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What He Must Be: ...If He Wants to Marry My Daughter [Paperback]

Jr. Voddie Baucham
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Jan. 30 2009

All parents want their daughters to marry godly young men. But which qualities, specifically, should they be looking for?

What will you say when that certain young man sits down in your living room, sweaty-palmed and tongue-tied, and asks your permission to marry your daughter? What criteria should he meet before the two of them join together for life? What He Must Be… If He Wants to Marry My Daughter outlines ten qualities parents should look for in a son-in-law, including trustworthiness, a willingness to lead his family, an understanding of his wifes role, and various spiritual leadership qualities.

Author Voddie Baucham follows up on his popular book Family Driven Faith with this compelling apologetic of biblical manhood. By studying the principles outlined in his book, parents who want their daughter to marry a godly man-as well as those who want their sons to become godly men-will be well equipped to help their children look for and develop these God-honoring qualities.


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What He Must Be: ...If He Wants to Marry My Daughter + Family Driven Faith: Doing What It Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk with God + Family Shepherds: Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
Voddie Baucham has written a book that shows his deep concern for biblical truth and for his own family. Using his own families failures as a backdrop for the need for this book, Pastor Voddie leads us through the process of helping our sons grow into men of God, prepared to lead a family in a sacrificial and loving way. Through this, he also demonstrates what young women should expect from men desiring to pursue them. Voddie is quite clear that it is not a father's place to arrange a marriage for his daughter. Statements like "I have no intention of picking Jasmine's husband for her. We do not advocate arranged marriages." make this more than clear. Yet, these statements do not release a father from his responsibility to walk through the process of finding a spouse with his daughter. I would best sum it up like this. A father's role is to rule out and chase away the bad choices for a husband, while raising his daughter to be an exemplary wife. Further, fathers should also mentor men towards becoming mature, selfless and faithful husbands, using the role of elder as a target for all men, whether they grow to be a husband for our daughter or not. All men should be taught to desire and strive after towards these qualities.

This is an extremely fast paced book. Pastor Voddie has a point to make, but he will not reitterate and restate the same thing over and over. At about 200 pages, this book by most authors would weigh in closer to 300. Read it slowly, with a highlighter. Read it to and with your family, especially your children. Don't rush through it and definitely do read it more than once.

I'm especially encouraged by the young men at our church who have read this book, and I feel both challenged and encouraged by what it says.
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5.0 out of 5 stars What to look for in a son-in-law July 25 2009
By Canadianladybug TOP 50 REVIEWER
Format:Paperback
I was a bit surprise when I received this book. I first saw the title - What He Must Be... If He Wants to Marry My Daughter - and laughed. You see my little girl is only 19 months right now. I thought it was funny because she was so young and far away from the dating/getting married years. But after I started the book, I realized that it wasn't only a book about what to look for in the young man who will catch her heart but also for us to train our own sons to become strong men of faith and loving husbands.
The major problem these days is that many people get married without taking the covenant seriously. And when we are not happy or just plain dissatisfied, we divorce and try to found someone else. The truth is nobody is perfect and we need to work at our marriage. I like the view of the author on the fact that marriage is a ministry and raising our children too - we need to instill in them a love for God and a willingness of seeking Him.
The author has definitively some interesting views but sometimes I feel as though it is just too much. For example, in the section where the guy must be a leader - I agree with the fact the ultimately the man should lead his family especially when important decision are made. Don't take me wrong, I think we as spouses can voice our concerns and thoughts about it but the final decision need to be made either both agree on it or if there is disagreement I think the man should listen to his spouse and then decide for the better or for the worse. However, when it concerns who should stay home and who should work - I don't think that only the guy should work and only the woman should stay home. We live in a time where anything could happen.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Reforming Marriage July 4 2009
Format:Paperback
Within the church a family reformation is taking place. Parents are turning away from the norms of our Western culture and seeking God's will in His word; turning away from cultural norms as standards for family structure and patterns and towards His ways. Voddie Baucham is amongst the leading teachers at the forefront of this revival. An excellent, literal exegete, he digs into scripture to uncover principles relating to the standards for Christian husbands and the methods we utilize to enter into the covenant of marriage in What He Must Be 'If He Wants to Marry My Daughter.

With three daughters under the age of six, many would find our family's passion for careful attention to the courtship process in our daughter's lives bizarre. However, we've been given a passion for guarding the hearts of our children, and doing our utmost to ensure that they marry qualified Christian young men. With growing numbers of families like ours in the church, Baucham has heeded the call and put pen to page to create far more than a simple checklist of 'what he must be'. Far more than a simplistic check-list that potential suitors must go through to achieve paternal approval, Baucham has written a mini-apologetic for marriage, biblical manhood, and yes ' courtship, within one accessible volume.

