Customer Reviews

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes

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4 star:		(1)
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I have an admission: I can't process Duke Robinson's book as fast as I would like. That's because it contains vast insight into how we would-be nice folk trip over ourselves. So, I'm reading it slowly and taking time for reflection.

But I'm also trying new behaviors that the author suggests. For example, I've started saying "I'll have to get back to you" when my own reactivity kicks in. A simple suggestion, almost common sense. But it helps preserve important relationships and gives me time to come up with a calm, healing response.

If you feel a need to be perfect, if you lose yourself into other people's problems, if you sputter in the face of ambush, if you have trouble saying what you want, this book is for you. It offers practical, down-to-earth, doable ideas that work.

But be warned: the author will help you envision the climb toward more authentic niceness, and he will provide some handholds. But the work will be up to you. If you're like me, you will find his suggestions difficult to pull off. But the effort will be worthwhile.

I really only have three words for this awesome, life-healing book: OH. MY. GOD.
I never realized until recently how deeply my so-called niceness was hurting me, absolutely draining me. It's as if I've gone through my entire life (until now) thinking solely of others, in order not to be rejected, abandoned, dis-vaildated. I supress my anger, and do all the other mistakes that are mentioned in the book. Needless to say, my stress levels have been over the top, trying so damn hard not to step on someone else's toes! Well, no more. I am done with apologizing for existing on this earth, and Mr. Robinson is giving me the validation and the confidence I need to move forward in the healthiest of ways! I thank you, sir, from the bottom of my heart. You have facilitated a major change in my life, and I am beyond grateful to you. I highly recomend this book, and I do not believe that 5 stars are quite enough to rate it. Read it, and change your life's approach.

Here's what I wrote before when this was in hardback only:

This book opened my eyes to a lot of important insights into how my
"niceness" has undercut my integrity and effectiveness as a person. I'm impressed with
the substance and clarity with which it's written, and especially the fact
that I couldn't find any "psychobabble." I'm also impressed with the balance of
theoretical understanding and practical information. It's been of tremendous
help to me. I cannot recommend it too highly.

I was recently interviewing for a job and was called in for EIGHT interviews.
The stress was on! Duke helped me to see the big picture, to focus on what I
wanted and needed, and not be bogged down with needless baggage that some of
us "nice" people carry with us.

This book has helped me with personal relationships at home and with friends,
has refocused my attention to my communication methods so that I use clear
and succinct wording, and it has helped me see that nice guys can finish first.

Thanks, Duke. The book is great!

And now that it's been in paperback for a while, everyone should own a copy. Get it now before you are manipulated by your own actions.

It is a wonderful book. It helped me to overcome problems that life throws at me without turning into a mean person.

This is a wonderful book containing a lot of sound advice. However, there are times when I feel that the `new' approach is still `too nice', i.e., the balance of power in the interaction still tips in favour of the other person. For example, if you are afraid to tell the truth because of a fear of adverse reaction, could you really say, as recommended, `I am afraid to tell you what I really think, you will tell our friends. Maybe I shouldn't worry about that, but I do'? I certainly know of a number of people who would actively seek to win trust in order to deceive and get the upper hand, and by saying this I could be handing power over to a ruthless manipulator. Having said this, the book examines many difficult situations, and it does make us consider many options that we might not have previously realised were available. There is a lot of highly insightful discussion, and the situations discussed will ring bells all the time.

The term `too nice' probably means `afraid of causing trouble', which equates to being unassertive and trying to please everybody. I know that I've been in this bracket of people, and it is a zone that needs escaping. The approach in this book is one of going outside your comfort zone little by little in order to gain confidence; a safe and proven course to take, and a course endorsed by counsellors worldwide, so I thoroughly recommend this book.

But there is a second approach. These problems basically amount to a fear of rejection, which is usually a lack of confidence caused by limited social skill. In addition to extending our comfort zones we can learn all about how people work, and we can develop our own behaviours through learning more about human behaviour in general. There is often some character we know to be unpleasant, and yet s/he is immensely popular and might even possess leadership qualities. Why? How? The answer is simple; they know something we don't know.

Well, I didn't know, but finally, after years of study, I've come up with some answers. I've written these answers down in a workbook for you, so that, through reading and then working through the questions, you too can develop a deep understanding of the sorts of things going on. I suggest that by finding out what these less nice people are doing, you too can take control of interactions any time you feel it is appropriate. The book will tell you what other people are doing to make you behave as you do, and once you know this, not only will you be able to stop yourself doing what you do, but also you will have their repertoire of behaviour available to you should you choose to use it.

