Customer Reviews

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

5 star:		(27)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

This is a good book for couples to read and discuss: you may not agree with it, but it is a good discussion starter.
The marriage counsellor author claims to have found 10 basic needs people have and has sorted them into the top 5 for men and top 5 for women.

My wife and I are certainly not your average couple, if his list is really reliable.

His list of the top emotional needs is:
1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfilment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty and Openness
6. An Attractive Spouse
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support [= help with household duties]
9. Family Commitment [= help with child-rearing]
10. Admiration

He points out that a man's top need might be his wife's eighth need. It is important to her, but not nearly as important as it is to him. And vice versa, of course.

Reading the book has made me reflect on how well I meet my wife's needs. This can only be a good thing.

I knocked off a star, because the book is marketed in Christian bookstores, but is hardly a Christian book. But I highly recommend reading and reflecting on what he has to say.

First of all, i have to say that i think that this is a great book. It gives a good overview of what men and women TEND to be looking for in a relationship. In reading the previous reviews i found it funny seeing the criticisms of two women who seem to see this book as women bashing, since as a guy i had issues with this book seeming to be male bashing...

First of all, in response to the previous attacks on the book all i can say is that while women TEND to be more relationship focused thus communication, affection, etc. TEND to be what they are looking for in a man. Thus since guys TEND not to as relationship focused, what a woman sees as defining a person is not necessarily what a man sees. I could criticize women and say all women want is a robot with skin that will talk to her, agree with her, and touch her. That would be just as narrow and unrealistic as some of the comments made previously. It takes character to be the kind of woman a man is looking for. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to marry a selfish, overbearing woman who didn't care how she looked, wasn't interested in having fun with me, and expected me to be perfect 100% of the time and in all ways before she was willing to be intimate with me. Yet that seems to be the picture that comes to mind when taking these needs to an extreme.

Ultimately i believe that Harley has a clearly credible case for both sides and i would gladly pass this book on. However as with many books in this genre it is rather narrowly focused. It doesn't discuss what communication is how to deal with it when it is broken down, or any of a hundred different topics important for a healthy marriage. Then again, it has to be that way to keep from being 2000 pages and losing it's focus instead of 200 and clear.

My biggest concern with this book is what seems to be the male bashing. In reading the first five needs discussed it always seems to be the man's fault that the need is not being met. The man isn't affectionate enough with his wife, it's all his fault. The man's need for sexual intimacy... well, if men were fulfilling their wife's need for affection then this wouldn't be a problem thus it's all his fault. Communication... men you need to communicate more with your wife. You need to drop everything else to make sure that you are talking to her 24hours a day. Recreational companionship... It's all your fault men, you need to stop doing what you enjoy if your wife doesn't enjoy it. Thus all sports should be banned unless your wife likes them too. In those first four chapters Harley goes up one side of the man and down the other blaming him for all of the problems and not once mentions that maybe the woman needs to make changes such as, stoping spending so much time on the phone with her sister/mother/friend (her recreational interests) and spend it with him doing things they both enjoy instead. Or maybe that if the wife took some real interest in their sexual relationship instead of getting annoyed that her husband actually finds her sexually attractive or having an attitude of "I'm doing this because i'm supposed to so i'm just going to bear through it", then maybe she would find that he is more affectionate with her. The relationship works two ways, and yet it seems like Harley focuses a whole lot more on the guys being at fault for things than the women. That's not to say that he doesn't ever focus on the women, as is evident in the chapter on physical attraction (this chapter i have a great many issues with what Harley says), but overall the blame seems to be placed much more on the man than on the woman.

Like i said before. This is a great book. I would and have recommended it on many occasions, but always with reservations and stating that i don't agree with everything Harley says.

This book was very good. I don't know about some of these reviewers, but reading comprehension is crucial if you are to understand and take away something meaningful from the book.

1) The book says that some men like attractive women. Gasp...it's true. The author even illustrates the flip side of the coin when he tells the story of the woman realized that SHE was into looks too. But the author is blasted for pointing out that some people favor appearance.

2) The book says that some women don't want to work. It did not say all. I guess the fact that some women would rather work part time and take care of the children is politically incorrect now.

I am tired of reading reviews where people do not read the whole book, or get upset at things that would offend them and then condemn the whole book. The list of needs are not the same for everyone, the author states this but, alas again, people miss this point.

The only reason why I gave it four stars is because I wish it were a bit longer. He also could have spent more time explaining what he meant so that people who skim and do not digest what they've read entirely could have gotten his message.

My husband and I have both used "His Needs Her Needs" along with the analogous 'twin' "Love and Respect" since the beginning of our relationship and if there were only 2 relationship guides on the face of this earth, these would be the 2 I would hope for. Essential information and grass-roots concepts we so easily forget written in an accessible way. We have numerous copies of each and will never be without. A must-have.

(...)

Buy the hardcover, otherwise it may not hold up when all your friends read it. Everyone I have loaned it to has subsequently purchased their own copy. This book is now a standard wedding gift from me and many others I know.

One of the saddest things I see is men getting flowers delivered to them at work. While women TYPICALLY love to get flowers, men MOST OFTEN are not that thrilled by it. Women who send flowers are projecting their own emotional needs onto men. The corollary is when men buy themselves "sexy" under shorts and think their wives are going be so pleased. These examples ARE NOT in the book, they are just my own observations. But these types of misunderstandings are addressed and explained.

When I was first married a woman friend whose name is Trudy gave me invaluable advice. She told me to touch my wife non-sexually. At the time I thought it was possibly the weirdest thing anyone had ever told me. Nevertheless, I accepted Trudi's advice, and it served me well. It was quite a long time before I understood the wisdom of what she told me. I shared it with other men, to whom it was also a revelation. His Needs, Her Needs explains this and other things you may not understand about your spouse. (Thank you, Trudi!)

