Customer Reviews

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

5 star:		(47)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is a well written book about male depression, filled with case studies that the author has overseen throughout his years as a psychotherapist. The style of prose is easy to read and the book avoids technical jargon.

A distinction is made between covert (or hidden) depression and overt depression - the type which is plain for the world to see. Covert depression in many cases is hidden from the victim himself. The author suggests a strong link between covert depression and addictive behavior.

Although the book was very educational, it left me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Case after case after case of abuse, violence, despair and hate leaves the reader with a profound sorrow and a feeling that the world is a terrible place.

Male depression is a "legacy" in the sense that it can be passed down through the generations. In many cases, a father is not able to come to grips with his own psychological afflictions and in turn these manifest themselves in the child when he grows up to be a man.

Male depression can also spring from cultural expectations. Men try to conform to the stereotype of "strong, silent". If a man is an alcoholic or addicted gambler, these are conditions that are seen as curable. However, if a man chooses to discuss his emotions or behaves in a manner which might be considered as feminine, then he is avoided like a leper and socially ostracized.

The book concludes with a powerful message - that it is necessary in life to nurture relationships and have a goal in life that is larger than personal gratification. This is a personal quest on which I am currently embarking.

I have no negative things to say about the book and would highly recommend its purchase!

My therapist mentioned that I may want to read this book as my husband seems to be suffering from male depression, in an effort to help me understand him better.

As I read it, I just didn't feel like anything "clicked" when it came to my husband and his behaviors. A snippet here, a snippet there ... but in general, the book didn't help me understand him any better.

For instance, when the author discussed different types of father-ing styles, none of the "types" seemed to fit my husband's father. Maybe a little bit of one or two of the styles, but not enough to make me feel that the combination of these "bits" gave any helpful insight or true understanding of his father ... or my husband for that matter. The same held true of the author's thoughts on mothering styles. (which seemed somewhat chauvanist, bordering on misogynistic at times,)

Perhaps, as a woman, I couldn't "see" the things that men would see in this book.

When I spoke to my therapist later about it, he conceded that he had received similar comments from other patients (including men) regarding this book and said that "The Pain Behind the Mask", (another book on male depression) seemed more applicable and helpful.

In general, it made SOME good points, but something important was missing.

I don't reccommend it personally, but that is only personal experience and doesn't mean it wouldn't help someone else.

I picked up this book at the library for the title. I was interested in depression and if someone was willing to narrow it to being male, all the better. This book does not do it.

The author harvests his rolodex. We read anecdote after anecdote about big men with said childhoods. One had been beaten by his father. Another had been orphaned and had to go live with a cruel aunt. After about twenty pages of beatings and abuse, I was pretty weepy. The author's style seems to be getting these men to open up in therapy with the wife and family, spreading around deep personal pain, and getting everybody to start having some good cries.

But just because it makes you cry doesn't mean it's good for you. This book focuses mainly on psychotherapy, but there are many contributors for depression. For example, if you're feeling beaten down at work, psychotherapy with the wife and kids will probably make you feel worse. Readers should also be aware this book goes down the same murky route Robert Bly walked in his book "Iron John", talking about wounded heros and other bits of male mythology.

I would suggest most male suffering from mild depression don't need a book like this. For practical help with depression, I can recommend "Dealing with Depression Naturally" by Syd Baumel. His list of options is truly exhaustive. You can decide for yourself which route you want to go down.

I found this book to be very informative and relevant to the inner mind set of many men. It helped me to understand my own feelings and the reasons why other men, I know, act the way they do. Some of the abuses were extreme and not related to me or anyone I know but still they were of interest. I must say that this was not an easy read mainly due to some of the words the author used which I had to research

When I say I suffered in my depression I should say "we" because I dragged a lot of people down with me. I did therapy, read books, took medications. This book helped me, I believe, more than any other single thing that I did.

Mr. Real writes from experience and with knowledge from both sides of the couch. As he composites out and recreates therapy sessions, you, as a depressed man, should see yourself. You can see where you've been and get a preview of where you're going.

Each chapter ends on an upbeat. It does not end on a sappy upbeat. This is no Stuart Smalley book, no pop psychology here. It is a real upbeat, real hope on a deep level. I actually copied paragraphs from this text onto my own paper and carried them along with me.

It takes courage not to be depressed. This book makes this clear. It also makes it abundantly clear that it can be done.

Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counselling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womenizing, etc., and, ususally sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtlely insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that.

This was a somewhat difficult read for two reasons: some of the terminology was a tad beyond me, and it painfully brought to light a lot of my own personal issues and showed how they drove me. But in the end, it was well worth the time and effort to read. You simply can't work on fixing a problem until you understand how it came about. This book helps tremendously to that end. This book is also worth reading if you are a woman who suspects your male partner is depressed. Men and women do handle depression very differently and that creates huge problems in relationships. This book details those differences really well. As someone who is depressed, I took a lot of comfort from essentially just coming to the realization that I was not alone. There are many other men who suffer as I did. And knowing the forces that drove me allowed me to take conscious steps to understand them and minimize their impact on my life. While it was painful to come to that understanding since it requires an honest evaluation of your life, it is well worth in the end. You definitely become a better person.

Terry Real writes about the presence of chronic male depression in American society today. He calls this type of depression "covert" depression, as opposed to the generally understood clinical depression, which he calls "overt" depression. Distinctions and labels aside, Real gives an insightful description of this crippling disease. As a therapist, he draws upon case histories of his own patients to describe depression and its affect on society and loved-ones. In addition, he relates his own history of dealing with and recovering from depression. Finally, he offers some theories as to how society is responsible for fueling depression in men, maily through its old-fashioned patriarchial belief system.

Overall, this is a fine book. It is a must have for any men going through depression and who really want to break through it. Because, as Real says, its only through pain that depression can be relived.

The one issue that I take with the book is Real's feminist-like approach to some issues surrounding depression. His theory is that men are just as, if not more so, emotional than women. This may be true, however, Real sometimes appears to be suggesting that men should become "just-like" women in how they handle their emotions. I think trying to tell a covertly depressed man that the cure he needs is acting more like a woman is fairly ironic. But Real is on the right track when he talks about relational esteem and self-parenting. It is within those confines that a man can beat depression- by becoming more responsible for his own feelings and how he deals with them- in man-like ways. Suggesting he handle and express them like a woman seems anti-productive to me.

Definetely worht the read anyway.

If you're a man and suffer from depression, you should be able to find yourself in this book. I found it very valuable in pointing out why we're depressed. I strongly recommend it to anyone who even thinks they are depressed and maybe a lot of people who don't think they are.

I think Terrence Real is a bit of a hero for what he says in this book. This book is about how culturally held notions of masculinity and unacknowledged violence cause damage in the transformation from boys to men. This is the first account of masculinity I have read that rings true for me and it left me feeling both hopeful and sad.

The writing could have used another edit. It's a compelling read, but the importance of the message is, at times, overshadowed by the long-windedness. I felt I could use another read to fully appreciate what Real is saying, but at 340 pages, a re-read won't happen right away.