Vanilla Ride [Paperback]

Reading one of Joe R. Lansdale's Hap and Leonard East Texas crime novels always brings tears to my eyes. I'm not crying. I'm laughing so hard that I'm near busting a gut. He's just that funny, that rednecked, and that insanely offensive in everything he puts on the page.

VANILLA RIDE is the first Hap and Leonard novel that's come down the pipe in a while, and I have to admit that I was somewhat antsy we might not see any more books about the two near-do-wells that have so captured my imagination. Joe's a busy guy and likes to have a lot of irons in the fire, from screenplays to comics to short stories to novels about crime and novels about horror. In the meantime, he runs his own martial arts dojo where he's invented his own style that's been recognized in the martial arts community.

Joe's a friend, and I like him and his way of thinking a lot, so you'll have to forgive me. We grew up around (and probably were) the same kind of miscreants, troublemakers, and rabble-rousers that he writes about. We both know small town minds and ways, and both of us can pass for socialized individuals for hours at a time. But we ain't never truly moved away from those small towns.

At any rate, that's the background that Joe always brings to his book. The way he writes it? That's the way it is. Oh, the running gun battles, bar brawls, and body count is probably exaggerated a little, but that's to be expected of a first-rate small town storyteller if he's to keep the attention of his audience.

VANILLA RIDE starts off as a favor for Marvin Hanson, another series regular. Hanson's granddaughter has holed up with a drug dealer and Marvin already threw the guy a beating that didn't take. Since the guy has surrounded himself with thugs, Marvin knows he's going to subcontract the next butt-kicking to a couple of guys that kind of enjoy the work and don't flinch at the prospect.

Hap and Leonard, with all the customary name-calling, philosophizing, and backbiting that has become their trademark, get the job done. But things just get worse from there. Before long, they're up to their eyebrows in alligators (literally at one point) and the Dixie Mafia. Things get so bad they even have to call in another couple of hard guys to help tote the load.

The plot is pretty straightforward and builds naturally to a roaring bonfire and even an Old West High Noon shootout, but it's Joe's way of telling the story that really shines. His prose is lurid, descriptive, and a lot of readers are going to have to resist the impulse to read passages or one-liners out loud because it just won't set well in public. And sometimes you have to really be there in the moment to get what's going on.

His dialogue is dead on. But it's his focus on the friendship between his two heroes that really shines, as it does in every book. Leonard Pine is black and homosexual, and always in the middle of trouble that's caught up to him or he's instigated. Hap Collins is white and not overly upwardly mobile or even ambitious. But the two are as true to each other and what they believe in, even when they're stepping on each other's toes, as magnetic north.

On the surface, VANILLA RIDE is a lightweight action read with a lot of humorous overtones and larger-than-life characters. But Lansdale always piles in a lot of commentary about life and the human race that climbs in under the carpet when nobody's looking. I just wish I'd gotten to meet the enigmatic Vanilla Ride longer. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be getting reacquainted with her soon. I just have to hope she doesn't blow holes in Hap and Leonard.

I've read all of Joe Lansdale's novels, and this one might be the most fun yet. Hap and Leonard are back and in a boatload of trouble (just the way we like 'em), and it's the getting into and then out of that trouble that provides the core of the book -- that and the relationships between the two and their assorted friends and foes. Tonto is a great new addition, as is the title character, and they're filled with the rich character touches we've come to expect from Lansdale. The action is non-stop, but the book still manages to be thoughtful and introspective. The final paragraph is a textbook study in the way to effectively end a novel, and wraps a fist tight around your heart. Lansdale just keeps getting better -- reading him is to remember why you started reading books in the first place and why you still love to now. Write on, Joe!

Okay, this is probably going to be a long review, so bear with me. First of all, I have a lot of things here to say about Joe R. Lansdale. I've said many of these things before in other book reviews, but I'm going to repeat them because I want you to know whom Joe Lansdale is, and I want you to buy and read his books. This author deserves to be on every bestseller list there is in the county, but so far it's only the Italians who have chosen to recognize him first as a great American writers. Shame on us!

I first became acquainted with the horror fiction of Joe Lansdale back during the late eighties and early nineties. It wasn't until the year 2000, however, that I actually read something by him. The book was The Bottoms, and it blew me right out of my little white cotton bobby socks. The Bottoms is probably one the best novels I'd ever read and I eventually wrote a review on it, stating that this book deserved to have been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. I felt that way then, and I feel that way now. A few months later, author John Connolly (creator of the fabulous "Charlie Parker" series) paid me a visit when he was in Las Vegas to promote his newest novel. He was looking at the books on my shelves and saw The Bottoms. He picked it up and said, "This is a great book." He then asked if I'd ever read any of Joe's Hap Collins/Leonard Pine novels. I told him no, and he ordered me to get a few, saying they would have me laughing my butt off, while delivering a solid story of suspense and redneck violence.

