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on February 23, 1999
I was disappointed in this book. Granted there was some solid useful advice: That you should show by word and deed how much you truly love your ex and put your own neediness on hold; use positive visualization; don't grovel or argue. My problem is that all such useful advice is presented in a general and abstract fashion, whereas the material that is concrete and specific is severely limited in application. For example, almost all of the couples in the case histories are already seeing one another regularly for dinner and a movie. But Dr. Harris offers no real advice on how to get to that point! What if you are not regularly seeing your ex at work or school or for "catch up dates?" There is an extremely limited chapter at the end, almost like an afterthought, on "Dealing With A Resistant Lover," that needs to be expanded! If your lover isn't "resistant," you don't need this book in the first place. A big chapter up front, on "Sex With Your Ex" seems largely gratuitous. If nothing else, the placement and weight given to these two subjects should be reversed. I'm anxious to try out the good stuff I learned from Dr. Harris. I just wish he had told me how to get close enough to my ex to do that. Sorry, but his advice to send cards and/or gifts at Christmas and birthdays doesn't quite cut it.
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on November 16, 2003
I stumbled across this book at a local bookstore after I had broken off a relationship.
Although I was pretty embarrassed to be seen buying this gaudy-looking number I quickly found out it was just what the doc had ordered: I had ended a relationship (won't go into details here) but realized that I really had made a stupid mistake; yet, I somehow felt too prideful to try and get my relationship back. Working with this book helped give me the courage to go for it without feeling I somehow was going to lose face in my attempt, which was a big issue for me.
I'm not saying that had I not seen this book that I wouldn't have attempted to get my guy back -- yes, a lot of the book's advice seems to be common sense -- but Dr. Harris' supportive writing style helped give me the backbone to start ASAP by giving me the recipe to apply my efforts effectively and efficiently, instead of letting me potentially stumble and fumble through the process. Via this book I felt encouraged all along the way and gained confidence in my relationship skills.
Just as important, I am grateful to have felt that I had someone in my corner, cheering me on. Harris has a lot of wisdom about relationships in general that will keep me on track with my guy, with whom I couldn't be happier. This book was well worth the investment -- especially since it took so little of my time to read it -- for the results that I have gotten.
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on March 9, 2003
I started this book last night, and as I get into the 'nitty-gritty' of how to get my lover back, I am a thousand times more hopeful than I was before I started reading it. Blase Harris really captures the loneliness and despair of losing the love of your life, but seems also to be documenting the steps I've taken already, since I broke up with my lover a month ago today. He writes, "There is a...very parctical, crucially important reason for getting a lover back. If you don't learn how to make a relationship work, then when? Finding another fish in the sea is not good enough...So long as you and your ex-lover are alive, your relationship is not dead". This gives me the inspiration to continue, and Harris seems certain to help me find the ways and the words to make it happen.
The book is worth reading, if only for the excellent plot summary of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
The title, and rather flamboyant cover of this paperback edition is a little off-putting though.
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on January 1, 2002
When my relationship soured, I was very frustrated trying to get help from counselors (influenced by 12 step programs) who only talked to me about my co-dependency, and "What was wrong with me that I wanted my partner back?" When I was really in a lot of pain, I could hear them thinking "Oh no!, Not another couple who got together without realizing how screwed up they were! Got to get them apart!" Although it's true that both my lover and I had plenty of areas to where we need to grow, we had a lot of good things going for us too, and I was pleased to find an approach which allowed me to use my strengths to improve the areas where I was weak in the relationship. I've never been convinced that wanting to work on a relationship always co-dependency. Stephan Levine, John Welwood, Gail and Hugh Prather, Barry and Joyce Vissel and others all speak of a relationship can be a path of awakening, and all would agree, I think, that there are times when one person has to carry the relationship. This book shows how to do that.
What I liked best about this book is that the author's ideas allowed me to take an *active* approach to untangling the knots in my relationship. The approach gave me something to do -- internal work on myself which made a difference in my relationship. It was not about bugging my partner.
I bought the book when I read in chapter 1 where the author wrote "A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity for growth." You don't hear that much from anyone. (And that's the way I felt, not that I just wanted to cling to my lover.If I was clinging, I wanted to stop.) And in chapter 2, "Loving 100% to Get Your Lover Back," I really enjoyed reading the author's working definition of love: "the active care and concern for the life and growth of another human being." And yes, my favorite chapter was chapter 9, "Dealing with the Resistant Lover," where the author use of many real life examples seems to bring the writing alive. Yes, my lover was resistant, and yes, I do think this chapter would be good to expand.
