Customer Reviews

How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

... Terrence Real has written a psychotherapeutic work of mastery with HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO YOU. The book is steeped in psychological wisdom and hard-earned knowledge gained through years of real-life experience working with couples as a counseling psychotherapist, helping people who need help with their relationships. ... This is no simple self-help book, self-actualization preppie, or book of sad-sob stories for the sentimental-hearted. ... NO! ... This book REEKS of REALISTIC examples of REAL-LIFE STORIES of people who have suffered great pain - in and out of relationships - and who have been helped by Terry Real's no-nonsense approach to relationship recovery and repair. ... His last name is not Real for nothing!

... Terry gives us some very helpful, psychological working-tools to use in our relationships in order to help us focus on REPAIR . The book is ripe with them on almost every page. Here is a perfect example from page 242: "If someone voices discomfort about something, particularly if it's about you, her primary interest rarely lies in learning about your side of things. This is a point that is just as relevant to businesspeople as to marital partners. When someone is addressing difficult issues, more often than not her primary interest will be her concerns, not yours. When we listen relationally, we place ourselves at the service of the speaker. While it's seldom voiced, the truth is that the person you're listening to really doesn't care all that much at the moment about you one way or the other. She wants to know if you care about her. Do you get to come back with an explanation, how things "really were"? Well, perhaps sometime later. After you've addressed her concerns, you can provide your ideas about what happened. But ask yourself if that is really necessary, and even if it is, begin with solicitation - scan for a response that furthers repair."

... I could go on quoting from EVERY PAGE of this great book, but it would be unecessary. Suffice it to say, this is one of the greatest books I have read in my life - and I have read far over a 1000. It is not just informative; it is intrinsically HELPFUL and INSTRUCTIVE in very positive ways. It teaches you ways to act and react - and even more importantly, how NOT to react - when you find yourself in the middle of a serious conversation with the one you love. I learned so much from this book, I now want to buy Terry's first book and read that one, too! ... Also, the stories he includes in each chapter - as he weaves his wisdom between passages pertaining to people he has helped - are not just interesting. They draw you in and captivate you! You will be moved to tears - and laughter - while reading this book. ... YOWZA! - The Aeolian KId

Where was this book when I was in marriage counseling in the 70's? My husband and I were drinking and never, not once, did our therapist ask us if we had any addictions. Take away the alcohol and you're left with the depressed couple who have no clue how to talk to each other, let alone repair any day-to-day damage they have inflicted on their relationship. I found myself highlighting page after page saying to myself "Oh my God, this is me and my partner. Now I get it." This book is to be read slowly and carefully so you can understand, for the first time in your life, what is going on. Don't get married without it.

I have read everything out there to try and salvage an eighteen year relationship. I saw myself and my husband on every page of this book. It was amazing. For the first time I understood what was going on and why it has been so hard to talk to each other. I gave this book to my husband and insisted that we read it together and we actually talked about it.
This is the smartest book on couples I have ever read. It explains why so many men and women have so much trouble. It's full of ideas about how to make it better. The stories made me laugh and sometimes even cry, like a good novel. I loved every minute of it. And it's just brimming over with casual comments that are so profound. Like this - "The great paradox of intimacy is that in order to sustain closeness we have to be capable of bearing solitude inside the relationship." Or what Terry calls, "normal marital hatred." There are a million of these. I honestly can say I'd like to see everyone who wants their relationship to work to read this. It should be passed out along with marriage licenses. It is far and away the best thing I have ever found. Thank you!

I always feel that talking and writing is therapeutic for me, and I wouldn't want to interfere with or deny that therapy to anyone else. But I think it is important to consider first and foremost the extent to which Real's "How Can I Get Through to You" constitutes Real's own personal therapy. Real describes a family history that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies: his recently widowed grandfather attempted a murder suicide, with Real's father (then eleven years old) and uncle as the intended murder victims. According to Real, his father grew ever more covertly dependent, eventually giving up on work, friends, and on ambition. Real acknowledges the impact of his family of origin: "For the past twenty years, in a thousand incarnations, I have treated my father. Though I was not aware of it, looking back I can only assume that somewhere along the way, I also made a deal. I would rather devote my life to saving my father than being him."

Good for Real: take control of your life, be happy, and be healthy. However, I have two fundamental objections to the presentation in this book. First is that Real stereotypes men as bad and women as good. "Opening up women's voices and opening up men's hearts, empowering wives and reconnecting husbands--that is the work this book describes." It may be popular in some circles to believe that all we need to do is empower women's voices (which are presumed to be good) and to reconnect men (who have somehow gone over to the dark side), but Real doesn't adequately support that belief. Second, it seems that Real has induced that the problem he saw in his family of origin is universal. But not every family grows up with an alcoholic or an abusive member, and not every relationship suffers because the male is oppressing the female. I wouldn't begin to deny the tragic nature of Real's childhood nor of similar experiences, but one size does not fit all, and it would be more helpful if this book didn't portray the problems and the solutions as so simple and as so universal.

Before you leave an unhappy marriage, you MUST read this book. It helped me understand so many more things about the terrible deadlocks people get into in relationships. I've never read anything like it. With the new way the author helps you "see" the relationship interactions, if you stay you won't be resentful, and if you go, at least you'll know why instead of being lost in a swirl of hurt and anger. Either way, you may feel like you truly understand even your multi-decade marriage for the very first time.

mr. real is a superb writer capable of communicating to an audience very effectively. this book cautiously navigates through this touchy subject with examples that pretty much everyone will be able to relate to.

because, Im telling you... you will be sorry like I am now, going through the book the second time with a yellow highlighter (use the color of your choice,blue, pink whatever) On the other hand if you read Real's other book "I Dont want to Talk about It" first (but I'm not talking about it now) and then read this book you will receive an education of a lifetime, especially if your married and would like to stay that way. The part about greiving for what you dont have in your marriage was especially critical to me, but there is SO much! I'm astounded that there are so few reviews here... I can really relate to the parts about Reals own marriage too. Excellent..10 stars!

This book was a great dissapointment. His first work on men and depression was superb but this lacked the clearness and continuity of the subject matter. What started off as very intereisting led off into repetition, vague ideas without substance and generally nothing holding the book togeter. It isnot the kind of book you can read and use in our clinical practice. His stories of couples are too general and imposible to extract what theorical model he his trying to use.

My wife bought me this book for me. It's a good book alright but I'm not sure why she gave it to me.

I came across this book yesterday at the public library, and even free, it's not worth the price.

This book has some major hostility towards men. Terrence Real claims to have insight into the male psyche, and I grant that he has some. He does acknowledge men's actual feelings, but that's all. That's as far as it goes. As far as I could see, every single analysis he gives and every single solution he proposes is anti-male. I get the impression he thinks the way to save a marriage is to remove the husband's spine.

His thesis, that there is some sort of "psychological patriarchy" operating in our society, is simply asinine. I mean, come on, that's just nonsensical.

He seems to use the word "Patriarchy" on every page, and the main portion of the book's content are anecdotes aimed at painting men in a bad light. Basically, this is just another man-bashing book.

I would recommend "Why Men Are The Way They Are" or "Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say" instead.