Customer Reviews

Necessary Losses: The Loves Illusions Dependencies and Impossible Expectations That All of us Have

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Many years ago, someone gave me this book as a pre-break-up present. At the time, I thought it was quite a kick in the teeth and didn't read it, relegating it to the back of the bookshelf. But several years later I got it out and started skimming. Three and a half hours later I had pretty much devoured the majority of the book and was starting back at the beginning, to further glean what I needed. This is a fantastic guide to letting go. Would also recommend another great book I just came across titled "The Children's Corner" by Jackson McCrae. It's a collection of stories, each one dealing with loss of some type--physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Great stories. But whatever you do, please, please, please read the Vorst book first--we've all had to deal with loss, now we have someone to guide us.

This book allows us to understand that letting go of some things is part of a maturation process in life. Though many people commonly feel like letting go is like giving up and being a loser, we also know that the most important lessons in life are learned from our losses. This author sheds some light on the important difference between these two things by providing us with interesting examples from her experiences. I think this book is excellent for people who are at the brink of letting go of something important to them. It gives them an extra bit of inspiration to let go and move on with their lives. For people who are not near this stage, this book may not make much sense simply because they are not yet emotionally ready for the next step. Another book that is excellent in explaining the emotional process of letting go and how that relates to personal development is "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato. It explains these seemingly complex things in such a simple way that it is absolutely stunning!

Unless you're totally against anything that has freudian concepts in it, then buy this book.

Viorst's book is a delightful, cheerfully written delivery of the tragic news psychoanalysis brings. A spoonful of sugar, indeed! Viorst mostly makes her case with authority, though one could do without her really rather dreadful poems peppering the text. Further, her point of view is too often limited to the imagined upper middle class audience one assumes is buying this book. Nevertheless, the book is useful, as it allows us a clearly-written opportunity to once again remind ourselves of the horrifying truths psychoanalysis has unearthed, to the benefit of our having a realistic approach to the world.

I spent a couple of years of my clinical training working at an agency that offers grief counseling and maintains a twenty-four hour suicide prevention hotline. I chose Ms. Viorst's wonderful book to write a report required for the agency's training class in grief counseling. We also were given an assignment to prepare a list of the losses we experienced over the course of our lives. What an enlightening exercise, especially as we listened to fellow students share what they'd written! Others' losses reminded many of us of events we'd forgotten, events that had affected us profoundly. It is so easy to forget what is most painful!

Contrary to what some reviewers have said, the information that Ms. Viorst offers in her excellent book is not widely appreciated. I've worked with grief clients whose therapist referred them to the agency when they experienced a significant loss. I've been on the hotline when therapists as well as regular folks called with their bewilderment at how to respond to the loss of a loved one, or equally baffling, how to be with a friend who has experienced such loss. Ms. Viorst normalizes the inevitability of loss and rightly observes how our growing capacity to hold ourselves open to these losses deepens our human experience. I've recommended the book many times to both clients and friends. I encourage those who pick up the book to slow down and digest what she has to say. Let the thoughts seep through your days and weeks, your meetings with friends and family. Buddhists meditate on the vase already broken. In truth everyone we love will be lost to us, whether through their passing or our own. It is not morbid to recognize that fact. Rather it can become the beginning of appreciation and gratitude. Ms. Viorst is not a Buddhist, so far as I know, but she clearly recognizes this ancient wisdom. Opening one's heart to loss is a sure way to open to love.

I wish I had read this book years ago - it would have saved me so much money, time & grief. In this book, Judith Viorst holds your hand as you navigate all the painfull places you have avoided before - losses, anxieties, dreams, expectations, fears, aging & death. In the process we gain an understanding of what has happened in our lives & in the lives of those we love & hate. She then teaches us how we can transcend those feelings, losses & fears to reach new levels in our growth - to become separate, responsible, reflective & connected people. We learn that there is life after loss, & if we learn how to look, we can see that real life can be infinitely sweeter than the expectations, dependencies, illusions & loves we have had to let go along the way.

I wish I had read this book years ago. In this book, Judith Viorst holds your hand as you navigate all the painfull places you have avoided before - losses, anxieties, dreams, expectations, fears, aging & death. In the process we gain an understanding of what has happened in our lives & in the lives of those we love & hate. She shows how we can transcend those feelings, losses & fears to reach new levels in our growth - to become separate, responsible, reflective & connected people. We learn that there is life after loss, & if we learn how to look, we can see that real life can be infinitely sweeter than the expectations, dependencies, illusions & loves we have had to let go along the way.

This book is nearly a masterpiece. While it is obviously influenced by the best parts of pscychoanalysis, it is far from dogmatic and reveals how all human beings suffer a succession of separations and losses from which we (hopefully) grow. It is not a book about "Winning through adversity" or "The will always triumphs", but in times of profound life change; it always has something to offer and is ultimately quite reassuring. I have owened an earlier edition doe over 12 years and still refer to it from time to time. A must read for anyone who seeks understanding of their life and the passages we go through, including how our earlier experiences influence our later ones.

This book was long and tedious to read. It did not offer anything fresh or new to me as I read through the book. The author obviously loves Freud because as I was reading through this lengthy book it seemed every other quote was from Freud.

If you have a degree in psychology or human development do not waste your precious time reading through this dribble. All this book does is give you boring story after story and eventually gets to the authors point.

Sure we all grieve and lose things throughout our lives, but who is this author to say that what she has written is fact? She quotes Freud relentlessly and who is to say he is correct?

If you're a critical thinker don't read this book. If you don't have much time to read, don't read this book. It would be better for you to go get a biography of Freud then to read this book, because you will learn just as much there as you would in this book.

I'm giving this book 2 stars because the author did make a few points, although they were vague in comparison to her points on Freud.

I ended up reading this book for a school assignment, I chose the book on my own because a friend recommend it.

I mildly liked the book. I thought that it was long and drawn out. Viorst obviously is a fan of Freud, I felt like I was reading his biography because she quoted him so much.

The other thing that bothered me is that she makes many statements like they are fact. Where does she get her information and how does she really know? Really? If you hear something long enough people tend to take it as reality. I thought that many of the chapters were way too long and tedious and unnecessarily graphic.

Now who really thinks they long to have sex with their opposite sex parent or same sex parent as a baby? Give me a break. The worst part is I have to write a 3 page review of this book and that isn't enough space to point out all the unnecessary garbage in the text.

Unfortunately I can't get back the time I spent reading this dribble. Oh well, I must grieve and move on...