Wild Wild Planet [Import]

[THE WILD, WILD PLANET - (1965) - Widescreen presentation - directed by Anthony Dawson (real name - Antonio Margheriti)] Hey kids, it's time for a rerun of a late 60's Saturday morning campy cult 'classic' sci-fi flick. Only this go-around, there's no goofy host, no cartoons sandwiched between movie segments, no commercials for Wonder Bread ("Fortified with vitamins and iron and guaranteed to build strong bones and healthy teeth") or sickeningly-sweet cereals ("Can't get enough of those 'Sugar Crisps'..."). AND it's in widescreen AND vibrant Technicolor AND hasn't been edited with a tilesaw - so I ask you, what else could you want? A good movie? Jeez, some folks are almost impossible to please...

If you're even vaguely familiar with science fiction flix from the 50's and 60's, you know most of them are bad beyond belief, though there were a hefty handful that were truly impressive, enjoyable and still hold up well today. But we're not currently addressing those; we're acknowledging the pervading bulk of the clunkers here, and glorifying a few others. Some were entirely without merit of any sort, some so irredeemably bad we're ashamed of ourselves afterwards, and some sooo bad they're actually good on a 'guilty pleasure' scale in sore need of calibration. And then there's a short list of transcendent films that have somehow elevated themselves (with our assistance, of course) to dizzying new heights of enjoyable entertainment we can be (almost) proud of. Well, this flick isn't one of those either, but it is nonetheless deserving of mention among the annals of cheerfully cheesy psychedelic sci-fi cinema. Maybe 'cause there aren't many entries in this category, maybe 'cause I have a genetic weakness for 60's psych in all its incarnations, maybe even 'cause it actually has merits of its own. Then again, to some, maybe not, but I believe that most blossoming freaks who were growing up in the 60's will look upon this one with frivolous, fetish-like fondness. The only others who might find it rewarding are the MST3K crowd, but it's so much more than a flick to make fun of, it's a film to have fun with. But no one who doesn't fall into the aforementioned columns A or B should be watching these films at all - ever.

At Gamma One, a space research facility, bizarre experiments are undertaken - tissue grafts, transplants, shrunken organs, flesh-fusions, mutations and the quest for the Perfect Man and Woman ("I'm satisfied with them the way they are", decries one newly-arrived Commander, who looks like he doesn't get much 'tang - you decide which type I'm referring to). The Commander gets a facility tour from the overtly clichéd power-crazed scientist prevalent in 100 flix like these, so we know he's up to no damned good, but there's a slew of scantily clad babes with skyscraper hairdos and exaggerated eye makeup who are martial art masters garbed in silk nighties, so it's worth sticking around for. The women toss each other around exposing all the bits we're keen to see - besides, it's much cleaner than mud or jello-wrestling. The head honcho here is Eurobabe Lisa Gastoni ('Come Play With Me' - read my review), a stellar slice of space splendor who the mad doctor has the hots for. And his plans for her are lovingly heinous indeed. The rest of the plot's in the product details in Amazon's listing, so there's no need to rehash.

Now there's a cornucopia of kitschy cosmic camp looming large here - everything's awash in Bava-esque colors, great miniature sets of this futuristic space metropolis that are hokey but admirably well-crafted and imaginative, bald four-armed androids dressed in black with wrap-around shades, futuristic cars, astronauts dangling from visible wires as they spacewalk, shrunken 'people' in suitcases and fancy fish tanks, laser-ray girls in garish cloaks who dance for no apparent reason, a cool dungeon of failed experiments comprised of zombie-like mutations, insane dialogue to laugh at and more weird women to drink in - and drinking while watching's not a bad idea either. Remember, in space no one can hear you scream. Or laugh out loud. Revel in the well-intentioned astro-absurdities on display and Anthony Dawson's skilled camera eye and you'll have a blast as I did. Any attempt to reconcile the foolhardiness is foolish times ten. Approached properly, by the time the film's exciting ending arrives you'll be converted by the head trip experiments on 'The Wild, Wild Planet'.

Think of this as a 60's updated take on 'The Queen of Outer Space' meets Bava's 'Planet of the Vampires', throw in a jigger of 'Alphaville' and viola, you have a mod martini of psilocybin-infused psychedelic sci-fi. In fact, watching all four of these flicks back to back might be just the jolt you need to come down from the bad acid of all that CGI crap you've been ingesting lately...give it some thought.

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The Wild, Wild Planet (I criminali della galassia) (1965)

Synopsis:
The commander of an orbiting space station is recruited to become the chief of a special task force leading terrestrial authorities in the hunt for who or whatever is responsible for the mysterious disappearances of people on a daily basis that's growing exponentially. (Did I mention space chicks play a big role?)

Review:
Listen up helium head. Yes friends, the depiction of your cranium filled with an inert gas is what passes for putting down one of your friends in jest in this very bleak and boring picture of our future. In this one, our future looks like something inspired by Lego and Meccano but without all the fancy bits. We are supposed to be wooed by the introduction of some crappie looking monorail thing that's essentially just a Chinook helicopter model with the rotors removed and suspended on a wire. What wonders await us?

