How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again Paperback – Aug 14 2012
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"How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother? tracks how the 'mother syndrome' is laying waste to marriages…The authors call on both genders to defy obsolete societal values, urging men to step up and women to step off." (The Globe & Mail)
"It has the answers you need to become partners again with your mate. These experts deconstruct the problem of women becoming mothers before lovers to their partners and they create a step-by-step path for couples to follow to get back to being equal partners again." (SavvyMom.ca)
“Nothing he does is good enough for her, and she’s not affectionate the way she used to be. If this sounds familiar, help is here in the form of an in-depth guidebook called How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again.” (Maclean's)
“The title puts it right out there, How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother?, and it speaks volumes…” (YummyMummyClub.ca)
About the Author
Sara Dimerman, C.Psych.Assoc., has been an individual, couple, and family therapist for more than twenty years. A nationally recognized relationship and parenting expert, she is the author of two other books. Sara lives in Toronto, Canada, is married, and has two daughters. Visit HelpMeSara.com.
J.M. Kearns, PhD, is the author of the bestselling Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You and two other relationship books, featured in Oprah & Friends, Maclean’s, and Glamour. He lives in Cape May, New Jersey with his partner Debra. Visit JMKearns.com.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
This book can be helpful for couples in a healthy relationship as a check and balance!
At the same time, it is a useful guide out for those stuck in this parent-child dynamic.
I highly recommend the book for all couples.
1. It is written in a negative tone towards men that will do little more than encourage female readers to get more upset with the men in their lives.
2. It is filled with factual errors and misinterprets relationship data. It has absolutely no concept of why men and women stray, whatsoever. It is so far from actual reality as to be outright fantasy.
3. Everything, at its root, is considered the fault of the husband.
As I said, the language itself is patronizing and almost angry towards men. A couple of quick examples from early on in the book:
"[In marriage he is] . . . the lucky winner of a world he messed up that is magically made whole again."
"So you really nag him. And what does he do? Well, he may . . . step up and do the job, realizing that things are in danger of taking a nasty turn. That would be a thoroughly adult response."
The main solutions are listed thus:
1. Stop the anger cycle. That's good advice.
2. Don't be so controlling. Awesome advice.
3. "Using consequences to teach a child lessons he needs to learn". An example: "Carmen used consequences to teach her husband to change lightbulbs". So the solution to not being like a mother for your husband is to treat him like a child. Hmm.
4. "Treating [him] as a co-pilot who is worthy to take the wheel in some area". Actually, when a wife asks for help it is often a great idea and when a husband can help he feels like a man. However, that assumes he is left with a shred of dignity and not patronized by his commanding officer (wife). Sheesh.
5. "Find things to compliment him for". This is great advice. I wholeheartedly agree. They also say, "Even better, talk about him in a positive way to other people." Yes!
6. A household task list, with six columns for the wives to write in and one for their husbands. After all, fair is fair.
Some of the problems are correctly identified. It's not right that a woman should be a mother of her husband. But this book does little to help. Some of the listed solutions are fine, but the tone is divisive and will mostly leave women feeling like they need to be firmly in charge of the relationship--which of course prevents the solution from ever being effective. Instead I would recommend books by Scott Haltzman, Kevin Leman, and Willard Harley. They are far and away much better resources.