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Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape Hardcover – March 29 2016
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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
The author of the New York Times bestseller Cinderella Ate My Daughter offers a clear-eyed picture of the new sexual landscape girls face in the post-princess stage—high school through college—and reveals how they are negotiating it.
A generation gap has emerged between parents and their girls. Even in this age of helicopter parenting, the mothers and fathers of tomorrow’s women have little idea what their daughters are up to sexually or how they feel about it. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over seventy young women and a wide range of psychologists, academics, and experts, renowned journalist Peggy Orenstein goes where most others fear to tread, pulling back the curtain on the hidden truths, hard lessons, and important possibilities of girls’ sex lives in the modern world.
While the media has focused—often to sensational effect—on the rise of casual sex and the prevalence of rape on campus, in Girls and Sex Peggy Orenstein brings much more to the table. She examines the ways in which porn and all its sexual myths have seeped into young people’s lives; what it means to be the “the perfect slut” and why many girls scorn virginity; the complicated terrain of hookup culture and the unfortunate realities surrounding assault. In Orenstein’s hands these issues are never reduced to simplistic “truths;” rather, her powerful reporting opens up a dialogue on a potent, often silent, subtext of American life today—giving readers comprehensive and in-depth information with which to understand, and navigate, this complicated new world.
- Print length320 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarper
- Publication dateMarch 29 2016
- Dimensions15.24 x 2.67 x 22.86 cm
- ISBN-100062209728
- ISBN-13978-0062209726
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From the Back Cover
The author of the New York Times bestseller Cinderella Ate My Daughter offers a groundbreaking picture of the new sexual landscape girls face in the post-princess stage—high school through college—and reveals how they are negotiating it.
A generation gap has emerged between parents and their girls. Even in this age of helicopter parenting, the mothers and fathers of tomorrow’s women have little idea what their daughters are up to sexually or how they feel about it. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over seventy young women and a wide range of psychologists, academics, and experts, renowned journalist Peggy Orenstein goes where most others fear to tread, pulling back the curtain on the hidden truths, hard lessons, and important possibilities of girls’ sex lives in the modern world.
While the media has focused—often to sensational effect—on the rise of casual sex and the prevalence of rape on campus, in Girls & Sex, Orenstein brings much more to the table. She examines the ways in which porn and all its sexual myths have seeped into young people’s lives, what it means to be “the perfect slut” and why many girls scorn virginity, the complicated terrain of hookup culture, and the unfortunate realities surrounding assault. In Orenstein’s hands, these issues are never reduced to simplistic “truths”; rather, her powerful reporting opens up a dialogue on a potent, often silent subtext of American life today, giving readers comprehensive and in-depth information to understand and navigate this complicated new world.
About the Author
Peggy Orenstein is the New York Times bestselling author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Waiting for Daisy, Flux, and Schoolgirls. A contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine, she has been published in USA Today, Parenting, Salon, the New Yorker, and other publications, and has contributed commentary to NPR’s All Things Considered. She lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.
Product details
- Publisher : Harper (March 29 2016)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 320 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0062209728
- ISBN-13 : 978-0062209726
- Item weight : 544 g
- Dimensions : 15.24 x 2.67 x 22.86 cm
- Best Sellers Rank: #518,770 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #351 in Feminist Criticism
- #666 in Babysitting, Day Care & Child Care
- #797 in Parenting Teenagers (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Peggy Orenstein is the New York Times bestselling author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Waiting for Daisy, Flux, and Schoolgirls. A contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine, she has been published in USA Today, Parenting, Salon, the New Yorker, and other publications, and has contributed commentary to NPR’s All Things Considered. She lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.
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If not for anything but to open up the discussion table and get you talking to her. I barely got a few pages in before we started! A lot of topics are not directly about sex, but good warm up conversations. I’d go back and then pick another topic and work my way into getting her talking with me. Fantastic book.
