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Reviews Written by
"maskedmonk" (San Luis Obispo, CA USA)

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Blair Witch Project [Import]
Blair Witch Project [Import]
Offered by Value Depo
Price: CDN$ 8.00
13 used & new from CDN$ 4.51

1.0 out of 5 stars Bore Witch Project (I can't do a good title so here's a pun), July 26 2001
According to this movie, there is no fear like fear of the unknown. This is true in real life, but not in movies. If you don't remotely know what is happening in a movie, you don't experience ultimate fear -- you get BORED.
That's the problem with this movie - nothing happens in it. Nothing at all. It starts out with some "interviews" with local people about the Blair Witch. We learn that the Blair Witch used to be the Burkittsville Witch. This is ALL we learn in this approximately three hour period. Then Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, and Josh Leonard decide to wander around aimlessly in the forest, and immedietly get lost. They lose their map, swear a lot, and discover that one member of their group has erratic body hair. Then, one morning, as Heather exits their tent, she realizes that something is moving in a nearby bush. She moves closer, only to see that it is a small pile of rocks! But this small pile of rocks is angry, and it has a chainsaw! Heather runs away screaming into the woods, but the small pile of rocks chases after her, and Heather eventually (according to the laws of horror movies) trips on a tree branch, is inexplicably unable to get up, and is hacked to bits by the angry rock pile's chainsaw.
I'm kidding. Having a pile of rocks attack someone with a chainsaw would be out of place in The Blair Witch Project, because it was the intent of the creative minds behind it to make a movie where literally nothing happens, and some rocks armed with a chainsaw constitutes "something." I think I speak for all of us when I say a movie with "things" in it would be unacceptable.
Heather, Michael, and Josh do see some rocks and run away from them screaming, though. They also encounter (run away screaming from) some evil sticks, a psychotic slime mold, and finally a particularly murderous pine cone. Then, they wander around, and after a while the movie ends. I think they died.
Do not see this movie. Don't even watch it when it's on TV, it could turn out that you have a ratings box in your TV without knowing it and then YOU would be personally responsible for giving money to people who think sticks are scary. You don't want that.

Battlefield Earth [VHS] (2000) [Import]
Battlefield Earth [VHS] (2000) [Import]
8 used & new from CDN$ 9.99

1.0 out of 5 stars Argh..., July 24 2001
Battlefield Earth tells the story of Rob Zombie, played by John Travolta, a rocker whose dull family and job prompt him to give up heavy metal and escape his boring life on the dance floors of discos.
I'm sorry, I can't take a movie seriously when it casts John Travolta, the guy best known for doing the hustle, as an evil alien. Especially when he is a Psychlo. That's the name of the race of aliens. To me, it sounds like a good name for a pokemon. Can't you see that little anime kid on the TV show saying "Psychlo, I choose you!" I'm getting off topic again, but it's for a good cause - to show you how stupid this movie is. And now, I present the actual plot summary.
Battlefield Earth stars Some Guy as Caveman #1. We know literally nothing about him, except that he is slightly more curious than the other cavemen, and as a result of this he rides off into unexplored territory, only to be kidnapped and enslaved by the Psychlos, evil aliens who have taken over the earth. Super-Evil-John-Travolta-Alien needs something to use as leverage over the humans, so he tries to find out their favorite food by letting Cavemen #1 - 3 escape and monitoring them to see what they eat. Cavemen #1 - 3 are trapped in the mountains, starving to death, so they have to eat whatever they can find, which turns out to be rats. Caveman #1 and #2 then vote Caveman #3 off Battlefield Earth Island for being uncooperative, and after that, since I haven't seen Survivor, my compairison of a bad movie to a bad TV show sort of falls apart. Anyway, the cavemen eventually escape, find some other cavemen, get some thousand year old fighter-bombers, and eventually go back to take on the aliens. This is the part I have a problem with, or at least this is the part I have more of a problem with than all of the other idiotic stuff the movie expects me to believe. When the Psychlos invaded the earth, the combined efforts of all of the modern human militaries could only hold up for nine minutes before being defeated by the Psychlos. However, these same Psychlos were all killed by fifteen cavemen with sticks, thousand year old weapons which have not been maintained at all, and most importantly, a complete lack of any military training. It also bothered me that in the final battle, almost all of the cavemen nobly sacrifice their lives for the good of the others. Now, I formed no emotional attachment to the cavemen for the obvious reason that they are all completely interchangeable. When the first one sacrifices himself, it's vaguely sad, like when a goldfish dies. When the second one sacrifices himeself, I'm bored. After the fifteenth noble sacrifice I want to throw a brick through the TV screen.
In conclusion, you should watch this movie when it is shown on TV, with a lot of friends around, to make fun of it. It's quite entertaining. Don't pay money for it though.

