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Product Description
From Publishers Weekly
This insightful book offers a user-friendly look at how a "good man"-"a man with fundamentally positive values who cares about his kids and his partner"-can often display bad behavior, including everything from sarcasm or criticism to nastiness, coldness and other kinds of destructive emotional withdrawal. Wexler, executive director of the Relationship Training Institute in San Diego, roots his analysis in the self-psychology theory of the "mirroring self-object," the idea that all children in their development need "validation and acknowledgement from parental figures" who mirror back to them a sense of competence and appreciation. The bulk of the book wonderfully describes the ways that many men, as adults, "are always looking to some outside source of approval or recognition" as a way to resolve feelings of shame caused by an arrested internal sense of confidence and competence. The book's success also hinges on two further analytical strategies by Wexler. First, while he gives a convincing look at how a man's "reliance on women for validation" can lead to feeling emotionally out of control, Wexler never descends to placing any sort of sexist blame on moms or wives; he makes it clear that the power that women seem to have over men "is not a power that women have signed up for in the relationship contract" and that female children are equally harmed by the lack of a mirroring self-object. Second, Wexler provides numerous concrete examples of how men can identify and understand the emotional states that trigger relationship problems, as well as many ways that fathers can help establish a son's home life as "a shame-free zone."
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"David Wexler adroitly addresses a central problem in male-female relationships, namely the male propensity for emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, humiliation, intimidation, emotional blow-ups, and infidelity. Wonderfully empathic with men's experiences, When Good Men Behave Badly helps men who do not wish to behave badly develop the needed emotional skills. This book will open men's minds and hearts to a very different way to approach male-female relationships."
--Ronald F. Levant, Ed.D., ABPP, Co-Editor of "A New Psychology of Men"
Inside This Book
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First Sentence
In Russell Banks's 1989 novel, Affliction, Wade Whitehouse plans a special Halloween weekend with his eleven-year-old daughter, Jill, who lives with her mother (Wade's ex-wife, Lilian). Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt
In Russell Banks's 1989 novel, Affliction, Wade Whitehouse plans a special Halloween weekend with his eleven-year-old daughter, Jill, who lives with her mother (Wade's ex-wife, Lilian). Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt
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Most helpful customer reviews
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Required Reading for Couples Troubled by Man's Behaviour,
By A Customer
This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)
I knew I would love this book when the opening paragraph referred to a novel by Russell Banks, a novelist who writes with sensitivity and compassion for the male world. As a wife, I was heartbroken by my husband's affair. He accused me of being "controlling" - yet could not cite a single instance of my controlling behaviour or explain what he meant. He had a classic mid-life crisis. This book explains it all: the male experience, the emotional handicaps, the bewildering treatment.All couples grappling with troubled relationships should read it. Great advice for raising boys is included.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Men Will "Get"This Book!,
By Janice Horowitz, MSW (Woodbridge, Ct USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)
Dr. Wexler has done something in this book that has the potential to make a lasting difference in male/female relationships. He has given us a simple language and a bright new understanding of how couples with good intentions derail...best of all, both men and women can relate to it and apply it. This is not the 'same old, same old' communication formulations that women get but men are confused and put off by. Men will "get" this book. I wish it had been available when I was doing couples therapy...I would have made it "required" reading.
Share your thoughts with other customers: Create your own review
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta) Amazon.com:
3.8 out of 5 stars (10 customer reviews) 26 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Required Reading for Couples Troubled by Man's Behaviour,
By A Customer - Published on Amazon.com
This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)
I knew I would love this book when the opening paragraph referred to a novel by Russell Banks, a novelist who writes with sensitivity and compassion for the male world. As a wife, I was heartbroken by my husband's affair. He accused me of being "controlling" - yet could not cite a single instance of my controlling behaviour or explain what he meant. He had a classic mid-life crisis. This book explains it all: the male experience, the emotional handicaps, the bewildering treatment.All couples grappling with troubled relationships should read it. Great advice for raising boys is included. 24 of 26 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Men Will "Get"This Book!,
By Janice Horowitz, MSW - Published on Amazon.com
This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)
Dr. Wexler has done something in this book that has the potential to make a lasting difference in male/female relationships. He has given us a simple language and a bright new understanding of how couples with good intentions derail...best of all, both men and women can relate to it and apply it. This is not the 'same old, same old' communication formulations that women get but men are confused and put off by. Men will "get" this book. I wish it had been available when I was doing couples therapy...I would have made it "required" reading.
13 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
An Excellent Way to Help You and Your Partner Ovecome Abuse,
By Dr Lisa Love "DoctorLisaLove.com" - Published on Amazon.com
This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)
This book is written by one of the best therapists in the field, Dr. David Wexler. I have at times confronted and dealt with abusive behavior both in my role as a therapist, and personally in my own life. I have read numerous books on abuse and can say that this one is especially good for men to read who have subjected the people they care about to both verbal and physical abuse. Dr. Wexler understands men in a very deep way and in this book he gives them both straight and compassionate talk. And, he is an excellent couples counselor. This book helps men understand why they resort to these behaviors. Better yet, he shows them how to stop. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret
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