I'll edit in: I had written the name of my book, but unfortunately on other sites a reviewer found this politically incorrect, so I've deleted it. If you like the sound of what I've written, you will find the book title on my profile page. My book offers a different, but entirely complementary approach to the 'too nice' problem - an approach of learning new skills as well as extending personal boundaries. I say with conviction that this book and my book form a very useful combination that could transform someone's life. Meanwhile, google fallacies, then google presuppositions and maybe check out the angelfire site (not connected with me), maybe also look at In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People or The Sociopath Next Door. These are a few useful directions to look into.

This is a great little book that helps you recognise when your own "giving" behaviour isn't really helpful to you or the people that you love. It gives you effective, simple tools to change the patterns that you had no idea that you were a part of, to break the cycle, and to look after yourself well, without hurting others.
I lost my copy once and re-purchased it, because I found it that helpful.

How oft we create a wave to spell trouble with our own perfections being true and honest with good faith and intentions? We take on too much not saying what we want and that's exactly what the book reveals - the niceness mistakes that 'Damage' us! Unconsciously, we have planted strong messages in the back of our minds and with good intentions by our mentors, follow the moral code of conducts in life. Be good, be nice, be cool, share and care, don't be selfish, be reasonable, don't hurt others, help friends, say yes and so on. In real, trying to reach perfection and taking on too much lead us to exhaustion and sooner or later the ship of our life start sinking. The author gives an insight to the nine unconscious mistakes we often make daily and helps us correct them and pulls a person out of frustration and stress. In not saying what you want and taking on too much, it leads to suppressed anger. Robinson provides healthy tips to express anger to orchestrate a balanced life. Life itself is like riding a bike up and down roads that are bumpy, curvy, hilly while juggling bananas, balloons and bowling balls says Robinson and so this is when you have a fall, life needs balancing back to pedal and steer with too much/too little, too rational/too emotional, to fast/too slow, too cautious/too reckless, too strong/too weak, etc. and remain upright empowering to get what you need and deserve. Irony is, sometimes our niceness betrays us and this book is a key to understanding our mistakes and bring about a 'change' in us. Robinson makes us a nicer person making one realise the mistakes, why we make and how to give up. In doing so, Robinson guides in:

1. Liberating from the bondage of other's expectations
2. Saying no and saving work overloads
3. Telling what we want and analyze what we receive is worth or not
4. Express anger that heal and maintain relationships too.
5. Face irrationality and criticism
6. Tell truth to friends when they fail us
7. Care for others but do no burden own trying to run their lives.
8. In pain and grief, feel competent enough

A change is always welcome even for the nice to be nicer and avoid the mistakes that we keep making out of the blue. Our good intentions turn out to be damn-in-way for others who often misunderstand or shrug off not appreciating your worth as human being. This book is indeed a gem collection for every person who has learned to live being 'Nice' and remain being so without being emotionally hung up sometimes. Good Pick!

I originally wrote the below review 3 years ago when the book was released. As fate should have it, I 'lived' my review. Specifically, the book helped me through a death of an important person in my life as well as make good decisions about my personal behavior. Please 're-read' my review and buy this book.
4/2000: Reading "Good Intentions" evoked feelings similar to those when I first read Emerson's "Self Reliance" in college. The power of the book comes from reading in print what I have experienced, fell prey to, and have had similar thoughts on in the areas of personal relationships, anger and trying to always do the "right" thing. The pleasure of the read is having my own inner-examination verified and examined in an easy to read manner. I found the sections on anger and reasoning with irrationality excellent reference guides for healthy management of these (nearly) everyday occurrences. This book will be kept on my shelf as a reference book for life. Thanks for writing it Duke!

Being "nice" isn't always as good as it look!
Always being "nice" looks so good from the outside, but oh, the pain that is there inside. Duke Robinson's touching book guides you through simple, yet challanging steps to relieve that pain forever. My first intention was to read this book as a self-help guide in learning how to deal with my mistakes. I found my "niceness" in many chapters and immediately began trying some of the suggested changes. They do work and I feel better! Being a believer that continuing education is a lifelong process, I want to share this book with others. Using the author's study guides, I plan to introduce "Good Intentions" to an adult study group at my church.

It had never occurred to me - could I sometimes be too nice toward other people? I didn't think my wife would agree! She's always wanted nothing but "niceness" from me!! But reading this book by Duke Robinson convinced me that not only was I wrong but so was my wife.

The author focuses on nine "mistakes" we "nice people" make in interpersonal relationships - e.g. giving advice - and he does so with candor, helpful examples, and suggestive ways toward behaviors that are both "nice" and psychologically healthy. My trying some has even convinced my wife!!

Thanks, Duke, for some good advice - plain and simple. I can't say you saved our marriage - that's pretty secure - but you have helped us reduce the tensions that sometimes arise from my being "too nice for my own good."