When I was young 'un (back when I was about 8 or so), The Wrath of Khan was actually my least favorite Star Trek film to date. Having seen it again on TNN recently, I'm not sure why I disliked it so much, and while I won't call it the best Star Trek film (that honor lies with First Contact), it's an entertaining adventure highlighted by good performances, memorable special effects, and two tense, if also somewhat underwhelming, space battles.

The Wrath of Khan is a sequel to the episode, "Space Seed", where evil genius Khan and his gang were exiled on a planet. Khan and his group escape, hijack a starship, and plans vengeance upon Kirk. Then there's the genesis device, a machine capable of creating new life, but also has the potential to destroy those the living. It all leads to a tense showdown between the two biggest egos in the universe.

There are a lot of things about The Wrath of Khan that still bug me. For one, there's the slow as snails pacing. Director Nicholas Meyer often said this film was inspired by the nautical adventures of Horatio Hornblower, but I distinctly remember two things that place such works (as seen in, say, the recent Master and Commander) above Wrath of Khan: 1) watching two big spaceships blasting away at each other isn't nearly as fun as seeing two big 19th century warships firing cannonballs upon each other on the high seas and 2) Hornblower often boarded enemy ships, but seeing as this never happens in Wrath of Khan, we're back to the concept of watching two spaceships duking it out.

I can't really quite begin to emphasize how small-scale space battles aren't my cup of tea. Not helping that problem is the fact that the Enterprise never actually feels like it's in any genuine danger, not necessarily because you expect that most of the crew will make it through the situation alive, but because it just seems like a far more powerful ship than the Khan-controlled Reliant.

Then there's Khan and his gang of marauders themselves, who look more like rejects from a He-man audition than genuinely menacing villains. Matter of fact, most of Khan's men do little more than stand around and "pose." They also look a little young for a group that's been marooned for fifteen years, but maybe that's just the side effect of genetic tampering. This, however, still doesn't explain why Khan himself looks particularly aged from his last encounter with Kirk, and I don't think something as simple as stress caused by survival responsibilities could explain it. He may be the leader, but if everyone is also as potentially strong and as intelligent as he is, I see no reason why they couldn't care for themselves.

The plot generally lacks any sense of urgency. Even in the thick of the action or in apparently dire situations, the film does little to generate any building suspense. The Wrath of Khan simply doesn't find the right balance between action, science fiction, and characters. The only genuine sci-fi on hand (aside from all the space travel and the like) is the Genesis project, and even that takes a backseat to the Kirk/Khan rivalry.

Other complaints: though certain tracks of Horner's score (especially the "prepping for battle" scene) are rousing, too much of the music is just grating and certainly can't hold a candle to Jerry Goldsmith's famed Trek score. Meyer's camerawork is also rather flat, lacking a sense of true rhythm or energy. Even Robert Wise's direction in The Motion Picture felt slicker than this.

With those criticisms out of the way, there was some stuff I enjoyed about the film. William Shatner and Ricardo Montalban make for an effective protagonist/antagonist duo, with the former delivering a genuinely good performance and the latter chewing the scenery with aplomb. Leonard Nimoy is excellent as Spock, as always.

The most memorable scene of the whole film is the emotional climax, which features the death of a major character. This represented the first time that Star Trek could not only engage the mind and rattle the nerves, but also touch the heart (and put a lump in your throat). The Wrath of Khan appears to be the series fan-favorite, and I can see why, but too much of it doesn't click with me. Still, it's somewhat recommended to those looking for a space opera with the occasional dose of action and pathos.

Great sci-fi is a rarity these days, with too many TV shows (Andromeda, Farscape, the last three Star Trek series) boasting mediocre acting and writing, at best, to go along with admittedly impressive visuals and occasionally very intriguing concepts and plot strands. Stargate SG-1 is the exception, easily the best sci-fi television series since Star TreK: TNG, and possibly the best ever, period.

With its mixture of intelligent and engrossing stories, terrific acting, cool special effects, and thrilling action, no other show on TV comes close to the combination of quality episodes SG-1 delivers. Season six, in particular, is quite possibly the best season of the series, though admittedly, this is the only season of SG-1 that I've seen every episode of. Season six stood out with the addition of Corin Nemec's Jonas Quinn, whom I liked at least as much as Daniel Jackson, probably more. He was a fantastic addendum, adding much humor and enthusiasm to the show. It's too bad he was booted off the show by season seven.

