Customer Reviews

Intimate Connections

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This book change my life Thanks to David Burn

Until several years ago I was relatively shy, and bounced form relationship to relationship. I had a hard time meeting people I liked. The people I did go out with wasted my time.

Then I read this book and did exactly what it said. After several months following the steps in the book, my love-life took off like a flaming rocket. I went out with a different girl every week. I have since gone on to marry, and I enjoy a great relationship with my wife.

Look, I'm not selling the book, but it is one of the texts that have changed my life. If you actually do what the book says, your love-life will change for the better also. I've seen the love-lifes of a couple of friends that I reccomended the book to take off as well.

Dr. Burns finds great ways of taking psychological insight and making it practical and very applicable to anyone. After reading this book I can be alone without feeling lonely. I also greatly enhanced my interpersonal relations as well as I gained insight to my own thoughts and behavior.

I read this book a few years ago during a major dry spell in my love life. It literally opened my eyes, and the result has been more confidence (and romance)! You'll find lots of great psychological insights here, ready to be put into action in your own life. This book is about love, and I LOVED this book. Read it yourself and watch your love life take off!

This book takes a pretty direct approach to dealing with loneliness and dating. A few parts may seem a bit sexist and dated but it was written over two decades ago. Most of it still remains relevant though including the CBT exercises and learning to be comfortable with being alone before you can be comfortable around others. Much of the same ideas and exercises are seen in Feeling Good by David Burns but this book focuses more on relationships. If you are feeling lonely a lot or as if life is no good without a partner, then check out this book.

This is a great book for learning how to find a love partner.But this book is like most of David Burn`s books in that it requires some work on the part of the reader to change deeply-entrenched behaviors and attitudes in themselves.If you are willing to do this,the book will help you a great deal.This book shows you that you dont have to necessarily change the person you are,but that you do have to change the way you appear to people.In other words,your posture,your appearance,hygiene,the way you carry yourself.These factors are vital to making yourself appealing to the opposite sex.Before I read this book,I was an absolute slob and a geek.Now,I have enough confidence in my appearance and value as a person to approach females that I`m attracted to and score with them!

Burns' book "Intimate Connections" based on the same cognitive behavior techniques as in "Intimate Connections" did wonders for my dating life.

Sure, it didn't help me find the "ideal compatible mate" for right away. No book could ever do that, and that's not a fair criticism. And to be honest, Burns never onced claimed that his books would help you find the "perfect" mate or indeed perfect anything for that matter.

But CBT helped me to get out there in the dating arena, to not do the things that were self sabotaging and helped me to become more like the person I'd always dreamed of being both in dating and non dating scenarios. And lets face it: you first have to be able to GET dates before you ever stand a prayer of finding an ideal "compatible" mate. To sit around moping that you won't do something until it's "perfect" or be with someone unless they're "perfect" is pretty unrealistic to put it mildly. But it's perhaps explained by what follows:

Burns cites a study in Intimate Connections that showed how depressed people share a trait in common, although to a lesser degree, with the schizophrenic: Both groups tend to not see reality as realistically as the non-depressed and non-schizophrenic. Thus depressed people tend to discount the positives in life about themselves and the world and see things as being much more hopeless and futile than non depressed individuals.

So the point is, if you're depressed and your first impulse is to say that CBT is a bunch of rubbish before you've even given it a try then you may be a victim of those very distorted perceptions that depression causes. Thus you may be depriving yourself of the very thing that might help you.

Consider this: For all you might gain, it seems a very small price to pay indeed: To risk less than eight dollars and possibly have your righteous indignation proven utterly false if you initially scoffed at CBT. To any reasonable person that sounds like NO risk at all.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who expect happiness to be handed to them on a silver platter and those who make it happen. Unlike like kooky new age books and dubious pop psych. books that overflow in the self-help sections of book stores, this book is actually based on nearly 30 years of rigorous scientific research that has shown cognitive behavior therapy to be at times even more effective than antidepressant drugs. You cannot argue with science, period.

