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Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct

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Dr. Pier Forni is a Professor at Johns Hopkins University who lectures on civility, conducts civility workshops and is the driving force behind his university's Civility Project. In Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, the author condenses much of his learning on this important subject at a time when information is moving faster, much of our interaction is electronic and no longer face to face and economic and social pressures make convenient excuses for forgetting to be polite and considerate of others. He begins with a discussion of what civility means, noting its connection to ethics and how it is at the foundation of good citizenship.

Many of the 25 rules should be fundamental for all of us. They are a throwback to simple lessons which we ought to have learned as children. Things like speaking kindly of others, avoiding gossip and making an effort to include others are examined in light of the norms of the modern world. Some of the other rules relate to what we do with our bodies, including basic hygiene and respecting the personal space of others. The author provides us with a good discussion about respecting the boundaries of others, and of examining our requests and demands on others. He reminds us that civility is something we should carry with us into our workplace, on the road as drivers, when we travel, when we are guests of others and in a variety of other aspects of our lives. It was also a nice inclusion to see the author address the role of civility in the way that we treat our pets and our environment.

While one may jump to the conclusion that a faster paced world results in a less civil one, the author reminds us that there are many ways in which our society has shown significant advances in civility, including in our sensitivity to minorities and our attitudes towards gender equality. He notes that there are still many areas for improvement. He cites the conduct of parents at children's sporting events as one glaring example.

This book is a worthwhile reminder for all of us about what civility means and about how we can all contribute to make it a more civil world. Gandhi said that we should be the change we want to see in the world, and if we wish to live in a more civil world, Dr. Forni provides us with a concise but excellent manual for how to bring about that change.

Read and thoroughly enjoyed CHOOSING CIVILITY by
Dr. P.M. Forni, a professor who teaches civility and Italian
literature at Johns Hopkins University . . . it is a little but
thoughtful book that I strongly recommend to anybody looking to
make life both easier and more enjoyable . . . we all find ourselves surrounded by those we perceive as inconsiderate (never us,of course!) . . . but how can we manage to live with such people?

Forni presents lots of useful examples, as well as advice,
on how to answer that question . . . in addition, he provides
25 rules that readers are urged to at least ponder . . . some
of them are as follows:
Acknowledge others
Be inclusive
Be agreeable
Apologize earnestly and thoughtfully
Avoid personal questions,
Don't shift responsibility and blame

While all these might seem basic, in reality, they
are quite a bit trickier to follow . . . but Forni
got me thinking about them, and that's a good
thing . . . now to actually implement them into
my daily existence, well . . . that's something
I can at least work toward!

There were many memorable passages; among them:
Healthy young men from two Harvard classes of the early
1950s were asked to fill out a questionnaire that would
assess how close they were to their parents. A check of
their medical records 35 years later yielded intriguing data.
One hundred percent of the men who had reported low levels
of closeness to both parents had been diagnosed in the following
years with serious diseases such as heart disease and duodenal
ulcer. Among those who had reported good, warm relationships with both parents only 47 percent had been similarly diagnosed.

A colleague tells me over the telephone that she went to Florida for a vacation. Instead of asking her how her vacation was, I hasten to tell her how I feel about Florida. I quickly add what I like to do when I am there. And finally, I break the fascinating news that I was there two years ago, didn't go last winter, but hope to return the next. The result: my colleague's
experience and feelings get lost completely in my inane
and self-centered rambling.

It's Saturday morning and you are not planning
to go out all day. Do you have to shave? Do you
have to wash your hair? Do you have to wear clean
underwear even if that means doing a load of laundry
because you underwear drawer is empty? Maybe you
want to shave, wash your hair, and wear clean underwear,
because you wouldn't be comfortable otherwise. But
you may need and incentive. If it's hard to do the
grooming just for yourself, do it for those who share
your home. No one will be physically closer to you
for a longer time than your companion, your spouse,
and your family. Make sure that your body care is
such that it adds to their pleasure in being with you.
Let's disabuse ourselves of the rather common
notion that although we are expected to be well
groomed in public, there is nothing wrong with a little
private slovenliness. This is part of a larger assumption
that good manners in general can be forgotten
when we are with those closest to us. On the contrary,
being civil to them is one of the most concrete ways
to show them that we love them.

And, lastly, with respect to how long a visit should be,
I chuckled at his use of Jane Austin's witty observation:
"It was a delightful visit--being much too short."

Various levels of inconsiderate behavior seem to have become daily habits in our goal-oriented society. Whether it's malicious office gossip or road rage, such incivility essentially contributes to decreased personal and professional satisfaction. But in today's fast-paced world, it seems a constant challenge to maintain poise and cordiality in the face of everyday difficulties. With the author's preceding claim that he is a 'flawed messenger bearing a good message', P.M. Forni offers a combination of common sense and ethics which culminate in a rediscovery of strategies to become more sensitive and considerate towards eachother. His thoughtful handbook Choosing Civility is more than a simple manners guide or book of etiquette rules, but an unearthing of the inherent values that somehow got trampled upon in our modern day race towards success. This enjoyable and insightful book is worth anyone's time who values their physiological health, interpersonal relationships, job satisfaction, or company's bottom line.

