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Daniel Jolley "darkgenius" (Shelby, North Carolina USA)

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Dead Want Women, The
Dead Want Women, The
DVD ~ Jessica Morris
Price: CDN$ 9.99
18 used & new from CDN$ 6.49

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Charles Band hits yet another new low, Nov. 3 2013
This review is from: Dead Want Women, The (DVD)
If The Dead Want Women is any indication, Charles Band and Full Moon should be permanently put out to pasture. The only thing this film has going for it is the fact that the two lead actresses are attractive - everything else is just pathetic. For starters, the prologue takes an excruciating twenty-five minutes (out of about only seventy minutes of actual movie content) to play out, and the theme of repetitive, ridiculously drawn out lines established therein continues once the movie shifts to the present day. Second, the film star ghosts are terrible caricatures of, respectively, an old western B-star, a horror actor, and - most annoying of all - some weird combination of Fatty Arbuckle, W.C. Fields, and Curly Howard. Rarely have such insipid lines of inane dialogue been delivered in such a wooden fashion. The penultimate nail in the film's coffin, though, is the ending, which is a total cop-out that will make you want to throw heavy things at the screen.

Back in the 1920s, silent screen goddess Rose Pettigrew liked to throw big soirees at her home -but the real action took place in a secret room where three of her film star buddies would have their way with young women. Then the talkies came along and ended Rose's career - and she didn't take it very well. The house has set vacant ever since. That's why two young female real estate agents are so excited about having finally sold the place. Unfortunately, they soon learn that the house isn't exactly vacant after all.

I'm not sure there is such a thing as an Eric Roberts fan, but you can't possibly be one after watching his atrocious performance here. The Dead Want Women is cinematic trash. I feel sorry for Jessica Morris and Ariana Madix because they aren't terrible actresses - but there's no way they'll ever be able to undue the stain this film will leave on their careers.

Price: CDN$ 14.97
3 used & new from CDN$ 7.95

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Adds a brilliantly creepy new twist to the standard found footage archetype, Oct. 29 2013
This review is from: V/H/S (DVD)
V/H/S is a weird and strangely fascinating film that takes the found footage genre up and raises it up a notch, as it's basically a found footage movie built upon a number of different found footage videos, with everything tied together with a twisted little bow. For the first 15-20 minutes, you're a little unsure about what you're watching; by the end of the first little sub-story, though, you know you're in for an uncommonly wild ride through a gauntlet of dark and gory horror thrills. Those who give up on V/H/S too early don't know what they're missing.

The main storyline has us tagging along with a bunch of twenty-something hooligans who go around filming all of their acts of vandalism, robbery, assault, and other nefarious deeds. Then one of them says he has a job that promises a most satisfactory payoff. All they have to do is break into this old man's house and steal a certain video tape - they have no idea what is on the tape, but the third party that wants it says they'll know it when they see it. So off they go, video camera in hand, to burgle the old guy's house. The job seemingly gets a lot easier when they find the old man dead in his chair, facing a wall of TV monitors and video players. That gives them the chance to go through the video tapes they do find to try and find "the tape." As it turns out, though, that's where they make their big mistake.

This is when things start to get good. Each tape features a group of strangers filming their own little adventures. The first one, for example, features three guys who go out on the town to pick up chicks - with one of the guys wearing spy glasses to capture all the fun on video. They manage to get a couple of girls to go home with them, but things don't go as planned from that point on. One of the girls is really weird - both in terms of her looks and her behavior - and she is definitely not the type you want to bring home, even for a one night stand. Then you have a travelogue of a couple's vacation out west, with some creepy moments leading up to an unexpected ending; a group of college kids' trip to an isolated lake (and you know nothing good ever comes from that scenario); a string of video chat recordings between a cute girl and her out-of town boyfriend, centering on a "haunting" in the girl's apartment; and, finally, a group of buddies' video of the Halloween party from hell ( a word to the wise: when you go to a Halloween party, make sure you've got the right house before you go in). Of course, in between and after each video, our gang of hooligans are unknowingly filming their own horror story for us, as well.

V/H/S really offers a great new spin on the found footage genre. The middle stories aren't as strong as the first and last ones, but there are some really good special effects throughout. Everything is filmed on VHS tape, of course, some of them copied on top of other recordings, so we aren't talking about digital special effects here. That being said, some of the effects are really just superb given the VHS format. Blood, gore, and ghostly manifestations all look cheaply real rather than really cheap. You're a little hard pressed to find any characters you like in any of these stories, but that doesn't really matter in this particular context. The first and last videos are particularly spellbinding, while all of them have their creepy moments. I think most horror fans, even those who dislike found footage films, will get a real kick out of V/H/S.

