on March 22, 2008
I am a man who normally does not read or enjoy reading "inspirational" or "relational" books. My wife is the reader in these areas and is very wise and self-developed in these areas. Unfortunately, I usually don't read the books she recommends. However, this book is different. I liked it. It hits home to my basic needs. I think many women don't realize the importance to men of unconditional respect as described in this book. I'd recommend it strongly to any husband and wife who want to deepen their relationship. If you are a wife who can't get your husband to read inspirational books, relational books or marriage books, you might be pleasantly surprised to find him reading along with you and discussing this book with you.
on December 7, 2009
Two years ago, before I was married, I read this same book by Dr. Eggerich. At the time, I thought 'well, this sounds reasonable', and continued along my merry way after closing the front cover. I remember now that, at the time I'd picked the book up at the store, a woman mentioned to me 'this book saved my marriage, honestly... pay attention and you won't regret it'. Reading it through for a second time, after being married for a year and a half? Dr. Eggerich has it right.
Women need love, and men need respect. Both are mutually inclusive, because when a woman receives love she feels respected, and when a man is respected, it's a sign of love to him. Eliminate either love or respect, and couples start on what he terms 'the Crazy Cycle'. How do you stop the crazy cycle? It's all based on love and respect. Dr. Eggerich outlines what this means for both husbands and wives, what they can do to increase love and respect (and maintain it!), and how to prevent getting back on the Crazy Cycle in the future.
Whether you're dating, engaged, or married for any length of time, the Dr. speaks the truth... and it's worth a listen!
on October 13, 2009
The idea of love and respect seems almost trivial but has an immense impact in more relationships than we even are aware of. The book is really useful in helping couples better understand each others language and to treat each other in a way that they deserve. Love & respect are fundamental to strong friendships, and its strange why marriage should be exempt and still expected to thrive. Overall, this book got me thinking about how so much damage and emotional pain occurs when we do things out of ignorance of such a simple concept. Disclaimer would be that there are certainly other factors involved that make or break relationships, but this is one that needs to be addressed.
on January 16, 2010
This marriage book is aimed at helping couples break free from their dysfunctional patterns and communication breakdowns. The book calls it 'the crazy cycle' when couples enter into a lose-lose argument with both parties left feeling confused and hurt. In order to breakout of this pattern, Eggerichs applies a biblical based framework for recognizing the needs of men and women. Man's biggest need according to Eggerichs is his need for respect and a woman's greatest need to be loved.
Now after reading the book, I have a better understanding of how I inadvertently trigger something in my wife, leaving her feeling like I'm withdrawing my love. And she too, had begun to be more aware when she stumbles into language that disrespects me and sends me running. Knowledge of how each of us operates based on language of love and respect can easily turn arguments around making them shorter in duration and less intense than before.
A while back my wife and I also attended a conference called Love and Respect put on by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife and it has made this book come more alive than perhaps it may have by simply reading it. The stories were helpful in this book, but having a real person in front of you sharing a personal story, as opposed to the story about 'Sarah' in the book, would make the experience and understanding of he topic more real. As it were, the books stories were helpful, but they were hard to totally identify with.
On the whole, I think my wife has benefited more from this book than I have. She is using words of respect that I really feel encouraged by. However, I've been left feeling still a little unclear of how to reframe my words of love towards her. Love is such an overly used word in our culture and it feels as if I'm left not knowing which words really hit home with her and which one's sound like a cheesy soap opera. This is my homework I guess to ask her when my words connect with her and when they don't.
on September 27, 2009
Love and Respect, though seemingly just another self-help, pop-psychology book, offers a potentially ground-breaking view of marriage. Rather than calling for the typical sissification of the man by getting him to talk about his feelings and in general see things through a woman's eyes, Dr. Eggerichs asks women to see men differently as well. For once, an author does not assume that women's ways of doing things are normative and morally superior, and that men must conform.