Redemption (part I): B+, a terrific premiere episode that presents the first dangerous threat from Anubis. Drags when it focuses on Teal'c's personal life, but a necessary set-up.
Redemption (part II): A+, quite possibly the best episode of Stargate, period. It's as suspenseful and exciting as TV gets, and not even David Hewlett's annoying Dr. Mckay can mar it.
Descent: A, that's two absolute winners in a row with yet another one of the all-time best episodes; SG-1 investigates a seemingly empty Goa'uld mothership. This episode boasts the most in-depth and creepily atmospheric exploration of a spacecraft since Event Horizon.
Frozen: B+, intriguing episode focuses on the discovery of a human enclosed in Arctic ice.
Nightwalkers: B, Invasion of the Body Snatchers-inspired episode about a town that is possessed at night. Derivative, but entertaining and with a few nicely done eerie moments.
Abyss: B-, Jack O'Neill is captured when seemingly betrayed by the Tok'ra symbiote that healed him and has to deal with torture from Ba'al and discovers Daniel Jackson might actually still be alive. Nothing special plot-wise, but RD Anderson has great chemistry with Michael Shanks, and the prison cell is a cool design.
Shadow Play: B-, decent episode about possible world war on Jonas Quinn's home planet. The plot twist is quite reminiscent of a certain Best Picture Oscar winner a few years back.
The Other Guys: B+, very funny episode that introduces goofball Felger, who sets out to rescue SG-1 when they're captured by Anubis' forces. Surprisingly enough, this episode is funny without hampering the excitement.
Allegiance: B, an invisible killer stalks a refugee camp; a bit derivative of Forbidden Planet and Predator, but effective and suspenseful, nonetheless.
Cure: A, a miracle cure called Tretonin apparently has both a horrible side effect and an even more shocking discovery of its origin. This story presents one of the series' most compelling ethical questions and is one of the season's best.
Prometheus: A-, the spacecraft Prometheus is hijacked; another very exciting and suspenseful episode.
Unnatural Selection: B+, SG-1 arrives at a Replicator-overrun planet and discovers some strange inhabitants. The visit to the planet is atmospheric and the final scene is particularly memorable.
Sight Unseen: B-, a very lightweight episode reminiscent of From Beyond.
Smoke & Mirrors: A-, when Senator Kinsey is killed, all evidence points to Jack O'Neill as the assassin. Plot-wise, this is one of the most enthralling episodes of the season.
Paradise Lost: B-, an initially very intriguing premise about a hidden cache of weapons and a search for a society that lives in paradise doesn't really go anywhere, but it's still not bad.
Metamorphosis: B, experiments being performed by the Goa'uld Nirrti in search of the perfect host leads to some troubling discoveries on the inhabitants of a planet.
Disclosure: A-, ultimately little more than a clip show, but this episode does an excellent job of relating the history of the Stargate while also portraying the tensions between nations over the SG program.
Forsaken: B+, SG-1 arrives on a planet of stranded pilots that are being hunted by aliens in the forest, but the situation isn't quite as it seems. The plot twist is fairly obvious, but it's nonetheless a very exciting episode.
The Changeling: C+, probably my least favorite episode of the season, this is one of those "what is reality and what isn't?" episodes that's more than a little plodding and tiresome. It's a nice acting showcase for Christopher Judge, whose Teal'C is experiencing different lives and can't tell which is real, but little else.
Memento: B+, a test flight of the Prometheus results in an accident that strands the crew and SG-1 on the far side of the galaxy. To get the necessary supplies, they need to find a stargate, but they arrive on a planet that seems unwilling to help. The lack of trust from the aliens is an interesting twist on the usual "aliens who arrive on Earth, but are distrusted by humans" angle.
Prophecy: B, Jonas Quinn gains the ability to tell the future, and must prevent the deaths of Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c.
Full Circle: B+, the season finale features the return of Daniel Jackson, who warns SG-1 that Anubis is in search of an artifact that could make him virtually invincible. The episode boasts a nice return to Abydos (the planet that "started" it all, if you've seen the movie), a welcome guest star role from Alexis Cruz, and some first-rate action sequences.

Even with three movies released (well, technically four, if you count The Mummy Returns), it's still difficult to tell if The Rock is going to have a strong film career. Reasons? He's not much of an actor and his movies haven't exactly "rocked" the box office, if you'll pardon the pun. But he's got plenty of charisma that just radiates "movie star," and that speaks volumes more than anything solid talent can when you're starring in a brainless action flick.

