After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful Hardcover – Apr 1996
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From Publishers Weekly
For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive. In jargon-free prose, she urges both partners to probe the deeper meaning of the affair, to explore why it happened and to accept responsibility for it. Recognizing unstated assumptions held by oneself or one's mate is an integral part of this process, and the authors include exercises, concise case studies and checklists of suggestions to guide readers through the difficult task of healing. This wise book fills a gap on the self-help shelf. First serial to Cosmopolitan; available on audiocassette.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From the Back Cover
After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from theshattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinicalpsychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies thataddress such questions as: * Why did it happen? * Once love and trust aregone, can we ever get them back? * Can I—should I—recommit when I feelso ambivalent? * How do we become sexually intimate again? * Is forgivenesspossible? * What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?--This text refers to the Audio CD edition. See all Product Description
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Top Customer Reviews
Further, she continually places too much blame on the faithful spouse, while coddling the unfaithful spouse. "Each of you must accept an appropriate share of responsibility for what went wrong. Rather than assign blame, I encourage each of you to confront thse parts of yourself that led to the affair, and to change in ways that rebuild trust and intimacy."
She further says that I should apologize to my wife for driving her to the affair.
Having said all that, the book does have some redeaming qualities. She does an excellent job of addressing all of the range of emotions that we go through. I might recommend that the faithful, hurt, confused spouse read this book to help understand what you are going through, but take the parts that blame you with somewhat of a grain of salt.
I am not saying that the faithful spouse is always free and clear of blame in my opinion. I just find it hard to believe that the faithful spouse is always to blame.
This is rough reading from the start. In the intro chapter, the author makes the statement that she doesn't classify affairs as bad or good. She then proceeds to formally state that both partners are responsible for the affair occuring. Not responsible for issues in the relationship, but directly responsible for the affair. For many this is pure baloney!!! She has very little compassion for the betrayed and it is clear even in the intro. If you are the betrayer, you will love this book. If you are the betrayed, this book may actually be traumatic to read. You will feel no empathy from Spring. She talks about people who are essentially describing how they feel they have been disemboweled and their guts are everywhere as 'normal' and again w/o empathy. She practically says, see those intestines, that is normal, now step over the mess and lets proceed with how they helped cause the betrayal.
I continued reading until I really couldn't take it anymore. I think it is written so callously it is scary. It is perfect for the betrayer who doesn't want to feel too bad. So if you are the spouse who did not cheat, tread cautiously, you may actually find yourself feeling really betrayed by Spring as well.
This wonderful book clearly shows how EACH partner reacts, and how those reactions feel, and it is a vital resource for both partners to read in order to heal, and move forward together in a healthy, positive manner. It is also important to remember that trust is built again over time, and through many small experiences.
You will learn how to stop negative reactions, and how to communicate with authenticity from the heart, rather than blame. This book is a MUST READ for anyone who is with someone that has been through the guilt, pain, and trauma of an affair, and how re-build again. Highly Recommended! Barbara Rose, author of, 'Individual Power' and 'If God Was Like Man'
Most recent customer reviews
It was what I expected. The only issue was that it arrived over two weeks late.Published 18 months ago by tylerk
This book was recommended to me and my husband by our marriage therapist. I have never felt a self-help book would be useful. Read morePublished on Oct. 31 2010 by Marilee Collomb
This looked at the pros and cons for both partners after an affair. It is a balanced account of how to mend relationships or decide to let go. Read morePublished on Sept. 30 2009 by Sian
AFTER THE AFFAIR is a must read if you are struggling in the aftermath of an affair. It provides such a great insight on why things happen and really challenges to explore your... Read morePublished on March 1 2005 by ThomsEBynum
What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD... Read morePublished on Jan. 25 2004
This should be the first book you read after you find out about the affair. You will find out that what you feel is normal, you're not going crazy, you're not the only one, and... Read morePublished on Dec 25 2003