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Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars

on December 8, 2003
After the authors "Friendshift" and all the good recommendations from readers I was disappointed by this book. It does not live up to the title. The author repeats a lot of what she said in the earlier book and never really come to the subject according to my view. The author has not understood that the most important problem for somebody with bad friendships pattern is that because of bad childhood experiences they don't know where the border is between acceptabel behavior from a "friend" and not. They need help with that. (That is also what the title promises but don't give much of). The person that try to quit a history of bad friendship also need help to understand that loneliness will in the beginning be the result. A loneliness they could not stand as a child when they were dependent on parents and relatives, who did not treat them well because of problems of their own. It is also necessary that people, who try to reach better relationships pattern got help to understand that power play that exist between all people specially in the beginning of a relationship when testing is made.
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on October 14, 2003
Hooray for this book!!! This book is was very insightful and helpful in validating my feelings regarding my negative friendship. I did not know that this type of book exisited so when I found it and bought it I devoured it within a day. It is fast, comprehensible reading filled with examples from others who have had to deal with negative friendships. I especially liked the definitions of the types of friends, the examples of betrayls, and chapter 2...the 21 types of negative friends. There is a chapter on how to try to save the friendship and then one on when and how to end it. That chapter was very helpful to me and gave me ideas on how to deal with having to ending a friendship and having closure with that decision.
The author also includes "Affirmations to Reinforce Your Decision to End a Friendship" which I have gone back and read several times to help me stay strong. I highly recommend this book to anyone that needs help in dealing with a hurtful friendship.
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on April 1, 2003
We've all been there. Our faithful and beloved friend has in some way betrayed us. It's hurtful and painful and we react in different ways in different situations. "When Friendship Hurts" is the second and latest book in Dr. Jan Yagers friendship series and a follow up book on Friendshifts®.
We make many friends in a lifetime, but only a few are friends for life. "When Friendship Hurts" gives you insight in selecting friends that are good for you - to select the wolves from sheeps. I especially like chapter 2: 'Detecting harmful people before they are friends'. In this chapter you'll find 21 different types of potentially negative friends. By reading through each type I can easily recognize which types my bad friends from the past are. It can also help you to predict whether a friendship will turn out good or not before bonding.
More insights are such as: why are friends hurting friends? Are there different rules at work? Can we break the pattern and find good friends.
In these days, Jan Yager is finalizing her third book on friendships. The area she studies here is friendship at work. I'm looking very much forward to her coming books.
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on July 7, 2004
I haven't read the author's book "Friendshifts" so I have no basis of comparison (although the author did mention that book in this one many times.)
However, I bought this book last night (and the cashier noted the title and said she was getting a copy as well) and have read a lot of it and already feel I have gained a lot of insight.
First of all, the fact that this book exists shows that I am indeed not the only one, there are obviously enough people experiencing this that it warrants research and writing (misery loves company and all that.)
Second, Yager identifies 21 different kinds of negative friends. I am better able to understand why some so-called friends have done what they have done. I still don't like it, but I do feel able to move on now (and this is after just one skimming of the pages!)
Thirdly and most important, the author helps you identify characteristics of potential friends to gauge the likelihood of whether they are a true friend or not. Because I seem to befriend the same type of mean selfish woman wherever I go, I find this to be invaluable!
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on October 25, 2003
This book is great.Everybody can find something there.It helped me to understand a lot.We all desire true friendships and it's possible.Sometimes we just need to reflect how we are doing as a friend.If you really want to make a healthy friendship - read it.You will be amazed how clearly it explains different relationships between friends and their ups and downs.My two thumbs up to J.Yager.
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on July 27, 2002
A reviewer, July 27, 2002,
How Friends Affect Your Self-Image
The author's first book on friendship, "Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives" was an eye opener. Most of us just take our friends for granted. Her second book on friendship, "When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You," covers aspects of relationships that have really affected our lives from kindergarten on and that have impacted our self-images. What we think of ourselves, Dr. Jan Yager points out, has a lot to do with what our friends think of us. I learned a lot about the possible causes of negative friendships as well as why someone might put up with them. She shows her readers to seek out positive friendships instead of the destructive kind. Anyone who reads this book will never look at their friendships the same way again. Bravo. Enthusiastic Reader from New Jersey
Also recommended: Friendshifts:The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives
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on August 12, 2002
"When Friendship Hurts" is an excellent and comprehensive analysis of friendship. Sometimes, we are so wrapped in our everyday affairs that we do not really pay attention to the quality of our relationships/friendships. The book begins on a good foot, with a chapter on who, one can define as a friend. For a person who could often experience negative friendships, a reinforcement of this definition from another source, is helpful. Additionally, it aids in the continual re-evaluation of the quality of one's friendships. The best part of the book is that it is very non-judgemental. While Dr.Yager stresses the importance of salvaging a friendship that is on the wane, she leaves it to the concerned, to judge for themselves, whether one should work on a friendship or allow it to fade away. Breaking a friendship, she says, must be done gently to avoid repercussions. She also gives the reader a psychological insight into what could motivate a person to react in a manner, destructive to the friendship and to the self-esteem of the friend. Broken friendships cause shame and guilt. An understanding that someone's behavior towards you, may have nothing to do with you (your achievements, your behavior) is necessary to diminish the guilt and the shame. She also gives suggestions about how one could improve oneself to improve friendships. The book has a therapeutic effect on the reader and is a must-read for anyone who values friendship. This book has helped me put my former and current friendships into their proper perspective.
