Customer Reviews

Keeping The Love You Find

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
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Have you ever wrestled with youself when you want to call a girlfriend for the fifth time in a day? Ever immediately think that when someone doesn't answer the phone or return a call immediately, that something is falling apart in the relationship or that they are leaving you? Do you over-try to make someone like you? How about the flip side of this... do you run for cover if a relationship gets to close? Do you become more cold or callous towards your partner the warmer they become toward you?

I was always a hold-out on getting therapy until I had a second affair on my wife. At that point, the pattern of things I was doing became very obvious, but I didn't understand why I kept wanting to make sure I had an escape route from my relationships.

On the advice of my counselor, I went to pick up "Getting the Love You Want" guide for couples, but I also picked up this book as I felt it focused more on the individual. It made sense to me that if I didn't straighten myself out, how could I work on a relationship. I've thoroughly enjoyed working through this book (about 1/3 though so far) and it's written in a way that, for me, sparks thoughts constantly. I've noticed much more about myself than I ever did before and I feel like I'm getting the understanding I need so that I can move forward in being able to be in a mutually healthy relationship. Even in the beginning 1/3 of the book, I now see that the kind of person I marry (twice) and the kind of person I had an affair with (twice as I said before) are quite different from each other but EXTREMELY consistant to the other in their category. But I also see consistancy throughout all the people involved as well.

The excercises should be done slowly, if you breeze through them you can't be very serious about working out the issues as most require honest exploration and consideration.

All in all, I'm quite pleased with this book and the new experience of learning something about myself. In many ways, I've felt I've gotten as much from this book as I have my therapy, though I think the balance of having a third party to talk to is very beneficial as well. I've liked this so much, I've seriously considered going to one of the workshops.

Edit: I wanted to add, I have found it helpful later in the book to keep a journal as often, the reading has triggered thoughts, questions and revelations that I wanted to remember for myself as well as discuss with my counselor.

Further, this book has been terrific in pointing out the type of people I'm attracted to, and why. This kind of information is instrumental in development and maturing in present or furture relations.

As a survivor of domestic violence myself, I am extremely sensitive to this issue. Hendrix handles this very complex subject with incredible poise and balance. No, he does not blame the victim. However, he does look at the dynamics of the relationship and how that may have contributed to an atmosphere of violence. He does not say you should be staying in a relationship that will do you harm. He says that you entered into that relationship in order to meet certain needs. The violence meets those needs in an unhealthy way. Discovering the underlying need and it's genesis can help you to meet the need in healthy, non-destructive ways, so that your next relationship is fulfilling, violence free, and lifelong. Read this book, especially if your previous relationships have been hurtful. It was very helpful in pointing me in a direction that is healthy and self-loving.

The imago exercises in this book are good and have helped my wife and I with communication skills. The Imago bandwagon started by this author does have some loose wheels however that couples need to be aware of. Most of the Imago books put in a plug for the traveling Imago workshops. My wife and I recently attended one workshop run by the Imago therapist Rick Brown. Unfortunately, all the references provide for us prior to the workshop turned out to be fellow Imago therapists with an interest in our money. The majority of the actual PRACTICE consisted of listening to the workshop director's own boring life stories and watching some randomly selected nervous couple stumble through the same execise over and over. Although we made our dissatisfaction clearly known, our concerns were dismissed outright (although our money was kept). Harville Hendrix may have started Imago out as a good THEORY but the PRACTICE of some Imago therapists has lowered the bar significantly. Unfortunately, there is no grievance process for customers of Imago products and even discussing problems with the Dean of the Faculty at the Imago International Institute is a complete waste of time. So BE CAREFUL what you pay for and whether the reviews of Imago workshops that you read are those of customers or Imago therapists!

What a book! I highly recommend this book under the following conditions:
1. You are frustrated with a series of relationships that just don't seem to work out.
2. You are starting to realize that it might not all be your partner's fault.
3. You are ready to do some work on yourself to bring positive change.

