Most helpful customer reviews
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Will open your eyes to a world you never knew existed, Jul 30 2003
This is a well written book about male depression, filled with case studies that the author has overseen throughout his years as a psychotherapist. The style of prose is easy to read and the book avoids technical jargon. A distinction is made between covert (or hidden) depression and overt depression - the type which is plain for the world to see. Covert depression in many cases is hidden from the victim himself. The author suggests a strong link between covert depression and addictive behavior. Although the book was very educational, it left me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Case after case after case of abuse, violence, despair and hate leaves the reader with a profound sorrow and a feeling that the world is a terrible place. Male depression is a "legacy" in the sense that it can be passed down through the generations. In many cases, a father is not able to come to grips with his own psychological afflictions and in turn these manifest themselves in the child when he grows up to be a man. Male depression can also spring from cultural expectations. Men try to conform to the stereotype of "strong, silent". If a man is an alcoholic or addicted gambler, these are conditions that are seen as curable. However, if a man chooses to discuss his emotions or behaves in a manner which might be considered as feminine, then he is avoided like a leper and socially ostracized. The book concludes with a powerful message - that it is necessary in life to nurture relationships and have a goal in life that is larger than personal gratification. This is a personal quest on which I am currently embarking. I have no negative things to say about the book and would highly recommend its purchase!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
THE only book you need, April 1 2003
When I say I suffered in my depression I should say "we" because I dragged a lot of people down with me. I did therapy, read books, took medications. This book helped me, I believe, more than any other single thing that I did.Mr. Real writes from experience and with knowledge from both sides of the couch. As he composites out and recreates therapy sessions, you, as a depressed man, should see yourself. You can see where you've been and get a preview of where you're going. Each chapter ends on an upbeat. It does not end on a sappy upbeat. This is no Stuart Smalley book, no pop psychology here. It is a real upbeat, real hope on a deep level. I actually copied paragraphs from this text onto my own paper and carried them along with me. It takes courage not to be depressed. This book makes this clear. It also makes it abundantly clear that it can be done.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Talking about it, Mar 14 2003
Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counselling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womenizing, etc., and, ususally sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtlely insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress. One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that.
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by Richard Oconnor
