Customer Reviews

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

In struggling to deal with my strong-willed 4-year-old daughter, I kept upping the ante, usually by yelling louder and coming up with more creative consequences. There were lots of "successes" but her outbursts at home seemed more desperate. Something in my gut said this just isn't working -- like I was getting her compliance at the expense of her self-esteem. I read Unconditional Parenting and the subtle concerns I had were in this book. Besides providing the history of time-outs, the author provides insights on common North American parenting strategies (rewards, punishments, "say, 'I'm sorry, Billy'", "say, 'Thank you'", "Ooo, what a pretty picture"), then provides a common sense look at who kids really are and what's behind our current style. Here was the seed for how I could guide my daughter without trying to manipulate her, and keep my respect and love for her intact. And I was shocked as it inadvertently explained the origin of issues I'm facing as an adult and the parenting I received that coincide with these. My husband and I started using concepts in the book and were much happier with the results we got with our daughter -- not compliance, but solutions that we chose together, leaving her with a genuine smile, and a sense of peace for us. But this is not a "do this" book. It's common sense and inspirational, and our change in approach fell immediately out of it. So, after several weeks, I plan to re-read this book, be re-inspired, and see if we can stride further. I hope to see more from this author and more on this style of parenting. I think this is the start of the future of North American parenting, with the goal on teaching children how to make decisions, and parents being able to sleep nights with our integrity intact.

This book is revolutionary in its approach to parenting. As is Gordon Neufeld's "Hold on to your kids". If you are finding that "time outs" and all the other advice you've gotten from people and books simply don't work, try this approach you will be amazed at how well it works. Only thing is you don't get recipes for discipline, but rather it teaches you to show love for your kids without rewards and/or punishments.

One thing that really struck a chord for me was when he says that there's no question that all parents love their kids, the only problem is that very few kids feel loved unconditionally. And if kids don't feel loved unconditionally they can't really thrive.

I was a little reluctant to read this - I thought an extreme anti-punishment-of-any-kind stance would likely be flaky and fail to address important issues. I was very wrong. Kohn explains how important it is to adopt a different mindset that makes praise and punishment unnecessary - and his writing is surprisingly compelling. He anticipated all my questions and doubts and addressed them clearly. And it couldn't have come at a better time. There is already more peace in our home - better relationships AND better behavior. Kohn's humor and clear style also make for an easy read. Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" is also exceptional - and it's applicable to all kids (and perhaps all relationships).

The book has a good premise. I think it will be a starting place for parents who really want to change the way they parent. I don't think all the answers are here, but it will help open up to a more expanded perspective on parenting in a mindful way. It may not be as thorough or concrete as some parents would hope for.

Review is by Ramiel Nagel author of Healing Our Children: Because Your New Baby Matters! Sacred Wisdom for Preconception, Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting (ages 0-6) & Cure Tooth Decay: Heal and Prevent Cavities with Nutrition (First Edition).

This book does have some good advice in it. However, the reader must wade through a tremendous amount of anecdotal evidence and opinions by the author to get to it. Mr. Kohn has a knack of interpreting research through his personal lens to lead the reader, step-by-step, to reach his conclusions. However, to reach his conclusions, the reader must completly believe Mr. Kohn's interpretations. This would be easier if Mr. Kohn didn't define problems differently than the researchers that he is citing and if his anecdotes didn't seem made-up to prove his point (mother's admonishing their children for having fun at a playground, children throwing temper tantrums whose response to being ignored and walked away from is to cry out that they are scared at being abandoned). Mr. Kohn also seems to believe that, on one hand, even very young children are capable of making decisions for themselves and can be rational, yet on the other hand, the only possible way that a child can interpret a time out is that their parents don't love them and are controlling them by forcefully taking their freedom away. Praise, according to Mr. Kohn, is just another way of controlling children. He survey's university students who were "controlled" as children through praise to reveal that they have a whole host of self-esteem issues. He doesn't take into account that the praise might have promoted the children into getting into university in the first place. Nor does he seem to understand that 17 to 21 year olds have a tendency to be self-centered and lack the life experience necessary to view their childhood without feeling as sorry for themselves as they often do. He believes competition and practice are wrong for a whole host of reasons and cites much research that he says points out that both acutally lowers results. The reader might be left wondering about how much better the Olympics or a Symphany Orchestra might be if only those involved never had to compete or practice. There is much good advice in the book. One might consider skipping the first 6 chapters to get to it. Most of the good advice stands alone and doesn't have to go hand-in-hand with Mr. Kohn's ideology. For instance, one can make their lives less hectic to offer more time to spend with their children without also deciding that they will stop praising them when they are good and giving them time outs when they don't listen.

l've been reading many parenting books recently. This book just seems to explain why we should raise kids with respect and unconditionally, but lacked examples of situations we all have with our kids and how to carry them out. l wanted more from the book in this respect, which l have found in other books for example: "Between Parent and Child" & "Playful Parenting"
This book is good though for those that are skeptical about why to raise kids without punishment. lt's very thorough in that respect.

There may not be a manual for raising kids, but there ought to be some required reading. This is one of those rare books that comes along and makes you re-think everything you thought you knew about what it means to discipline your child. If you, like me, aren't aware of many options beyond what you've seen on Supernanny or what you yourself were subjected to as a kid, then you need to read this book.

Time-outs, rewards systems, even common statements like "no" come into question. Instead, we are asked to take the viewpoint of the child and encourage them to reflect on their actions in order to make better decisions next time. If I were a kid and I had the capacity, I would tell my parents to read this book before sending me to my room for another time-out.