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The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands

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My Anna and I have been married 57 years. We enjoy our marriage and our sexual relationship, and both of us detest this book. For instance, the part about a woman (or a man) saying "no" to sex.

Anna and I will never forget an early fight we had when I refused sex because I was too tired from playing softball. But we both learned. Early in our marriage, we both learned that sex is a loving act that requires two ready participants to make it loving fabulous fun. It's a good thing we learned that, too. Anna needed my love and understanding when she had thyroid problems that left her exhausted, irritable, and lowered her sex drive. She was ill and needed to recover. Anna said yes, but later. I needed Anna's love and understanding as I struggled through treatment for prostate problems. I said yes, but later, I hope. I wasn't easy to live with then, either. We were frightened and confused even after diagnoses helped us understand the changes. As we went through these difficulties we weren't irritated that we couldn't meet all of each other's needs, we remained concerned and patient, because there was more to the story of our marriage than physical changes that neither of us fully understood at the time. Today, our marriage remains strong, joyous, and sexually interesting.

Sometimes my needs have been complicated and sometimes they have been simple. The same is true for Anna, although her needs are different. We've shared a full live together, and at times we've faced complicated problems together as does any couple who weathers the "full catastrophe of living." We got to know each other and we're learning more about each other and about life every day, even though we realize with some sadness that our life together is closer to the end than the beginning.

I want to believe the author is a well-meaning woman, but she is misguided. I also find it disturbing that she seems to dismiss her own failures by saying there is more to the story than that, but can't seem to see that there is more to the story of a loving marriage than the simplified disservice she's represented in this book.

Men are not all the same. This book can help women who have a certain kind of men. I know men whose wives did all: cook favorite foods, looked scantily and sexy, did magnificent sex every night, and in the end these men were annoyed rather than happy, went to find variety or someone cooler and "misterious". And on the top called these ex-wives "too emotional", "too clingy", "not serious enough", "not challenging enough" etc.
An advice for the women out there: "Be true to yourself". If he doesn't like, you are not made for each other, period. Get over and try to find someone who really loves you for who you are, instead of pretending to be someone you are not. And also forget about "changing the guy later" thought. I really believe in good matches, not in formulas.

*A man needs to feel strong and needed as a protector for women-basically, to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.
*A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.
*A man needs his wife's encouragement in order to be a man.

Those are just a few examples of what men want, based on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's innumerable letters, e-mails and telephone calls received from frustrated men. "[W]omen get married thinking largely about what their marriage and their men can do for them, and not what they can do for their men," she writes.

Simple truths from a straight-forward woman. For over 25 years, Dr. Laura Schlessinger ("Dr. Laura") has been "preaching, teaching and nagging" on the radio, encouraging men and women to create healthy and stable homes for children. She goes a step further in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, encouraging wives to use their power as women to create happy homes.

This book speaks to the woman who criticizes, neglects or ignores her husband, a basically decent man (not the abuser or the addicted) who is often starved for his wife's attention and affection.

Men are dependent on their wives for their emotional well-being, and want to be loved and appreciated by them, says Dr. Laura, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Men are self-admitted "simple creatures" who are raised by women, marry women and rely on them for a sense of security. Consequently, if the wife is not happy, the home is not happy.

The book will certainly provide more fodder for Dr. Laura's detractors to chew on. The idea of considering your husband's needs above your own is old-fashioned and politically incorrect. The book is bound to draw criticism from a self-centered culture where personal happiness-and not the happiness of others-is the highest priority.

In The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura offers real-life examples from letters and phone call transcripts, as well as practical advice similar to the wise counsel women once received from their mothers and grandmothers on how to keep a happy home. Such advice is also biblical. In Titus 2, older women are instructed to mentor younger women and teach them how to care for their husbands and homes.

"How is it that so many women are angry with men in general yet expect to have a happy life married to one of them?" Dr. Laura asks. She believes the answer lies in the "assault upon, and virtual collapse of, the values of religious morality, modesty, fidelity, chastity, respect for life, and a commitment to family and child rearing."

Another culprit is feminism, which has created much chaos between men and women. This ideology is particularly caustic to marriage. Men and women are different, yet feminism teaches that they are fundamentally the same. As a result, women create strife by heaping unrealistic and unnecessary expectations on their husbands.