Central to the argument, Eggerich asserts that men and women are not the same, and that the Bible's teachings on marriage are as valid as ever because it shows how men and women have different needs. While women are verbal beings in need of assurance that they are loved and safe, men are action-oriented, and would rather silently share an experience than talk about feelings. Men communicate through words, but more than that, through their actions.
Feminists have indoctrinated women to look down on men and not to understand men. They no longer meet their husband's deepest need, which is to feel respected. When they cut down their husband, he shuts off, and she feels unloved. In order to get that love, she becomes more rude and cutting so that he will be able to see just how desperately unloved she feels. This leads the husband to distance himself even more. Thus the couple has entered a vicious cycle.
For this cycle to be broken, wives need to respect their husbands unconditionally, even when they don't feel respect for their man. The husband must unconditionally love his wife, even when he doesn't feel it. This love and respect is actually not about feelings, but about responding to God's call.
on July 7, 2012
As an individual who has read MANY self help books, mostly pertaining to relationships, I was truly amazed by this book and HIGHLY recommend it for any man OR woman that craves the elusive balance of love and PEACE in their union. It is a real page turner that I too was not able to put down. It has been a long time since I read a book with my highlighter! Lol
When I shared bits of it with my Fella, he was impressed on how it sounded TRUE to him. He never seemed to get the sense that I was trying to "teach" or "correct" him or get him to make changes to himself that would suit MY needs. I hope one day he chooses to read it.
I have never felt impressed upon to write a review on a product as strongly as I feel impressed upon to write this one. Whether you are currently married or you are single looking for a mate...this is the handbook for you. I believe this book is truly Biblically inspired based on Ephesians 5:33. In all of the years I have read or heard that verse, I had NEVER noticed the word RESPECT in it. This God breathed verse is indeed the KEY that I was not fortunate enough to have read when I was Married. I actually lived through an example of the success of this theory in my personal life Without knowing it with (sadly) my now ex-Husband. One time while he was paying for our meal he automatically figured out a total in his mind that produced not only a generous tip to our waitress but also ended in a nice even dollar figure on our debit card bill. When we left the restaurant, I commented to him, "That's amazing how you always do that. How you can SO quicky calculate the total of the bill, include the tip and always come out with a nicely rounded up figure!" This was something he had always done throughout our Marriage but I'd never voiced my admiration of him for it until that moment. After that experience he always took his time calculating the bill and smiled at me each time. ; )
I know, without a doubt, we would have never divorced if we'd of had this book. I know it seems like NO book could deliver all things but this book is grounded in Scripture and THAT is ALL it requires to be based upon the TRUTH. Gentlemen, next time you are feeling disrespected in an argument with your Lady, remind her that even though you are having this disagreement, you need her to know how much you love her. Ladies, when you voice your respect, admiration and appreciation for ANYTHING you feel towards your Man for what he does or who he is, VOICE it...Ladies and Gentleman...pay attention to your results! BUY THIS BOOK. ; )
on March 20, 2012
I read this book like a thriller novel - I actually couldn't put it down. It explained so many of the gaps in my mostly-healthy marriage. I found his views on the roles in marriage very refreshing and eye-opening while still being biblically sound and not at all kooky. He makes it very clear that men and women are equal in marriage and that both require love AND respect, but shows that God has made men to need respect in particular, and that women are specially designed to need love. As a woman I found it difficult sometimes to read about giving unconditional respect to my husband. In this day and age, we are told that respect is to be earned, not given unconditionally. But in a marriage that is struggling, someone has to make the first move! Too many TV shows hammer down the husbands as dumb, ignorant, beer-chugging oafs while their wives domineer the house. This book shows how to encourage your husband to lead your home, and how a man can love and honor his wife. Be the bigger person and offer your spouse love/respect first, and you will find yourself in a much, much more wonderful marriage!
on July 14, 2011
"The Love She Most Desires. The respect he desperately needs".
I wish I could give a book six stars because this one absolutely earned it! I found that this one book answered 95% of the questions I had in regards to how to best communicate and honour my husband. Although many marriage books give great tips, 'Love & Respect' got to the core of how and why men and women interpret love very very differently.
