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Kindle Price: CDN$ 4.16
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Goldipubes by [Well, Burns]
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Goldipubes Kindle Edition


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CDN$ 4.16

Length: 8 pages Word Wise: Enabled Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
Page Flip: Enabled

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Product description

Product Description

Goldipubes is a parody of the classic fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". This book is not meant to be read by humans or those of you who are offended by anything. The events described in this book were performed by trained professionals. Do not try this at home. Immature audiences only.

WARNING: THIS BOOK IS SO INCREDIBLY HORRIFYING THAT IT'S BEEN RETURNED BY AT LEAST FOUR READERS WHO HAVE RECEIVED THE BOOK FOR FREE. DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE A PUSSY! YOUR EYES MAY BULGE, AND YOU MAY CRAP YOUR DIAPERS. THE LUNATIC AUTHOR TAKES ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY PSYCHOTHERAPY COSTS YOU MAY INCUR AS A RESULT OF READING THIS BOOK. DO NOT LET THE TITLE FOOL YOU. THIS BOOK IS FOR BATTLE-HARDENED PSYCHOPATHS ONLY.

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 572 KB
  • Print Length: 8 pages
  • Publisher: The Demons Grimm (Jan. 15 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B00HE5I5TC
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Screen Reader: Supported
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 2.8 out of 5 stars 4 reviews
3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Nasty! Don't waste any money or time on this one. Oct. 22 2014
By Amazon Customer - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
It deserves zero stars. I don't mind descriptions of sex, but this book was just gross. Rubbing diarrhea on the bears door and killing them? Really? Don't waste your time.
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars One Star Oct. 21 2014
By Kristy J. - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
One of the most stupid books I have ever had misfortune to read. Thank the gods it was free
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars ‘Nobody would make it past the first page without throwing up so violently, they'd turn themselves inside-out.’ July 13 2016
By Grady Harp - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition
Burns Well (the very name of the author suggests a dark comedic instinct) is the author of several books that sound like a wink about to happen – THE FROG PRINCE, RUMPLEDFORESKIN, USELESS SAYINGS, LITTLE RED WHORE HOOD – and now GOLDIPUBES. Whether it is all about naughty parody or just a creative author with a wonderfully warped sense of humor is up to the reader to decide.

Burns has the gift to take a well-known fairy tale and infuse it with enough naughty language and ‘additional elements’ to make it – outrageous, and if you’re not up to that then try one his short books and attempt to expand your artistic range. Burns opens this parody ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears’ with an innocent (though funny) start: ‘Long long ago, when winters were hot and summers were cold, there lived three bears. These three bears were known as "THE THREE BEARS", all in capitals, because they always yelled it at anyone who crossed their path. And they didn't
know that this was unusual behavior, because they were stupid. THE THREE BEARS consisted of Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear, and all three bears loved porridge. Now you may think that this was strange, since bears hate porridge, but this was a very long time ago... way back when bears still ate porridge.’ Then enter the title character and the language begins to taint a bit and the taste (not of the porridge but of social graces) takes a slide downhill. ‘Goldipubes, the local slut, lived under a toadstool near the home of THE THREE BEARS. Goldipubes was a blond, hence the name. And as stereotypes so often remind us, she was stupid as s***. Of course, it probably didn't help that she was high most of the time.’

Goldipubes enters the Bears’ home, tastes the porridge, tries les trois toilettes and the three beds until she finds her place – accompanied with more F bombs that you can count. Then he takes a real curve on the story involving the rescue form the bears by a prince and the involvement of the king and the entire ‘tale’ ends hilariously – with an emphasis on gross. Burns writes shockers, and for the fun of poking fun at fairytales, give him a whirl. Grady Harp, July 16
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Might be more than you can bear... April 6 2014
By Aussiescribbler - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition
If the Marquis de Sade had had a sense of humour and written fairy stories, he might have produced something along these lines. Since he didn't, I suppose we'll just have to make do with this.