What Dr. Laura presents in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is nothing new; it's merely a reminder of something very old. "Contrary to what a good forty years of feminist propaganda has claimed, it is not oppression, subjugation, or abdication of any feminine quality-of-life potential to marry a man, be proud of your bonding, rejoice in your gifts and sacrifices for your marriage and family, and derive pleasure and sustenance from your role as a wife and mother."

I am woman, hear me roar!

© 2004 La Shawn Barber
Originally appeared on Townhall.com.

I've always considered myself somewhat of a feminist and am not a fan of Dr. Laura for various reasons (she's extremely hypocritical). But, I purchased this book planning to take it at face value.

Wow. A number of the points in this book made a lot of sense and were a bit of a slap in the face. Sure, Dr. Laura's a hypocrite - but ignoring that and just reading the words for what they are has helped me ten-fold.

I used to think, "why should I do the housework just because I'm the woman?" It's not about being the woman - it's about what I'm contributing to our relationship. My man works longer hours in a much more stressful job than I. Why is it considered socially demeaning or oppressive (yes, I admit to being one who thought it was) for me to have a health meal on the table when he gets home? If he was home 3 hours before me, I'd hope he'd do the same thing.

Definitely read this book - but take what you want and leave what won't work for you. This book is about showing your husband respect and appreciation. What's so oppressive about that?

In this book, Dr. Laura presents what could be called the "Contemporary Theory of Husbands." She tries to encourage women to cast off the influence of the feminist movement which has fostered feelings that have allowed women to use their time in non-productive men-bashing, rather than in trying to analyze what they really want, and how to get it.

Dr. Laura states the following, "Remember, men are simple creatures and very dependent on their wives for acceptance, approval and affection." Her basic theory being, that if men get that from their wives, their wives will get back many fold, what they give. And also, Dr. Laura wishes that woman would analyze carefully what they have because of their husbands and what they want out of life, and make the decision based on those factors.

While her theory is surely not neo-Freudian or neo-Jungian, it has a very high potential to work in present day marital situations. She stresses the need for honest and meaningful communication. And she tries to point out the reality, that a successful marriage is hard work, and both partners have responsibilities within the relationship.

Dr. Laura simplifies a lot of the problems and answers, but unlike test data in a lab, Dr. Laura's evidence actually comes from empirical field data by helping real people sort these things out on her radio show, and through letters and her other activities.

It should be clearly stated, that Dr. Laura does NOT advocate being a stay at home mom, but she does advocate the concept that women are more responsible for child rearing than men. In addition, she states that the woman should have more responsibility in a marriage than a man, to provide the things that the man wants, and to be the leader in productive and meaningful communication.This is arguable. Both parties really have some responsibility to this in a marital relationship.

I found Dr. Laura's commentary on embryology and "hard wired" genetic differences between men and women, which start at about 8 weeks into gestation in the womb. There is considerable evidence to suggest, that all of us, are born with both male and female "hard-wiring" but the hard wiring that is expressed, is that which is activiated by the particular hormonal mix running through the veins of the specific person. Thus, it has been shown in hundreds or animal studies and now, with transexuality, that if one changes the hormonal balance, that an animal will act in normal programmed ways as would the opposite sex, and that really it is the hormones that control the "hard-wiring" that is selected and displayed, not so much the physical equipment.

Dr. Laura addresses some other highly relevant subjects in her book, perhaps the most important of which in marriage are the issues of "sex" and "guy time." She does a wonderful job of exploring this with support of her listeners conversations and letters.

If there is anything at all that Dr. Laura could have done a little better at, was that I think she went slightly overboard on the concept of "repition brings remembrance." Her book often goes over the same point or concept in multiple places. But I know, that this was intentionally done by Dr. Laura.

In all, the book is a wonderful book for both men and women, as it helps both understand the other, and work at productive and happy marriages.

After being in a very good marriage for almost 24 years, I feel very qualified to say that this book is a bunch of bunk. A relative had it at her house over Christmas when I started reading it. I passed it along to my husband who thought it was sillier than I did.

Both genderes have needs that are sometimes simple and sometimes complex. Both genders need to feel loved and appreciated and admired by their partner. Both genders need the freedom to have some time apart. Both genders need to pay attention to the needs of the other...both sexually and otherwise.