We start off in orbit around the earth on the standard sci-fi spinning doughnut space station where our hero Cmdr Mike Halstead is putting up with an annoying scientist Mr. Nurmi conducting medical experiments by growing human organs. Nurmi is a solid knob easily rating 9.5 on the updated Richter Knob scale. This guy's mad scientist ego would make Marry Shelly shake her head a few times, and she invented the best. When you're on some other guy's space station it isn't advisable to hit on his woman, but Nurmi can't help himself when he catches a glimpse of Lt. Connie Gomez. He wants to get together with her real bad, but not in the way you might think; more creepiness later.

Eventually Mike will have to rescue her from Nurmi, but in the meantime he is sent to Earth so he can head up a special task force charged with discovering why people keep going missing. It's quite comical. Incredibly great looking models wander around with dorky looking guys with black capes and ball caps and abducting people by shrinking them down to doll size for transport. It kind of makes sense in the end if only because the close ups are so comical and at one point they rescue a guy when he's only half shrunk. Even in the Italian version of Hollywood there is no shortage of jobs for dwarfs.
I'll spare you the ridiculous chase scene where the cars look like bicycles with kayaks mounted on them, or the idiotic rescue of the Cmdr by flying machines functioning in a way best described as YoYo drive. Skipping right to the end we learn Nurmi has a plan for him and Connie involving more than just sharing a few tender moments. His intention is the grafting of their two bodies together in a hermaphroditic union creating a super being, or a novelty act. Either way it's not a good thing but Mike manages to stop him just in time. Man I hope they make a remake of this one. A slight adjustment to the ending and we would get to hear Arnold say, "Hey Nurmi. Go F@#% Yourself!" Cinema the art form at its best.

Lessons Learned:
Space Stations have the coolest discos with real starlight.
Lasers and blowtorches look and work very similar in the future.
It's better than waking up in a motel bathtub packed with ice and missing a kidney.
Even in the future airport scanners can pick up the little people in your carry-on.
How much to have something enlarged?
Experimental dance/theatre is just as dumb and boring in the future as it is now.
How the hell did Star Trek happen after these idiots?

After the success of a trio of Italian Gothic Horror films and two Sci-Fi space operas( two starring Barbara Steele: 'CASTLE OF BLOOD' aka 'LA DANZA MACABRA'-1964 and 'THE LONG HAIR OF DEATH' aka 'I LUNGHI CAPELLI DELLA MORTE'- 1964 ,one with Christopher Lee 'THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG' aka 'HORROR CASTLE' aka 'LA VERGINE DI NORIMBERGA'- 1965) , 'ASSIGNMENT OUTER SPACE' aka 'SPAZZIO UOMINI'-1960 and 'BATTLE OF THE WORLDS' aka 'IL PIANETA DEGLI UOMINI SPENTI'-1961 with one of the last performances by actor Claude Rains), Director Antonio Margheriti aka Anthony Dawson was approached by American International Pictures to direct four films for American Television also to be released theatrically. Three of the films were funded by MGM and all were shot simultaneously over a 12 week period utilizing different actors. This one 'WILD, WILD PLANET' aka 'I CRIMINALI DELLA GALASSIA'- 1965 was the first released and, no pun intended, the wildest. It shows how the Italians embraced (and exploited) many genres into the same film as here we have a combination of Sci-Fi, Horror, and Espionage elements all rolled into one. As my other partner in crime- the 4 legged defender- has given a detailed synopsis of the party, it shows how the Europeans pre-dated many popular films to come including Director Stanley Kubrick's '2001- A SPACE ODYSSEY'-1968 , Director Roger Vadim's 'BARBARELLA'-1968 and Director Mario Bava's 'PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES' aka 'TERRORE NELLO SPAZIO'- 1965 with the use of intricate model work, colorful futuristic sets exploited in the later 'AUSTIN POWERS' trilogy and excellent camerawork by Margheriti's chief cinematographer Riccardo Pallottini. It is given a fitting hommage in Director Roman Coppola's underrated masterpiece 'CQ'-2002 reveling in Sixties European filmmaking. The supporting cast is much better than the main ones: the great Massimo Serato as a mad-as-a march-hare scientist; Carlo Giustini who would later work with Directors Federico Fellini and Dario Argento; Franco Ressel, and a very young Franco Nero before hitting pay dirt with Director Sergio Corbucci's 'DJANGO'- 1966 and going onto world wide fame in Director Joshua Logan's 'CAMELOT'-1967 as Lancelot. Tony Russell and Lisa Gastoni would show up in the next one 'WAR OF THE PLANETS' aka 'I DIAFANOIDI VENGONO DA MARTE' -1965 and are adequate in their roles. The music score is by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino who does all of them and you'll also spot future notorious Director Ruggero Deodato as Assistant Director in the credits. Warner Archive releases it in a gorgeous 1.85 transfer and has the other MGM titles 'WAR OF THE PLANETS' and 'SNOW DEVILS' aka 'LA MORTE VIENE DAL PIANETA AYTIN'-1965 released as well. The fourth ,'PLANET ON THE PROWL' aka 'MISSIONE PIANETA ERRANTE'- 1966 has yet to see a digital release. So if you like your Sci-Fi peppered with dwarves, body parts, and great model work, click the add to cart button and revel in the nostalgic experience of 'WILD,WILD PLANET'.