Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?: Trusting God with a Hope Deferred Paperback – Jun 17 2004

I recently finished reading a book on singleness. It's not the kind of book that I'm usually drawn to. I read hard-hitting theology, meaty fiction or compelling non-fiction. I particularly avoid this genre because experience has taught me that I roll my eyes approximately three times per page (I suppose that shows my own degree of sanctification ... but I digress).

Historically, I find myself thinking that these books are written by women who are trying to convince themselves that they're okay. I could summarize them as: "I'm okay. I'm Okay. I'm OKAY, right? Okay? Anyone? Anyone?"

Carolyn McCulley is different in "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred" (title is courtesy of her pastor, Josh Harris). She is not a single woman in search of identity and meaning; she is a woman whose identity and meaning are rooted in Christ ... and her situation happens to be "single." As I said, I usually avoid these books, but I actually sought this one out after reading an article about beauty and later learning that it was an excerpt from this book.

Carolyn McCulley examines the single life in biblical categories that transcend the "single Christian woman" genre and that show that the whole of Scripture speaks to me, as a daughter of God who happens to be single at this stage of my life. And so the book slides back into a genre that's more comfortable for me: hard-hitting (but imminently practical) theology.

As hard-hitting theology, McCulley makes five points that I consider for essential for every identity=Christian-situation=single woman out there. I'm working on internalizing this list:

1. Trusting God with a hope deferred.
2. Contentment while we wait.
3. Faithfulness to sow for the future, even when we're in tears.
4. Graciousness to rejoice when others receive what we would like to have.
5. Humility to pray to be a blessing, rather than to receive a blessing.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I've already recommended this book generously (I'm sure there are a few people who are sick of hearing me talk about it; good thing I've finished it!) -- I think it's essential reading for every Christian-woman-whose-situation-is-singleness, and also for people who are in a position to counsel or encourage single people (e.g. there's a humorous list of things NOT to say to single women at weddings).

Here are a few more brief reasons why I recommend this book so highly:

* She is Gospel and Christ-centered. what Christ accomplished through his life, death and resurrection has a direct impact on the way I live my life as a single woman. She tells us how and models it in a humble and humorous way.

* She emphasizes the sovereignty and the goodness of God in our singleness. Remember: these two characteristics of God go hand-in-hand! I think single people are particuarly susceptible to believing the world's lies about relationships -- especially less-than-subtle hints to "broaden our horizons" and then we'll find a man. Carolyn reminds us that the Lord of heaven and earth is our horizon ... how much broader can you get?!!!

* But while encouraging trust, she does not encourage apathy. She deftly, honestly and biblically maneuvers through the "singleness as a gift" passage by the New Testament's second most prominent single guy (Jesus being the first): the Apostle Paul. Your singleness is a gift TO THE CHURCH, not something akin to a birthday gift that you can trade in for a better color if the original doesn't really suit you. Singleness is a call to wise stewardship, which involves investing ourselves in Christ's body in ways that we are uniquely suited to do. She emphatically rejects the lie that we are of less use to God or to the church -- but in such a way that I was convinced Scripturally, not under the impression that she was trying to convince herself! (By the way, she also recognizes that being single while you desire to be married is a form of suffering and directs readers to the manifold biblical wisdom and counsel to those who suffer.)

* She also offers highly practical advice, both for now and to sow for the future. This ranges from cultivating womanly skills by learning from older women, to counsel to invest for the future, use money wisely and even to buy a house (debunking the "you're giving up hope if you buy a house" myth).

* There are two sections that I would specifically commend: the one on modesty/beauty that first intrigued me, and a passage on speech, especially what our grumbling says about our view of God.

I think what I appreciated about every page of this book is that I was at once affirmed, encouraged and challenged. Affirmed to see that I've already been doing some of the things and cultivating some of the thought patterns that she commends. Encouraged because I was consistently reminded where my deepest identity lies -- in a loving Savior who will withhold no good thing from me, and who cares about the smallest detail of my life. Challenged because there's so much room for maturity -- Carolyn helped me identify several specific areas of thought patterns and serving others where I can target change in the short run.

