Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Paperback – Aug 13 2013
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From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. Like countless other parents, Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities groom children to transfer their attachment needs from adults to their peers. They become what the authors call "peer oriented." The result is that they squelch their individuality, curiosity and intelligence to become part of a group whose members attend school less to learn than to socialize. And these same children are bullying, shunning and murdering each other, as well as committing suicide, at increasing rates. The authors' meticulous exploration of the problem can be profoundly troubling. However, their candidness and exposition lead to numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.
"With simple ideas and steps, this book is directed not only to parents, but to all those--educators, social workers, counsellors--whose lives and work bring them into contact with children."
—Quill & Quire
"May serve as a loud wake-up call for mothers and fathers.... Offers what many of the others do not--that rare commodity known as common sense."
—Winnipeg Free Press
"Beautifully written...terrific, poignant."
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)
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Top Customer Reviews
The first two-thirds deal with a cultural malaise that the authors claim is sweeping North America, making both parenting and teaching more challenging. With a wealth of both cited research and personal stories, the authors tie together issues such as bullying, early promiscuity, general aimlessness, learning difficulties, and the "flatlining of culture".
Despite the usual association with peer concerns, this is not just a book for parents of teenagers. There is something here for every age group, from preschool through high school. It's also most assuredly not just a catalog of problems, but a well-developed thesis leading to the insight necessary for solutions. Several chapters in the final section would be worth the price alone. "Discipline That Does Not Divide" is an excellent parenting primer, while "Create a Village of Attachment" will help both parents and teachers ensure that their charges profit from their school experience.
We who attended Dr. Neufeld's seminars in Vancouver had been waiting several years to see his ideas in print. The book does not disappoint. I will be rereading mine many times in the coming years. And perhaps more to come from this master of parenting.
Basically, Neufeld & Mate feel we're in a state of crisis concerning our children. Children are bonding with their peers, putting them first. We're letting our children be raised by other children. Children need adults to show them correct morals and values on how to become a good human being. Children do not learn that from their peers. Adults, mainly parents, grandparents, and teachers, provide unconditional love, while peer bonds usually have many conditions.
In his book, Neufeld & Mate give the reader many wonderful tools to use to help create the parent-child attachment (part four). Basically, be attentive, connect, be supportive, offer unconditional love, and guide instead of dictate.
Gordon Neufeld's book is not another prescriptive "how to" manual. He reminds us that our children are more than their behaviour. He turns our gaze to their relationship needs, and shows us clearly what happens for children when those needs are met, and describes the disastrous results for a child's emotional, social, and intellectual development when they aren't. Dr. Neufeld helps us to see what is going wrong with our children, and what needs to be done to make it right. This book touches the heart of parenting in a way no other parenting book I have ever read does. it rings true begininning to end; I can't recommend it strongly enough.
Most recent customer reviews
Excellent book. Very helpful for parents. Easy to understand and apply. Good insights to help you understand other people as well, not only children.Published 20 days ago by Russ
Currently working on developing a new program for practical application of the information contained in this book. Read morePublished 2 months ago by Amazon Customer
In our culture there is very little instruction given to the younger generation on how to raise children. Read morePublished 5 months ago by ReverEnns
Great book! A bit repetitive at times, but the message does bear repeating.Published 5 months ago by Jennie
It's a great book! Although I really wish it wasn't so "technical" in nature - it's still a good book. I had to read it with dictionary in hand though. Read morePublished 7 months ago by Amazon Customer
a must read for every one involved with any child !!..the wisdom of attachment parenting !..Published 7 months ago by Amazon Customer