Against Love: A Polemic (Paperback)

The author finds that passion and attraction, those things that make courtships so exhilarating and that are considered to be core elements of marriages, disappear rather quickly. Frequently, what remains are relationships bubbling with rancor that have become deadened. All manner of surveillance of the marital partner is used to squash any possibility of infidelity. Large doses of blame are doled out because of perceived failures to attend to, and even anticipate, the psychological and emotional needs of the partner. The reactions are withdrawal, subservience, or hostility. Among the counselor community this state of affairs may need adjustment, but is regarded as basically normal. The author derides the notion that this state of affairs is in any way normal and all that is needed is "hard work" to increase marital harmony.

The author compares the control regime and lowered expectations of marriages with workplace environments and even citizenship. In an era of economic dislocation, the admonition to work harder is hardly liberating. Rebels, meaning those who actually attempt to grasp for more and counter established authority, are dealt with harshly. This is the context in which the author places adultery. When passion suddenly appears, many will take large risks to escape marital suffocation. The author, well aware of the risks, does not advocate adultery, but does find it to be far more than a spur-of-the-moment whim.

The book is witty and unfortunately captures the reality of many, if not most, marriages. It is a valid criticism to say that the book is one-sided; however, the author does acknowledge that some marriages manage to escape the strangulation syndrome. The writing style is a little difficult, but not impossible. It is pretty hilarious to see some reviewers so offended by the book; if the institution of marriage is so strong, surely it can take hits from critics.

Catherine Texier wrote a book about divorce ("Breakup") which was supposed to blame her husband but ends up completely validating his reasons for leaving her.

And Laura Kipnis has written "Against Love" which is not so much 'a polemic against love' as a long whiney justification for behaving like a ten-year-old. Her much-vaunted list of "things you cannot do if you're married" reads like a list of pre-teen temper tantrums: leaving dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, hair in the drain, etc. These have nothing to do with love or marriage, and everything to do with being grown up.

Some authors spend years researching the lives of a historical figure in minute detail before writing the definitive biography. The reader of such a tome benefits from the author's hard work by learning something that she otherwise wouldn't.

From Kipnis's book I learned nothing -- except that I'd cross the street to avoid meeting her on the sidewalk.