Customer Reviews

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples with a New Foreword by the Author

5 star:		(41)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I originally thought this book had some useful information until I read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. The failings of this book are that it takes the Freudian approach and seeks most of its answers in childhood experiences and trauma while at the same time suggesting that your partner is there to "fix" things. The end result is that we end up relying on someone us to "take care of us." Passionate Marriage (don't be turned off by the title) takes the unique approach of personal accountability and integrity in relationships. When you're ready to do the "hard stuff" and dispel the relationship myths and expectations that doom most marriages, pick up Schnarch's book. It's not about fixing the relationship or your partner -- it's about fixing yourself.

My therapist recommended this book to me and I must say I learned more about myself and my spouse in a couple of weeks then I have learned in 11 years of marriage. The book is very easy reading and really makes one think about how we think, how we respond to people and provides steps to make changes in relationships. The book also explains how our childhood plays an important part in who we are and how we deal in relationships. I'm not yet finished with the book, but I've already told my wife to please read the book. I believe that if we follow what is written in the book, our marriage can be saved and that we can be happy once again.

This book is definitely an eye opener into your own self, and why we are who we are and why we choose the mate we do. This book is an excellent guide for any couple who are mature enough to know they want a lifetime committment to each other and want to understand each other and communicate with one another more effectively. This book probably would not be much help to a couple that is extremely young, i.e. teens, or who are still immature themselves. If you are willing to make the committment and want a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship with your partner, this is definitely an excellent guide, but both partners would need to be as committed as the other to wanting to make the relationship work. Dr. Hendrix's exercises at the end of the book are invaluable and really changed our relationship for the better.

Just reading this book gave me great optimism about my marriage and my ability to greatly improve it. His exercises provide explicit and practical steps to take to meet the conflicts and sense of something missing and turn them into relationship and personal growth. The book begins by explaining things you never thought to ask, like 'why was I so attracted to this particular person I married?' He then goes on to describe how the things left unresolved from our childhood experience with our parents become the major themes in the new family created by marriage. The explainations have a common sense feel of the truth being told. From the understanding of how marraage works it becomes easy to see for the first time what creates the tensions and what to do about them. As a marriage therapist Hendrix assumes major problems is your marriage. If your marrage is still in good shape he may seem to overstate the conflicts but the descriptions and cures very much on target and useful.

The book is an easy and enjoyable read. I gleaned great number of pearls of wisdom and revealing insights about my marriage, myself and the reasons I do those things that make my spouse irritated. The author presents 16 exercises, which you can do together with your spouse to work on your relationship. They are interesting and practical, blended in a very readable format. Keep in mind however that this is not a quick fix book full of easy answers.

In it, Dr. Hendrix introduces the imago model, which he developed as a tool for understanding relationship problems. His approach is quite interesting to read as you will discover the "roots" of some of your marriage problems and will gain greater insight. I found this book valuable and directly applicable to my life. It gives you the tools to understand yourself as well as your partner. From that, you can start resolving long standing problems. It really helps you to get below the surface problems and deal with underlying issues. Near the end you are presented with two couples where everything you have learned is applied to show how situations can go from bad to blissful. Additional bestseller that helped my husband and me to achieve that is scientist Ritz' "Scientifically guaranteed multi-orgasms and ultimate sex". We highly recommend both of them.

Amazon.com Review for Getting the Love You Want
Author: Harville Hendrix

This review was completed by a group of five college seniors from Villanova University. We spent a semester researching and reviewing best-selling self-help books on the subject of romantic relationships. We evaluated five texts after reviewing academic literature specifically on the topics of commitment, trust, conflict, verbal communication, and intimacy. In order to make you a more informed consumer, we hope to provide you with a review of Getting the Love You Want.
The author's intent of this book is to help people improve their romantic relationships. He claims that the book will provide sound insight for dating couples, married couples, heterosexual and homosexual couples. Getting the Love You Want provides people with an understanding of where their difficulties may stem from and includes a section of the book with actual exercises for couples to do over a period of time to improve their relationship. The style of the book is very personable and easy to understand. Hendrix's extensive experience of working with couples and helping people shines through his writing and helps the reader to feel at ease. Hendrix is challenging, yet at the same time understanding.
Getting the Love You Want addresses couples who want to work together to improve their relationship. The exercises in the book target both individuals in the relationship, but allow for increased self-understanding and growth as well.

