Customer Reviews

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

5 star:		(46)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Gottman debunks the pop-psychology theories and goes for the facts. His books are GREAT for those of us too cynical to swallow the latest relationsip fad, or for those too rational to believe we're all born into a box we can't get out of.

Gottman's approach is practical, sensible, and open to all types of people and all types of relationships. You don't have to give up who you are or try to make your marriage look like someone else's. Just start with simple steps to do more of what works to help your relationship, and begin to recognize what you might want to do less.

Best of all, it's all backed by science! Gottman doesn't just preach his assumptions and opinions. He's actually studied real people for three decades, and he has great examples of how similar signs of hope or problems show up in situations and people that may seem very different.

Even my husband, phobic of psychology, was willing to talk about the ideas in this book. There is no higher praise.

I just bought this book today (and read the whole thing already!) My partner and I are going though some issues - we know we want to work things out, we know that our communication skills while fighting are lacking, we just need to understand how to deal with the issues at hand more effectively. Everything I read in this book makes sense and makes me look at how we deal with conflict in a new light. I always thought that I was well versed in dealing with conflicts, but as it turns out, I'm not as good as what I thought and my words and actions have not helped the situation much. It's also nice to read a book that is very optimistic and that doesn't conclude to the couple going through therapy. I have new hope that due to our deep friendship, that we can endure anything.

I beleive that this book is a good read even if you're not in a relationship. You can learn a lot about yourself :)

As a relationship and romance author, speaker, and coach I read a lot of books about dating, marriage, and romance. "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" is one of my top 10 favorites. The seven principles identified through Gottman's research are powerful and when coupled with the exercises that are included you get practical tools to strengthen your marriage.

The first two chapters give you an insight into where the book is coming from. The information gleened from the Seattle Love Lab gives you hope for a successful marriage and identifies key warning signs for trouble in your relationship.

The next seven chapters cover the principles in depth with skill building exercises to enhance your proficiency in each area. First is building a foundation with "Love Maps." Next is developing a compassion and caring with "Fondness and Admiration." Chapter 5 focuses on creating an intimate relationship by looking to your partner for help, support, and answers. Giving a higher value and priority to your partner follows allowing you to be influenced by them. The next three chapters cover problems in the marriage and how to handle them. Work, money, in-laws, [physical attraction], housework, and a new baby are the big six areas of conflict. Some problems are solvable and some not. How you handle the conflict is key. Next the book covers"Overcoming Gridlock" or creating a dialogue and point of acceptance for unsolvable problems. The final chapter is really about creating a shared vision for the marriage and the future of it.

The benefits of marriage are well documented; longer life, more money, healthier children, and better [physical activity]. "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" gives you a practical guide for achieving those benefits, and more!

I loved this book, but am afraid it may be a bit misleading to the average couple. The book identifies things which are common to successful marriages, and offers great exercises for each principle. It is easy to read and understand and I highly recommend it.

However, I do have concerns that the author denigrates marriage counseling so often. I agree with him that communication is not always the key to successful relationships, but a good therapist will help the couple to use good communication while also creating a better relationship based on these principles. John Gottman conducts very important research into marriage relationships, and understanding the principles of a strong marriage is important. However, if the average couple were to take this book as a "to-do" list, it would not necessarily create a good marriage. These principles need to have belief and passion supporting them, the principles alone are not enough.

I highly recommend this book as a resource for integrating with other relationship resources.

I have been married for 13 years and have been with my spouse for 16 years and our marriage has survived her discovering she was lesbian and me facing that I was transsexual. As a happily married person (yes, we're still married even though I am legally a woman today), an author (Chi Gung: Chinese Healing, Energy, and Natural Magick by L.V. Carnie), and a Two-Spirit Shaman, I have devoted my life since a near-death incident at the age of five to learning to pay attention to others and to help whenever I could. Today, I spend about 20 hours a day healing and sometimes even literally saving the lives of plants, animals, and people in crisis situations and even though that would seem to stress a marriage, we have found that we work as a team by using the principles I now see revealed in this wonderful book such as paying attention to the little details.

I highly suggest anybody interested in improving their marriage or preparing for marriage to read this book. Sure, I just read it now, but the very things that I have done to make my marriage successful are the things mentioned in this incredible book.

It seems as if there is a gluttony of books that want to oversimplify complex processes (marriage, family, and parenting). Just look at many of the top sellers. You will see things like Seven Principles, Step-by-Step Plans, The Ultimate this and that. I am a marriage and family therapist and previewed The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work as a potential resource for the couples I work with. Sure, the principles are sound and they are common knowledge (nothing new here), but the depth detail is lacking. This falls into the category of one of those fad books that are fun to read but unlikely to result in healthy long term benefit. I think, and this is often an un-politically correct statement, we should avoid those easy answers and dare to explore the complexities that are associated with success. There are few books on the market that I think do this well. Compare "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" to another book like "Systemic Parenting: An Exploration of the Parenting Big Picture" and you will see what I'm talking about. Systemic Parenting is both entertaining and deals with the depth of the subject. I think I would rather recommend the latter book to the couples that come into my office than the former. Don't let the name fool you, Systemic Parenting is about relationships and it is probably one of the most detailed books out there. I would forgo The Seven Principles unless you are looking for entertaining, but empty information.
Kay

Whether you`re newlyweds or have been married for 15 years,this book will make your relationship with your spouse closer and more satisfying.A truely different approach here,much better than that "men are from mars,women are from venus" hogwash.

It really open my eyes and help me to understand what failed in my relationship with my husband. I recomend this book wether you think you have problems in your marriage or not.

After the cliche-ridden obviousness of "Women are From Venus," the research-based work of John Gottman is welcome relief.

I credit this book with repairing the marital difficulties my husband and I faced up until a couple of years ago. Since studying Gottman's research I've been motivated to change my own behavior, and I've been gratified to find that my husband's behavior changed in response.

Can there be a higher recommendation? Nope, my husband didn't belong in his Men-are-from-Mars cave. He belonged in our marriage. Now he's there, because I quit chasing him into the cave!

Actually, I'm not sure *what* I expected. I guess I figured I'd hear more of the same ~ that a failing marriage is all about communication. I feared the advice in this book would be vague at best, but I gave it a shot (thanks Amazon reviewers), and now I'm grateful to have found it.

His first two chapters explain his findings after studying real life couples and how they interact. I found reading about other couples' arguments eye opening, as I sometimes saw myself in them. Being the objective observer in these cases allowed me to consider my own approach to arguments with my husband and instantly see how I unintentionally made things worse. The chapter "How I Predict Divorce" is especially helpfull. Our approach to an argument makes all the difference in the world, and it's so much more than "I understand what you're saying, but..." Gottman points out specific mistakes we all make that, over time, will chip away at the foundation of the relationship.

Gottman reminds us, though, that learning how to fight isn't going to single handedly save the marriage. The rest of the book is dedicated to how couples behave when they aren't fighting. Are you really, truly friends? Do you honestly know what's important to one another? Do you influence each other in a positive way? Questions like these force us to examine our relationship in depth. He includes exercises in each chapter (I haven't done these personally...right now, I'm the only one who's reading up on marriage and conflict) to hammer home the point. Honestly, I liked this book so much, I'd be interested in doing some of the exercises, but I'm not so sure my husband would. Let me put it this way...we aren't in the same place yet.

I highly recommend this book. I love the fact that Gottman can take his findings and share them with the reader in plain English. His approach is just right: informative and to the point.