Harville will walk you through it - but you have to do the work. Each chapter has insightful explanations of how relationships are affected by your first relationship with your primary care-givers (usually parents)... and then some exercises for you to start to see how this applies in your own life. If you do All the exercises, and keep the answers, then towards the end you can start to compile profiles of your own shadow side, your unmet needs that you are seeking to have met in each partner, and ultimately, what you need to do yourself to attract more healthy people, and stay healthy yourself.

It ain't easy! I have taken many nights over a couple of months - and am still not through to the end. But it changes everything. Mostly it helps explain some of your own mistakes, perhaps some of your partner's mistakes, and gives helpful suggestions on what to do now.

The imago exercises in this book are good and have helped my wife and I with communication skills. The Imago bandwagon started by this author does have some loose wheels however that couples need to be aware of. Most of the Imago books put in a plug for the traveling mago workshops. My wife and I recently attended one workshop run by the Imago therapist Rick Brown. Unfortunately, all the references provide for us prior to the workshop turned out to be fellow Imago therapists with an interest in our money. The majority of the actual PRACTICE consisted of listening to the workshop director's own boring life stories and watching some randomly selected nervous couple stumble through the same execise over and over. Although we made our dissatisfaction clearly known, our concerns were dismissed outright (although our money was kept). Harville Hendrix may have started Imago out as a good THEORY but the PRACTICE of some Imago therapists has lowered the bar significantly. Unfortunately, there is no grievance process for customers of Imago products and even discussing problems with the Dean of the Faculty at the Imago International Institute is a complete waste of time. So BE CAREFUL what you pay for and whether the reviews of Imago workshops that you read are those of customers or Imago therapists!

This book has been very helpful to my partner and I. It truly made a difference. In fact, we believe that the book was much more helpful than the therapist that recommended the book. While we used the book as a couple, I strongly recommended it to singles who want to understand themselves better. The exercises are key. If you want things to change for the better -- give this book a try. As for my partner and I, we used this book over a year ago and happily the effects have been lasting. Why am taking the time to write this? Because it sucks to be confused and unhappy and I've been there -- so if this helps anyone take a step in the right direction, I've done a good deed.

This is it...No games here. No hocus pocus. Just pure UNDERSTANDABLE facts on how and why we choose who we do and after we do...make it work. This book is for couples, but as a confirmd bachelor who lost the love of his life 20 year ago and never found another 'keeper", I wish I could have had this book then!

I understand so much now and have recommended this book to five couples who have bought it and have attempted the "concious marriage". This book will save many marriages and a lot of money spent in counseling which does not touch the issues brought about in this book so neatly and with extreme understanding of complex issues which in the end make a whole lot of sense.

I cannot wait till I meet another and use the principles learned here to make that relationship the very best it can be. Yes we will be holding hands at eighty sharing an icecream cone in the park!!!

As someone who has been in love several times, I can tell you that it's very difficult to get over someone who has been so special to you. We all know this, of course. This book has given me the understanding of what it takes to ensure that I carefully look at each relationship, understand what has happened, and use that knowledge to make the next relationship stronger and more likely to succeed.

I've met someone, he's terrific, and I'm feeling much more confident that things will work out. Or at least, I will be more aware of what I am doing and the end result will be one of understanding rather than confusion and hurt.

Every failed relationship in my life, and there have been a few, had one thing in common - Me! That's not to say that it's been my fault, but the book enables you to look at those relationships, understand them, and utilize that knowledge to make the next one that much better.

After years of dating my girlfriend, things fell apart. We couldn't put our finger on it - it was "time to move on".

This book helps you to understand only to yourself- and without humiliation, why we react to things in our relationships, and, without actual CHANGE, continue to fail each time we start a new one.

If you don't believe that YOU need to change - this book is of vital importance. All you have to do is be open and honest to YOURSELF and make the changes suggested.

This book has helped me change the way I view relationships. It helped me to stop placing blame on the other person and take a good look at myself. This has brought understanding and acceptance of my divorce. I wish I would have had this book before I got married but I probably would have never read it. I have never read a self help book in my life. It would have helped me to grow and better understand myself and my future partners I select. You must do the exercises slowly to get the full benefit. I will reread this book again in order to absorb all the information.