- Paperback: 288 pages
- Publisher: Harmony; 1 edition (May 16 2000)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0609805797
- ISBN-13: 978-0609805794
- Product Dimensions: 13.1 x 1.5 x 20.3 cm
- Shipping Weight: 222 g
- Average Customer Review: 66 customer reviews
- Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #11,527 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 16 2000
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From the Back Cover
"An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent--and long-lasting--
marriage." Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way
"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic." Newsweek
"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today
"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer
"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World
"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
About the Author
JOHN M. GOTTMAN, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and cofounder and codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute.See all Product description
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We started the book two years ago and worked through the first two principles. We had those two nailed, thought we were good and put the book down for a couple of years. Although things were better for a few months, slowly, over time things deteriorated again. In reality, we hadn't yet gotten to the chapters that dealt with the problem areas in our marriage, so nothing was different over the long term, and no new understanding had been gained.
Recently, tensions were high from constant arguing, and both of us felt that we had done lots of damage to our relationship from years of arguing and didn't see a way out. It pains me to say that divorce was considered by both of us as a way out of this mess. I combed through the book again, skipping ahead to the chapter that best applied to us: gridlock. There it was, the information we needed to understand our conflicts and make them easier to handle.
Basically, I grew up in a house where shouting led to painful (drunken) character attacks and volatile behaviour, and he grew up in a house where shouting was no big deal. So, when he shouted, I shut down, and all discussions were over. He felt shut out and hurt, judged and hated, and I felt damaged and afraid. Realizing that we are both different, and that he doesn't set out to hurt anyone when he yells, allowed me to accept him as he was, and turned the outbursts in comical situations that quickly are forgotten. Nobody is perfect: he is loyal, loving, devoted and hardworking, and I can't throw all that out the window because he doesn't ask the kids in a quiet voice to pick up their markers etc.
Best of all, my kids take their cue from me, and when dad raises his voice, they listen without cowering, love him anyway, and accept him as he is. We have all gotten closer as a result.
We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel that this book has pointed us in the right direction and that our house has felt so much lighter since. Everyone deserves a loving and harmonious relationship, and if you're struggling, remember to put as much effort into your marriage as you put into anything else you care deeply about, and to get help with skills and tools you might not have had modeled for your self, but which you can learn! This book covers all the areas you need to strengthen for a happy marriage, so you too can be one of those annoyingly happy and sweet couples (that I always secretly envied)!
Good luck and thanks for reading.
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