Customer Reviews

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

5 star:		(42)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is a very candid book, and one that has been needed for a long time. To look in to a difficult subject, domestic abuse-violence and speak to the masses that need to hear and need to know.
Recommending: NIGHTMARES ECHO and LITTLE PRISONER

After 10 years in an abusive relationship, this book openend up my eyes like no other ever book has. Lundy is a master in explaining what an abusive man does. I am very grateful for this book and his work with men. Thank you Lundy. I recommend this book to everyone who feels abused or unhappy in their relationship. After reading this book I finally understood what had happend to me, why my relationship to my ex-husband (who I still love but choose not to be with)was not good for me because of his abuse. I thought we had a communication problem, but that was not true! He was out to have power over me, that was all. Once I understood what his game is, it was also very important for me to understand why I choose a man that is not capable of true loving, and why I got involved with him. I found that he was a reflection of what I felt about myself. Therefore I recommend you read a book on co-dependency as well. After all - it takes two to tango! I realized I could not blame him for who he was, I had see why I choose him. I pray that I will find a man who is truly capable of loving and respecting me, and that my beloved ex-husband will understand and overcome his pain as well.

I have been in a marriage less than four years, but it has been up, and down, back and forth the entire time. I kept thinking there is something I could do, something I could say... ANYTHING to help our relationship. All of my time and energy was being drained by my controlling and abusive, and yes, even Cheating husband!! Lundy Bancroft clearly states the 10 signs to look for, to see if he is truly changing. Mine did the first couple.. and then just as Mr. Bancroft mentions will happen, held onto his own sense of entitlement and refused to change any further. Why? Because he thought he could get away with it again! Without this book I would have stayed thinking he was trying to change. NOt anymore! With this book, I could see the abuser needs to take 10 full steps to change and become non controlling!! My Abuser still didn't allow me to be angry at him when he hurt me. Bancroft states that most abusers won't do this. My Abuser still didn't make me his true partner and equal. He acted like giving me just a teeny bit was more than fair, and expected me to believe his point of view. Because of this book I could clearly see that the small changes My husband was making were just that.. Small! And not what is needed for a healthy and real change. Bancroft also states the best way to get an abuser to change is to leave for awhile.. And then if you decide to go back, and he acts controlling again, leave again for a much longer time. It is true, most abusers won't change. I am divorcing my husband after giving him many chances to change and treat me better. This book has been a great relief... I highly recommend it. It says that abusers are not unable to change, they are unwilling to. That pretty much hits the nail on the head!

When someone is a victim of chronic abuse, they inevitably end up doubting themselves. The abuser takes advantage of this by invading the victim's identity. He tries to replace her reality with his. He creates countless misconceptions to get her to doubt herself. He keeps her mentally and emotionally off-balance and maintains control more easily in this way.
In my personal experience, perhaps the most upsetting aspect of abuse is how society adopts the abuser's perspective. There are many people that inadvertently perpetuate the abuser's arguments. Just because "he's the father of your children," or "you made a vow: 'til death do you part," does not entitle him to be abusive. Society needs to hold the abuser accountable. If someone takes a neutral stand, they are basically supporting the abuser and abandoning the victim. Everyone should remember that most abusers almost never "seems like the type."
The abuser quickly learns how to manipulate those that his partner might turn to for support, including the legal system. His objective is to prevent her from getting help, while concurrently striving to avoid accountability. His distorted reality sounds very plausible to those not well versed with the inner workings of an abusive mentality.
If the legal system fails to hold abusers accountable, the abuse and violence will escalate. No woman or their children should have to live the life of the abuse victim. Abuse is a problem that can be solved. As a society, we need to become more educated about what it takes to make an abuser stop. Because the abuser's primary weapon is the distortion of the life and mind of his partner, the answer is to help her re-orient her thinking towards herself and her children.
We can all make a significant positive impact on an abuse victim if we simply are the total opposite of what the abuser is: we must be non-judgmental, non-critical, supportive, and consistent. An abuse-free world is so full of potential. Everyone can play a role in ending abuse. A good place to start is by reading this book to learn about the excuses and myths that abusive men have used as armor and ammunition for too long.

