countdown boutiques-francophones Learn more scflyout Home All-New Kindle Music Deals Store sports Tools Registry

Customer Reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5 stars
5 star
4 star
3 star
2 star
1 star
Format: Paperback|Change
Price:$12.14+ Free shipping with Amazon Prime
Your rating(Clear)Rate this item

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

on February 6, 2004
I almost died in joy when I read this book. My spouse has been living all his life with his invalidator mom. He is a polite and nice guy but he can't stand on his own. He had to discuss everything with her. When we were married, his mom always tried to control our life and he agreed with her. His mom said things bad to me (in front of me or behind my back) but NEVER in front of her son. Sometimes I told him about all these things, he wouldn't believe me cause 'how can a mom do such a things?' conversation. She is the "1%" Jay describes in his book. And I was the typical 'victim' in his book. I got into car accident cause I was frustrated with my marriage and later I developed a chronic illness. Finally, I had the guts with the support of my family and friends to finally leave the marriage and let him observe his mom's behaviour.
Then one day he went to a bookstore and saw this book. Cause I always called his mom 'nasty' person. So he read and called me right away. Of course he believes a psychologist than me! Then he finally realized that he has been living with bunch of invalidators (his mom and his siblings) and his mom's friends!
After difficult marriage and a separation, I finally feeeellll good and liberated! Of course, Jay's book doesn't tell you to hit the road. I've decided to end the relationship cause it really ate my body away and I'm afrad that I go bitter and pass it on to people subcontiously.
To Jay, thank you very much. Though my marriage didnt work, but at least, my ex now realizes that an invalidator can exist in a sweet person (this happens to be his mom) and he really understood now how I really felt during our marriage.
0Comment| 2 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on January 29, 2004
I bought this book at a store on a whim because I wanted to learn more techniques for dealing with "Nasty People." Instead, it was a book that identified "invalidators" over and over and over. The only definition that I'm left with is: Invalidators are people who make you feel bad. I don't see why there had to be pages upon pages of defining people who, basically, make you feel bad. Especially since, it only takes one sentence.
I was looking for practical examples and suggestions on dealing with nasty people and instead I found an author who seems to have written a vendetta against anyone that has made him feel bad or question himself. I don't care about an author's problems--I do care about an informed person who has tried and true ways of dealing with nasty people.
The last chapter has SOME examples and ways to deal with nasty people, but he says it's up to the reader to find his (or her) own ways. O.K., well then, why did I buy your book? I did give this book two stars because it was an easy read and helped to identify "invalidators."
A suggestion to the author: Rename your book to "Nasty People: How to identify them and gain some knowledge in finding ways to deal with them."
The most disturbing thing about this book is the amount of glorious reviews it has here. In my opinion, it isn't good and I warn readers that you won't be buying a book on how to deal with nasty people, but how to identify them. I suggest that a potential customer shop around on Amazon more before considering buying this book.
0Comment| 2 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on February 8, 2004
Nasty People is a tiny book. It can be read in one sitting.
But unlike the tiny books in gift shops with the superficial advice, fancy typography, and flowery cover design, this book discusses the deep, logical, fundamental principles that motivate nasty people. Jay Carter refers to these people as "Invalidators." Their victims - confused, sad, and enraged - are called the "Invalidated." These people try and use logic to understand the "Invalidator."
Usually, they fail.
Jay then takes an unexpected turn: there is no such thing as an "Invalidator." Rather, there is the mechanism of Invalidation. This separates the person from the mechanism of "Invalidation." When you attach a person to his or her behavior, the resulting resentment eats at you like a relentless cancer. But separate the person from the behavior, and you might have a solution.
He also directs a section to the "Invalidator." Despite the pain "Invalidators" cause, "Invalidators" are written to with respect. And the victims are guided without pity. Despite Jay's detachment, one can't help but feel incensed at past "Invalidators" - as well as the invalidation one may have done to others. It's an unpleasant idea to face. And this is why many "Invalidators" don't even recognize their own nasty behavior. In their eyes, they could never do anything wrong.
Because of this, Jay's solutions to the "Invalidator" are designed for you to maintain your self-respect, without taking the dignity away from the "Invalidator." In addition, Jay wisely recognizes the uniqueness of each individual. Therefore, few exact solutions are offered. Instead, the reader is encouraged to design his or her own resolutions.
Closing with a blunt letter to Invalidation, Nasty People will change how you relate to others forever.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on August 27, 2003
First and foremost, thank you Mr. Carter!! This is a book that that has the ability to completely refocus the "victim". Those who have fallen "victim" to the "nasty people" of the world will be able to clearly describe their characteristics and behaviors after reading this book. Think about the "nasty people" in your life. They are the ones who feel better about themselves by putting others down and those who will criticize, even traumatize by giving and withdrawing attention, affection or their physical presence at whim. Carter provides a very simple, yet complete picture of how to identify the "nasty people" in your life, what the effects of "nasty people" can be and how to change your response to them. His straightforward writing style allows even those who are deepest in denial that they could let others effect them in such "nasty" ways will have to step back and realize the err of their ways. Essentially, Carter's overall message is that "nasty people" have issues themselves, and while we may not be able to change them, we are able to change the way we respond to them. This alone will serve to remove the primary benefit that "nasty people" strive for, and that one thing is power. While Carter's writing is not oozing with major theoretical overtones, it does allow the reader to put things in perspective and close this book feeling a lot more empowered as well as self-appreciating.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on May 21, 2003
Ever wonder why you had so many self-esteem issues. It's because we are surrounded by invalidators. I now recognize when people are invalidating me and I react differently. My children have also faced invalidators (bullies) in school and I am helping them to recognize it and not become a victim to it.
The worst part is I see that I have also been an invalidator (sometimes I still am) but I now recognize it and apologize for my actions.
At first, I was disappointed that I wasn't instructed how to deal with invalidators but as I became more adept at recognizing 'invalidations' I developed my own way of dealing with it. Rather than having a 'script' to memorize, I have thought on my feet, stumbled through it, and actually have become more confident in my dealings with others.
Thank you Jay for respecting your readers enough to know that we could figure it out for ourselves.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on September 27, 2003
The author described my invalidator sibling perfectly - a control freak who cannot stand to be wrong. A real pain in my butt all my life - one who left me feeling less than adequate, who ruined my self confidence, and basically screwed my life up no end (and I am a member of Mensa). Thank you for clearing up what these people are all about - I feel much better now.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on May 17, 2003
Invalidation is one of the most destructive forms of control that can be used upon a person, and J. Carter tells it like it is. Apart from having the training to understand such things he also lost a dear friend who was destroyed, literally, by an invalidator. Buy the book and grow spiritually.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on April 16, 2005
I loved this book. I dropped about 10 pounds of old psychological wieght after reading this book. Along with Nasty Men and Nasty Woman....all great books.
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse
on June 5, 2004
This book is short -- only 100 pages long. It's also written in layman's terms, so it's easy to follow. An easy read that may help you understand that just because you can't specifically point out why you feel bad around a certain person, that doesn't mean it's you who is the problem.
How many of us have felt bad around someone, but could not find a reason why? That's the doing of a skilled manipulator. The term "invalidation," in my opinion, is not a term you find every day. However, it is the very best word to describe this behavior and I'm thrilled that Dr. Carter stresses it in this book.
Reasonably priced, easy read, and it helps you look inside yourself to see if, possibly, you yourself may be invalidating people and not realizing it. I highly recommend this book!
0Comment|Was this review helpful to you?YesNoReport abuse