I don't fully agree with the March 29, 1999 reader from Irving, Texas. He says the book advises practicing "positive visualization." No. It doesn't say visualization. It says practice creating positive moments. Visualization is only one technique which might help, and the book mentions that only briefly. It rather says work on creating loving moments with your beloved, even if your beloved hates you right now. It may be true that this book doesn't tell you specifically what to do when your partner gets involved in a long term relationship with someone else and they can't or won't tell you what's going on, but I felt that the books encouragement to create positive moments covered that scenario by extension. In other words, you could, if you really wanted to, try to get your lover back if they are in a long term relationship with someone else, it would just be a matter of being very careful to maximize your opportunities to create positive moments. (But if your partner was really happy in that relationship, does loving them 100% include trying to pry them out of a situation they are happy with? That's the question.)
The July 22, 2000 reader from USA might be right when she says that the book will attract love addicts, but one of the major points of the book is to show that "addiction" to love (is addiction to Love really possible? - Charlotte Kasl, a major figure in the co-dependency movement, refutes that idea in her book Woman, Sex, and Addiction) really doesn't work. Making a pest of your self doesn't work. Smothering doesn't work. Failing to love your own self and failing keeping your energy up doesn't work. Love is defined in this book as showing your partner "active care and concern" and keeping your neediness out of the way while you try to create positive, intimate moments. Only 100% pure love, including loving your self, allows you to create such moments.
I feel it is one of the few books which has some practical techniques about how to prevent your relationship from becoming another statistic in the 50%+ divorce rate. (I don't object to divorce necessarily, by why is it so many of us are getting up and saying "'til death do us part," when we can't seem to live up to it?) This book helped me understand what goes wrong when people get intimate and gave me ideas about what "one person can do to get the two of you back together." Maybe you can't change your partner, but you can keep an eye out for your own reactive patterns. (Watching out that you don't step into your partner's stuff doesn't hurt neither.)
Amazon has an interview with the author at .....
I've heard that this author is working on several other books, including one called Radical Intimacy: How to Dance in Tune with Your Own Life Force, and also that he has recently recorded a "book on tape" version of How to Get Your Lover Back.
I found a web site about this book, ...... Apparently the author also runs a retreat or something someplace in Hawaii where he helps people with their relationships.
- ....
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on July 22, 2000
This book was written by and for the typical obnoxious man who takes his woman for granted until she finally ups and leaves. Since the type of woman who tends to be with a neglectful man in the first place is love-addicted, it's not that hard for a man in this situation to get her back by "loving 100%" as the book suggests. Since he was loving-not-at-all previously, this is generally impressive. The man will tend to go back to his old neglectful ways after he "wins", and the book takes pains to caution against this.
Unfortunately, this book will tend to attract female (and male) love addicts rather than the male avoidance addicts (to use Pia Mellody's terms) to which its geared, and thankfully the author realizes this. He takes pains to distinguish between the craving of need and excessive dependency versus real love. He even provides self-tests that will highlight love addiction, and counsels against even trying to get your lover back if you are struggling with this problem.
As a woman in recovery from love addiction, I did find the book to be helpful, though I do not believe that it will help me to get my lover back. My situation is different from the author's situation and his sample cases in the book. My ex-lover didn't leave me because I was neglecting him. He left me because I was falling all over him, trying too hard, and smothering him with my need. I don't think anything on earth can empower me to get my lover back, and the sooner I know this the better.
I found the book helpful because of how strongly it counseled again doing anything incompatible with dignity and self-respect--even when faced with your ex-lover's new lover--and I needed to hear that. I may have lost him, but I don't want to lose myself, as well. I will have occasion to see him tonight, which is why I bought the book, and I will consider the evening a success if I manage to smile and behave with self-respect and integrity. I don't want him to read fear, longing, and misery in my face when he sees me, and that's the way it's been for the last year. I think my ex-lover may be "impaired", as the author terms it, in his ability to love (as I was when I was with him), so sadly I don't think I can expect him to come back to me, no matter what I do. But if I can stop acting so pitiful around him, that in itself will feel like a home run to me.
I hope that desperate love addicts don't take this book as encouragement to stalk their ex-lovers. I recommend that anyone who reads this book also read the book "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward. Sending flowers and gifts to an ex-lover who says s/he is no longer interested is an extremely bad idea. In the book "Getting Your Lover Back", the ex-lovers were obviously still interested--they accepted dates with their ex-partners. If your ex-lover says she or he does not want to see you or hear from you, respect his or her wishes. To do otherwise is stalking, not loving.
