Customer Reviews

Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Well-written; the best book I've read on the subject. The commentary on the social aspects of narcissism makes this author's approach relevant to every reader. Practical, realistic coping strategies as well as models for good-enough parenting. Great book for parents and teenagers to read together!

Synopsis: Narcissism is a healthy, necessary stage twice in a person's life, during the toddler and teen years, and gives an individual an inflated sense of confidence that enables him or her to leave the security of the parental bond to explore the world with newly acquired abilities. If children receive good-enough parenting when reality deflates this bubble of omnipotence, they reach the end of their narcissistic explorations with a newly integrated sense of self and awareness of the separateness of other people. If they are traumatized or are insecure in their attachment to primary caregivers at these crucial stages, they never "graduate" from the school of narcissism, and become "toxic people," viewing others merely as extensions of themselves and therefore without separate needs and feelings. You probably encounter narcissistic people every day without understanding why they are so rude, have an unfounded sense of entitlement, poor boundaries, or seem to be more "special" than other people. Many of us have been raised in families that pass down narcissitic vulnerabilities, leaving us prey to narcissists, who are always on the lookout for people who can be manipulated into supplying external validation of their "specialness," either by annexing you and your talents to serve them or by deflating you so as to inflate themselves. The current cultural endorsement and social approval of narcissistic traits also prepares us to be victims, even if we are otherwise psychologically healthy.

An encounter with a narcissist can disrupt your life and leave you wondering what on earth you could possibly have done to have earned such abuse. This book will explain who it's really about.

I once worked for a boss who had the following sign on his desk: "People who think they know everything are particularly irritating to those of us who do." I laughed. Six months later, while still working for the same man I had stopped laughing. It wasn't a joke--the guy meant it. If only I had had this book then. It seems to me that far too much energy and time is spent on the "bigger" mental problems of society and not enough on this one. For really, most of these other problems seem to stem from narcissism. Most narcissistics see themselves as "healthy," so what can you do? This book is a must for those interested in toxic people and if you're older than the age of five, you know just how many there are. Highly, highly recommended. Would also recommend an interesting read (fiction) that deals with MAJOR personality disordererd individuals, family dysfunction, and definitely narcissism: "The Bark of the Dogwood" by Jackson McCrae.

I had reached rock-bottom when a friend recommended this book to me: I found myself on my knees, begging my husband not to be angry at me. This book had everything I needed to pull myself out of the gutter: clarity, insight, intelligence, and page after page of perfect descriptions of what I had been living with for many years. Then came strong, simple advice on how to live a sane life. The descriptions helped me let go of my fantasy that he could change; the advice helped me turn my own path into one of optimism and strength. Thank you, SH.

This book is an almost perfect investigation into all things narcissistic. I would have given it five stars, but it fell short of perfection by surprisingly never mentioning me by name or including a photo of me.

In classical mythology, Narcissus was a young man who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water and wasted away from unsatisfied desire. In modern terms a narcissist is a vain, self-absorbed, arrogant individual with a grand sense of entitlement. Narcissistic tendencies include the need to be perfect or in control at all times.

Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors are epidemic in our society. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that one out of every one hundred persons meets the criteria of severe narcissism.

According to the author, "our culture is full of narcissistic influences that numb us to the reality of the problems we face." In fact, unreality is the hallmark of narcissism. Their distortions of reality can cause others to question themselves and doubt their own perceptions.

Narcissists will go to great lengths to promote fantasies that sustain their grandiosity and omnipotence. Many prominent elected officials, sports idols, and entertainment figures are narcissists. They also head large corporations and lead flocks of the faithful. Many of us encounter unhealthy narcissism in some form every day.

Narcissists see themselves as "special people." They know better than you do. They are also very shame-sensitive. They avoid shame at all costs. They are unlikely to self-correct their intrusive or inconsiderate behavior just because you call attention to it. When failures occur, they portray themselves as victims and blame others for their misfortune. Gossip, backbiting, and bootlicking are prevalent in work environments dominated by a narcissist.

The narcissist sees power as his due. This is why many achieve management positions. In such positions they practice stretching employees until they break and then get rid of them. This is called "rubber band management." Narcissists are also very aware of shifts in the balance of power.