REFERENCE
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

I'm glad she did. Reading this book has answered so many questions I've had about my abusive husband's actions. How could it be that he loves me so much and yet treat me more like he despises me? How can he be so wonderful, charming, charismatic and abusive? Why does he verbally shred me to bits if I don't comply with his orders? Why does he have to bark orders, can't he understand that asking is much more effective? Why do I have so much fear?

Although I've been separated from my husband for 5 months now, I've been waffling back and forth between feeling like we can work this out and wanting to finalize the divorce. Then I read this book. The more I read, the more I understood and the less I wanted to reconcile. Now I see how lucky I am that I managed to get out safely (with the help of family and a restraining order).

If you are in an abusive relationship or think you might be, get this book. It might be wise to not let him know you have it. Even if you sit in a library or bookstore and just read the descriptions in Chapter 4, it will be helpful.

I have been involved in treating and researching spouse abuse since 1982. Not only have I conducted my own research in this field but I have reviewed most of the research published on spouse abuse treatment programs. While many treatments are somewhat effective, nowhere have I seen addressed the core cognitions that drive and perpetuate the aggressor's behavior in the partnership until now. The author has clearly laid out the thoughts and behaviors of the abuser in a way that is helpful not only to partners but also to professionals who have little experience in this area or who have inadvertently committed the errors that the author describes. By far the best book I have read on the subject.

I just want to echo all the positive reviews that have gone before. It is undoubtedly the best, most comprehensive book on abuse there is. No one would be wasting their money on this. It's a fascinating read even if you feel you have no reason to take an interest.

However, it is yet another book that seems to assume that it's always men doing the abusing. The author does comment on the fact that there are many men suffering abuse at the hands of their female partners, although, unfortunately, he then completely ignores this until a male reader, like myself, may actually start feeling guilty for simply being a man. I have no doubt that the abuse of women is a bigger issue within relationships, but this doesn't mean that men's suffering should be ignored. The author seems to imply that if there are some serious problems in a relationship, it's probably because the man is abusive. Why? Well, because he's a man.

Lundy says of abusive relationships between gay women that it is often difficult to determine who is the abuser and who is the victim. Why? Because there is no man to instantly blame? I was in an abusive relationship with a woman for two years and I recognise and feel validated by so much of what is described in this book. Much of it, namely the violence side of things, doesn't apply, but that's not to say it wasn't a horrible mind-bending experience for me. There were points in this book where I actually started doubting myself again, wondering if, being the man, I was the cause of the problems. Those are exactly the kind of thoughts that I need to rid myself of if I am ever going to fully recover. I'm a man, and was abused by a woman.

This book by Bancroft is a must for any woman who has survived hell with a man or is in the middle of it and is looking for answers. It is wonderful to hear a man say that is wasn't all in your head...it is the way "he" operates. I would recommend it with all 5 stars.

This is an excellent resource for women who feel that they are in an abusive relationship. It was reassuring that the author recognized that abuse comes in other forms than just physical. I have been in a verbally/emotionally abuse relationship and this really helped me recognize the signs, mentality, and reasoning for the abuse. I felt like I was living in uncertainty prior to reading this book as I didn't really know if my spouse was abusive or not. However, after reading "Why Does He do That?", I felt a lot more empowered and confident now that I have the knowledge to do what's right for me. This book has all of the answers and is a must-read!

Wow!!!
This book had every example of behaviors exhibited by my mother's abusive husband!

It was recommended to me at a Family Violence Seminar. It identifies abusive behaviors, why some women won't leave the abuser, what they can do if they are being abuse, how to get out of the abusive situation and what to do if you are a friend or family member of someone being abused.

It won't solve your problems and it won't help you change the abusers behavior but it will educate you on what to look for and a little bit about what to do in this type of situation.

Good luck to all of you who are needing this book right now.