on February 4, 2013
I'm kinky, poly and queer and I found this book to be useful. Yes, it's garnished with biblical quotes and marriage elitism but the five love languages I believe can be relevant to everyone nevertheless.
It kind of reminds me of the Myers-Briggs personality tests - remember those? They helped us measure how social and how intro/extroverted we are, etc. Well, it's kind of like that in this book. The author gets us to explore how we prefer to be loved so that we can communicate it better to our partner(s). Are you more likely to feel loved through touch? Gifts? Acts of service? Quality time? Loving words? A combination? Which one? What does it look like for you? What about your partner/s? Here's a whole new way to have a conversation about wants and needs!
Another tool in my toolbox!
on June 3, 2006
The number one thing I learned from this book is that people receive and interpret love in varying ways. Just because I intend to show love, doesn't always mean that the other person feels loved when they receive my action or gift.
This book instructs readers in identifying, understanding, and learning the ways that the other people in our lives (mainly our spouse) receive love and loving messages best. This information can then be used to actually show them love in their way...and that translates into them really, deeply, and sincerely feeling love and loved.
This is a must read for:
- married couples who have celebrated many, many years together
- newly married couples
- engaged couples
- people thinking of getting engaged
- anyone who counsels married or engaged couples
- anyone who wants to learn to show more love to their spouse
- anyone who wants to learn to show more love to their children, friends, or other relatives.
*You don't need to wait until your marriage/relationship is in turmoil to implement the principles in this book (although it would be a help if that's where you're at)
...it's a great resource to make a good thing better!
This book is so incredibly helpful and practical...I highly recommend this book to men and women who are thinking of marrying. It is also a great help in other close relationships with children, friends, or extended relatives.
I thought I already knew how to show love to my husband...but this book revealed to me ways I could show even more love ... and best of all ... I learned how to show love in a way that he receives a 'love message' best. In turn, he is showing me more love (even though I already felt pretty loved) ... and he didn't even read the book yet!!
This book was so good that I bought an extra copy to circulate among my friends. I am hoping to do a couples' study using this book in the fall of 2006!
on August 15, 2015
If a couple really decides to use the suggestions in this book , it could save their relationship/marriage. I would highly recommend this book to everyone. There is even a Quiz that can be taken to determine what your Primary Love Language is. I wish I had this book years ago, and if I had I may Not have gotten divorced. If I had I known these 5 Love Language I think we could have rebuilt our marriage. WE both had emotionally EMPTY LOVE Tanks because we did not know HOW to show each other that we truly loved and cared for one another in the LOVE Language that OUR spouse/partner could Really understand. My Primary Love Language was Quality Time. I wanted him to spend Quality Time with me, doing Anything, it did not matter if it was just going out for supper together, or going to a movie, His primary Love Language, were words of affirmation/compliments and Acts of service when I would do something really special & nice just for him. We never did enough of these things in our spouses Correct Love Language and never recognized this, and Now I am a divorce statistic. Gary Chapman the author has counselled thousands and save so many relationships/marriages. You will be extremely happy that you read this book. I now use this book as a guide to All my other relationships and try to speak their Primary Love language, whether it is with my Sister, my son, my Aunts, etc. etc. When you find out What really & truly makes others feel truly loved and special then you are on the road to very happy successful relationships no matter who it is with.
on December 5, 2006
This is simply one of the best relationship books ever written. Both my wife and I read the book and completed the action items, and it has helped our marriage immensely. Chapman's insight into how to keep your partner's "love tank" full is innovative and practical. The book is written in easy to read chapters, and Chapman cites his work with other couples to illustrate specific points. By doing so, he gives the reader a "real world" examples of how understanding your partner's love language will strengthen your relationship and open communication. The reader can easily relate to these examples and identify with their challenges, and subsequent victories. My wife and I recommend this book to every couple we know, whether their relationship is good, bad or other.
on January 12, 2004
This book is absolutely incredible. Having serious marital problems, I was desperate for any kind of help. I was about to turn to counseling when I heard about this book. I decided to buy it so that my husband and I could read it together.
Not expecting too much, one lazy morning I suggested to my husband that we lay in bed and begin reading this book out loud to eachother. We read 120 pages that morning! We could not put it down! Both of us shed a lot of tears that morning, this book really hit home.
That morning when we woke up, everything seemed hopeless for us. After reading this book, we had hope that our problems can be resolved. Our attitude toward eachother has greatly changed since we read this book.
Basically this book explains that people feel loved in different ways. For example, my love language is "quality time" and my husband's love language is "personal touch." Without quality time with my husband, I feel unloved... my husband feels unloved when we have a lack of physical contact. Our love languages are so different... before reading this book, I just thought that my husband wanted more sex for selfish reasons. When in reality, personal contact is what he needs to feel loved. Before reading this book, my husband hated when I nagged about spending time together.. but now he realizes that spending time with me is the best way to tell me that he loves me.
Dr. Chapman says in this book that LOVE IS A CHOICE. Find your partner's love language style, then choose to show love to your partner in that way (it's not about what YOU need to feel loved, it's about what YOUR PARTNER needs). I thought that spending quality time with my spouse was the way I can show him I love him. In reality, that's MY love language, not HIS.
Even if your partner does not want to read this book with you, there are ways you can begin to repair your marriage on your own, and before you know it, your partner will begin to reciprocate.