In this book author Sandy Hotchkiss presents an excellent general description of narcissism and covers how to deal with the narcissists in our lives. Knowing the narcissist's weaknesses and tendencies will help you effectively deal with narcissism.

Chapter 16 is titled "Narcissists at Work: The Abuse of Power." This chapter is well worth the price of the book. It covers the narcissistic problems of poor interpersonal boundaries, scapegoating, shameless exploitation, envy in the workplace, and ways narcissists seduce us. The chapter ends by providing four guidelines for survival with a narcissist in power.

If you find yourself working in a toxic environment headed by a narcissistic manager, you will want to read Why is it Always About YOU?.

Review By Dr. J. Howard Baker

I admit to being disappointed in this book. Even so, it was a useful overview of a pervasive problem, one that faces most of us much of the time: how do we deal with self-absorbed narrcisists without being untrue to ourselves?

Things I liked about the book include the use of illuminating examples, the checklists and suggested courses of action in dealing with particular kinds of issues, and the excellent explanation of what narrcissism is and where it comes from. In fact, the examples she gave of narcissism in action were all extremely good and useful. After reading several books on the subject, I have to say I think she does the best job of providing examples and elucidating them.

Things I did not like about the book include the fact that since she covers so very much ground, much of it is covered superficially. One thing she did frequently that eventually grated on me a lot was to include a disclaimer right before offering advice about how to proceed in some particular kind of encounter with a narcissist. This disclamer essentially said "make sure you aren't being guilty of any narcissism before you start". Well, that makes sense. But one of the things the book makes clear is that narcissists can't really see that they are doing anything wrong at all. And so, I had to wonder exactly how is the reader supposed to determine whether, in this case, she is acting rationally or narcissistically?

In conjunction with other books, I think this one is useful. However, be prepared for a certain level of superficiality.

It was less than a year ago that I realized that the numerous and nameless issues I had with my parents, particularly my mother, did in fact have a name - narcissism. Since then, I have read a number of books, trying to get a handle on what this all means. Most of them were quite good and provided insights on their behavior and motivations. This one, however, was the best in terms of explaining how some individuals get this way, how it might affect those around them (all too many ways), and how to protect yourself from all of the emotional hits they will throw at you. The explanations were down to earth, indicating that the author has probably had all too much experience dealing with this problem. Her insights and understanding of the problems those around narcissists experience, both in family and work situations, is phenomenal. I just wish I had had these insights 15 years ago.

This book help me more than any theraphy could have helped me. If you want validation for the difficult people (Personality disorder) you have to deal with, this is the book. It describes Narcissism for what it is. Narcissist prey on those who have been shamed, so they can take on their disowned shame that their ego can not tolerate. Most of us are walking around with projections that don't even belong to us, they belong to them!!!!!! Best book on the subject. Best line in the book is - Narcissism breeds a new narcissist generation-- as well as people who seem to be magnets for this personality type.

Hotchkiss provides a simple explanation - that is user-friendly - to explain a complicated problem. Narcissism is a necessary part of human development - I wanted to know what was "healthy" and what was over-the-edge. Hotchkiss answered all my questions and gave the answers on how to deal with the narcissist in my life. I am so relieved to find - it's not about me, it is about their inadequacies. It was also helpful that Hotchkiss explained how difficult it is for therapists to treat a narcissist. This book truly answered many of the relationship questions I have had over the years. Emotionally, I am a healthier person, thanks to this book.

The literature about narcissism is rich in scholarly, obstruse, discussions of psychodynamics, etiology, differential diagnoses and other unhelpfulissues.It is poor in down-to-earth, practical, "how to cope" manuals. I should know as I amthe authorof "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", another tome on this subject.Thisbook contains a rudimentary overview of pathological narcissism and thenproceeds to identify thetraits and dysfunctional behaviors of the narcissist - replete with hundreds of examplesfrom the author's mental health practice. It then proceeds toprovide check lists,tips, and advice on how to cope with this destructive and perniciousphenomenon. Along needed and long missing work.