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Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman [Paperback]

Lisa Scottoline
3.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1 customer review)
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Book Description

Oct. 12 2010

This one’s for you, extraordinary ordinary women everywhere! It’s time for seriously hilarious girl-talk with New York Times bestselling author Lisa Scottoline. She’s shared this collection of scenes from her real life, and she bets her life sounds a lot like yours . . . if you crave carbs, can’t find jeans that fit, and still believe that these two things are unrelated. Pick up this book—you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll swear off pantyhose. Here are some examples of Lisa’s wit and wisdom:

“Everybody has their pornography, and mine is the real estate ads.”

“We’ll get universal health care before we get beauty salons open on Mondays, and that’s backwards. Ask any woman if she’d rather have a haircut or a mammogram, and you’ll see what I mean.”

“Mothers are a natural force, and maybe an alternative source of fuel.”

“Lately there’s been talk about a religion that allows polygamy, so that a man can have as many wives as he pleases. Where is the religion that allows a woman to have as many husbands as she pleases?”

“I have never been in an accident, if you don’t count my two marriages.”

“My mother taught us that if you eat baked beans from a can that has dents, you’ll die of botulism. This was before people injected botulism into their faces. Nowadays, the dented can will kill you, but you’ll look young.”

Inspired by her wildly popular column in The Philadelphia Inquirer entitled “Chick Wit,” Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog is a book you’ll have to put down—just to stop laughing.


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Review

“Scottoline savors every last bit of her life, and so will you.”—People magazine

“Plunging into home improvement frenzy, constructing a chicken coop, figuring out mystifying insurance policies and how not to die at the gym are some of the conundrums this ordinary woman faces with verve and wicked humor, especially how her beloved dogs have contentedly replaced the romance in her life.”—Publishers Weekly

“Scottoline takes the fodder of everyday life and offers witty reflections from a female perspective.”—Booklist

“…shrewd, tart, sensitive and hard to resist.”—Kirkus Reviews

“She has compiled about 70 of the funniest, smartest and most poignant dispatches into one deliciously exuberant collection. What really makes this collection so addictive is Scottoline's way of capturing everyday moments, dissecting them and coming up with unexpected and slightly off-kilter observations about life."—Book Page

About the Author

Lisa Scottoline is the New York Times bestselling author of novels including Look Again, Lady Killer, Think Twice, Save Me and Everywhere That Mary Went. She also writes a weekly column, “Chick Wit,” with her daughter Francesca Serritella, for The Philadelphia Inquirer. The columns have been collected in My Nest Isn’t Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space. She has won an Edgar® Award and Cosmopolitan magazine’s “Fun Fearless Fiction” Award, and she is the president of Mystery Writers of America. She teaches a course on justice and fiction at the University of Pennsylvania Law School, her alma mater. She lives in the Philadelphia area.

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Most helpful customer reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars Why my 3rd husband Jan. 15 2014
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
The book is somewhat entertaining but not what expected. I do not appreciate being told how many words I must write.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.3 out of 5 stars  183 reviews
40 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Laugh at Life Oct. 7 2009
By W. Easley - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover|Vine Customer Review of Free Product
I do not understand women. What man does? Lisa Scottoline writes about women from a woman's view. I think this book is insightful and funny. Women, I am certain, will probably understand references that leave me scratching my head. When she talks about being braless, for example, I get an image she probably did not intend.

Lisa Scottoline's new book is often hilarious, like when she writes about Spanx ("like slipping into a tourniquet"). Lisa, who wrote sixteen novels, also penned a regular newspaper column about the lives of ordinary women. Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog edits and re-presents her columns.

Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog, details events common to the lives of ordinary women. We relive incidents like: choosing which bacteria to accept, the art of reading ads, and lessons learned from Archie comic books. We see a new perspective on hot flashes, which are really "God's way of compensating women for all the years they spent being cold." Then we contemplate washing our face with diamond dust (it exfoliates the skin - but wash it off or your "face will be sparkly").

Two sections I especially enjoyed were the concept of a new religion where a wife can have as many husbands as she wishes, and a chore list where men can exchange "have a baby" with "take out the trash". The idea of men bearing the children is interesting at best and horrible to contemplate at worst.