Best Evidence: Disguise and Deceptions in the Assassination of John F. Kennedy
Best Evidence: Disguise and Deceptions in the Assassination of John F. Kennedy
by David S. Lifton
Edition: Paperback
20 used & new from CDN$ 0.71

4.0 out of 5 stars A landmark work concerning the medical evidence in the JFK assassination, Oct. 16 2013
I was probably thirteen or so when I first came across this book in my local bookstore. Back then, I didn't know that there was any reason to question the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK; heck, I didn't even suspect that the American government would ever deliberately lie to the public. This book opened my eyes - and not just about the JFK assassination. It would take me a little while longer to learn to distrust every single thing the government tells me, but David Lifton definitely succeeded in convincing me that the truth about the JFK assassination was not to be found in the Warren Report. All these years later, Best Evidence remains a must-read for those searching for the truth about the events that took place in Dealey Plaza almost fifty years ago. As crowded as the field of books on this subject has grown, this book remains unique in a number of ways.

Lifton was one of the early Warren Report critics; the book was not published until 1980, but Lifton's research efforts began immediately after Life published frames from the Zapruder film. As a graduate student in physics, Lifton knew that a shot from behind would not have caused the violent "back and to the left" motion of President Kennedy's head following the moment of impact. That was the impetus of his work. It quickly became a passion that interrupted and eventually ended his graduate studies (it's pretty difficult to go through the 26 nonindexed volumes of evidence in the Warren Report while pursuing a graduate degree in physics). Unlike some researchers, he was never in this for the money; in fact, I don't know how he managed to support himself over the 15 years or so he devoted to this case. He did have one thing that other early Warren Report critics did not have, though - personal access to one of the Warren Report investigators, Wesley Liebeler. Lifton's record of his conversations with Liebeler - and the overwrought reaction of other Warren Report critics to his relationship with "the enemy" - paint quite a vivid picture of the early years of JFK assassination revisionism in the 1960s.

Lifton doesn't try to explain every facet of that awful weekend of November 22-24, 1963. You won't read much about Oswald, Ruby, or the group of standard suspects here. What distinguishes Lifton's work is his concentration on the medical evidence - ostensibly the "best evidence" in any murder case. While other early critics accused the Warren Commission as well as the autopsy doctors of covering up the truth, Lifton eventually came up with a scenario where all of these parties were actually truthful. In his view, it was the medical evidence - the body and the autopsy X-rays and photos - that lied. The autopsy doctors described completely different wounds than those reported by the Parkland doctors because the body of the slain President was altered somewhere between Dallas and the autopsy at Bethesda to make it look like JFK had been shot twice from behind. That is the crux of Lifton's argument.

While Lifton never truly succeeds at pinpointing when and where (or by whom) the body alterations were made, he does point to many confusing and unexplained aspects of the body's arrival and handling at Bethesda. His attempts to interview everyone who was there in and around the autopsy room that night led to an assembly of confusing stories involving decoy ambulances, two different coffins, and a team of mystery men on hand to watch and control everything that went on there that night. How do you explain reports of a hearse delivering a plain casket with JFK in a body bag vs. reports of the body arriving in an ornate casket with the President wrapped in a sheet? Different people reported entirely different stories taking place at entirely different times from that night in the morgue. The volume and complexity of all this information sort of gets the better of Lifton in the end, I think, as some of his attempts to figure out where and when the body was altered come across as fishing expeditions, but I really don't know what more he could have done in this regard.

Lifton's body alteration theory is - for obvious reasons - rather difficult to embrace, but that's not to say he is completely off base with his arguments. Frankly, I've long accepted the idea that almost anything is possible when it comes to this infinitely complex case. I think there was a conspiracy at the highest levels of government to eliminate Kennedy, and I think the masterminds behind it would have gone to any length - even such an unimaginable one as body alteration - to get the job done. I do not put anything past the secret rulers of this country.

