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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Read
I have been counselling women in abusive relationships for 11 years. Our program does have a lending library and recently ordered this book. It is by far the best book on abusive relationships written for not only survivors of abusive relationships, but also for secondary survivors (family,friends, co-workers), therapists and the general public.
It explains the...
Published on Feb. 24 2006 by Envision Counselling & Support...

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11 of 15 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars This book is biased and harmful
I come from an abusive family, in which my father was violently abusive toward my mother, myself and my siblings. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive, extremely manipulative and oftentimes cruel. Yet because my father's behaviour was explicit and my mother's more subtle, he was labeled as the scapegoat 'abuser' by society and she was treated as pure and...
Published on Aug. 8 2011 by Sam Iam


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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An eye-opener, Sept. 23 2013
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This review is from: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
This book was informative and gave me insight into these negative behaviours.
It opened my eyes into the oftentimes hopeless changes in some men who are caught up in these behaviours and the damage that results.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Helpful, April 12 2014
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This review is from: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
I would recommend this book to Everyone. To truly understand the confusion, cycle and ultimate sadness that results from abusiveness this book is necessary. It explains why abuse happens and why the behaviour usually doesn't change (why change it when there are so many benefits for the abuser). All lawyers should read this too, how can the cycle of abuse end when "the system" doesn't acknowledge the severity of these situations?
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars It was my best friend and counsel in the weeks leading up to ..., July 29 2014
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I charged my ex after he escalated in his behaviour last weekend and choked me several times, threatened to push me out a 6th floor window. Run if your guy exhibits the traits mentioned in this book. Lundy knows his stuff. It was my best friend and counsel in the weeks leading up to his escalated and near deadly behaviour. Best help in understanding partner abusers by far. Even just to dispel the myths about them - a must read.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Give a 3 dimensional picture of the abusive wo/man, June 29 2004
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
This book in unbelievably thorough in creating a clear and dimensional picture of an abusive wo/man. The victim will understand that the abuser KNOWS the what and why of his/her actions and therefore has a CHOICE over his/her actions. If there is CHOICE, then there is consequence and accountability. (The abuser doesn't accept this due to his/her grandiose sense of self-entitlement.) The book will help the victim clear up his/her experiences, give warning signs, and give guidelines as to whether an abuser is changing. (For the abuser to change requires a great sacrifice for him/her that, as Lundy explains, changes in abusers are quite rare. It is only possible for those abusers who see that they will have a deeper and greater life if they are willing to give up their artificial sense of power.) In the end, the victim will own a perception of him/herself free of the definitions imposed by the abuser. Instead, the reader/victim will see the abuser's behavior seperate from any cause which the victim "invoked". The abuser is tyrannical by choice, therefore, nothing that the victim does "causes" the behavior. Victims need to arm themselves with the knowledge in this book so as to be able to look at the abusiveness as the cause and the problem within itself.
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5.0 out of 5 stars All of your questions will be answered with this book., Feb. 25 2004
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
If you are looking for a book to help explain emotional abuse, THIS IS IT. This book is unique in many ways, but perhaps the most helpful to me is when he mentions that marriage counseling will not and does not deal with is the emotional abusiveness of your partner. I am not discrediting marriage counselors, just that this is a whole new ball park, and I'm sad to say, this is the only book I've come across (and I've read a lot) that gets down to the REAL reason "why he does that". Please read this book. If this problem exists for you, you will find relief in the essence: "I could never put a name to what he's doing that makes growth in our relationship impossible. NOW I can put a name to it".
It explains in detail the many "personalities" an emotional abuser may adapt. One may apply or all may apply to the person in question. The most important aspect of this book for me, was, I now have the confidence and knowledge in an area that an abuser most definately and absolutely does not want you to know about him. This is the bible of all books tackling emotional abuse. Arm yourself with the knowledge and insight you will get from reading this book. Quite a feat, Mr. Bancroft. Thank you!
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5.0 out of 5 stars Simply a MUST read!, Aug. 17 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That (Hardcover)
I have just finished reading (most of) this book. As a "self-help" book, this book is very user friendly and easy to read. I actually started with chapter 5, then 14, then started at the beginning and worked my way through. It is set up to allow easy access to the information that is most pertinent to your needs--quickly. The author uses language that is at a comfortable reading level and he manages to convey--throughout the book, support, compassion, and encouragement for the women everywhere who are living with angry and/or controlling men.
On a more personal level, I cannot begin to describe the feelings swirling inside of me at this moment. As I read, the lightbulbs in my head just kept coming on; the real situation in my life just kept getting more and more clear (a nice change!). The book is simply stunning; I am unable to think of a better way to describe it. I was stunned over and over, but clearly see the truth in what the author is saying--especially as I look back over the past few years from this new vantage point.
