on July 14, 2005
After my marriage suddenly ended I spent all my time in the self-help section of a major book store chain looking for the one book that would have the answers to help me get over the traumatic break up. I flipped through every book they had on the shelves. I went to through every section that was remotely related. 'Relationships', 'Self-help', 'Divorce' 'Loss', 'Grieving', 'Psychology', etc. I wanted to find that 'quick fix'.
After purchasing a few books that did really nothing for me, a friend recommended this book to me.
I wished that I had found this book earlier. This book is like a relationship bible. It has practical steps on how to get through the pain, talks about the different feelings that you will go through and coming through the other side into your new life just to name a few. There will be times when you read it and will totally identify with what's being said. This book contains many little 'gold nuggets' of information. Little gems of wisdowm sprinkled throughout the book.
This book was the best one out there that I found and it was very much worth the money. This is the only book that you will need. You won't be disappointed.
Have faith and trust that you will recover. I did.
on September 29, 2003
This book gives excellent, practical advice for toiling through 19 stages of recovery in a divorce. Each chapter is unique, and gives homework for the person to work through topics like anger, loneliness, grieving, etc. I found the chapter on dumper/dumpee relationships (grief vs. guilt) and the chapter on love to be the most valuable. Fisher describes many types of love, and allows a confused person to sort out where they and their spouse actually stood with each other, both during and after a marriage. Unravelling confusion is important to anybody going through a divorce. I cannot more strongly recommend this book to anybody who has been dumped by their spouse. Buy it, keep it, and go back to it many times over the months you may be trying to "climb your mountain".
on May 29, 2004
Years ago, when my first marriage ended, a friend loaned me this book and I'm so grateful that he did. Well, I need it again. So I picked up another copy of this book. Divorce and separation is an excruciatingly painful experience. The author gives straight forward and practical advise on how to cope with this type of loss. When your heart is breaking and you feel as if you will drown in your grief, having this book will help anchor you when you might not be thinking very straight. The book "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends," will not only comfort you, it will be your own personal guide to aid in the healing process and starting your life over.
on February 18, 2003
A close friend, a survivor of divorce, gave me this book when I started my divorce and I am thankful for that, as well as the authors. When I first read it, it felt as if someone is peering into my mind and picking my thoughts and feelings, it's almost unreal how the authors know EXACTLY what I feel and what help I need. The book is remarkably easy to read and understand but please do not be fooled. It's not as easy to do the exercises because it's A LOT of pain, but the exercises are really useful and totally essential. All you need is to be totally honest with yourself and how you feel. This is a wonderful companion to take on your journey in singlehood. You will survive singlehood.
on January 6, 2010
Whenever I know of someone who has separated from their spouse I immediately recommend this book. It is, in my opinion, essential reading. It lets us know that what we feel at such a time is completely NORMAL and that things do get better. It also reminds us that we have a LOT more freedom to rediscover ourselves than we ever imagined.
The book presents a series of 19 building blocks that most separated people progress through (starting with such nasties as Fear, Loneliness, Anger and even Guilt) leading all the way to Freedom. Not everyone progresses through the building blocks in the same sequence, nor in the same amount of time. Some people get stuck at some stages and, I think, this is the book's greatest strength. It reminds us that there are feelings we need to work through BEFORE we can really consider ourselves healed (or mostly healed). And we're really not very useful to ourselves (or our children) if we don't take the effort to start that healing. We deserve better. We deserve being all that we can be and progressing through those blocks will help you do so.
It is not an easy ready since it does make us really think but I have found the advice (after 3 years of being separated) is solid, practical and true .... sometimes in hindsight (as in ... "d'oh they were right").
on August 20, 2000
This book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. "Rebuilding" is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. It is comforting to read that we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Build up these two areas, and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope.
on January 12, 2010
This is a very good book for those who just went through or are going through a divorce or separation. I'm not normally a person that reads self help books, as this is my first. I wish I needed self help on a different subject but alas this is my new road. I could not believe how often I read parts in it and said, 'crap that's exactly what I was thinking, and thats what has been going on in my house and with my soon to be ex- other half'. I was always a little leery on self help as I thought ' what kind of person needs this sort of thing'. Well, as I now grow older and hopefully wiser, I am the type of person that needs a book like this, just your average person trying to get through a tough situation. Every chapter does make my situation a little more bearable, and I am very glad to have opened up and read this book. Thanks.
on March 31, 2010
This book was recommended by my counsellor after I separated from my spouse. The book is compelling because it identifies almost all of the typical emotions and feelings and thoughts one may have after a relationship ends and then suggests ways of coping or understanding them. It does promote a particular philosophy that one must rebuild one's self esteem; a kind of self love promotion before getting into a new relationship. It is good in this sense because it prepares one before you go back out into the jungle of love looking for your soul mate. Hope this helps.
on January 5, 2016
Its been 12 years since my divorce and fortunately I found the people and then the book and then the workshop book and workshop along the very early part of my divorce journey. I was the dumpee, and hence had a lot of catching up to do to understand my role in my marital breakdown. I won't repeat the other glowing remarks from other readers reviews... they are all totally true. This book is about working thru your divorce, not trying to forget about it, blaming the other spouse (even if they did cheat) or just 'moving on'. The scars will follow you and open up in every relationship after, if you don't do the work NOW. Its painful and the book brings you through stages/levels of your climb, that you may not want to face but when you get the strength to, your life will surge forward. If you have other scars you've tried to bury, then they will be opened up by the divorce as well. I met many folks along the way and after many years are still stuck...blaming, not trusting, multiple partners, another divorce... unhealthy mental and physical behavior. The book is about digging deep, it talks about those thoughts you find it difficult to discuss with anyone, then gives you ideas on how to handle each stage. One of the best parts that I haven't seen others talk about in their reviews, is at the end of every chapter, they discuss the stage your children are at as well, working thru their emotions and thoughts about the divorce, and how you can help them. Your children are watching you, and they get stuck at the same stages as you do eg. are you angry..they will be too. We are shaping their core ideas about future love relationships they will choose to be in and stay in. The book teaches you to be raw, to talk from the heart, to share with your children what life is like, and what it can become when one truly works on situations that can knock you down - resilience is a fundamental life skill. Read the book, and DO the recommendations, buy the workbook as well...if not for you then for your kids sake. PS I've been in a healthy long term relationship and I'm thriving not just surviving as before.
on May 1, 2002
This book is a very helpful tool for anyone who is experiencing the pain and emotional turmoil of a break-up, whether you were married or not, whether you were the "Dumper" or "Dumpee." I especially liked the comparison of climbing the moutain, taking each level and learning those lessons at each level - and that sometimes you would come to an understanding at one level and as you moved up to the next, you may realize there was still more to learn "back there" where you had just left, at a lower level of the mountain. But the book ALLOWS you to understand that these feelings are a process, that there is no easy or orderly way to experience them, and that it's perfectly OK to step up the moutain and then back down a couple of steps, up again, down again - until you come to understand it all and allow yourself to experience that understanding. Each step helps you to deal with the last, and you don't have to "finish" in one area before you move onto the next. You learn in your own way and your own time, yet the words are always there to comfort, encourage and teach you. This book put it all in perspective for me, gave me permission to feel pain and confusion, and helped me through each phase of my struggle, reminding me of my worth and teaching me the most important lesson of all - which is to take care of and value myself. I recommend it highly.