Cyborg [Import]
Cyborg [Import]
4 used & new from CDN$ 1.60

1.0 out of 5 stars Why do people like this movie?, July 19 2001
This review is from: Cyborg [Import] (VHS Tape)
The best way to give you an idea of what this movie is like is to mention that the final fight between Van Damme and Bad Guy takes place in the rain, at night, it is cold and muddy, and Van Damme takes his shirt off. Unfortunately, he doesn't get pneumonia, his kick-boxing career doesn't end, and we end up having to watch at least six bloodsport sequels. Oh well.
If you need to know more than that, keep reading. Van Damme plays a dumb guy who likes to jump kick, who has to protect a female cyborg from evil post-apocolyptic guys who are trying to re-destroy the world. Personally, I don't really know if it MATTERS if the world is destroyed AFTER the apocolypse. I mean, if everything is radioactive and plagued and un-civilized already, making everything radioactive and plagued and uncivilized AGAIN won't make very much difference. But I digress. It's a stupid movie. A very stupid movie.
Maybe if the evil guys were trying to prevent the female cyborg from un-destroying the world. That would be more logical. I must confess that I didn't really leave the movie with much of a sense of the plot, as I was too busy throwing popcorn at the TV screen, hoping a piece would go through the screen and lodge in Van Damme's eye, get infected, and cause him to stop making movies. If you think that makes perfect sense, this movie is right for you.

Knock Off [Import]
Knock Off [Import]
4 used & new from CDN$ 11.86

1.0 out of 5 stars Can I give it negative stars?, July 19 2001
This review is from: Knock Off [Import] (VHS Tape)
knock'off', n. 1. an unlicensed, cheap copy of something, esp. fashion clothing. 2. when somebody makes the exact same movie several thousand times and nobody notices 3. a really stupid movie with Van Damme in it
Knock Off is the exact same movie that Van Damme always makes. He enters, is followed around by some groupies, there's some action, there's some comic relief, then more action, then a finale where he jump kicks someone off a building, or into a fire, or into someplace lethal. I have a problem with all of these bits because they are all so incompetently done. I especially have a problem with someone so stupid as Jean Claude Van Damme having groupies. If Van Damme can have easily excited young women follow him around and scream "eeeeee!" in high pitched voices, anybody can.
This particular movie follows Van Damme's attempt to foil a super-evil Russian plot to make fake cheap fake blue jeans that are so badly made they are easily torn in half by Deuce Bigalowe, Male Gigolo. (gigolos are defined as being male, so specifying that a gigolo is male is extremely stupid, but I'll insult that movie later, after I see it) The previously mentioned evil Russians will then flood the market with these cheap jeans, thus putting all rival blue jean making companies out of business, until Russia controls all of the world's blue jeans and will then be able to rule the world somehow. There might be super advanced microchips involved somewhere. Other than that, it's a really bad movie. The best part of the movie is the high speed rickshaw chase. Really, there's nothing more I can say after that. Don't see this move. Ever.

6 used & new from CDN$ 0.01

1.0 out of 5 stars ARGH!, July 19 2001
This review is from: Bloodsport (VHS Tape)
This movie, like many Van Damme movies, is the touching tale of a dim-witted kickboxer who thinks he is a martial artist and often takes of his shirt, pours oil on himself, and jump kicks people while grunting loudly.
Actually, all Van Damme movies are like this, not just many.
The movie is about a martial arts tournament where people from around the world come to compete and try to win the prize, which is something I forgot. It is probably run by a super-evil vaguely Asian guy with mob connections. I haven't seen the movie in a while, but I know a super-evil Asian guy controls the tournament because EVERY martial arts tournament in movies is run by a super-evil Asian guy with mob connections, and Van Damme movies aren't known for being very original.
The movie features the really huge muscular guy from Enter The Dragon. I think his name is Bolo, but that could be his real name, his name in Enter the Dragon, or his name in Bloodsport. Anyway, immediately after someone smashes a brick in his presence, he says "Very Good. But Bricks don't hit back." (or something very similar), which is a quote from Enter the Dragon. I can see quite easily how this line made it's way into the movie.
WRITER #1: This movie is really bad.
WRITER #2: I know! Let's ... a bunch of stuff from a good martial arts movie to put in our bad martial arts movie! That should make it good, right?
If you want a good movie, watch something with Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, or even Chuck Norris. Repeat to yourself "Van Damme bad. Bruce Lee good." Ok?

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