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9 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Proceed with caution, Mar 17 2004
I picked this book up from a used book store mostly because, as as someone who does family support work and has worked with abused children, I felt compelled to read it - the book is considered a classic. It hasn't, at least to me, stood the test of time. It may still be worth reading for professionals just on the grounds I stated - because of the book's status as a classic, but I wouldn't reccommend it for people who are still working through abuse issues.First, the strengths of the book. Forward uses alot of vignettes to illustrate her points. This technique is helpful for readers because it demonstrates that, despite what some of her critics have suggested, she doesn't consider every parent who has ever raised his/her voice to a child to be a toxic parent. She does know what real abuse is, and she provides good definitions, including some good checklists, to help determine it. Some of her advice is very practical, such as the need for counselling, and the use of techniques such as role play and letter writing. The book is fast paced and easy to understand. So why such a low grade? Forward is stuck on blaming parents for their mistakes. She wants to label all abusive parents as monsters, and many aren't. At times, Forward seems to have an understanding of family systems theory, but she then fails to utilize it to have some empathy for the conditions that created the abusive parents in the first place. I don't think her level of anger is particularly useful to victims. Anger can only get a person so far; eventually there must be healing. I also disagree, based on solid research, with her stance against forgiveness. Eventually, if victims don't forgive, they will remain under the control of the abuse/abuser. I don't think Forward really understands what forgiveness is - it has nothing to do with letting the abuser off the hook, or saying what they did was ok. To a lesser extent, I also disagree with Forward's assertion that confrontation is necessary in all cases. I think in some cases, just admitting to oneself what happened and acknowledging that you are not to blame is not only enough, it is the smartest, most productive course of action. I realize that the majority of my criticisms of the book are based on my particular theoretical orientation as someone who works with children/families. Normally, I wouldn't necessarily take marks off in a rating based on that. The reason I've done so is because I think this book is marked toward people who are coming to grips with childhood abuse, and, depending upon where a person is in their process, I believe that Forward's approach could actually do damage. This is a book that, if it is to be read at all, should be read by therapists, counsellors, family support workers, child and youth care workers, and social workers should read, take what they consider to be of value, and use that information to help adults.
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