I took John's advice and ordered every Hap/Leonard book that Lansdale had written up to that point and started reading the series from the middle outward, beginning with Bad Chili. The first chapter of that book had me laughing so hard that I got stomach cramps and almost fell off the couch. The novel also made me wonder how someone could write a book like The Bottoms and then turn around and write a novel like Bad Chili, which is about a pair of good ol' Texas boys (think Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson), who always get more than they bargained for whenever they help out their friends. Hap is a white laid-back, former Vietnam activist who served some time in prison for his liberal beliefs, while Leonard is an angry, black, gay Vietnam Vet, who's studied the martial arts and wants to right every wrong he comes across. By the end of Bad Chili, I was in love with these two characters and wanted to read every book in the series, which I did in less than two weeks. I then wrote reviews of all the Hap/Leonard novels, trying to let as many people as possible know about this one-of-a-kind series. When you read something that's downright great, you want to share it with everyone in the world. I was also lucky because the newest Hap/Leonard novel, Captains Outrageous, was due to come out a few months later in hardcover. This was in 2001.

I've been waiting eight long years for the next Hap/Leonard book to arrive at the stands and during this time Joe Lansdale has written some of the best literature that's come out of the state of Texas--A Fine Dark Line and Sunset and Sawdust--along with a number of western novels, some fantasy, a ton of short story collections, and a number of mainstream thriller novels such as Lost Echoes and Leather Maidens. This is an author who can write in any genre he chooses and do it like a true master of the written word.

Now, what about the newest Hap Collins and Leonard Pine novel, Vanilla Ride? Was it worth the eight-year wait? Yes, it was! I personally think it's the best Hap/Leonard novel that Joe has written. This was a book I couldn't put down. It had me laughing out loud in a dozen places, not to mention wanting to hide out when characters like the Big Guy came onto the scene. I couldn't have asked for a truer Hap/Leonard tale than Vanilla Ride to make up for all the lost years away from the boys. It made me want to sit down and have some vanilla wafers and a couple of Dr. Peppers with them, and to talk about those years and what had been happening with them.

Vanilla Ride begins when Leonard and ex-homicide detective, Marvin Hanson, show up at Hap's house. Hap is in the middle of having some fun with his buxom, redheaded girlfriend, Brett, and has to quickly slip into his bathrobe and bunny slippers to let his buddies into the house. It seems that Marvin's granddaughter has taken up with the wrong, drug-dealing crowd, and Marvin would like Hap and Leonard's assistance in getting her back. Being that Marvin's an ex-cop and still wounded from a recent injury, there's little he can do to help in the process, other than to offer his good blessings. That's enough for Hap and Leonard. After being stagnant for several months, they're ready for a little action and getting the granddaughter out of the hands of some drug-dealing trailer trash doesn't sound too difficult. And, it isn't. Hap and Leonard kick butt and take names, flushing all the drugs they find down the toilet, and in the process, rescuing Marvin's granddaughter. That, however, isn't the end of it.

What Hap and Leonard soon discover is that the small operation belonged to the Dixie Mafia, and the big, mean, guys at the top don't like their people being messed with by a couple of red-neck cowboys. They send their C and B list of enforcers to take care of Hap and Leonard, but a lot of people end up dead and it isn't our two wayward heroes. That's when the two, wisecracking Texans are offered a deal by the local police and the F.B.I. to help bring down the Dixie Mafia. Of course, Hap and Leonard can't expect any help from the authorities, but if they want to stay out of jail for killing the bad guys, then they need to take the offer and to run with it as fast as they can. This will lead them to having to face some of the meanest and most violent criminals of their career, especially one man named Big Guy, who scared the dickens out of me. And, if these guys can't handle Hap and Leonard, well, there's the ultimate killing machine, Vanilla Ride, who always completes her contracts to the Mob. No one has ever gotten away from her alive, but then again, this is Hap and Leonard, and she's never encountered anything like these two wisecracking guys who don't seem to take anything too seriously, even their lives. Still, both men may have met their match with the Dixie Mafia and Vanilla Ride.

As I mentioned to someone else a couple of days ago, reading Vanilla Ride was more fun than rolling down a hill with a bunch of armadillos. I started laughing the minute Leonard noticed his friend's bunny slippers and started making sarcastic remarks about them. This is pure Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson banter, and nobody could play Hap and Leonard better than these two actors.

With regards to the book and the series, perhaps nobody can better capture the southeast portion of Texas better than Joe R. Lansdale with its continuous energy, its people, the utter sense of melancholy that seems to permeate the poorer sections of the state, the pride that Texans feel at being native Texans, and the rampant sense of richness and complexity that arises in each story, not the mention the inner essence of redneck banter that is as true to the ear as any dialogue written by an author. Joe throws two fabulous characters right in the middle of all of this, allowing the reader a glimpse into a world of laughter and killing that only a Texan would understand. Joe shows us what true friendship means by accepting someone and all of their strengths and weaknesses into your life, protecting their back as they protect yours.

Joe R. Lansdale is the Edgar Rice Burroughs and Louis L'Amore of the 21st Century in his ability to tell a good yarn that stays with you long after the story has ended. Joe knows the meaning of entertaining his readers and never forgets that one very important fact when offering insights that deal with racism, homosexuality, the government with all of its false promises, and a friendship that outshines everything else. The Hap/Leonard series is some of the best writing in America today, and after reading a couple of their books, you too will want to sit down with them for some vanilla wafers and Dr. Pepper. But pray that you don't hog the cookies and soda because Leonard will quickly put you in your place while Hap sits there with a big grin on his face, thinking about Brett and the night ahead. Highly recommended to those readers with an unusual sense of the world and an oddball sense of humor.

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