Customer Reviews

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

As a previous reviewer said, the couples interviewed were above average means and I did not see any discussion on finances or money. [however, I hopped around a bit in the book]

I've read (oops, don't know where...) that money is a frequent cause of divorce. Were all these couples above average means? That doesn't sound like a true representative sampling.

Perhaps that's a minor point, but in my own marriage of 21 years, money issues have been quite challenging at times. I'd like to hear how other couples resolved those problems.

On the other hand, the book offers the promise that there are still good marriages out there. That the words "happy marriage" are not oxymoronic.

And it's always interesting to take a peak into the lives of someone else, with the high goal of learning how to improve your own situation.

Rose

What caught my eye about this ingrossing and captivating book began on page 20 where the author is describing a variety of couples she has interviewed for her study and that while each of them is unique and in some place 180 opposite is that "I realized then that each of these marriages was a different world, a sovereign country unto itself. Rather than a single archetype of happy marriage, I found many different kinds. Like a richly detailed tapestry, each relationship was woven from strands of love, friendship, sexual fulfillment, nurture, protection, emotional security, economic responsibility, and co-parenting. But the patterns in the marital weave varied, and gradually I began to see several distinctive types. I learned that at the heart of any good marriage is a core relationship created out of the conscious and unconcisous fit of the partners needs and wishes. This core reflects what each partner wants and expects from the other -- expectations influenced by relationships that begin in infancy, childhood, and adolescence but are ultimately shaped within marriage", or what the author and I agree are core loves, likes and can live with.

And I simply loved reading about all the different couples, varied challenges and successes and failures that didn't make the marriages fall a part. Simply a wonderful book.

The authors bring a rather unusual perspective to the study of marriage -- rather than examining how it has failed or is failing, they examine how marriage can succeed. The book provides a commendable example of a study focusing on success instead of failure. The authors first define a successful marriage, then discuss nine principles common to any good marriage and use several couples as case studies to illustrate and personalize these principles. The book uses a rather small, homogenous, and politically incorrect sample -- nearly all couples were selected by the authors and were lily-white, heterosexual, reasonably honest and cheerful Americans. Of course, many ground-breaking and valid scientific studies have successfully used such small, homogenous and politically incorrect cohorts. The book is not a cross-cultural study, an historical analysis, or a "how-to" guide for "making marriage work," and those whose marriages are in trouble may not find this book much of a substitute for self-analysis or competent counseling.

Since history began, in nearly all societies, marriage has successfully survived despite never-ending pressures from those who have sought to abolish, revolutionize, over-idealize, or trivialize it. Marriage has proven flexible, durable, and critically important to individuals and to societies. Nevertheless, individuals and societies should frequently re-examine and re-explore marriage if they are to gain the most benefits from it -- marriage and success are verbs as well as nouns. Marriage and the family certainly need attentive examination today, since they remain under tremendous stresses from those who wish to change (or destroy) them and from forces causing them to fail at an increasing rate.

The authors have given us a fine example of such an examination. They write remarkably well (no surprise, given Ms Blakeslee's wonderful columns in the NY Times Science Section, which first drew me to this book). They relate how marriage can be enriching, empowering, dynamic, transformative, redemptive, and positive (I found myself cheering on one of the subjects whose marriage succeeded despite enormous psychological problems dating from his childhood). As the husband of a wife whose parents had a successful marriage, as the child of a successful marriage, and as a member of a thirty-three year old successful marriage, I found the principles outlined in this book to be reasonably accurate and helpful. No book could be the last word, but this one is a fine place to start.

I strongly recommend this book to single people wondering what kind of mate would really be best for them. Ignore those dating manuals and read about the real thing -- the day-to-day relationship that has to be maintained after the wedding. As a woman, I found it fascinating to read so many men's accounts of marriage: how much they love and need their wives, how much a good relationship means to them. Most of us grew up thinking of blissful romance as the only model for marriage, but Wallerstein carefully shows that marriages take many forms. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

When we came upon this book, both my husband and I were in the middle of painful, long, stretched-out divorces. We made the decision to read the book together, yet independently. It was one of the best decisions we ever made. The insights gained from these pages literally pulled us through some very trying times. We both absolutely loved it! Judith Wallerstein is a wise, compassionate woman. After reading the book, both my husband and I understood (too late, unfortunately) why our first marriages hadn't worked out. Neither one of our marriages had the romantic component.
We've been together now for 6 years, and ours is definitely the "romance" marriage. What a difference! This is our second marriage for both of us, but we are determined to succeed this time. So far, excellent! We highly recommend this book to anyone considering marriage. It is important for any young couple to become aware of the consequences of not properly separating from their family of origin. A couple needs to form a new family unit without undue interference from parents.
We feel that what the book shows best is that the success of a couple's relationship has more to do with how strong a "we" they form than any other factor. Neither my husband nor I had a strong "we" in our first marriage. We also both had lousy sex lives. It was reassuring to realize that other happy couples felt that sex within a loving marital relationship is the best sex there is. We agree.

Judith Wallerstein picks a few couples from her study to illustrate their unique ways of coping and loving in a marriage. I found her book to be intriguing and supportive of different kinds of love and needs in a relationship. I would recommend it! Easy to read and very interesting!

Every couple can build a good marriage! It is a valuable book for those getting married as well as for couples that have been married for long time. With wife we use the structure of developmental phases from this book as a framework for lectures that we give at "Precana", a short course for couples getting married with the main message:You can make your marriage work,These are the steps.

I think the best thing I got out of this book was the notion that happy marriages are not the exclusive domain of people who had happy, carefree childhoods. Wallerstein's message that the love two people experience in a marriage can be a healing, transforming love was a very hopeful message for those who come from broken and/or abusive homes. I also thought the characteristics of a happy marriage were nicely elucidated by the stories of the real-life couples, their good times, trials and tribulations.

I was very pleased with this book. I felt like it was pretty much right on. I am one of those in a companionate marriage, that has tettered on divorce a couple of times. It has been very difficult keeping it together. The most desireable of marriages and it seemed the most happy was the romantic catogory of Marriage. If I ever decide to leave this marriage after 30 yrs, that will be the type I will look for in a relationship. Too much emotional emptiness in the compantionate marriage.

I experience my midlife crisis which can potential end up in divorce. The author describe marital problem in the first 100 pages as if she describes my OWN problems (and my wife's) For example: one must loosen the tie with your parents to perserve one's own marriage.

Another thing that I learn from friends who marry for 15 years or more and from this book is that--no lasting marriage is a fairy tale, all have problems. Differences between lasting marriage and divorce is that one must identify and solve problems before they get out of control

Well researched, packed with practical facts, and easy to read book. Recommend without reservation