And brainless action flick The Rundown is, with its generic title and equally generic plot, starring The Rock as bounty hunter/aspiring chef Beck who heads into the Amazon to retrieve amateur archaeologist Travis (Seann William Scott) at the orders of Travis' own mob-boss father. But Travis is highly reluctant to leave, seeing as he's on the verge of discovering a gold artifact worth millions, but said artifact is also desired by two warring groups, slave-driving operators led by Hatcher (Christopher Walken) and the local rebels fighting Hatcher's mining establishment, all with Beck and Travis caught in the middle.

Despite the fact that The Rundown is a bit of a return to the 80s-style of bone-crunching action extravaganzas, it comes up short real fast. A perfect example of a missed opportunity comes in the film's opening scene; after a delightful "pass the torch" cameo from Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Rock lays the smack down on the entire offensive line of football team for the sake of a superbowl ring. This should have been a hilarious, wildly thrilling setpiece, but the constant quick cuts and flashing lights make the action almost incomprehensible.

After this brawl, the film slows down considerably during its endlessly draggy exposition before finally picking up with a decent barfight about a half-hour into the picture. It's at this point we realize the film has the same basic problem that permeates Arnold's mindless action thrillers; the sight of a hulking hero beating down on smaller opponents just doesn't generate much in the way of suspense or excitement.

Most Arnold flicks usually compensated for this with great one-liners or even bigger villains, but in The Rundown's case, there aren't nearly enough laughs and the action just doesn't thrill. Where the film does truly come to life is at the forty-minute mark, when a full-bladdered but hands-tied-behind-his-back Travis desperately has to pee, leading to several mishaps that result in a baboon just hankerin' to fornicate with Beck; you have to see it to believe it.

This is, unfortunately, the only scene where the film genuinely comes to life. The following action sequence, a showdown between Beck and several quick-footed local rebels, is pretty inventive, but marred by quick cuts, the obvious use of stuntmen, and an awful soundtrack that employs beating drums and, of all things, a whistle.

The final battle is almost a complete letdown, with director Peter Berg once again unwisely editing the film in MTV-style. It's when the action slows down enough that the real impressive moments stand out, like Beck's fight with the whip-slingers. And let me say this, when our hero makes a huge point throughout the film about never using guns and we the audience actually find this pretty unique, it's very disappointment to see the climax feature the hero resorting to shooting down all the bad guys, without even cracking a smart-ass one-liner, to boot.

The cast is actually pretty engaging for this sort of film (with the only real weak link being Rosario Dawson, who's utterly bland); I kinda like The Rock, I also kinda like Seann William Scott, ditto for Ewen Bremner, and I definitely like Christopher Walken, but the film puts this cast's considerable action and/or comedic talent to waste. This is an average action film, period.
** 1/2 out of *****

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. The Farrelly Brothers had to mature (somewhat) at some point and make a film that didn't rely on sex or gross-out jokes. That is apparently the case with Stuck On You, the Farrellys latest and tamest, but it's also one of their sweetest and funniest films to date.

Bob and Walt Tenor (Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear) are conjoined twins who've spent their whole lives in Martha's Vineyard. Bob is the owner of a burger restaurant and Walt is an actor who performs plays for the town's audience, but he has bigger ambitions; he wants to be a Hollywood actor, much to the chagrin of Bob, who suffers from a distinct case of stagefright. But after some discussion and compromise, they agree to move to L.A. and start a new life for themselves.

Upon arrival, Bob and Walt meet the friendly but ditzy April (Eva Mendes), one of their neighbors in the apartment they've just moved into. Bob even meets his internet pen-pal May (Wen Yann Shih), but because he's never told her he has a conjoined twin, he has to "bring" along Walt on their first date together. As for Walt's Hollywood dreams, after some initial lack of success, he's chosen by Cher herself to co-star with her on her new show, "Honey and the Beaze," in an attempt by Cher to sabotage her own series. But the show is an unexpected success thanks to Walt's burgeoning popularity, which puts a crimp in his relationship with Bob.

Reviewing comedies has always been a bit difficult for me, which is why I usually stick to the stuff that I find easier to write about (action/adventure, horror, drama, anything but comedy), but given all the knocks this film has taken (particularly the fact that barely anybody saw it in theaters) I felt a slight sense of obligation to mention that Stuck On You is the funniest and most touching comedy I've seen in recent memory.