The stage is set in the initial chapters that lay out the multi-generational vision for Christian families who serve the Lord, the vital importance of covenant marriages, and the necessity for fathers to become involved in the courtships of their daughters. In this foundation Baucham rightly rejects outright the current practices of serial monogamy (dating), in order to protect and maintain purity of body and heart in our children.
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Amazon.com: 4.5 out of 5 stars  85 reviews
67 of 70 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Book for Every Father Feb. 22 2009
By A. Konvalin - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This is a book every father, or father to be, needs to read. You do not have to have a daughter to read this book as it speaks to the issue of marriage and how as parents we need to be integral in the process of finding a spouse for our children. This is not by arranging marriages but making sure we do more than simply stand by and give empty approval. We need to raise sons worthy of marriage to our daughters and to raise daughters that know what God calls for in a spouse.

As with most reviews there is only so much one can cover and I cannot encourage you to read this book enough. There may be things that are counter cultural, such as seeing dating as detrimental to marriage, but that is not because the conclusion stated are wrong but because we are so influenced by current practices that anything foreign to them seem wrong. Many times choices need to speak out and Voddie is one of those voices.

We are called not simply to bring forth daughters and sons into the world but to be used by God to mold them and then send them off in an appropriate manner. All too often in an effort to not appear to be "old fashioned" or out of touch with the present we send our daughters off to fend for themselves instead of being the father God calls us to be. Voddie sets forth not only sound advice but sound advice grounded in scripture. Scripture needs to be sought after not only for salvation but it is also sufficient for leading us in raising sons worthy of marring our daughters and daughters worthy to marry our sons.

I asked my sons the other day if they were the type of men that would be worthy husbands for their sister. Once the initial sounds of laughter ceased they got the point and that is we are not simply to be vigilant in raising daughters to marry in the Lord and in helping to find them worthy husbands. We are to also raise sons worthy of marrying when the time arises.

Again reading Voddie's new book is for any father whether you have daughters sons or both. Read this book with a heart to see what God says about marriage and preparing our children for marriage. There may be, depending where you presently stand with regards to dating and courtship and the like, things that are uncomfortable but I would pray you would take from this book that the future of our sons and daughters are to be important to us and that often times this may mean difficult decisions need to be made for their good. If we rely on God and His principles instead of the world's manner of things our families will be healthy and more God glorifying and they will then produce healthy and God glorifying families.
39 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More than. . . March 10 2009
By Shonya Klein - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This book is more than you think. It is more than a 'check list' of what a man must be. It is more than a 'how to find a suitable husband' for yourself or your daughter.

This book inspires me to be a better parent, to be more diligent in training both my sons and my daughters, and will inspire men to be better men, better husbands, better fathers. And that is not what I anticipated.

Baucham does not leave us with an unattainable and unclear list which frustrates us and makes us feel there is no hope. He delves, quite more than I expected, into the Word, history, theology, and examples from christian heroes of the past in order to thoroughly explain what a man must be and WHY. A list would be easier to read. A list would be easier to post as a legalistic, graceless disqualifier of the young men you know. But Baucham's purpose clearly is not the above; this book challenges the reader to raise standards to God's standards rather than settling for the cultural norm and inspires the reader to teach and disciple young men to meet those standards.

This book is not as 'easy to read' as the author's previous book, Family Driven Faith, but it is well worth the extra effort. It is well-written, the author is certainly a wordsmith, but the reader's mind will need to be fully engaged in order to grasp the depth of the message being presented. The message of the book is more than what a man must be if he wants to marry my daughter, as the title implies.

I highly recommend this book. You will receive pleasantly more than you expected.
37 of 40 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This Book has a Wide Audience March 4 2009
By Berean Wife - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
First of all when I first saw the title my initial thought was this was a book about courtship and what to look for in a spouse for your daughter. However, after reading this book there is a much wider audience.

~ What to look for in a spouse for your daughter.

~ Helping your daughter determine what to look for.

~ How to raise your sons to be prepared to lead their families.

~ Direction and guidance for husbands and fathers in leading their families.

Many of this will be new information to those who have even grown up in the typical church. I grew up in Southern Baptist Churches all my life. All I remember hearing that fathers should be doing is to have their children in church - Sunday School, VBS, missions, etc.
18 of 20 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for every Christian father! March 14 2009
By Shaun Tabatt - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
Ask Voddie Baucham how to best prepare for leadership and ministry and he may tell you to get married and have children. You may be wondering what that has to do with helping your daughter choose a suitor. The answer is that it has everything to do with helping your daughter choose a suitor. This book is directed at Christian parents, especially fathers. As followers of Christ it is the father's duty to lead and minister in his own home first. If you aren't sure what this looks like, you may want to consider for yourself the qualities Voddie suggests we should be looking for in our daughter's future husband and instilling in our sons who will most likely be husbands themselves some day.