Some have criticized this book because it insulted their sensibilities; that it presented a scientific view of love, happiness and dating success that is contrary to how they think these things "should" be merely based on second hand opinions, TV movies and mindless talk shows; and Harlequin novels.

Sure, quite often a certain amount of "game playing" is necessary at first in dating. Some dates, for whatever reason, really do test their prospective partners to see how confident and self assured they are, and if you fail their tests then you're outta there. Some may not like to hear that; but that's simply just the way it is. Live with it. You can either do what you've always done and get the same results, or you can read this book and maybe discover how to literally change your world by changing your heart and mind.

This book teaches you what attitudes and behaviors you may have had in the past that were counter productive and how to change them so that you'll be more knowledgeable, confident and successful in the dating world.

It literally teaches you how to empirically prove for yourself that happiness truly literally does come from within, and that simply parroting such happiness phrases without the congruent state of heart and mind within is like reading a book on the piano playing and then claiming that you're a pianist.

So if you truly wish to improve you dating life, set aside whatever overly sensitive sensibilities and preconceived ideas you may have about how dating and romance life "should be" and GET OVER IT! Assume that you know nothing about dating and simply do everything this book tells you to do. Treat it like a scientific experiment, for that's exactly what it is.

Sure, everybody has an opinion, but without empiricism opinions are mere irrelevant armchair philosophizing. Do the work and observe the results then YOU can be the one to speak with authority. All it will cost you is less than ten dollars and a few months of your time. If it doesn't work in your case then you've lost a little money and time, but just imagine how wonderful it could be if it does work. Don't you think you're worth enough for the possiblity to gain so much for such a relatively small expense of time and money?

This book is intended for shy and lonely individuals. It focuses on the psychological background of loneliness, shyness and how to make connections with other people. Other aspects of flirting and dating are mentioned (e.g. how to dress, how to initiate a conversation), but not after the reader is familiar with his often distorted thinking processes.
The message is clear: first, you have to really love and accept yourself. Then, you can proceed to getting to know other people more intimately. The book also deals with the not so pleasant aspects of relationships: rejections and fears. Lots of exercises show the reader how to deal with these and other problems.
By and large, a recommendable book!

David D. Burns, M.D., has been a Clinical Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine since 1995, the same school where he received his M.D. degree in the 1970's. From 1975 to 1995, Dr. Burns served on the clinical faculty of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian Medical Center of the University of Pennsylvania Health System. He has also written: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy; The Feeling Good Handbook; and Ten Days to Self-Esteem. He teaches workshops for the public and continuing-education seminars for mental health professionals. He was recently featured in a 90-minute nationally televised PBS program on depression entitled "Feeling Good"....

Though this book is primarily directed at single people struggling to find a compatible mate, I also found it very useful, even though I am happily married, for two major reasons: (a) Loneliness. Dr. Burns believes that loneliness is not a function of who you are with, or not with, but arises out of not treating yourself well and enjoying your own company. Thus, even people who are blessed with a wonderful mate can get lonely from time to time. Dr. Burns shows you how to head off loneliness at its source by building your self-esteem through the technique of treating yourself with care and respect. People who treat themselves badly not only feel badly about themselves, they get very needy. When you are needy, you tend to become very self-centered, and other people very naturally shy away from that. Who wants to be with someone who is clinging to you out of desperation rather than unselfish, generous interest and affection? (b) Distorted Thinking. Dr. Burns says that the way we interpret the actions of the people around us affects how happy or unhappy we are--and how successful we are in getting and keeping close relationships. He provides many simple, practical suggestions for changing negative, irrational thinking so that we can prevent depression, anxiety and general misery both inside ourselves and within our relationships.

I highly recommend this insightful, practical book to people in every type of relationship situation, whether unhappily alone, unhappily together, or happily together and wanting to keep it that way. Dr. Burns's advice can help fix or prevent any relationship problems you might have.