I highly recommend this book for regular comedy breaks. The chapters are very short, so you can read a chapter during a 5 minute coffee break and take the laugh back with you to work. I especially recommend this book to women and hope someday a woman will explain the parts that passed me by.
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Lisa Scottoline, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog Nov. 5 2009
By Michael G. Lustig - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover|Vine Customer Review of Free Product
Most of the brief essays in this book appeared in the column the author writes for the The Philadelphia Inquirer, presumably in order of publication. I found the book perfect for reading before bedtime. It is amusing and carries no significant message except to enjoy life and one's family. Scottoline's love of family is apparent on every page and cause for humor as she describes her relationships with her mother, brother, and daughter. As a change of pace, the latter has also contributed a few of the essays, giving a multi-generational view of life. Fortunately for pet lovers, Scottoline's family includes various animals, such as her dogs, cats, chickens, and a pony. Their antics are a source of amusement and their trials and tribulations tear at the heart strings. This is light reading but should certainly appeal to those who have struggled with the generation gap or are past the first blush of youth. It should also appeal to pet lovers, parents of grown children, and anyone looking for a bit of laughter at the end of the day.
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A WRITER'S ORDINARY LIFE, TOLD WITH EXTRAORDINARY WIT Nov. 20 2009
By Laurel-Rain Snow - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover|Vine Customer Review of Free Product
In Scottoline's collection of essays, excerpted from her "Philadelphia Inquirer" columns, we follow her adventures through the minefields of motherhood, love, men, and Spanx. Yes, that's what I said. Her hilariously funny take on those particular garments, as well as other aspects of "middle-aged" life, had me laughing all the way to the last chapter.

Her views on finances, food, pets vs. men, and how the mother-daughter relationship shifts over the years are so relatable that I couldn't stop reading.

I especially enjoyed her perspective on resolutions. She has what she calls "unresolutions," which are simply things you're already doing that you don't want to change, like: "UnResolution Number One. I sleep in my clothes, and I resolve to keep sleeping in my clothes. I know this sounds weird, and it helps that my clothes are fleece pants and a fleece top, because I work at home..."

Then there's her chapter on "Things to Do." She describes it this way: "To explain, I let my Things to Do pile up because when I'm in the final draft of a book, I do nothing else. I let everything go, including my roots. You don't want to see me with final-draft roots. It looks like my hair got caught in a forest fire, leaving behind burnt trunks and a very single woman."

Then in the beginning of her chapter on "Bail-Outs," she describes how, with Thanksgiving just around the corner, we look for the people in our lives for whom we're thankful...and then she describes a rainy day when she was searching for an address, becoming more and more confused when she couldn't find the number which seemed nonexistent, and then a stranger appeared. Someone who handed her an umbrella and proceeded to look for and discover that the "out-of-order" address number was just down the street, and she realized that she was suddenly thankful for the kindness of a complete stranger who went out of his way to help her.

Full of gems of wisdom, quirkiness, and down-to-earth anecdotes that fill ordinary lives and make us smile, Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman is a book that I know I'll reread often, just so I can laugh. And relate to one of my favorite authors who seems to be just like you and me.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Maybe the dog isn't willing...... Feb. 16 2010
By The Straw Man - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Audio CD|Vine Customer Review of Free Product
I am not sure what made me get this product. I have never really listened to books on tape (or CD in this case), but this book seemed rather interesting. I have to say that my response to this product is a bit mixed. This book on CD is also read by the author Lisa Scottoline. Scottoline who is better known for her legal thrillers (works of fiction). I have never read any of her novels, so my review of this book and Scottoline is purely based off this "book on CD".

This book isn't a legal thriller or a work of fiction. Rather it is Scottoline speaking about myriad parts of her life; her family, her pets, moments in her life, past relationships and her views and/or wisdom on certain aspects of life. Since she reads the book, I found her voice to be both pleasant and annoying at the same time. How, I don't know.

Some of her stories were very endearing, such as her devotion to her pets. She speaks about when one of her dogs passed away, after owning the dog for many years. I recently had to put my cat asleep that was 20 years old, so I could relate. In addition, Scottoline speaks of her devotion to her family, especially her daughter Francesca.

Speaking of Francesca, she actually chimes in and reads parts of this book. I found her insight rather interesting and refreshing. Francesca, at the time of this book, is 21. Her voice is very pleasant and her viewpoint a nice contrast from that of her mother.

As for Scottoline, I found her subtle sexist remarks made during the course of this novel rather vexing. She refers to her first and second husbands as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2", respectably. Now at face value this is sort of cute. Yet I felt that this disdain for her ex-husbands bled over to all men. Don't get me wrong, men and women all fall victim of sexist views from time to time. These heuristics can be beneficial, but in the long run this type of thinking will only bring frustration. It has also been my experience that when a person dates/marries a person who is less than satisfactory. It is a reflection on the person themselves. Now take that one step further, if these same "issues" keep popping up with the selection of "mates". Maybe the problem is with the person who is doing the "selecting".

I am a huge fan of non sequitur humor. There is quite a bit in this book and at times it is very funny. Then at times it is really annoying. A perfect example is when Scottoline goes on, for a long time, about how she and her friend love to interrupt one and other. Perhaps this book isn't designed for my type of demographic. I always found myself a fan of the feminine work and/or art form. Yet I felt more irked than entertained while listening to this book. I wonder if her legal thrillers are any better?
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliantly funny!!! Oct. 9 2009
By critters - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover|Vine Customer Review of Free Product
This book is brilliantly funny, not only from "women's perspective," but also for critter-people. I'd thought to quote a couple of my favorite lines, but practically every page added more to my favorites! Needless to say, my sister, who is literally up to #3 too, will be getting a copy of this for Christmas!!!
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