This is not to say that the film always had me choking with laughter (though a scene involving a guy in front of his typewriter did get the biggest laugh out of me all year), but rather that it consistently delivered smiles, chuckles, and solid laughs without ever bogging down, no easy feat for a movie that runs for just under two hours.

Aside from the lack of sexual humor, there's a major difference between the style of comedy the Farrellys employ here than in some of their prior films. Whereas many their previous works have often made fun of the people that suffer from certain "disorders," Stuck On You presents us with two friendly, easy-going guys who've grown accustomed to their situation and choose not to see their conjoined liver as a handicap. Rather, the film derives its humor from the way "outsiders" view their condition.

In the film's two lead roles, Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear boast the kind of comic chemistry that most actors can only dream of. Damon, in particular, excels by taking the more "straight man" role, where he's not actually aiming for any laughs but still gets them anyway, maybe even more than the typically hilarious Kinnear. Watching these two guys stuck together reminds me why I find them two of the most likeable actors in Hollywood, even when most of Kinnear's characters are generally abrasive losers (but not in this case). It is, in fact, Damon and Kinnear that make the film as wonderfully entertaining as it is. Had not even half of the jokes worked as well as they did, their performances would still warrant this movie a passable recommendation.

Stuck On You doesn't always juggle its various subplots perfectly; while Wen Yann Shih does play well into the film, a lot of brief cameos and a wide assortment of characters aren't meshed in as well. Worst of all is Cher, who's neither funny nor particularly convincing as the "bitch" she's made out to be. I have no idea if this says more about her personality or her acting skills.

Most of the Farrellys comedies generally tend to dissipate in the last half-hour or so, replacing its humor with more sincere attempts at trying to make their irascible and/or "cad-like" protagonists learn a lesson or two. The magic of Stuck On You is that its protagonists are always the same throughout, making no genuine "it's a miracle!" revelations about themselves at the last minute; after all, brotherly love is still brotherly love.

When the last twenty minutes threaten to devolve into sentimental clap-trap, the Farrellys punch in the necessary humor that defuses any of the building sap (spoiler:I think my favorite scene in the whole film is when Bob and Walt re-unite after parting their seperate ways, in a scene that's both hilarious and touching), making the film sweet without getting too sweet. The Farrellys have made a lot of funny movies, but this is the first of theirs I can recommend to just about anyone.
**** 1/2 out of *****

For ten seasons, Friends proved to be one of the most endearing and effortlessly likeable sitcoms on television, not necessarily because of great writing (which it did often, though not always, sport), but because of the first-rate cast, which had a mixture of a comic/romantic/dramatic chemistry that I doubt will ever be matched by another television series.

The final episode, entitled The Last One, is a fine, if unspectacular, end to the series. Running at around 45 minutes (sans the commercials), this final episode resolves several subplots that had been running throughout the final season. Chandler and Monica finally become parents, but with a small surprise that leads to the episode's funniest line, delivered with perfect sarcasm by Matthew Perry.

But the resolution most fans want to see is if whether Ross and Rachel get back together. Their on-and-off relationship has been at times comical, romantic, touching, or just plain annoying, but it works well here. The last half-hour is built around the typical cliche of man trying to chase after his lover and stop her from leaving his life forever (or in this case, just a long period of time), but the situation delivers plenty of good laughs, especially when, in order to convince Rachel to get off the plane, Phoebe B.S.'s that the plane's left filangee isn't working.

The cast has been together for so long that it's hard not to refer to them by their characters' names. Truthfully, I'm not even certain if anyone of these six can even break away from the character they've been associated with for ten years (certainly not Matt LeBlanc, who'll continue playing Joey next season). But as a farewell episode, The Last One is a solid reminder of why I enjoyed this show so much.

Pirates of the Caribbean was the most disappointing film of summer 2003 because it promised more fun than it actually delivered. The Hulk comes in a close second because its pedigree (from the cast to director Ang Lee) would seemingly indicate we'd get a film that's far superior to the final cut of this horribly overlong clunker.

Maybe the Hulk was never suited for big screen material, but it's more likely Ang Lee just mucked up the execution. He clearly wants to inject his films with the deeper meaning, to question and explore the very psyche of the film's protagonist, Bruce Banner (Eric Bana). Truth be told, I'm not partial to this approach, but I could grudgingly accept it if delivered and executed competently. It's not.