We evaluated how the following five topics were approached in the book:

Commitment- The advice for couples in revolves around the theme of commitment. Two chapters are devoted to commitment as well as a subheading in another chapter. Ideal commitment is described as "a decision to join together in a journey that will last the rest of their lives." Personal dedication is described as a necessary component of commitment.

Trust- Several implications of trust are discussed in the book, but the word trust is briefly mentioned. Hendrix points out that the process of developing trust is a learning experience that allows someone to really get to know their partner. He suggests that we need to get over our self-centered tendencies and deal with personal issues preventing trust.

Conflict- This subject is addressed in terms of anger, criticism and arguments. Specific exercises deal with working things out as a couple. Conflict is described as something that is not necessarily bad, but rather expressing anger in a constructive manner can be healthy. Hendrix recommends approaching situations with more acceptance and understanding in order that conflict may be seen in a more productive light.

Verbal Communication- This topic is addressed in a very straightforward manner in the book. Hendrix stresses the importance of good communication skills. Couples need to be clear and specific in their communication. The book provides specific step-by-step exercises to enhance communication.

Intimacy- The book approaches intimacy in the context of self-disclosure, expression of thought and emotion, listening, providing support, and making positive verbal statements. Hendrix also stresses the importance of sharing one's feelings.

This book is best for the subject of verbal communication.(...)

I looked at this book from a different perspective than most readers. I didn't read it as a person in need of relationship advice. Rather, I read it as a person who has been happily married for 22 years. My question was, how closely did the advice in this book match what I was doing successfully?

A bestseller since 1988, the book is separated into 3 sections:

-the first part talks about how unmet childhood needs can affect your future relationships.

-the second part talks about a marriage that can fulfil your unmet childhood needs in constructive ways.

-lastly, part three is the exercises. Here you'll be taken through a series of exercises that you can do at home that have been actually used in the author's practice. They're easy to do and involve writing.

Well, that's a rough synopsis that should give you a little bit of a feel as to how the book is set up- and what its about.

So how closely did the advice in this book match what I have been doing all this time to create a successful 22-year marriage? Perfectly- both the book and I promote the idea that you have to work at your marriage to make it work!

And perhaps that's the best piece of advice of all: find constructive ways to make you marriage better- and that's one thing this book most certainly succeeds at. Other self-help books I liked include Finding Happiness in a Frustrating World.

The relationship/self-help book market is booming. When looking for one of these books you are presented with a bewildering array of "experts" and "specialists", each with their pet theories about where men and women come from or what "rules" you should apply to your relationship.

It is rare to find a book written by an author with solid academic credentials and years of clinical practice. This book is one such find.

The book is organized into three parts. In part I, Dr. Hendrix describes the type of relationships most of us have - "Unconscious Marriage". In this section, he details how our childhood experiences, self image and ideals of romantic love combine to create an unstated power struggle between spouses. Often many books stop at this point, assuming that the reader can now go forth and solve their problems. Fortunately Dr. Hendrix continues.

In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.

The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections. Relevant and helpful, their main point appears to be to draw the reader into applying the theories presented in the book to their own situation. In this respect, they are helpful.

We have tried a number of different books/techniques to help our relationship and we found this one to be the most helpful by orders of magnitude. I hope it works well for others

If you love inspiration then look no further. This book is full of things to help any relationship work. Another great book is Dreams: Gateway to the True Self by Ryan Belcher. It's in a class of its own. It shows how to find the self you've been looking for. I really like this author.

This is a wonderful book. My wife and I decided to read this book together, since it sat on our bookshelf for a year. We decided to read a chapter together each night. We found this book full of concrete exercises, full of advice and even entertaining as Dr. H. shares his own experiences. My wife and I found ourselves laughing as we read some of his examples of past clients thinking to ourselves.... "This sounds like us" or "This sounds like something we would do or say!" Anyway, We have had some difficulties in our marriage, being married for 13 years, and we needed a new beginning.... something concrete and practical to assist us in bringing our marriage to a place of healing. We shared this book with our marriage counselor with the idea of incorporating it into our sessions. If you are looking for a good practical book to help you nurture your marriage and point you in the right direction... then I would suggest you read this book.... read it out loud with your partner and see what happens....