Top reviews from other countries
Will you enjoy reading it? Honestly, it made liberal-hearted me a bit squeamish as it covered all the bases: hook-up culture in both high school and college, including the demand on girls that they give guys whom they don’t even know blow jobs (because the current generation of teens has a mantra that this isn’t real sex)--and the need for these girls to get pretty drunk in order to allow themselves to think this was OK/normal; the culture of ‘purity pledges’ that has come as a backlash (and the research that shows that the purity pledges don’t work/that teens who take them are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t); date rape; rape on college campuses; binge drinking and rape; sexist images and stereotyping of female bodies; pornography that degrades and objectifies women as one of the only sex education tools that teens use because they are getting ‘abstinence only’ education at school; the negative to disastrous sexual encounters that result from ‘porn-ed’ and’ abstinence-only-ed’ (painful, humiliating sexual encounters modeled after porn and tens of millions of dollars of taxpayer money poured into abstinence with virtually no resulting decline in teen sex); the bizarre and very public tightrope walk girls must take between frigid prude and social-media-shamed slut.
Yes, the issues are so vast and numerous, it makes you spin. While there is discussion in the book of LGBTQIA issues (and interviews of lesbians girls), the book is largely about cisgender teens, about how girls and boys see themselves relating to one another sexually; about discomfort in challenging norms and about how to be assertive in taking back authority for one’s own body and one’s own pleasure.
Orenstein navigates the charged environment of high school and college sexual practices by interviewing over 70 girls about their experiences; she attends purity balls; she attends abstinence-only sex ed classes and classes where the discussion of sexuality is much more frank and without any judgment. Her research is eye-opening. By the time she arrives at her final chapter, which includes some suggestions for supporting girls and young women to be assertive about their sexual needs, even the faint-hearted will be agreeing with her. As she discusses the much more open and frank education that teens in Holland are given, we wish for the same for our own children. Yes, the conversations are difficult, even embarrassing for some adults (who had their own very lousy sex education as teens--so this is not a blame game). But when teens--boys and girls--are told the truth about their desires and then encouraged not to subvert them into a hook-up culture, but to form loving, respectful partnerships, everyone benefits. As it now stands--and as Girls and Sex makes very clear--the sexual culture for girls is one where girls are coerced into giving sexual pleasure to boys (often by somehow ‘owing’ oral sex to boys because they ended up at the same party) without getting any sort of sexual pleasure in return. So, uncomfortable as it is to discuss, the sexual pleasure of girls must be addressed.
Orenstein summarizes very well in her final paragraph:
“I want sexuality to be a source of self-knowledge and creativity and communication despite its potential risks. I want them to revel in their bodies’ sensuality without being reduced to it. . . . I want them to be safe from disease, unwanted pregnancy, cruelty, dehumanization, and violence. If they are assaulted, I want them to have recourse from their school administrators, employers, the courts. . . . We’ve raised a generation of girls to have a voice, to expect egalitarian treatment in the home, in the classroom, in the workplace. Now it’s time to demand that ‘intimate justice’ in their personal lives as well.”
High school housekeeping: While this is an adult book--and a very frank one--the discussions with the interviewees are about real life in high school and on college campuses. It would be sad to force you to navigate this craziness alone--but that’s what adults are doing when they hide the frank conversation and the possible solutions from you. So--I recommend that all high school students read this. Yes, boys, you need to read it, too. It will help you to understand why having sex with a passed-out girl (or boy,as in one case in the book) is rape. And it will help those of you who would never consider such a thing to understand how to talk to girls about what they want and need. So, yes, read it.
(Note: This review is mirrored on my blog "School Library Lady.")
I listened to the Author's reading on 6 compact discs, which was clear and well-paced, but with an almost-calculated quality. No one knows more about the puddle than she! A veteran of the Sexual Revolution herself who now has a teen-aged daughter of her own, she interviewed over seventy girls from college and high school who responded to an invitation to discuss these matters, and she read some studies. She begins with a survey of the "hook-up" culture, wherein sexual experiences precede relationships. These experiences may simply be "grinding" on the dance floor, or oral sex, or intercourse. Surveys report something like 10% of middle school girls, 40-50% of high school girls and 75% of college women having had "sex." A significant number report some of the experiences as regretted, a majority reporting that the way in which they gave up their virginity was a disappointment (or worse). About half of the above report experiences that may qualify as rape: I say "may" because the respondents themselves are confused in their own minds and do not always accept the legal definitions. Our Author notes the role of alcohol in obscuring boundaries and excusing the participants from responsibility for what happens. I am not sure of her theory here, that girls drink in order to excuse themselves from responsibility for their choices; I believe it is part of the adventure, part of the ritual, and, in part, an anesthetic.