If you are living with someone who is often (usually unexpectedly) angry at you and seems to want everything done his way...if you are beginning to doubt your perceptions of reality in the relationship, if it sometimes seems like your relationship is spinning out of control and you don't know why, if you find yourself working harder and harder to "fix" the relationship to no avail...if your partner has ever touched you in any way you didn't like, if you've ever wondered if you are in an abusive relationship...get this book. Hide it if you have to, have it sent to a friend's house even, but read this book.
If you love someone you suspect may be in this type of relationship, read this book--especially note the chapter about creating an abuse free world. This chapter gives wonderful, practical advice about what you can, and cannot, do to help.
Thank you to the author for his wonderful insights into the realities of these men and for his compassionate approach to the subject.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, very informative, Aug. 6 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That (Hardcover)
I absolutely love this book. It has helped me to see the truth about my relationship with my husband.
One of the things which I like most about this book is that it's written by a man. The author has worked with abusive men, and he knows what he's writing about. He's very straightforward. The included lists are very helpful--myths about abusers, abusive attitudes, warning signs, etc. The "safety plan" for leaving the abuser is particularly helpful. The steps which an abuser must take to actually change is also included.
This book is very good at describing what abuse IS. For example, grabbing, restraining, blocking your path, threatening physical harm (even if he doesn't actually carry out the threat) is physical abuse. These are all things which my husband has done. It is such a relief to know that someone has actually labelled these behaviors as abuse. (Although, at the same time, it's frightening to discover the awful truth, when I realize that my husband is, in fact, abusive.)
I recommend this book to all women who feel they are being abused. I also highly recommend it to therapists--I think it should be required reading for all of them.
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5.0 out of 5 stars A very poignant explanation of controlling men - please read, March 2 2003
By 
K. Owens (MN United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
This review is from: Why Does He Do That (Hardcover)
Lundy Bancroft has captured within this book the heart of one of the biggest problems being involved with abusive and controlling men - the constant and neverending struggle to understand why he can be so cruel when he swears he loves so much. It is at times a very painful read, especially when Mr. Bancroft tackles all the myths women have relied upon to rationalize and somehow justify or downplay the abuse. He has de-mystified these types of men and has explained the source of their actions and mindset with a clarity that can be as frightening as it is freeing. You will not find one excuse you've ever used to justify an abusive partner's treatment that isn't addressed in this book and shown for what it truly is. If you are, or even think you might be in an abusive relationship, or trying to recover from one, this book is an absolute must read. In fact, I would even recommend getting it in hardback; it will become your bible of liberation from the crazymaking created from being involved with an angry and controlling man.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Exceptional Insights, Compassionate Support, Jan. 23 2003
This review is from: Why Does He Do That (Hardcover)
This book stands out as an exceptionally compassionate, understanding, insightful look into controlling relationships and the men who operate them. Lundy Bancroft's writing is clear and well-organized, and always full of compassion for the women who, like myself, are or have been unfortunate enough to be involved with these men.
Over the years I have read a number of books on this subject trying to understand why these men act the way they do. This book finally and fully illuminates the mind of this type of man. Not an easy read for those of us who have lived it, but absolutely necessary. Every page rings true, very painfully at times, but also very healing.
I have read some excellent and helpful books, but this one finally reached into my soul and disabused me of the idea that controllers do their damage unwittingly. The author's compassion and respect for women is evident throughout and is both touching and strengthening. The clarity he brings to what constitutes a man truly desiring to change is invaluable. I urge anyone trying to "work it out" with a controller to read this book NOW.
I HIGHLY recommend this book and wish it were required reading for every judge who deals with divorce, PFA's, and child custody issues. Perhaps one day it shall be.
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5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read, Oct. 9 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That (Hardcover)
For anyone who has tried and tried and tried to either understand, make peace with, or HOPE an angry/controlling man will CHANGE... YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.... Reading this book has started me on a path to being in charge of my own life for the first time in many years. This book is clear and concise yet its message is very powerful. Angry and Controlling men are very very difficult to live with and almost impossible to change--why should they??--they almost ALWAYS get what they want one way or another. Their sense of entitlemant and almost total lack of empathy makes them very poor choices for a loving and respectful relationshp. The author addresses the dynamics of living with an angry and controlling man in a honest, direct manner borne of a lot of experience. It is easy to read, understand and; unfortunately for some of us, easy to identify with.
Reading this book is very affirming and validating to women who live with and endure someone who is angry and controlling.
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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - Sept. 2 2003)
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