From the dull performances to the pretentious tone, Hulk consistently does little more than make the viewer every bit as angry as the green beast himself, only because one was foolish enough to actually fork over some hard-earned cash to see the film.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that Lee wants to put characters over action, an approach that has constantly appealed to me, but there's a catch here; not one single character is likeable and/or sympathetic. Bana is a decent actor, but he radiates zero screen presence or charisma as Banner, I neither felt nor cared for his supposed mental and physical anguish.

As his ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Connelly is even less convincing, resorting to little more than shedding tears when the situation goes awry. Connelly is one of those actresses whose marked improvements over the years (she was an awful actress from the mid-80's to early 90's) has impressed me, but this is her worst performance in years. In other supporting roles, Josh Lucas is okay but perfunctorily one-dimensional as the villain, and Sam Elliot does his gruff thing yet again, and it's not nearly as amusing here as it was in We Were Soldiers (where much of it was played for laughs; he's deadly serious here). Nick Nolte is hilariously over-the-top as mad scientist Bruce Banner, it'd be amusing if it wasn't so earnest.

The movie as a whole is about anger, that seething, boiling rage lurking under the surface just waiting for the catalyst that'll unleash its ugly face. There is, unfortunately, only so much a film of this sort can do to deal with such a topic, and it doesn't even maximize such potential during the action sequences.

The Hulk (the big man himself) is a passable special effect, better than you'd expect, but not as good as you'd hope for, and while the green lug does get in a few pretty cool moments (leaping around the desert, for instance), he's utterly wasted in this movie's few paltry action sequences. There's a general rule of thumb of mine that any superhero action movie should pit our hero against stronger villains (a rule the recent X2 also broke). Not the case here, where most of Hulk's fighting is against the U.S. military. This is without mentioning that the Hulk not only has super strength and super agility, he's also practically invulnerable to harm because of a quick healing factor; a hero who virtually can't die? Bye-bye, suspense.

The one scene where the Hulk does fight someone with superior powers to his own is set in the dark, and I could barely make anything out during this battle, which hardly lasts past a minute and is wholly anti-climactic compared to the slightly more engaging Hulk vs. the military confrontation.

Danny Elfman's horrible score rounds out the rest of this lackluster picture. It's a rip-off of his own work in Spider-Man, which itself was a rip-off of his superior work in Batman. Lesson to Elfman: a score of this style won't work for every superhero.

Ang Lee crafts the film with a "wink-wink"-style camerawork, splicing in lots of comic-book style scene transitions, reminding viewers they are indeed watching an adaptation of a popular comic book. Not only are the transitions themselves annoying, but they're a persistent reminder of how much more fun it would be to actually skim through an issue of the Hulk than to actually watch this film.

Probably the most hyped backwoods horror flick of 2003, Cabin Fever received early marks from many critics as a great return to 80's style horror. Lion's Gate Films was the lucky studio that got its hands on the picture for distribution, but upon wide release, seemingly most horror fans who saw it proclaimed it one of the worst films of the year. Kinda makes you question if pre-release hype is the slightest bit reliable (I remember people talking about how terrible the script for the Dawn of the Dead remake was, but it turned out to be the best horror film since The Ring).

Sporting an opening not too dissimilar from The Evil Dead, Cabin Fever begins with five teens going on a trip to the woods for a weekend of fun and relaxation. Among the teens are nice guy Paul (Rider Strong), who's desperate to sleep with his best friend Karen (Jordan Ladd), horny couple Jeff and Marcy (Joey Kern and Cerina Vincent), and goofball Bert (James DeBello), who gets on everyone else's nerves on so many occasions, I wondered why the others bothered to bring him along.

They reach their cabin with little problem and everything goes well at first; Jeff and Marcy fornicate without abandon, Karen kisses Paul for the first time, and Bert is having fun shooting at the small local wildlife. But the arrival of a sick man infected with a skin-eating disease at their door one night leads to total disaster, he vomits blood all over their car, which gets trashed, and runs off burning when Paul jabs him with a "torch." Thinking their immediate problems are over, the teens just want to get a mechanic to fix their car, but an even worse problem arises, the flesh-eating bacteria has somehow passed on to one of them, resulting in paranoia and disease that will lead to a literal bloodbath.

Cabin Fever is a film where one gets the distinct impression that the writer/director is truly an enthusiastic horror fan that wants to pay homage to as many genre classics as possible, while also carving this film its own niche as a scary, funny gorefest. And certainly, director Eli Roth gets much of the film right and has a strong handle when it comes to pacing and dreadful anticipation.