In all the conversations reported, not one mentions girls who became pregnant and subsequently had an abortion, or gave birth. These topics were mentioned in passing, usually as possibilities or perhaps a statistic, but not in any of the "portraits," descriptions of interviewees and dialog which are the strength of this book, putting human faces on the experiences reported. The real focus of concern is the distressing fact that 4 times as many boys as girls report satisfaction with their sexual encounters. She contends that education is needed so girls may understand how their bodies work and advocate for their own pleasure in all this. It is interesting that boys appear able to achieve satisfaction without such specialized education.
The reported experience of lesbian girls is much more positive in this regard, and the achievement and acceptance of alternate sexual identities is advocated. But as a true feminist, our Author is uncomfortable with the trendiness of transgenderism, based as it is on cultural stereotypes of what it means to be male/female. She reports the family which recognized their infant son as really a girl because it preferred the pink blanket to the blue blanket at 4 months. Our Author dryly notes that infants cannot distinguish color at that that age.
Our Author does not approve of hypersexualization but cannot really explain why. Miley Cyrus is shocking, but maybe that is not so bad. Expressing oneself is a good thing, after all ( unless you are a male remarking on her legs). Our Author recognizes provocative words but not provocative clothing.
She does not approve of restricting girls' freedom, unless they make the wrong choices, then they need education. She objects that left "on their own" teens develop a culture that pressures girls to sexual performance for others rather than satisfaction for themselves. She blames a lot on the entertainment media (and recognizes too late that Tipper Gore was right) for molding expectations of girls. However, our Author appears to regard hyperfemininity as a greater evil than hypersexuality. This is one of those wrong choices that require education.
If you are a social conservative, prepare for some disdain in the course of this read. She scorns abstinence education and all the government money spent on teaching things that "aren't true." She notes the relatively high pay a particular abstinence advocate receives, but not that of the California masturbation advocate who is described in terms reminiscent of a folk hero. She backhandedly acknowledges that the cultural investment of mothers in guiding/supervising kids, i.,e., staying home until children left the home, had an effect in discouraging sexual activity among them, but is not going there. She advocates Fathers involved but objects to patriarchy; apparently fathers are to support their children in whatever they want to do, regardless. She declares that virginity and purity have no markers that are not arbitrary, and their only function is to cause shame. The same might be said of "age of consent" laws/assumptions, but again, she is not going there.
Our Author "discovers" the ambiguity of sexuality but doesn't know what to do about it. Many of her interviewees report dressing provocatively and feeling good about it until something, perhaps a change of mood, or rude remark, causes her great embarrassment. The college campus "walk of shame" is described, as when girls glammed up go to a fraternity party, walk home after spending the night there the next morning, seen in evening clothes by everyone who knows they got drunk and knocked up. Many of her subjects report being blamed for being a prude and for being a slut. Her conversations with groups of kids reveal deep disagreements and confusion about what constitutes consent, which goes to the heart of ambiguity, and whether the conscious choice to seek sexual experience, subject oneself to peer pressure, drink illegally/irresponsibly, etc. has anything to do with meaningful consent.
I was fascinated in retrospect by the overall 1960's shape to our Author's thinking. Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir's comment on the 1967 Haight Ashbury "Summer of Love" is strikingly applicable to our Author's views of sex in this book: " It was about exploration, finding new ways of expression, being aware of one's existence." Elements of her thinking include: 1) individual choice (autonomy) trumps conformity to a standard; 2) technology changes everything, enabling more choice, more autonomy, and therefore progress; 3) youth conditioned and at home with the new technology are more attuned to progress and are the authorities whose lead we should (or can't help but) follow. Given these beliefs, parents and conservatives are regarded as obstacles to progress.
