children from the pain of unknowingly inviting social rejection. It's all within The Unwritten Rules...clearly visible to the mind and heart. The authors admirably and impressively answer many children's calls for help.
44 of 49 people found the following review helpful
For Normal Kids. Not For Aspies April 20 2010
By David Humphries - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Overall, the book is well organized. It provides practical tips and exercises to teach children appropriate social behaviors. It can serve as a reference for all those good and bad social actions that a parent may not remember to discuss.

It is a book written for "normal" and young children. The exercises seem to be directed to children younger than sixth grade. The book may be of some use to Asperger's children if they are elementary school aged, but beyond that, I doubt it would be of much value. For the record, I have an Asperger's son.

The book is broken into sections based on personality types: The Vulnerable Child, The Different Drummer, The Little Adult, etc. This structure makes it possible to quickly identify where your child fits, primarily, and to focus on those behaviors first. Each section stands on its own, and thoroughly describes how that personality typically acts in social settings. Exercises are provided to assist you in teaching your child the rules for each section (personality). There are nine personality types explained, and if any are missing, I can't think of one.

Parents of Asperger's children should not view this book as a primary resource. It is written for "normal kids who struggle to be accepted by their peers," as it states on page 8. The exercises may be helpful in some cases where the child can learn a cognitive method of behavior; however, there is no effort or attempt at addressing the underlying anxieties and thought processes that dictate the behaviors of an Aspie. Any cognitive efforts would have to be done at an early age. I find it highly unlikely that a middle-school or older Aspie would benefit much from this book.

The disappointing part of the book is its maddeningly naïve approach to bullying. It promotes the same worthless approaches that have never worked, and excuses school systems' lack of action by stating that "these kinds of programs take time." I've been hearing about these programs for 13 years. How much more time will it take? Was I to tell my suicidal son that "these kinds of programs take time"?

Education is the only industry allowed to say, "give us a few more years, and maybe then we'll have a good product." In corporate America, we lose jobs.

Regardless, the book is well written, well organized, and highly worthwhile for normal children who are having trouble fitting in. I would recommend it.


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