Zeta One

I have just read the last review of this movie.

How right you are.

I wrote a very funny script. I filmed a very funny movie. It was Monty Python before anybody had heard of them.

The real plot was simple. Angva, a planet inhabited by only females was dying out. The Queen ( Zeta ) sent three girls to find a handsome stud so the stock on the planet could be replenished.

The girls tried to find James Bond and kidnap him as the stud for Angva. They however got confused and waylayed a two bit detective call James Word as somebody convinced them that a Word was as good as a Bond.

Yes the film is everythng the last reviewer says.

I wrote and Directed a film, which is not on the DVD. The producer had no sense of absurd humour and refilmed many scenes. The secretary is a girl I ave never seen before and replaced an excellent comedy actress. I think the produce met her on a trip to Stockholm and had to honour his committment tro a part in a movie for her.

The girls had dynamic jump suits and the fight scenes were very well choreographed. However the Producer went and filmed them all again naked but uneditable. The detective James word had an old Austin 7 and the wheels kept falling off. Producer refilmed with Aston Martin.

The main problem, the Producer cut out half the dialogue. I had designed the movie to display thought bubbles, as in strip cartoons. Consequently the dialogue is stilted to allow for these extra dialogue balloons to be read. This is especally noticable in the strip poker scene, where what they were saying in their minds was hilaros, but cut out because the producer did not want to waste money on them after all the rest of movie had been shot.

I would also like to know who is selling these DVD as I have never had any money for the movie. Theotreically the movies is now mine and i should be a rich man. The producer never paid me. I am however giving after dinner speaches on how to film badly and make the worst movie ever.

Have a look at my other stuff, I have made over 3000 Television shows in my life. Too long to list here,

Michael Cort Director

PS If I can find out where the footage of Zeta One is I would re-edit the movie into a humdinger and make a new producer a fortune.

I paid special attention to the end credits of this film, fully expecting to see a formal apology by everyone associated with the making of this indescribably bad film. It is bad enough that this film was actually made, but now a company called Salvation has made this one of the first two releases of its Jezebel lineup of DVDs. Don't let the presence of scantily clad and topless women fool you - Zeta One is an abysmal film. I don't know who the looker on the box cover is - no one this attractive can be found in the film. This 1969 British film is supposedly kitschy, whatever that really means; from what I can tell, it means embarrassingly ridiculous.

If you read the summary of the film, you will be wondering if you were sent the wrong movie as you watch the opening third of the movie. This may be the most boring twenty-five minutes ever caught on film; even the big strip poker scene is mind-numbingly tedious. Worst of all, we have to spend so much time with the film's main character James Word. I would not even insult James Bond by calling James Word a poor spoof of the man. Word is a spy of some sort who spends most of his time in bed. This is made possible by strange women who magically appear in his apartment from out of the blue. Girl number one is his boss' secretary, which allows her to see through Worth's "brilliant" fake moustache disguise; she pumps him for information about his latest mission, but he has other things on his mind. Did I mention the fact that Worth is a pitiful, rather slimy specimen of manhood? Anyway, Worth eventually opens up and tells girl number one this incredible story about a race of superwomen and the master criminal who tried to conquer them.

Yes, a Major Bourdon and his bespectacled dweeb of an assistant Mr. Swyne have learned of the existence of a race of superwomen who live - well, no one really knows where they live; we do know they kidnap selected Earth women in order to brainwash them and make them a part of their female-only society. Major Bourdon is determined to get to the bottom of this for some reason that is never explained. Luckily for him, the Zeta women (Zeta is the name of their leader; I could never understand the name they were given in the film) all dress in identical mini-dresses and go-go boots, making it easy to follow them. (The mini-dresses and go-go boots are pretty much all this film has going for it.) Swyne learns that a certain stripper (actually, none other than the "Queen of the G-strings") is to be the next kidnapped girl, and Bourdon puts his plan in motion of discovering how (and where) to conquer these alien women. It all goes downhill from here. I won't describe the silly information we learn about the mysterious Amazon-like women's society or Word's proclivity for bedding every strange woman that appears from out of nowhere in his bedroom. Word does finally drag himself out of bed toward the end of the film, but he soon returns to the only place he seems to care about. Don't worry too much about the alien women; they have a Plan 69 for anything, it seems. You won't believe the weapon these girls use on silly human men, but you will see the absolutely predictable ending coming from a mile away.

Truly, Zeta One (aka Alien Women) is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. You can have a lot of fun with this film if you make a big party out of it and settle in with a bunch of friends to watch what is the ultimate embodiment of cinematic silliness; apparently, this film exists only for the purpose of being laughed at. Keep a special eye out for the big and absolutely ridiculous "elevator" scene.

Secret Agent James Word (I guess his word is his bond) has just returned from a mission. He is met by his superior's assistant (his superior is UU (Double-U like an upside down M)). She plays coy and sexy but really just wants the details of his mission. During breaks in apparent intimacy he recounts his tale.

He has been investigating a Major Bourdin who has been have a series of run ins with a mysterious force of women. They are led by Zeta and have the ability to teleport. It is unknown if they are from space, the future or another dimension, but they have set up a colony of women. They add to the colony through kidnaping and brainwashing.

The film appears to have made no attempt at being erotic (check out the strip poker scene as an example) and the plotting is wooden (although some of the actual acting is quite good).

In the end we learn what the secretary is really up to and the final fate of James. I have to say that I enjoyed it more than I thought I would based on the other reviews.