After all these years, we are still each others best friend. We do a lot of fun things together and have rarely fought over the course of our marriage. There has been no manipulation from either of us to the other. If we have a want or a need, we honestly express it. If the need is emotional or physical, the other of us responds to it and tries to satisfy that need. If the desire is for a material item, we decide if it's something that we can afford and then either purchase it, put it on a list for the future and save for it, or we realize it's not within our means and forget about it.

I can't imagine ever providing for my husband's needs with the intent of manipulating him into letting me go on a shopping spree. Do most women really do this? Or even think this is important? Or fun?

Take it from me. If you both truly love each other and if each of you consider each other your best friend, you will naturally do things to please each other and be respectful of and attentive to each other's needs, moods, and desires. A true friend knows when to talk and when to be silent and puts the needs of the other above their own. And if you are both doing this for the other, you will both have your needs fulfilled and will enjoy continuing to fill the other's cup, too. It's not all that hard.

In fact, I've always been amazed when people make comments like "a good marriage requires work." Work? What? We both kind of chuckle at this type of statement. Our marriage has been far too enjoyable and full of fun to have ever been work!!

And just to clarify something, we have also had to weather many storms together. Sometimes finances have been scary and there has been no security due to loss of jobs. Sometimes dealing with the health issues and other problems of our parents have taken their toll. And sometimes our children's needs have left us feeling over-stretched. But we discuss it honestly.

For example, if my husband wants sex and I truly can't give it, I might say something like "I really can't tonight. I'm way too zonked. But I'll make it up to you this weekend." And then I follow through with something he definitely feels it's worth waiting for! There have been times when I've needed more cuddling and affection than he is able to give at the moment and he will make the same type of promise. And then he always comes through with something more romantic and special than I ever needed or asked for...and it was certainly worth the wait.

Don't bother with the book. Just treat each other with respect, love, support each other, and be honest with each other. Laugh and play together. Have many mutually satisfying shared interests and a few unshared interests as a little time apart just makes the time together that much better.

In essence, don't play manipulative games with each other...just play together! Life and marriage is so much better that way.

My grandfather loved Dr. Laura and now I really understand why. She tells is how it is. If you really care about any relationship, do not expect other people to change; the wife is the one who has to! It is wife's additude that has to be re-worked to maintain a lower stress and well running household. My husband agrees with Dr. Laura: men are infinately simple creatures. He really enjoyed listening to this with me. It is an excellent tool to use to open lines of communication with each other. If you're newlyweds, new parents or have been at it for 40 years, there is something everyone can take with them.

I know that others have stated that the book was an attempt to turn women into sex slaves. However, there is only one chapter in the book devoted to sex, and even that has little to do with sex and more to do with treating your husband as you would have him treat you.

I think I can sum up most/all of Dr. Laura's books by saying that she feels it is necessary for both people in a relationship to try to GIVE 100%, so that when one can't give quite as much, there is still more than 100% available for the relationship. If you both give 50%, then at some point, one will not be able to do so, and the relationship will have less than 100%, and will suffer.

I suppose it depends on whether you think a relationship is valuable enough to do what it takes to keep it. If you do, this book will provide examples that will touch most or all of us in some way, of what works, and what doesn't work.

Think of this as an instruction book on marriage. I read this book five years into my marriage and would have had a much easier time of it had I read it before I got married! Much of the mystery of marriage was cleared up for me.
It will definately be my standard wedding gift for others.
Very easy reading.

When I bought this book I was expecting something deep and profound. At first I was a little disappointed and wondered where is the "intellectual meat"? As I finished the book what I did find were simple explanations of basic truths I have personally experienced within married life. A few behavior scenarios written where any reader may see their actions in a new perspective and the control they have to make a positive change in their wellbeing as well as their lovers. One thought-provoking question was "why wouldn't you treat your loved ones with the same decency, concern and manners you would a guest in your home or even a stranger you would meet." The overall "warning" I got from this book was..."We" took the masculinity out of men. It is time "we" put it back. If you are a woman wondering where all the men have gone this is a book for you. If you are a woman cheering the extinction of men I recommend you pass.