Among her helpful suggestions, embedded among others which guarantee rejection by social conservatives, is decision-making skills. These skills are applicable to all areas of life- identifying what is at stake, what values are at play, what alternatives are, and cost/benefit analysis. That these should be applied to sexual decisions as well as to any other significant decision, goes without saying. Communication skills, distinguishing between passive, assertive, and aggressive modes of responding to others, is another helpful measure toward addressing the problem. (These are already mandated in some form or another in most state curricula, but teaching them effectively is the challenge.)
So, what does our Author not "get"? First, she is indifferent to several dysfunctional aspects of adolescent behavior. First is dishonesty- lying to parents, refusal to be accountable to authority. Our Author actually celebrates acts of defiance, the "slutwalks," etc., as praiseworthy. Deliberate evasion of law in alcohol use by minors is passed over. Drug use also is passed over for moral condemnation. It is not only in matters of sex that adolescents lack restraint.
Related is the often uncritical acceptance of peer influence. While "society" may be condemned for its stereotypes, and consumerism responsible for sexual exploitation of women's bodies, the hook-up culture is not condemned, but accepted as a given to which we (our children and our policy) must adapt.
Perhaps the most fundamental point of disagreement, is in the Author's sundering of the connection between sex and reproduction. Just as food is pleasurable but this pleasure needs to be subordinate to nutrition, so sex has as its purpose human reproduction. Traditional families provide the best homes for children in public health studies (whether measured by birth weight, academic achievement, self-esteem, economic standing, reported happiness, suicide rate, etc.), so there is more than ample grounds for regarding this as the normative model for public policy.
A strange lacuna in this discussion of adolescent sex is the matter of risk-taking. This is what makes the hook-up culture exciting, the fact that there is risk. The predominant philosophy for educators in general and feminists like our Author, is to affirm risk-taking. This, along with that defiance of authority which our Author also implicitly endorses, leads directly into the sorry state of sexual inequality and dissatisfaction bemoaned in this book.
Although one of her interviewees states that sex is about the most personal thing there is, the implications of this insight are not worked out. Since sex is so personal, it ought to be shared only with those whom one can trust, one you can communicate with, one who you have influence over. In fact, it tends toward monogamy. Flaunting one's sexuality is so contrary to this, inviting strangers to appraise and judge. It involves the thrill of risk-taking, which turns on the ambiguity of sex both socially and personally. This private nature of sex, and the dysfunctional practice of making the private public, is another aspect overlooked by our Author.
Our Author is shocked to see the pattern emerge whereby once a girl has had sex with a guy, she is expected to continue consenting there after. What she does not realize is that sex is not a discreet act so much as a relationship. Just as gifts create relationship of mutual obligation between people (and why you should not accept gifts from strangers), so sex creates intimacy and familiarity which is not easily withdrawn. Our Author reports a kind of monogamy emerging within this hook-up culture whereby feelings of possessiveness and their social accommodation restrict the freedom of girls to be available to others.
The final point which our Author doesn't get is that boys and girls, men and women, are different. Males are much more visual and respond to provocative clothing; females enjoy attention and do that which gets attention. According to her own reporting, the girls are concerned to please their partners, while the boys are out to please themselves. What she fails to acknowledge is the greater need boys have which gave rise to the social expectation that women control ("civilize") their men. An old saying is that women trade sex for love. In the hook-up culture, created by segregating adolescents and allowing them to structure their own interactions, women are the losers, as documented by our Author's own findings. She has identified the puddle, but has no clue how to fix the leak.
A lot of girls are simply swearing off sex. University surveys known to me have revealed figures in the range of 20 minutes a day for "romantic activities." (Versus 7 to 8 hours for classes and studies.) So it seems like the alternative to partying is nothing, or nearly nothing. I hope this is wrong....
We as a society really have to go against the pop trash, whether it's porn, gangsta rap, other pop music, or the other horrors these days, and get the message to the kids (boys as well as girls) that sex is about love and relationships, AND can be a lot of fun, but it can't be done by conformity, least of all with porn--it has to be developed as an art in itself.