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on January 20, 2000
I didn't really believe this book, as I am typically a cynic, but it wasn't expensive, and considering my typical overwhelming and incessant thoughts of my ex recently, reading in general proved to be immensely helpful, so I bought it. What it did was give me a peace of mind, because I thought it described so accurately my feelings in the wake of the dissolution of my relationship. In fact, it was so precise in describing my thoughts and actions during this aftermath, I was constantly laughing at my crazy acts as of late thinking "does this guy Harris know me?". Beyond that insight, which was great in itself, it shows you that the feelings you want to express to someone you have lost can rarely be expressed in the appropriate manner because you are constantly having emotional meltdowns over them. While my goal hasn't been attained (yet), it boosts your self-confidence enough to realize your feelings and understand that the situation usually becomes exacerbated due to solely to you (as the one rejected). It teaches you to be calm down, look at the goal as a priority and suppress the ugly, needy, and noxious emotions that won't get you anywhere. It even parallels the state one is in during a breakup to that of a substance/alcohol user. I.e., like AA teaches to users before having a drink, you need to think about the ramifications. In this scenario, you need to think your thoughts through before you act. It helps you, to say it colloquially, to "be cool", and to show your affection for another (your ex at the moment) through a self-assuredness that perhaps hadn't really existed in your recent attempts to fix the mess you are in. It effectively helps peel away the insecure and unattractive veneer you have inadvertantly masked yourself with. I didn't give it 5 stars, because I don't want to mislead anyone; it may not work. But it does show you what NOT to do if you are ever to get anywhere. Buy it, it feels good to read if you are (like I was) suffering from a "lack of control" in reaching the goal of showing someone you love that in fact you do really love them.
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on October 10, 1999
Don't be fooled by the cheesy title at all. I was, but luckily, instead of sneaky gimmicks, I found a book that taught one principal idea - if you can and do love your ex 100%, you will want to do what is best for him/her, which is ultimately to give them love, space, and time. This is an invaluable lesson in giving to others, not always putting yourself first. It's a lesson you can apply anywhere, and not only made me want to use it on my ex, but my friends and family as well. Of course, it doesn't work for everyone. What do you do when your ex truly tires of you, and falls out of love? But if in your relationship, there was love, Dr. Harris gives you hope that there IS something you can do - love your lover with all your heart, and things will work out for the best. The greatest thing about this book is that no one loses in the end. There could have been more specifics in the book, though. There was a lot of rambling and no defined clear-cut answers. In a time of despair like we are in, blunt solutions are all we want to hear!
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on March 29, 1999
Read this book in the "spirit" in which it was meant - to make a buck! What this book fails to do is address when you must move on with your life after you've practiced 100% loving techniques and positive visualization without any results (i.e. these strategies don't always work). A year ago, my beloved walked out of my life and upon advice from a friend, I read and re-read this book, and practiced the techniques in the book to no avail. How do you deal with requesting to spend time together, yet your "beloved" always cancels at the last minute due to some "emergency" and says they will call later, but doesn't? Or when they get involved in a long-term relationship with someone else, but can't seem to tell you that is what is going on? This book doesn't really address dealing with recurring passive-aggressive behavior over a period of time. And, no matter how honestly you state your feelings, there is still an air of "manipulation". You can learn from this book, but don't rely too heavily on it.
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on May 25, 1999
I found this book helpful when I was reeling from a breakup last year. I didn't get my lover back, but I was able to share some mutually nice moments with him; originally there was not a lot to the relationship. What this book did do was to gently teach me how to actually love someone and in the process I have also learned why it didn't work out that time. His "packaging" through the somewhat vague anecdotes worked for me as a way to distinguish my own neediness from the actual love that I was feeling--they were not the same, but both were present. His ideas about looking at literature and film in order to understand common relationship processes were fruitful for me; I could read/view his suggestions and make my own analysis. The tone of his writing was very supportive and his ability to empathize with the perspective of the spurned lover helped me to believe what he was saying--and thus to take some of his medicine.
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on December 25, 2001
The techniques in this book are nothing short of amazing.
I personally used the fundamentals in this book and was not only surprised that they did indeed work, but how FAST they worked!
Blase Harris tells you exactly how to employ simple yet powerful techniques that are VERY effective. I wish I had learned them sooner. Even if 'a new person' (aka competition) is in the picture, you can use ugly situations like this to your advantage.
If you have the dicipline to properly apply what's presented in the book (like keeping your emotions at bay and dealing with lonliness), you almost can't help but succeed.
The procedures for winning your lover also work very well for 'budding' romances. You'll learn things that you'd probably never figure out on your own, like the "Creating pleasant moments" and "The fine art of the loving take-away".
This book is a bargain at ten times the price!
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