This book is INCREDIBLE. I plan to pass it around my friends and family. Please invest the $12 and read this book, your marriage will never be the same again!
on July 20, 2001
After reading this book, I'm not sure the author actually accomplished what he set out to do. Yes, there are different forms of communicating, anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that (or should). But the real difficulty is in learning how to speak (or to listen) in one of the other languages. I'm not sure if this book really addresses the "How to express" aspect of the problem in a very usefull way.
on June 18, 2004
I lucked up on this book. I didn't read it page by page. I thumbed through the book and got the basis of the book which is simple. I do believe that many times people are thinking they are being loving but not actually giving what their partner needs. I personally believe that every couple needs all of the 5 love languages in their relationship, but some may be more important than others. It was a reminder to me to try to make a choice to give the type of love I know my partner desires. I believe that if your mate is happy and their love tank is full, they will be less likely to stray in the relationship. It is a pretty good book. It is not the bible, where every word can be held to truth, but it is good and practical. I just checked out The Five Languages of Children today. I think we should all take time to read books that will strenghthen our minds to make us better mates and better parents.
on June 3, 2004
I learned a very practical lesson from this book: I need to love people in ways they will perceive as love. It sounds simple: I don't give a T-bone steak to my six-month old boy, and I don't give books on engineering to my wife, who loves romantic novels. Yet I am often too selfish to learn what really communicates love.
The main point of the book is that "real" love is a choice, and when exercising that choice, it needs to be done wisely, by loving someone in the manner ("love language") that communicates love best to that person. And then the feelings will follow, Chapman says, since "feelings follow choice." In contrast, he says, "falling in love" is spontaneous and often irrational. So the only real romantic love proceeds from choices grounded in duty.
I call this book unromantic, and do not mean that completely as criticism. Relationships have significant components of work and sacrifice that are not always romantic.
But perhaps Chapman has gone too far.
He has de-emphasized the romantic aspects of love so much that he has in effect denied what romantic literature for centuries has taught us, and in fact, what the only Biblical book about romantic love teaches us, too: that falling in love is not an irrational response, but a choice and response based on the qualities perceived in the beloved; that it need not be temporary, but can last, in various forms, through a lifetime; and that it is a reflection of the nature of God and also his relationship to us.
The Biblical book to which I refer, of course, is the Song of Solomon. The lovers fall in love because of the qualities they perceive in each other, and the completeness they feel together. That is why the Song is filled with so much mutual praise. It is also filled with feelings of wonder and delight. When the lovers of the Song display such delight on their wedding night, the Creator Himself endorses their feelings, encouraging them to celebrate this love and enjoy it. What Chapman disdains, the Creator embraces.
Chapman says that falling in love is illusory, unreal because it is spontaneous, not arising from duty. The Song of Solomon shows quite the opposite: that romantic love is a wonderful reality; that spontaneity is part of its beauty; and that devotion arises from love, rather than love from duty. Love gives birth to acts of love like "grace" gives birth to "works" from love. And neither the acts nor works are diminished because they arise spontaneously and joyfully, with all the feelings lovers have always described.
Chapman also says that the beginning of romantic love is mostly self-centered, evidenced in part by no concern for the personal growth of the other. But nothing could be further from the truth. "In one high bound," C.S. Lewis writes, "it has overleaped the massive wall of our selfhood. It has made appetite itself altruistic, tossed personal happiness aside as a triviality, and planted the interests of another in the center of our being."
Imagine two people with no possibility of a natural attraction between themselves reading Chapman's book. Are they to believe that by following his instructions they can create romantic love for each other --not the love God asks us to show towards all, but the romantic love shared only by two? Will romantic love follow their romantic choices?
I like some of Chapman's book, but I like the Song of Solomon better. In the final analysis, it is simply more realistic. It doesn't ask me to believe that any two people, unsuitable or not, have the power to create romantic love for each other, if they so choose. On the contrary, the Song encourages us to patiently wait for its arrival, and the special person with whom we will best experience it. And it suggests that behind my joyful choice of a partner is the Songwriter's choice of a gift; that love finds me as much as I find it.
For the distinction between Christian love for all and romantic love shared by two, The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis is helpful. For the romantic aspects of love, Solomon's Song of Love by Glickman is quite refreshing.
on December 11, 2004
Communication is such an important element in any relationship. If the communication signals are out-of-wack, every area of the relationship can be affected in some way. So we can't just speak the language we're most fluent/comfortable in, we've got to learn to speak and communicate within the language of those that we care about. Sometimes there isn't a problem with people truly loving one another; the problem is they don't always know how to communicate that effectively, at least not until they learn one another's love language.
This isn't just a book for those who are married or dating, but this is a good book for friends who want to learn how to communicate better with one another. People have different ways of showing that they care and different expectations. Some may give gifts and receiving gifts may be important to them as an expression of caring. Whereas others may prefer to be more verbal because hearing words of affirmation is most important to them. And yet others just want quality time spent together.
This book provides great explanations that will help married people and single people learn how to love and communicate much better.
Also recommended: Love Loves, ISBN 0595335241
on April 18, 2004
Gary Chapman has an easy-to-read writing style. In this book he claims that we experience one of the five love languages, which is how we best receive love from other individuals. He calls the languages quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The theory is that we easily give from the language we enjoy receiving the most. Relationships can get into trouble when one partner gives from his primary love language, but the other partner has a different primary love language and does not receive it as love. The partner that is giving may feel rejected or like their contribution is not worth much to the other or is unappreciated. In fact, it's due to the way the two different individuals experience "love".
Gary Chapman does a good job of explaining each of the five types. Not surprisingly, my husband and I fell into different categories. It's helped us in two ways:
1) to learn to communicate with the other in his or her primary love language,
2) to be able to see when the other person is approaching us with his or her primary language
I enjoyed this book and it has had a positive impact on my relationship.