Whatever you think of Lifton's theory, though, Best Evidence is still well worth reading. He walks you through his entire thinking process over the course of fifteen years of work, points out many of the inordinate number of flaws in the Warren Report and House Select Committee investigations, and raises a number of troubling questions about the conduct of numerous Secret Service agents (although he never goes so far as to point an accusing finger at them) - and he was really the first person to ask pointed questions about the autopsy results to Commander Humes, Colonel Finck, and those who X-rayed and photographed the body. This is a book that truly belongs on the shelf of anyone seeking the truth about the JFK assassination.

Saints Row 2 - Standard Edition
Saints Row 2 - Standard Edition
Offered by UrbanInspirations
Price: CDN$ 38.70
15 used & new from CDN$ 8.99

4.0 out of 5 stars Extremely fun and addictive gameplay, Sept. 12 2013
Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars 
I enjoyed the heck out of Saints Row 2. What's not to like about putting a gang together to go out and basically take over an entire city, thumping rival gangs into the dust, creating mayhem everywhere, thumbing your nose at authority as you laugh your way to the bank, and blowing holes in anyone who tries to stop you? The activities outside the larger missions only add to the fun. Even though the much more theatrical Saints Row the Third takes the gaming experience to a whole new level, I actually enjoyed Saints Row 2 more than its immediate sequel - largely because the world is a bit more open-ended here.

Waking up from a coma, it's up to you to rebuild the Saints empire that once ruled the city of Stilwater. The old gang has fallen apart, new gangs have staked their claims on the city, and you only have one former lieutenant to work with. Fortunately, that one man is Johnny Gat - if, that is, you can break him out of jail before he's executed for his past crimes. You need money, weapons, and - most of all - respect if you're going to put together a new gang of lieutenants and mindless thugs more than happy to do your bidding. You're going to have to lower yourself to perform various illegal jobs for others, but it's only a matter of time before you'll be ready to harass and ultimately show the Ronin, Sons of Samedi, and Brotherhood that you - and the Saints - are back.

There will be blood and lots of it, and you're basically free to explore the open world of Stilwater and perform all kinds of crazy jobs for cash while you work your way through all of the missions. All of the activities and diversions are great fun. How can you not have a blast disposing of aggressive fans while guarding celebrities, driving hookers around town, fighting it out against multiple opponents in Stilwater's own Fight Club, roughing up petty criminals while playing the role of a cop for the reality show FUZZ, committing massive insurance fraud by hurling yourself repeatedly into oncoming traffic, destroying private property with abandon, etc. My personal favorite is Septic Avenger, which has you riding around town spraying raw sewage on people and property to lower property values. The actual missions are even more fun, with greet cut scenes and plenty of surprises designed to bring your enemies to their knees. Those new Stilwater gang leaders have no idea what's coming courtesy of you and the Saints.

Of course, everything you do is complemented by a great soundtrack of tunes from different styles and eras, and that classic Saints Row humor never misses a beat. Throw in diverse weapons and vehicles for the snatching, all kinds of explosions and mayhem, and the fun of killing anyone you want whenever you want to do it, and we're talking tons of fun. I don't really understand the complaints some people have with the PC port. Sure, I was never able to control my vehicles as perfectly as I would have liked, but it's certainly not difficult to get everywhere you need to go with just a keyboard and mouse. The only reason I'm giving the game four stars instead of five is because it did lock up on me a few times - but even then, I never lost anything I had already done.

Black Rat [Import]
Black Rat [Import]
Price: CDN$ 20.87
19 used & new from CDN$ 7.97

3.0 out of 5 stars You can dance if you wanna, you can leave your friends behind, Aug. 17 2013
This review is from: Black Rat [Import] (DVD)
I don't have a lot of experience criticizing Japanese horror movies, but Black Rat is one of the rare J-Horror films that just didn't deliver the goods. For one thing, it's surprisingly unoriginal - six classmates get invited to a location, only to find themselves fighting for their lives against a mysterious killer. The location is the school where their mutual friend Asuka jumped off the roof to her death seven weeks earlier, and the time is midnight - and they all actually show up. I don't know about you, but if I get a text message from a girl who killed herself seven weeks ago asking me to meet her at the school building at midnight, I wouldn't even consider going - not even if the dead girl was smoking hot. Curiosity can have the cat - but it ain't getting me.