The first part of the book lays the groundwork for the vision and thought behind these counter-cultural ideas. Chapter one expresses the need for fathers to have a Christ-centered multigenerational vision that extends to the children, grandchildren and beyond. Chapter two describes marriage as a ministry, explaining how marriage is a fertile training ground for future church leaders as the Christian marriage illustrates the relationship of Christ and the church to a lost and hurting world. Chapter three explains a father's role as he exercises gospel patriarchy.

Chapters four through eight lay out the qualities we should be looking for in our daughter's potential suitors and instilling in our own sons. They are as follows:

* He must be a follower of Christ (chapter 4)
* He must be prepared to lead (chapter 5)
* He must lead like Christ (chapter 6)
* He must be committed to children (chapter 7)
* He must be a protector (chapter 8)
o He must be a man of personal holiness
o He must be a man of true gentleness
o He must be a man of great resolve
o He must be a man of genuine compassion
o He must be a man of true bravery
* He must be a provider (chapter 8)
o He must have a job
o He must have a work ethic
o He must have a plan
* He must be a prophet / priest (chapter 8)
o A man must pray with and for his family
o A man must preach to his family

Chapter nine discusses the importance of protecting our daughter's purity, heart, focus, future spouse, and hope. Chapter ten talks about the importance of raising our own sons to be Godly men and describes how our influence as fathers will influence our daughter's choice of potential suitors. The conclusion offers some thoughts on the issue of ethnicity in relation to marriage and children.

If you're a father, I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy of What He Must Be ...if he wants to marry my daughter. At the very least, I hope it will show you that you don't have to accept the cultural norms when it comes to preparing your daughters and sons for marriage. God has called us to something much larger and we should seize it and move forward with all our might.

Voddie Baucham Jr. is a pastor, conference speaker, and Bible teacher. He is a graduate of Southwestern and Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminaries and has also studied at the University of Oxford. Baucham is the author of The Ever-Loving Truth, the Telly Award-winning Ever-Loving Truth Bible study curriculum, and Family Driven Faith. He and his wife, Bridget have five children. Learn more about Voddie Baucham Jr. and his ministry at [familydrivenfaith.org] and [voddiebaucham.org].
13 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for any dad June 3 2010
By Joshua Reich - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
Last week I read Voddie Baucham's book What He must be...if he Wants to Marry my Daughter. I read it for a few reasons. One, it went with my last sermon in our series on the book of Nehemiah. Two, it was one of the books I wanted to read for our series in July The Perfect Kid. Three, the idea of Ava getting married one day scares me to death. I think I'm scared for a few reasons: I remember what I was like in high school and college and I don't want that guy anywhere near my daughter, and I have never seen parents actual do this well.

What Voddie points out and I have to agree from experience. Parents are more involved with their daughter's choice of college than they are in her choice of a husband. Which one is more important? The answer is obvious, but we let daughters go it alone.

After reading the book, I am actually excited about the role and responsibility that God has given me as a father in raising sons worth marrying and helping Ava navigate the arena of choosing a husband. I love the one chapter title, "Don't send a woman to do a man's job." His point is that we allow and expect our daughters to do what God has called fathers to do.

Voddie walks through how to help your daughter find a man worth marrying. Just because "he is a anatomical man, and a Christian does not make him worth marrying." Wow. He also walks through how to raise sons worth marrying.

The application of this book is huge. For parents, what plan do you have to help your daughter know what to do, how to choose a husband, what criteria will uphold, what things will you highlight as things worth going after and what qualities will you show as not worth it. How will you raise your sons? Ironically, this was a huge part of the book because the church and our culture have no idea how to raise boys to become men. We do everything in our power to make men into women and then wonder why there are no men. Not chauvinistic, power hungry pigs, but men. Not boys who live at home, play video games and aren't sure if they want to get married before turning 30, but men.

This also would be helpful for single men to read to see what they should be striving for as a Godly man and for single women to get an idea of what you should be looking for in a Godly man. The criteria needs to be more than breathing and a Christian. Otherwise, "you get what you pay for" as the saying goes.

Before reading this book, my plan was to talk with Ava and pray. After reading this book, I see how important my role is and how active I am supposed to be in training and teaching her about what she should look for and helping her see blind spots. Think about it. Most men ask a girl's father for a girl's hand in marriage. But how many father's actually know enough about the man to say yes or no? I will know enough to say yes or no.

For more, check out [...].
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