Here are my four best take-aways from the book:
1. The core of great marital communication through love and respect is Biblically based "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Eph 5:33. When God gives wisdom, you know you can't go wrong!
2. Dr.Eggerich's defines the 'Crazy Cycle': without love she reacts, without respect he reacts'..repeat, repeat'.He gives amazing tips for how to get off the crazy cycle and truly communicate in a way that makes sense to your partner.
3. He explains that men and women hear and see with respective blue and pink glasses and hearing aids. What a woman says from a pink position will be interpreted very differently by her blue husband. The two genders do not process communication the same way and often feelings get hurt. He explains how to understand what your pink or blue spouse needs to hear and the way they need to hear it.
4. The author gives in depth insights into how your spouse is reassured of your love through the clever acronyms of COUPLE and CHAIRS. If you've ever wondered what your spouse needs from you in order to have a full "love tank", the answers are right here and they are guaranteed not what you have been taught in any other book.
If you want to create more connection, more friendship, and more understanding in your marriage then this is the book for you.
on February 7, 2011
Your marriage is one of the most important relationships of your life. And everyone strives to make his or her marriage better and better. The book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a widely known book that teaches the Biblically based concepts of love and respect in marriage. Eggerichs says that when these concepts are practiced in a marriage, a couple can experience marriage as God intended it.
I found this to be one of the most practical, clear and well supported books on marriage I have read. Eggerichs gives both real life examples and Biblical evidence for the points he makes. The basic premise is that a man desires to be respected and a woman desires to be loved. When this does not happen in a marriage, the couple gets on the 'Crazy Cycle,' leading to a break down in the marriage. Eggerichs gives concrete and practical tips on how to reenergize your marriage and get off the crazy cycle.
I found that what Eggerichs says women desire rang true with me. And while I know I have a pretty good marriage, I was convicted to respect my husband more. Our marriage can be even better, and I now have some great tools to use to make that happen.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to make his or her marriage better.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the [...] book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255
Like other reviewers, I found this book to be a very useful guide in supplying me with fresh insight to my marriage of thirty-two years. Eggerichs sets up "Love and Respect" to help his readers ascertain what are the important strengths and potential weaknesses of their marital relationship. In the course of over twenty chapters, Eggerichs works with his readers to probe, analyze, discuss and redefine the critical nature of what makes for a solid husband-wife team. Here are some of the tips and Christian truths my wife and I gleaned from this very thorough and methodical study:
A. That husbands and wives are emotionally wired differently: one to love the other to respect;
B. Marriages can flounder when either or both partners feel they are not being emotionally recognized or supported;
C. Closeness and openness in a marriage are two forces that don't have to be mutually exclusive in a marriage;
D. Saying sorry is not a bad thing for either side if it breaks the emotional logjam or crazy cycle and heals the discord;
E. Listening and responding positively to the feelings of the other side is often all it takes to strengthen a marriage;
F. That decisions in a relationship, while reflective of a mutual regard and respect, ultimately fall to one person to make;
G. The worlds of husband and wife are often tinted differently with respect to how they see and value things. That is just how we are made so start adjusting your sights!
H. Reconciliation comes when partners learn the importance of taking the first step. Setting aside one's ego, while hard and risky, often results in great reward and improved understanding;
I. Everything Eggerichs shares with us in this book is bible-based, indicating that this is the plan God wants for our lives and not some patchwork theory dreamt up in the halls of academia. The essence of a good marriage is one that is filled with the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, and peace - that encourage its partners to grow together in Him;
J. As a realist, Eggerich does consider the possibilities of the love and respect concept not working for some. Instead of simply dismissing it as the exception to the rule, he discusses the importance of having a close relationship with Christ as the essential precondition and starting point in rebuilding a failing marriage. If the other side does not respond to increased love or respect, God is still able to bless that marriage because one partner has decided to break the crazy cycle of 'He won't, I won't" attitudes. Overall, a great learning experience, especially for couples going through it together.