All Asuka wanted was for her friends to join her in performing some traditional dance of Seven Rats at the school's arts festival. Then, after they all initially agreed to do it, they refused to practice and pretty much just bailed on her, even after she had spent all this time constructing a really cool rat mask to wear. I'm not really sure why all of these people - who sort of represent the characters in the story of the Seven Rats - were actually friends, as all of them except Asuka and one of the other girls are pretty much jerks in their own special ways - and even the nice girl doesn't turn out to be the kind of person you really want for a best friend. The thing with Asuka, though, is that she is always smiling - even when her friends are totally dumping on her. From the audience's perspective, she's a very sympathetic character, which makes the fact of her suicide particularly tragic. She actually jumped off the roof of the school wearing the rat mask she had created. So that's the backstory, which is presented in a series of flashbacks as the movie progresses.

Back to the schoolroom that dark night, though, these other six kids who stupidly accepted the invitation to show up are greeted by a girl wearing Asuka's bloodstained rat's head, who uses flash cards to let the others know that she is going to kill all of them. Is it really Asuka's ghost underneath that creepy rat head? The film does a good job of really keeping the mystery of the killer's identity just that - a mystery, throwing several wicked curveballs at the audience as the movie progresses. There's not a great deal of blood and gore involved with the actual killings, but they are unique and some of them are creepy in their own special way, but it's really the question of the killer's identity that drives the story. Black Rat does deliver a deeper storyline that your traditional slasher, and the whole thing with the rat mask is pretty creepy, but it sort of feels like director Kenta Fukasaku was trying to invoke the atmosphere of an American slasher film, and I think that was a mistake.

The Wickeds [Import]
The Wickeds [Import]
DVD ~ Ron Jeremy
Offered by Vanderbilt CA
Price: CDN$ 35.84
7 used & new from CDN$ 19.15

1.0 out of 5 stars Just awful, Aug. 5 2013
This review is from: The Wickeds [Import] (DVD)
Just having to look at Ron Jeremy is bad enough on its own (although, thankfully, he stays fully clothed here), but even the prospect of seeing his character savagely killed does nothing to ease the pain of watching a movie this pathetic and abysmal. The Wickeds is a film that even the director couldn't possibly love. There's not even any female nudity to help get you through it - although, quite frankly, I wouldn't particularly like to see any of these actresses nude, anyway. The lack of nudity is confusing, though, because everything else about this film conveys the impression that it was written and filmed by a twelve-year-old boy. Sure, there's plenty of gore, but it's horribly fake and unconvincing. And the acting? Well, Ron Jeremy is by far the most talented actor involved in this project - need I say more?

There is barely even a story underlying all of this cinematic torture. Seven incredibly annoying, unattractive young people break into this old spooky house where a low-budget horror film is being shot. Unbeknownst to them, Gus (Ron Jeremy) and his gimboid sidekick are at the nearby cemetery digging up a corpse in order to steal an amulet from the body. Naturally, the theft of this horrible piece of cosmetic jewelry brings all of the dead bodies out of their graves, and their pursuit of human flesh eventually brings both groups together inside the house. Will any of the characters survive? Who smegging cares?

Despite the fact that these are clearly zombies doing everything that zombies do, the characters keep referring to them as vampires, which tells you something about the group intelligence on display here. That's just one of the many, many ways this film annoyed me. I watch a lot of bad movies - some of them are true gems worthy of cult status; most of them are just forgettable; but a few of them should be considered forms of torture. The Wickeds clearly falls into that final category.

Stormhouse [Import]
Stormhouse [Import]
Price: CDN$ 19.90
20 used & new from CDN$ 0.01

2.0 out of 5 stars Bland and boring, July 5 2013
This review is from: Stormhouse [Import] (DVD)
Who knew a film about a captured supernatural entity could be so mind-numbingly boring? Stormhouse begins dead on arrival and doesn't offer so much as a single post-mortem twitch the rest of the way. It's like the filmmakers came up with a way to can mediocrity in cinematic form. There's a little bit of gore, but don't expect any chills or thrills or anything resembling suspense.

So, yeah, some kind of British black operations unit has managed to capture a supernatural entity and apparently wants to turn it into some kind of weapon against terrorists or something. Okay. So far, though, the only thing they've been able to do is keep it contained in a cell using an electromagnetic fence. Enter American ghost whisperer Haley (Katie Flynn), who has been sent to the underground base by some Minister or other to try and communicate with the invisible and silent prisoner. She does seem to make some kind of connection with the thing, but the lieutenant in charge opts to take more extreme measures for getting answers. Naturally, the entity ends up escaping and all hell breaks loose down there.