Psychotherapists often work with clients who, for a variety of reasons, just can't seem to get along with other people. Teachers of psychotherapy work with trainees who are learning how to get along with their clients. Families face questions about how to help things run smoothly and how to help children behave better.

P.M. Forni's small but mighty new reference, Choosing Civility, is the only book I can recommend to all readers. And if readers are open to his insights and willing to do things differently to improve their relationships at home and at work, Choosing Civility may be the only book they'll ever need.

Forni has produced a book that is at once smart yet accessible to a wide audience. It is full of concrete examples and personal anecdotes, and it is written in a warm, engaging tone that is usually impossible for academics to achieve.

Though it will eventually appear effortless, civility requires work - conscious effort guided by vision and perseverance. We "make" nice after all, but the practice of civility, as Forni's well-sourced text reveals, is the royal road to health and happiness. Not only is civility the path to personal contentment and connection, but it's good for business too. Often, nice guys do finish first.

We have been led astray into thinking that it is somehow more honest to be in touch with our feelings and blurt out whatever comes to mind to whomever we encounter rather than seeing training in etiquette as being training in sensitivity. Civility encourages strength and assertiveness, and it helps us find the tools to say the right thing at the right time to the right person, not everything to anyone. Civility will help people speak freely, not intemperately or abusively.

Choosing Civility offers many valuable relationship management strategies. Everything about relationships, in psychotherapy and beyond, is knowable. Choosing Civility is the ideal companion while we risk reaching out to our preferred visions of the future and ourselves.

Choosing Civility is a much-needed book. The world that we live in seems to have lost touch with the things that are truly important: connection, friendship and loyalty. These things are all acheivable through one simple concept: civility.

PM Forni's book is simple and straightforward. I was worried that, because of the academic background that I found in his biography, the book might be too difficult and cerebral. Fortunately, the writing is concise and accessible; witty and fresh, so the concepts Forni puts forward are easy to understand and implement. This isn't to say, though, that the book is trivial. There is some serious research behind the writing, and the author seems to be very passionate about his subject.

Choosing Civility is a wonderful book to read, and the message is important. A definite winner!

I discovered this book after watching a documentary on Civility in the Workplace. Normally, I am not persuaded by ettiquette books because it feels like some ettiquette books have a competitive edge to it (i.e how to look better than others,etc.) But this book was exactly what I needed to help address the rudeness that is so pervasive in work, schools, the public,etc. It really does remind people how to be kind to one another! LOVE IT! A must read and a must keep for anyone's book collection-not to mention apply to one's life on a daily basis.

Great read. I wish this was taught in grade schools. I saw the author on Oprah and was very impressed with this man. I have put choosing civility in motion in my life and I feel more at peace than ever before. It is a practice worth doing if you wish a more productive and certainly a more peacefull life. All my relationships have improved dramatically. I highly recommend this book.

Dr. Forni addresses a root problem in our ailing society: civility is on the wane. Scads of people act rudely, crudely and indifferently without hesitation; it's as automatic to them as eating and breathing. Forni gives us 25 thoughtful rules of conduct to become a civilized person and by reading them, allow us to take a hard look at ourselves to make sure we are not part of this burgeoning incivility problem.

Forni also comments on different aspects of civility: why is it in such short supply? He hits the nail on the head: we all "live among strangers." Incivility is much safer when we are dishing out rudeness to someone we do not know. Indeed, if we know someone, it may stop our rudeness in our tracks (as Forni conveys in an amusing way).

All that said, I hope the book comes out in a second edition, with the following improvements:

* Dr. Forni's text occassionally sounds too eriudite and scholarly. Much of the book avoids this textbookish tone, but not all. I am sure Forni would readily agree we want as many people as possible from all walks of life to pick up this book and read it cover to cover!

* The book is strong on how to be civil, but light on advice on how to deal with incivility. (Sadly, the clods out there who desperately NEED to read this book won't.) Forni observes that one need not be a doormat with a uncivil person, but rather convey firmness in a civil way. Exactly how one can effectively convey such firmness in the face of uncivilized behavior is not sufficiently answered in this book.

All in all, Forni fills a gaping void by addressing the issue of incivility in our society. As Forni states, good manners make for better quality lives. For that reason alone, anyone should be willing to give civility a chance.

I think this book is long overdue. Dr. Forni does an excellent job explaining why civility is important to everyone.
I can't say enough great things about this book.
Definitely read it and give it to your friends, family, and coworkers to read!!

This is a wonderfully compact and concise volume that constructively considers the reasons behind contemporary society's loss of civility, chronicles the reasons for and benefits of adopting a more civil code of behavior, and offers twenty-five sensible rules of well-mannered and thoughtful conduct. I have met and corresponded with the author, a humanities professor at Johns Hopkins University, on a few occasions, and he is most definitely a gentleman in the the most civilized definition of the word. Put this useful and well-written book on your shelf next to those time-honored Post, Martin, and Vanderbilt tomes.