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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Paperback – Mar 28 2006

4.1 out of 5 stars 11 customer reviews

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Atria Books; 1 edition (March 28 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0743487486
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
  • Product Dimensions: 14 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
  • Shipping Weight: 227 g
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars 11 customer reviews
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #18,536 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally—that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. (Mar.)Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the "whys" and not just the "hows" of raising kids.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Powerful alternatives to help children become their most caring, responsible selves." -- Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .

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Customer Reviews

4.1 out of 5 stars
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Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
This book is revolutionary in its approach to parenting. As is Gordon Neufeld's "Hold on to your kids". If you are finding that "time outs" and all the other advice you've gotten from people and books simply don't work, try this approach you will be amazed at how well it works. Only thing is you don't get recipes for discipline, but rather it teaches you to show love for your kids without rewards and/or punishments.

One thing that really struck a chord for me was when he says that there's no question that all parents love their kids, the only problem is that very few kids feel loved unconditionally. And if kids don't feel loved unconditionally they can't really thrive.
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Format: Paperback
There may not be a manual for raising kids, but there ought to be some required reading. This is one of those rare books that comes along and makes you re-think everything you thought you knew about what it means to discipline your child. If you, like me, aren't aware of many options beyond what you've seen on Supernanny or what you yourself were subjected to as a kid, then you need to read this book.

Time-outs, rewards systems, even common statements like "no" come into question. Instead, we are asked to take the viewpoint of the child and encourage them to reflect on their actions in order to make better decisions next time. If I were a kid and I had the capacity, I would tell my parents to read this book before sending me to my room for another time-out.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I've read a few parenting books, and this one is by far my favourite. It's heavily research based, and has a very compassionate approach which I quite like. A lot of the advice goes against "common sense" (i.e. what you've seen other people do), and I would think that following this book's instructions would be really hard if you had overbearing in-laws.
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
If there was a series of books to read when a woman is pregnant for the first time, I wish this one would be on the list to read. Its a much more calm and reasonable way to raise children, than from the ego mind!
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
An extraordinary book with the power to permanently change how we deal with our kids and, equally important, how our kids deal with us.
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I initially gave this book 5 stars and a glowing review, and I am still grateful for having read it. Kohn's stance against punitive consequences and fluffy, non-specific praise are valuable. However, over time I've found that we need more. Howard Glasser's work has proven much more workable in our home. Like Kohn, he is against punitive consequences. But he strongly advocates clear, specific praise that shows children how they are already succeeding, thereby tending the fires of their own greatness. He balances this with a very strong system of consequences that while mild, provide clear, consistent, and immediate feedback. He has had great success with even the toughest of behavioral issues, bringing many, many kids back from the verge of self-destruction. But he works with all kids and emphasizes that all kids flourish with this approach - it's just that the tough kids demand something different. Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" is also exceptional - and it's applicable to all kids (and perhaps all relationships).
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