One of the many frustrating things about this movie is the fact that the whole thing is basically shot in the dark, so be prepared to turn off all the lights or risk some serious eyestrain trying to follow what is happening onscreen. Some of the dialogue can be hard to make out, as well, which is particularly a problem if you're watching it on Amazon's "we don't need no stinkin' closed captioning" video service. Really, though, there's so little story here that it doesn't really matter how much you can actually see and hear.

Scream Queens Double Feature: Swimsuit Sensations & Knockout Workout
Scream Queens Double Feature: Swimsuit Sensations & Knockout Workout
DVD ~ Veronica Carothers
Price: CDN$ 4.95
4 used & new from CDN$ 4.95

2.0 out of 5 stars If you've ever wondered how scream queens keep in shape ..., June 17 2013
In case you've ever wondered, Scream Queens Double Feature: Swimsuit Sensations & Knockout Workout is the answer to the question "What do you get for the horror fan who has everything?" I can almost guarantee the horror fan in your life won't have this cheesy video in his/her collection. In fact, both of these titles were thought to be lost forever until recently, and this 2010 release is taken from VHS copies of the originals.

Maybe you're wondering how two scream queen features from 1992 could ever have been lost. Sure, low-budget horror films can be considered a niche market, but there are plenty of dedicated scream queen fans out there. Well, Swimsuit Sensations and Knockout Workout aren't actually horror movies (unlike Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout, which at least threw some zombie mayhem into the exercise mix). They're more like workout videos - but that's not quite right either because the girls never actually teach us anything about working out. We do get to watch them do a good bit of exercising, but there's no instruction or encouragement or anything like that. These videos basically seem to have been made for the sole purpose of filming attractive women in bathing suits and leotards stretching in all sorts of poses. Not that there's anything wrong with that - heavens, no.

Both videos feature the same three scream queens: Melissa Moore, Jasae, and Veronica Carothers - not exactly household names, even in the low-budget horror community. Moore's credits include Caged Fury, Sorority House Massacre II, Consenting Adults, and Scream Dream. Jasae appeared in Roadhouse, Bad Girls From Mars, numerous Playboy videos, and a long list of other films no one's ever heard of. Veronica Carothers is the most obscure of the three ladies, having appeared in only a dozen or so films such as Paid to Kill and Mankillers. For what it's worth, the three ladies do have different backgrounds, body types, and exercise routines. Moore grew up long and tall riding and showing horses, and she likes to do yoga and lift weights to stay in shape. Jasae has a wrestling and boxing background and uses aerobic exercises to keep her tight body, well, tight. Finally, Carothers is the skinny type (I think she could put an eye out with one of her shoulder blades) with a background in ballet and dance. After some serious head- and shoulder-rolling, though, she mainly just rolls around in the grass in a bikini. That's just as well, since the camera tends to roam up and down the girls' bodies when they're exercising, anyway. In other words, you're better off with Hanoi Jane or Richard Simmons if you're actually interested in working out.

I must point out that much of the 32-minute Knockout Workout consists of material included in the 52-minute Swimsuit Sensations. This includes much of the interviews interspersed between the voyeuristic camera shots of the girls working out. In these interview segments, you do get to learn more about these scream queens and how they got into the business, which I found rather interesting. This disc also includes trailers to eight different SRS Cinema films such as The Christmas Season Massacre and Inbred Redneck Vampire. Clearly, though, Scream Queens Double Feature: Swimsuit Sensations and Knockout Workout sells itself on pure campiness and nostalgia.

Ghost Attack on Sutton....
Ghost Attack on Sutton....
DVD ~ Documentary
Price: CDN$ 19.95
16 used & new from CDN$ 13.55

2.0 out of 5 stars A fake ghost hunt with real ghost hunters, June 17 2013
This review is from: Ghost Attack on Sutton.... (DVD)
The one thing I know about Ghost Attack on Sutton Street: Poltergeists and Paranormal Entities is that it isn’t very effective at doing – well, whatever it’s trying to do. Actually, I know two things – the title is too darn long. When you see a title that includes a long subtitle like this, the odds are pretty good that the film will leave you wanting in the end. The weird thing about this movie, though, is the fact that several of the crew members on this “ghost hunt,” including lead investigator Lee Roberts, are actually paranormal investigators associated with Haunted Events UK – yet this is clearly a film posing as a documentary and chock full of staged “scares” that are never, ever caught by the cameras. Why this man would be involved with a fake investigation is beyond me; he must believe that any publicity is good publicity. This is not the type of publicity that is going to lend any credence to the existence of ghosts, however. Actually, I would never have believed that Lee Roberts was an actual paranormal investigator if I had not read that fact while researching this film – if for no other reason than the fact that he never shuts up. He overexplains everything – the equipment used, what the thermal camera is and is not picking up, the purpose of a séance (during the séance, mind you). If I were a ghost, I would either hide from this annoying man or continually pelt him with objects in an attempt to make him leave the premises.