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on November 9, 2002
In her newest book, "When Friendship Hurts," Dr. Jan Yager talks to the reader about topics not often discussed in the friendship literature: the tulmultous nature of the relationships we sometimes have with our friends and the eventual breakup of friendships, even longterm ones. It was a book waiting to be written, and is a welcome companion volume to Dr. Yager's first book on friends, "Friendshifts."
Dr. Yager is a gifted writer who knows her craft well. In a caring and conversational tone, she combines research, storytelling, common sense, and insight to create a narrative that the reader can identify with at every turn of the page. This is a book that is difficult to put down, even for a moment.
Read Chapter 2 and discover the people you should avoid as friends. (Then read through that same chapter to see if you can find yourself. Just what kind of friend are you?) Other chapters will give positive and realistic advice on how to save a fading friendship, as well as letting go of one that has grown unhealthy. Dr. Yager's advice on establishing positive friendships is especially helpful and spiritually uplifting.
To those readers who read this book to help themselves get through a friendship crises: "When Friendship Hurts" will help you tremendously. To clinicians (social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, psychiatric nurses, and others): this book will prove to be a powerful tool in your own practices, used as part of bibliotherapy with clients themselves, or as a sourcebook for other kinds of therapeutic interventions. And to those college professors who need a well researched, well written book on friendship loss and rebirth for your own courses in social work, counseling, sociology, education, and psychology, this is the book for you. "When Friendship Hurts" is one book your students will not return to the bookstore at the end of the semester. It is that powerful. This is a book your students will keep and take with them wherever they work in their professional careers.
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on January 14, 2003
When I was recently hurt by a close friend, I went looking for answers. Not too many people write books on "friendships gone bad," but I was able to find this helpful book. This book first defines what a friend is, shows you the types of people who do not make good friends and why, and helps you to recognize harmful and positive friendships. This book helped me identify the source of many of my problems and issues--not only with the other people in my life but also with myself. It helped me become a better friend to the friends I already have and it prepared me to be a friend to any new friends I make in the future. Dr. Yager's book also helped me break ties with the friend that was untrustworthy and holding me back from living my own life. I also agree with Dr. Yager's theory that many people these days expect a lot out of friendship. People expect a friendship to last and last, while at the same time they do not expect half of the marriages in existence to last! Why is that? While friendships are wonderful and helpful, they can also be detrimental. Learning to navigate through the bad and focus on the good is what this book helped me to do.
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on June 18, 2002
A reviewer, interested in friendships, June 18, 2002,
A Powerful Read!
I highly recommend this book which is jam packed with thoroughly researched and absolutely compelling information about friendship when it is negative, destructive or hurtful. The author, a sociologist and renowned friendship expert, delves into the who's,what's and why's of friendships that do us harm. By helping us to explore our own motivations, conflicts and needs, (as well as gaining insight into others' motivations, conflicts and needs), Dr.Yager offers suggestions and advice on how to correct, how to avoid, and how to know when to end negative friendships. We also expand our knowledge of how to nuture, foster and find, positive, life affirming friendships. A fascinating chapter on early family relationships describes how unresolved issues from our childhood may crop up in adulthood to sabotage our friendships. For instance, if we were subjected to a pattern of emotional, sexual or verbal abuse as children, we may have low self esteem and subconsciously seek out persons who perpetuate that same kind of negativity toward us simply because it's familiar ground. Realization of such conflicts can help us find ways to heal in order to have healthier, more rewarding friendships. Another chapter describes and dissects the psyche of 21 kinds of negative friends such as the 'fault finder', the 'double crosser', the 'controller', the 'bloodsucker', the 'taker' and the 'cheat'. Intriguing reading about people you may recognize from your own life! This book is filled with personal anecdotes from real people telling their stories of betrayal, abandonment and pain, caused by negative, hurtful friendships. These are scrutinized, and thorougly explored, leading the reader to a deeper understanding of the complexities of negative friendship experiences and their impact on our lives. One of the most impressive things about the book is its' complete coverage of harmful friendship relationships and occurrences. (Even one bad episode, such as a friendship ending without one's ever knowing why, can be devastating) Internet friendships, work friendships, new and old friendships, co-ed friendships, group friendships, casual and intimate 'best friend' friendships, are painstakingly examined. The author offers intelligent, practical suggestions for making the best of friendship in our lives and offers a roadmap for freeing ourselves of destructive friendships. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS is a powerful and fantastic book. I love it!
Also recommended: Friendshifts

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