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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) by [Gualtieri, Rick]
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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) Kindle Edition

4.0 out of 5 stars 1 customer review

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Length: 364 pages Word Wise: Enabled

I Let You Go for 4.99, today only I Let You Go for 4.99, today only

Product Description

Product Description


Bill Ryder was a dateless geek, but then he met a girl to die for. So he did. Unfortunately for him, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier, and a lot cooler than he is ... and they all want to kick his teeth in.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of immortal monsters and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them off, even if it gets him killed - permanently this time.


Bill The Vampire is book one in the bestselling Tome of Bill urban fantasy series.

If you enjoy The Dresden Files or The Iron Druid Chronicles then click Buy Now for a bloody good time with a nerdy twist.

Product Details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 2592 KB
  • Print Length: 364 pages
  • Publisher: Westmarch Publishing (Jan. 10 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Not Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars 1 customer review
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #110,842 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Very funny.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on (beta) HASH(0xa45ef2a0) out of 5 stars 409 reviews
41 of 44 people found the following review helpful
HASH(0xa8c80150) out of 5 stars Fun to read Oct. 16 2011
By N. Valente - Published on
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
146 of 170 people found the following review helpful
HASH(0xa4a20174) out of 5 stars Not good. Or funny. Or good. Jan. 30 2013
By MacHaggis - Published on
Format: Kindle Edition
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
66 of 75 people found the following review helpful
HASH(0xa4ff9600) out of 5 stars Bill The Vampire Jock Aug. 5 2014
By Gustav Bertram - Published on
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
If you're thinking of buying this, I strongly suggest trying the free sample first to see if it is to your taste. I thought this would be a book for geeks, by a geek. It's not.

Bill is not a nerd. Bill can't remember his D&D character class (battlemage or swordmage, hmmmm?). Bill buys nonexistent D&D books. Bill says things like Blade-the-vampire-hunter. Nobody says Blade-the-vampire-hunter. They just say Blade. Blade has three movies, and just how many other Blades can you think of exactly, Bill?

Bill is a jock. Bill calls women bitches, men dicks, and is more than a little homophobic. Bill thinks about rape a disturbing amount. Bill regularly gets really drunk. Bill thinks that his friend raving about finding a cool collectible is "psycho obsessive". Bill recognizes the machines in the gym. Bill punches people in the junk. Bill hates MIT.

In conclusion, the dialogue reads like a frat boy trying to imitate a nerd. To be fair, the dialogue improves somewhat about halfway through the book, when Bill's internal monologue features less. By improve, I mean that there's slightly less overt swearing and homophobia. The misogyny is still pretty strong.

Many of the characters sound more or less the same, to the point that different characters make the same "I just told you something untrue. Psych! It wasn't true after all. I gotcha, didn't I?" joke.

The Darkwing Duck line was funny. It's a pity that almost nothing else was.
40 of 44 people found the following review helpful
HASH(0xa4cef96c) out of 5 stars A Tour de Farce! Sept. 11 2011
By Mike Burton - Published on
Format: Kindle Edition
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
82 of 95 people found the following review helpful
HASH(0xa4bba7ec) out of 5 stars Another book about vampires, only this time the vampire is a nerd (and kind of homophobic) May 30 2013
By Scott - Published on
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.