Equipped with only one EMF detector and one thermal imaging camera, this “experienced” ghost hunting crew takes us inside “the notoriously haunted Old Street Market of Sutton Town in historic old England” and proceeds to investigate the place without turning off any of the lights. Oh, these are some brave souls indeed. Alongside Lee Roberts is fellow investigator Pete Cox (who does lend some reality to the project because you would think that no director in his right mind would ever cast him with a speaking role in a film) and historian Michelle Gent –who shares the secret with Lee concerning the real purpose for this investigation. It all goes back to a legendary childhood boogeyman named Tap Tap, who may or may not have ever existed. Lee proudly announces that this is the first paranormal group to investigate this particular location – which is rather strange because he and Michelle go on to talk about the findings of numerous other investigations conducted there over the years. Well, after more than a half hour of interminably long and boring walkarounds, prep work, and endless droning on by Lee, the investigation begins.

The evidence our intrepid investigators find wouldn’t scare most small children, but they quickly start freaking out – which is not good, because Lee talks even more than usual when he’s nervous. A couple of pretty cool things happen eventually, but Lee’s propensity for hogging camera time means nothing is caught on video. What glimpses we do get of the activity are far from convincing and, in my opinion, were probably done by the investigators themselves. To make matters worse, the cinematography and music in this film are horrible – especially the campy music that is usually way too loud, routinely builds up to “something’s about to happen” crescendos in which nothing happens at all, and generally grates on the nerves. With no big ending to save the day, you’re left scratching your head wondering what purpose this underwhelming film was supposed to serve.

The Slaughterhouse Massacre [Import]
The Slaughterhouse Massacre [Import]
DVD ~ Stephani Wells
Price: CDN$ 20.11
21 used & new from CDN$ 11.47

1.0 out of 5 stars I would rather be a cow in a slaughterhouse than to have to watch this tripe again, June 5 2013
You would be hard pressed to find a horror film more ineptly made than this one. The Slaughterhouse Massacre is embarrassingly wretched from start to finish, spilling even more clichés than blood. The stupidity of the whole thing is actually a little hard to believe; you would think even the most amateurish of filmmakers would do one thing right, just by accident, but not these guys. If there's a human being walking around on this earth that could actually take any enjoyment from this movie, I sincerely hope I never meet him.

The movie starts out with a hot and bothered young blonde begging her boyfriend to take her to the slaughterhouse because nothing turns her on more than the blood and stench of poor slaughtered animals. You can guess what happens. Then, things get confusing because another murder is mentioned, one which led a group of guys to come and murder the suspect, Marty Sickle. The killer's body was never found, though, so the legend is that you can bring Sickle back to life if you go to the slaughterhouse and recite a silly little poem. Enter our main characters: Justin, the incredibly stupid football jock and Stacey, the reasonably hot chick that loves him (despite the fact he isn't exactly faithful to her), Justin's even dumber sidekick Bobby and his girlfriend Tina (who actually thinks going to the slaughterhouse and trying to raise a dead killer back to life sounds like fun). Potential viewers, prepare for your mind to be rotted by egregious overacting in a college classroom, the lamest college party in history, characters so one-dimensional and annoying you would actually consider killing them yourself, incredibly bad special effects, and a killer lacking any presence whatsoever.

All of the available evidence suggests that no thought whatsoever went into the making of this movie. Seriously, the sickle-wielding killer is named Marty Sickle, and there's a pothead character named Stoner. Then there's the fact that this slaughterhouse, which has been abandoned for ten long years, still has electricity. Oh, and did you know that animal blood doesn't dry up at all if you keep it in an open bucket for ten years? Or that you should make as much noise as possible when trying to hide from a deranged killer? Or that an unconscious person with a bum leg can still walk as long as someone holds on to her?

Believe me - I haven't even begun to plumb the inept stupidity of this movie. This cinematic atrocity currently sports a 13 percent approval rating on a certain tomato-related site, and I'm seriously considering opening an investigation into how the rating on there can be even that high. The Slaughterhouse Massacre is an utter travesty of a horror movie.

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