CF is already effective merely because of its premise; the fear of hideous bodily horror is something that probably spooks most of us, I know it has that effect on me. For the most part, Roth plays this for all its worth, we get numerous scenes of the teens trying to avoid touching others who are infected, and lots of scenes of victims vomiting blood and peeling flesh. Disgusting, but undeniably eye-catching and hard to turn away from.

Roth also smartly develops the characters first, which has been a surprisingly growing trend recently (Wrong Turn and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake also attempted to flesh out their characters first). This is not to say we've got full-on, three-dimensional characterizations at work here, but the protagonists are generally likeable, particularly Rider Strong and Jordan Ladd. Hottie Cerina Vincent has the unenviable task of playing the [promiscuous woman], but the role is played with more intelligece than usual, and it's great to see nudity in a time when most slashers shy away from bare flesh (it's too bad one of Cerina's nude scenes is during a particularly uncomfortable moment).

But Cabin Fever is marred with astoundingly idiotic scenes and plot twists and turns. The initial set-up, that of the teens having to deal with the disease, is a great one. But throwing in gun-toting rednecks and a weird kid obsessed with biting people was a bad move. The only logical reason I figure Roth included the backwoods folks was to give the movie a higher bodycount and throw in more opportunities for gruesome mayhem. Sure, the violence is pretty hypnotic in a "wow, I can't believe I just saw that" way that most mainstream big-studio films try to stray away from, but it comes at too much of a cost to the film's initially solid premise.

The whole mess in the film occurs because the sick hermit went to the teens for help. Then we later find out he's actually the cousin of a nearby meat factory worker. Why didn't he just go to her for help instead, especially considering she's already aware of a disease being passed around to the wildlife and is likely familiar with the whereabouts of the local hospital. There are also questions involving who got infected when, but there's enough context clues that it's not particularly bothersome that we don't see the exact moment of infection. We just never find out where the disease originated from, not that it really matters.

Roth's attempts at morbid laughs range from rock solid (the bowling story) to just eye-rollingly ridiculous (Paul's constant mishaps, whether it's a ladder that breaks, murderous rednecks, a dangerous dog, a deer conveniently in the middle of the road, and the local police force). In fact, I'm not even sure if Roth meant for the latter half of the film to even be taken seriously. When you've got a kid with a mullet yelling "pancakes!" and performing half-assed martial arts moves in slow motion, you know something has seriously gone wrong.

Even that doesn't compare to the terrible final scenes, which actually features creepy music accompanying a scene that I think Roth wanted for us to expect another bloody surprise, then suddenly segues into rap music that then abruptly switches to banjo music. I can only say, what the hell? The constant switch of music is bad enough, the scene it goes with is actually even worse.

But for all the mistakes the second half makes, I still had a pretty good time. Cabin Fever is never boring, a rarity in horror these days, and it avoids some cliches that I would have expected in a bigger budget slasher (though given the direction this film takes, I might actually have preferred some of those cliches). Great score by Angelo Badalamenti, too, no surprise there.

Resident Evil is sort of an unbalanced mixture of old-school zombie horror and new-school filmmaking and special effects. Everything about the movie has to be a lot faster (except the zombies themselves, somewhat surprisingly), there has to be martial arts complete with even some wire-fu, and it has slimy monsters that are rendered by CGI, not old-fashioned animatronics. As you can see, I was never particularly won over by the film.

Resident Evil opens in an underground laboratory called "The Hive, a top-secret facility owned by a company called the Umbrella Corporation, situated underneath Raccoon City. One of the lab workers sabotages the place, shutting the power down and unleashing a deadly virus that kills its victims and brings them back as zombies.

We then cut to a cutie naked chick (Milla Jovovich) called Alice, who awakens in a bathtub inside some large mansion; not only is she unclothed, she's also suffering from a mild form of amnesia. Before she can collect her bearings (though she has enough time to put on a dress), an elite military task force barges into the building, taking her and an outsider (Eric Mabius) to the underground facility, directly connected to the mansion. Their mission is to shut down the Red Queen, the computer controlling the lab, but they''ll have to get through flesh-eating zombies and maniacal defense systems to accomplish that.

As directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, the same man who crafted the far superior and terrifically frightening Event Horizon, Resident Evil is unfortunately lacking in much of that film's thrills and chills. Anderson shows an inconsistent hand at staging and filming action sequences; the movie's numerous shootouts and fight scenes are only mildly exciting at best, hampered too often by close-up shots of big guns and expended shells. Worse yet, all the violence is sanitized; there's hardly any blood or gore in this picture.

Actually, what's probably most memorable about the picture as a whole is how maddeningly inconsistent it is in terms of pacing and excitement. For every scene that's fun to watch, there's another that's just plot-stopping, whether it's watching the survivors move from one bland-looking corridor to another, or Milla Jovovich jump-kicking zombie dogs in slow motion, or a computer program tiresomely going over the very simple zombie rules.

There are also some glaring technical faults that I'm surprised were't fixed or edited in post-production, such as an unbearably loud industrial score that blocks out most of the expository dialogue, most of it uttered by Colin Salmon, who if you're familiar with his work, already has a pretty quiet voice that'd be inaudible matched up against anyone else in the cast.

The zombies in this movie are your basic "pale and rotting skin" undead, some with the occasional missing bits of face and flesh. Unfortunately, the zombies in this film have goofy-looking mechanical movements, as if though their joints were so stiff, they could barely show much in the way of mobility. Maybe it's the effects of rigor mortis, but this makes zombies far less enjoyable to observe.

Most of the cast ranges from non-descript to just plain awful. Easily the worst of the bunch is Michelle Rodriguez, whose only distinct trait is a perpetual frown; she's given a lot of macho dialogue, but Jenette Goldstein she is not. Surprisingly, it's Jovovich who stands out as the film's kickass heorine. Sure, she's not much of an actress, but she's got the physical stuff down pat, for the most part. And she's cute enough that I don't mind seeing her in a slinky red dress, as well as a couple of scenes that briefly reveal some of her naughty bits.

Because there's hardly any gore, Resident Evil doesn't really work all that well as a zombie flick. And because it's not scary, horror is out of the question, too. But being a zombie fan, I'm prone to forgiving movies of this ilk simply because I'm pretty easy to please. Resident Evil is a passable enough timewaster, worth a rental, but it's certainly nothing I'll ever give much thought to again.

Compared to the recent spate of zombie horror, Resident Evil might very well be the most lackluster of the bunch. It's never as intriguing or intelligent as 28 Days Later or as marvelously thrilling as the Dawn of the Dead remake and it's never as hilariously enjoyable as the misguided House of the Dead, proving that mediocrity really can be less entertaining than plain awfulness.
** 1/2 out of *****

Not too long ago, I was a rather avid fan of the Spider-Man comics, always anxiously awaiting each month to see what new catastrophe our webbed hero would have to face. I stopped keeping track of the stories after the "clone saga" mess, which is simply one of the worst cases of "overblown" I've ever read. Then I heard news about a Spider-Man movie, which quickly became reality. It was an event I was neither looking forward to nor dreading. Unsurprisingly, it's a movie that I felt neither unbridled enthusiasm for nor utter disdain. It's as middling as mediocre gets.

High school student Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is a nerdy amateur photographer who's bitten by a radioactive spider, consquently being endowed with arachnid-like powers. He has super-strength, can jump great distances, and maybe best of all, he's got a spider-sense that warns him of danger. With these new abilities, his first acts are only thinking of himself, generally trying to make as much money as possible with his strength and agility.

But when Peter's uncle is killed by a robber, he realizes that "with great power comes great responsiblity." Haunted by his uncle's death, he goes about as a crimefighter, dressed in a red and blue costume, calling himself Spider-Man. A new, even more powerful foe called the Green Goblin arrives on the NYC scene, causing a lot of destruction in hopes of...well, that's not really clear. Meanwhile, Peter has to balance out his crimefighting with his personal lives, particularly with Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), a redhead he's got a crush on.

The very core of Spider-Man's biggest problem is its casting. While Willem Dafoe is terrific as Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin and J.K. Simmons is a wonderful J. Jonah Jameson, almost every major character is miscast. Tobey Maguire is a mixed bag as Peter Parker. When he concentrates on the dilemma of the mixed lives he has to juggle on-screen alone (or with Dafoe), he's very good, but comes across totally flat when he actually interacts with his co-stars, particularly James Franco and Kirsten Dunst.

