- Paperback: 272 pages
- Publisher: Atria Books; 1 edition (March 28 2006)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0743487486
- ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
- Product Dimensions: 14 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
- Shipping Weight: 227 g
- Average Customer Review: 13 customer reviews
- Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #12,847 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Paperback – Mar 28 2006
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From Publishers Weekly
Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally—that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. (Mar.)Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the "whys" and not just the "hows" of raising kids.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
"Powerful alternatives to help children become their most caring, responsible selves." -- Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .See all Product description
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Top customer reviews
One thing that really struck a chord for me was when he says that there's no question that all parents love their kids, the only problem is that very few kids feel loved unconditionally. And if kids don't feel loved unconditionally they can't really thrive.
Time-outs, rewards systems, even common statements like "no" come into question. Instead, we are asked to take the viewpoint of the child and encourage them to reflect on their actions in order to make better decisions next time. If I were a kid and I had the capacity, I would tell my parents to read this book before sending me to my room for another time-out.
I have a very difficult time reading or listening to parents who hold themselves above others and deem themselves superior in their methods of doing things. I got the feeling reading this book that he was raised an angry, bitter, abused child who vowed never to make his parents mistakes, and dedicated his life to not only doing things differently than what he knew, but by aggressively denouncing anything that reflected his experience.
I was really fascinated by his points, found his arguments compelling... however, I believe strongly in moderation, and I do not believe that my child will be scarred for life and suffer "love withdrawl" because I chose to sit him on a chair for two minutes in a dreaded-god-forbid "time out"; nor do I believe that my child will turn into a reward driven narcissistic ego maniac if I say "Hey! Great job cleaning your room!"
No, I DON'T chase my kids around, squealing like a pig chanting "Good sharing! Good pooping! Good farting!", nor do I reign tyranical over their heads and expect seamless conformity to their every action.
Everything in moderation, including moderation. I think good parenting is a combination of support, encouragement, communication... and yes, god forbid, that means some degree of punishment and praise. I HAVE said "If you can't sit quietly and watch your movie, it's bed time" without feeling that I'm a horrible person using priveledge as leverage for good behaviour. Consequences for actions are very real in the world, and so is accountability for behaviour.
Although I find this book compelling, I find the extreme to which he takes it unrealistic and a little insulting to the intelligence.
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