In the long run? Who knows -- God willing, I'd love to be married and enjoying the fruit of the seeds that I'm sowing now. If not, I have a godly pattern set out before me -- through this hard-hitting theology, a hermeneutic for reading Scripture for a lifetime of biblical womanhood, and through the examples of the women around me, made more recognizeable through this book -- to keep living a cross-centered life, whatever my situation happens to be.

Ms McCully writes with humor yet loaded with hope, vision and purpose for the ever increasing number of Christian single women in our world. A unique voice, charged with personal self-diclosure, integrity to take on the authenticity of life for the Christian woman today, and armed with biblical truth to separate and discern what a unique gift single life is and to infuse vision and courage and finishing the race with faithfulness.

This book is full of insight and hope, not a book to pick up if you want someone to console your pity, rather a book that genuinely takes on the very real challenges and temptations in our culture with integrity, even within The Church, for the Christian woman today. Sin in this book is sin. Good is good. Right is right. Godly is godly.

By far, the best part of the book is the hope it instills that we can walk faithfully, gratefully and with a heart of praise.

Here are the chapter headings.

Table of Contents:

1. "You're Still Single?": Hard questions, Godward answers

2. Esteeming the Gift: Why the Bible calls singleness a gift and for what purpose

3. God's Quiet Providence: God is still working when nothing seems to be happening

4. A Woman of Noble Character: The priceless worth of a virtuous woman

5. Do Him Good All the Days of Your Life: Why guarding your heart before marriage matters

6. Respected at the City Gate: Observing and serving the men around you

7. Food From Afar: Having a love for the home and hospitality when you're oftne gone

8. Out of Her Earnings: Wisdom in the workplace with an eye on eternity

9. The Blessing of Children: Investing in the Next Generation

10. Deceptive Charm: The heart issues of beauty, aging, and Worldliness

11. Wise Speech: The impact of women's words for building up or tearing down

12. Reaching Out to the Needy: Subduing self-centerdness through serving others

13. Laughing at the Time to Come: How to finish well in a youth-oriented world

I recently read Carolyn McCulley's book, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? I was pleasantly surprised and inspired by her genuine candidness and honest approach to what can be such a sensitive subject. She dives into the topic of Biblical womanhood with refreshing purposefulness, emphasizing that no matter in what stage of life a woman might find herself, God has good plans for her to walk in that are meaningful. McCulley's writing is laugh-out-loud humerous at times and also extremely heartfelt as she
writes of her own life and the struggle that women face as they wait for marriage and family. I also found very helpful insights for married individuals on what not to say to single women when they are trying to help them. I highly recommend this book. There is not another one on the market like this! Enjoy!

Carolyn McCulley's wit and wisdom shine through in this practical guide to living the godly single life. She consistently points single women longing for marriage back to Jesus and back to the cross. Most helpful were her chapters on the Proverbs 31 woman, she made it clear that the virtues of a married woman have to be the virtues of a single woman first. Her personal anecdotes are hilariously helpful as she humbly shares her life to make her application of scripture clear. I have learned much about loving God more, and living my life for his glory from Ms. McCulley. SOOO glad this book was written!

I loved this book! Carolyn McCulley clearly understands the issues Christian single women face today. I married at age 39, and how I wish this book had been available for me a few years ago. Carolyn makes it clear that the biblical principles in Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 apply to singles as well as married women. Singles can have hospitable homes, be a vital part of families, and build up the body of Christ. The part I appreciate most, though, is the author's ability to explain all of this with grace and a sense of humor. Her list of ten things never to say to a single woman at a wedding is worth the price of the book! This author did her homework. This isn't just a "good" book to read. It will be part of my reference library. Ms. McCulley somehow was able to get past just talking about what it's like to be single to make the point that God has a sovereign purpose for all of our lives. And then she gives you guidance to help you find out what that might be for you as an individual. This book has got substance and that is one of the best things I can say about it. I'm giving copies to all of my single friends!