Dr. Harley researched the material presented in this book after finding that marriage counseling failed for most couples. He realized something was wrong and set out to find out what would help. This isn't some new theory by some egghead. The insights presented in this book have grown out of both good and bad experience with marriage counseling and has been proven in many marriages over many years. It is the real thing, tested in the real world.

Dr. Harley lays out five emotional needs TYPICAL of MOST men and five emotional needs TYPICAL of MOST women. However, he stresses that YOUR NEEDS AND THE NEEDS OF YOUR SPOUSE MIGHT DIFFER. In other words, you both might share one of the needs, or neither of you might have a particular emotional need, or some may be swapped between you. This is more likely (as in higher probability) with the needs further down on the list of five but possible with those higher on the list.

This book will help any couple understand each other better. More importantly it will help any couple learn to strengthen their marriage as they begin to meet each other's emotional needs. I have seen numerous situations where needs were not being met, and the door to adultery was thrown wide open. In one case it was the wife's need for what is typically the man's strongest emotional need! So read both (the men's and women's needs) and discuss with your spouse the most important emotional needs you each have.

This is one of the most practical books I have come across in some time.

Buy it, read it, discuss it with your spouse, and apply it to your marriage.

Dr. Harley suggests that when couples both make their needs known and seek to meet one another's needs, they will build an "affair-proof" marriage. While there is certainly merit to some of his conclusions about the importance of knowing and meeting the needs of your spouse, to begin with the supposition that human beings are even capable of truly meeting each other's deepest emotional needs clearly misses the mark of God's plan for the ages. This book presumes that spouses ought to be able to do what the Bible says only God can do - namely meet our deepest emotional needs. "My God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory" "You shall have no other Gods before me." "I have learned to be content in ALL circumstances" These Bible references clearly teach us to rely on God to meet our needs.

The reason Christians are as prone to affairs as the general population is NOT that their spouses inadequately meet their needs, thus causing discontent and "wanderlust", it is that they rely on something other than the fullness of relationship with God to meet their needs, thus causing discontent and wanderlust. When relationship with God is out of alignment, we have the tendency to "gratify the desires of the sinful nature." The one who is truly and deeply first in love with their God is then able to fully love their spouse, regardless of their spouses ability to meet their needs. To suggest otherwise is to set people up to practice a performance based self-righteousness (which many people can do when they make an idolatry of their spouse or marriage. That is why Dr. Harleys seem to produce "success" The pharisees looked great at thought highly of themselves didn't they?). Glean some of the good, practical ideas from this book and prayerfully discard that which does not stand up against the Word of Truth.

A stroll through the swamp of not-so-helpful relationship books on the market today will reveal to the savvy reader this book's wisdom and value.

Husbands and wives both need to feel affirmed in their needs and feelings -- this book offers that affirmation.

Husbands and wives both need to learn about the extremely DIFFERENT set of needs his or her spouse has -- this book offers that information.

This isn't a "feel-good, all about me" book. This is a powerful, "don't be afraid to admit your needs and don't be afraid to learn how to meet your spouse's" book.

This book is, in a word, incredible. While laying before the reader the five most important needs of men and women, the author is also careful to point out that there is no "mold" from which we were all cast, and his book in no way attempts to squeeze the reader into such a mold. The point is DISCOVERING what our needs are (Mr. Harley helps the reader to accomplish this) and moving on from there.

Staying happily married takes effort and commitment. With this book in hand, a committed couple will have a powerful tool with which to move forward past the rough spots (we all have them) and toward a better understanding and deeper appreciation of each other.

I highly recommend this book.

-----
Jill Schafer Boehme, Author of MY LIMA BEANS ARE ALLERGIC TO MY SPOON and Editor of MOMMY! The Internet Lifeline for At-home Moms (a free Ezine)

The short version: an excellent book. Buy it.

The longer version: I could have done without the Christian right wing tint but other than that, right on! And while feminists are sure to take issue with this book, the cold and immutable truth of the matter is this -- it hits the mark dead center.

Being a guy, I can only verify one half of the story. Men do, in fact, need most of the things (e.g., I don't care about admiration or domestic support that much) detailed in this book in order to stay happy. Right, wrong, or otherwise. If you chose to interpret the findings as shallowness, you are certainly entitled to your opinion.

I would, however, caution naysayers to think of it this way: would you rather your spouse make you aware of his needs, or just go off quietly and find comfort in the arms of another who is willing to provide him with what he needs?

I wish I had found this book before my spouse had an affair. But now that we have found it, it has really helped us with the recovery process. If this book was required reading for all newlyweds we might have a far lower divorce rate. Marriage is tough and this book helps the parties focus on the constant need for attention toward your spouse, not overbearing attention, just awareness and thoughtfulness throughout the chaos of daily life. This book can and should save many marriages.

This was an easy-to-read book. It touched on the five basic needs that men and women share, and why they are generally different. (I only gave 4 our of 5 stars because I felt it focused a little too much on avoiding affairs--something many people do not worry about.) However, while the title says, "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage," it is not only a book about preventing affairs. In fact, I did not read this book with the intention of stopping affairs, but with the intention of learning what my partner's emotional and physical needs are. This is a good book for people with good marriages, as well as ones with struggling ones. It articulates problems and solutions in an effective manner. There are resources at the back, as well as a "needs" survey to take with your spouse. I highly reccomend this book to anyone wanting a better relationship with his spouse.