Speaking of Franco and Dunst, how can these two be so charmless and without emotion? Franco does little more than brood, making one wonder why the more chipper Parker would even hang out with such a guy in the first place (Harry Osbourne was different personality-wise in the comics). Kirsten Dunst is the worst bit of comic book-to-film miscasting since George Clooney as Batman. Mary Jane Watson, arguably the most important character in Parker's life, is now little more than a grating redhead who lacks a discernable personality beyond constant superhero doting.

For all that's wrong with the portrayal of those major characters, the origin story is really rather well done. Truth be told, I actually enjoyed this movie quite a bit until Parker suited up as Spider-Man. The character's first CGI appearance is just a total distraction. Perhaps it was unavoidable, but the action scenes look more like cartoons than physical, death-defying showdowns. Unconvincing CGI was probably inevitble, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it.

The movie also blows it in regards to the Green Goblin's motives. True, he initially wanted revenge against the board members that voted against him, but what about after that? Maybe the Goblin aspect of Osbourne's personality is power-hungry, but then again, all the Goblin ever does is blow stuff up. Maybe he just likes to see stuff blow up. If so, that's one of the laziest and lousiest villainous motives I've heard to date.

Truthfully, not every aspect of the movie's central story or the action is as bad as I make it out to be. (moderate spoiler in this sentence) The dichotomy of the hero and villain is fairly interesting and their final mano-a-mano to the death is rather rousing, even if it ends on an idiotic note (was the Goblin trying to intentionally kill himself in the process of killing Spider-Man?)(he didn't have to get up like he did). But damn, those goofy CGI stuntmen and half-bad acting really put a downer on what should have been an exciting and touching summer blockbuster.
** 1/2 out of *****

Arguably Sylvester Stallone's last box office hit (unless you count Cop Land), The Specialist is not the typical Stallone testosterone fest. In fact, it remains a fairly atmospheric thriller revolving around obsession and revenge. But it's not as interesting as it may sound, thanks to the generally lackluster script and mostly unlikeable characters.

Stallone plays Ray Quick, an ex-bomb specialist who works for hire. After the movie's requisite prologue, he's in Miami working for May Munro (Sharon Stone), who wants him to kill three mobsters, especially the head mobster's son, Tomas (Eric Roberts), because they murdered her parents when she was a little girl. Quick contacts her only by phone, they are to never meet, but he's admittedly intrigued by her and vice versa. However, she's actually working for Ned Trent (James Woods), Quick's former colleague who's out for revenge.

Action fans expecting bombastic and over-the-top action sequences should steer clear, this movie will be too sluggish for them. The Specialist has no desire to function as a typical Stallone actioner. There are no large-scale gun battles, fisticuffs, or car chases. In fact, I gather Stallone received the role purely on the basis of his box office clout (and perhaps also his ability to brood and act generally depressed fairly well).

So what is The Specialist, then? Is it a thriller? Yeah, sort of, there are a few suspenseful moments, mostly pertaining to Stallone using his bombs to knock off the mobsters. Surprisingly enough, the twist of having the hero kill the bad guys with explosives (Speed and Blown away came out the same year) works well enough, mostly because the villains' impending doom bears a certain inevitability that plays to the movie's advantage.

But there's little else about the movie worth recommending. The story doesn't make much sense; as soon as it's revealed Roberts' murdered Stone's parents when she was a child, I scratched my head in confusion. He couldn't possibly be more than a year or two older than Stone, meaning he committed the murders when he was about, what, ten or eleven? More likely, it appears the filmmakers are trying to pass off Stone as a twenty-year old bombshell. Sure, Stone looks great (and I do mean great) in this film, but she can't even pass for thirty.

The romance is unsurprisingly perfunctory and generic. As soon as the hero and heroine meet, they almost immediately tear their clothes off and go at it. This is neither romantic nor sexy, even with the undeniably hot Sharon Stone as part of this tryst. I've always kind of liked Stallone, subpar an actor as he may be. He's always had a fairly commandable screen presence, though he has yet to translate that to genuine charisma (which is what puts him considerably behind that other big lug, Arnold Scwarzenegger).

Neither suspenseful nor exciting enough to recommend, The Specialist is of little interest to anyone except for Stallone and Stone fans (and maybe James Wood fans, who will either delight or wince at his maniacally over-the-top performance). I'm still waiting for Stallone to revive his career with a big-budget action blockbuster, but I don't see it happening. Hey, I'm one of the few guys out there who actually liked D-Tox, so I wouldn't necessarily say his career has gone down the drain.
* 1/2 out of *****